5 year old saying he's a girl?

[frenchnoodle]

How best to deal with this, it is happening at home at school and started roughly 4 months ago, maybe a bit longer and at first everyone school included was treating it as a normal phase, to correct and ignore but although it's occasionally luled he's still insistent he's a girl.

What is the next step here?

Who cares? Why is everyone on here so keen to keep telling him he's a boy? Totally agree with the "that's nice dear, ok!" Approach

Well he is a boy. 🤷

I'd say the same if he said he was a space-ship repeatedly. Why would this be wrong?

My DS’s best friend went through this for a lot longer that 4 months. His parents let him wear and do whatever he wanted but he became distressed when the other children teased him for being ‘girly’.
His parents started him in ballet and the self confidence from being a boy in a way that felt more authentic and free from the usual toxic masculinity stuff completely changed his outlook. He loves being a boy now, the only one at his level in his ballet school.
Could you encourage him into dance/theatre/art where masculinity is presented differently and he might have some alternative male role models?

Thank you, this is a really good idea I will look into getting him into a club or something.

@frenchnoodle well I guess it's not wrong it's a matter of parenting style. If my kids said they were a space ship I'd say ok cool! Tell me about what it's like to be a space ship. I guess I'm quite a playful parent. I wouldn't see it as a threat, I'd just be curious, what do you use for fuel? Where have you been on your journeys? What have you seen?

Same with being a girl or boy. If he grows up trans then you'll find out soon enough and surely he'll remember that you were open and accepting of his experience. If it turns out to be a phase or he's curious or imaginative then same thing. Oh cool you feel like a girl today? Tell me about that? What's it like? What does being a girl mean? Wow I never thought of that. What was it like being a boy? Oh really?

Obviously if my child was showing signs of psychosis then I'd take them to a doctor 😂 but I don't think this is that.

It sounds like you're doing the right things, OP. I like the idea of showing him other ways to be a boy - dancing, horseriding, etc. It's a phase and it will pass in time. But yes, worth checking what's being said and taught at school. Come over to the feminism board if you need some advice on that.

My ds was v ngc (and still is to a lesser extent) and I just bought him the clothes he was/is comfortable in and let him play with anything he wanted, including princess dress up and l the babies/buggies etc he desired. Other children told him that wearing "girlie" clothes or having his baby in a sling to go to the park meant he was a girl. So he thought he might be a girl, because other people suggested it.

I gently but consistently pointed out that looking after babies kindly is what nice daddies do, like his daddy, and that anyone can wear what they like - "look Mummy is wearing Daddy's jumper and old running gear but she's still mummy.." and that what made us a boy or a girl was our bodies.
"
So you're a boy because you have a willy, but you can wear/say/do anything you like."

(He also spent literally months as a baby dinosaur, answering only in growls and crawling/jumping around the house and expecting to be hand fed treats. I found that less anxiety provoking and easier to go along with, because I'm clearly sensitive to societal sex stereotyping, potential homophobia and fear of difference etc...however hard I try to not.)

DD was repeatedly told by other children at school that she must be a boy because she chose the boys version of the Clarks Doodles one season around yr 1. It really messed with her head, upset her and made her question her innate preferences and what she thought about herself. Be aware how strong messages from others can be.

He’s 5 years old and far more exposed to gender stereotypes than you probably realise. You need to keep reminding him that the things he likes and associates with being a girl (particular toys, games, friends, colours etc) are all ok for boys to like too.

There is no such thing as “feeling like” a girl or boy. You are one or the other and feeling like your preferences are feminine or masculine is because society constantly reinforces gender stereotypes.

He is at an age when he needs to start understanding reality Vs fantasy. I'm happy to play along with most things but he needs to understand it doesn't carry over to being real. Otherwise he's up all night being scared of Zombies or whatever.
Play is play. Real life is real life.

A big thank you to everyone who has give advice, lots here to think about.

Yes sorry I did say I was worried. More about him being picked on by other children than anything else.

Kids seem to except more than adults, my DS grew up with a girl who always wanted to be a boy and the kids just accepted it, the child in question is now older I'm not sure what if anything they identify as but my DS still chats to them and just accepts them for them. Kids can be cruel but normally only if they get a reaction.

My little brother went through this phase when he was young. He had dolls and dressed up as girl at home and even had a made up name (not a female name, just another completely made up name). Being trans wasn't a thing back then so he was just a boy who liked 'girl' things and it was neither encouraged or discouraged by my mum and we just kind of let him do his thing.

He grew out of it, like how I grew out of playing with dolls. He did come out as gay at 16. I don't personally link the two, but some in my family do. To ask him now, he says he just liked 'girlie' things when he was younger and it wasn't really about 'being' a girl. He's not struggled with being a boy / man since this phase.

I also went through a phase of wanting to be a boy. I made everyone call me David and had all my hair chopped off. I was less committed than my brother though, once I saw what I looked like with cropped hair, I soon reverted being back to being a girl!

Thank you, it really does help.

The school seem good, how would I know if they are doing the wrong thing? They will be following government guidelines surely?

The amount of gendered stereotypes kids are exposed to in their short existance is disgusting, toy, games and cartoons are all telling him girls and boys have to be a certain way.

I agree that the gender stuff is everywhere. My DD was firmly anti pink and a 'Tom boy' (although I hate that term) from a very young age.
She's now a girly but very sport teen,
But less strong minded kids can end up confused

My grandson told me “I’m a girl now” a couple of moths ago. He told me he’s a velociraptor today.

There was some horrendous teacher training/guidelines delivered a few years back where teachers were told to tell children they might be in the wrong body. The hopeless disaster that resulted in is now unfolding. I'm not sure if it's filtered down yet not to say that!

Yes, this is what I'd be concerned about. When one of my DNs was about that age, he loved Thomas the Tank Engine and dressed up as him. When I engaged and asked excitedly "Are you dressed like Thomas?!" he replied assertively "NO, I AM Thomas!" Looking back, I can't help wondering what could have happened if he'd been at nursery/school, dressed as, say, Dora the Explorer and had been overheard insisting that he WAS a girl.

If adults/older teens want to identify as trans, that's up to them - as long as they don't start to seek extra human rights, at the expense of other people's basic ones, try to force other people to share their beliefs or are physically harmed by doctors - but imagination and (obviously) a child's irrational world view are huge things at that age. There was a recent article in the news about 5yos' career aspirations when they were all grown up and they got responses such as 'a wheelie bin', 'a dinosaur' and (my favourite) 'two ducks'!

If you wouldn't actually affirmatively treat a 5yo child as a train, dinosaur or jacket potato (unless playing obvious 'let's pretend' type games), it would be no less absurd to treat a 5yo boy as if he were a girl.

Why does he like it?
Boys can wear dresses and princess dresses, play with kitchens and all the other genderwoo

What is the best way to gently find out how the school are handling this?

@Orders76 I've asked and all I get from him is that he "likes being a girl." I'm fairly child led and am fine with him dressing up in anything.

Probably best to make a thread in the "Sex & gender discussions" section for advice on how to approach the school.

My DS used to say he was going to be a girl when he grew up and used to love dressing up in princess dresses. We didn’t make a big thing out of it and it passed.

This is an interesting thread, my dd went through a (much shorter) phrase of saying she was a boy, wants to be a boy, ‘when can I have a Willy’ etc and I gently and explicitly corrected her. No you’re a girl, you will not be a boy, you won’t have a Willy etc and moved the subject on. But she also likes to pretend she is Spider-Man and that I go along with. Although I am starting to introduce the concept of reality and fantasy as she keeps asking when she can be noted by a spider to become Spider-Man. Now I’m not sure this is the right course. Should I just be playing along with her pretence?

I would keep telling him he is a boy and that boys can’t change to be girls. Ask him why he would think he’s a girl. It’s most likely because he likes ‘girl toys’ or ‘girl clothes’. So you tell him that there are no such things as girl or boy toys or clothes and he can dress and play with whatever he likes.

Thank you all for the reassurance. I don't want to keep asking and make it an attention creating issue, he does love dressing up in all kinds of costumes.

@Arewethereyet22 I think it's okay to go along with their imaginative play to a point but there comes a time in the game where you remind them it's pretend. For example if we are playing bear hunt and he's running away and getting a little bit scared, I make sure to remind him it's pretend.

Since Halloween (and my monster obsessed 7 year old) he's been worried about skeletons coming out of the ground, all games return to it and he scares himself, so before we get the the reminders it's pretend begin.

Thank you all for the reassurance. I don't want to keep asking and make it an attention creating issue, he does love dressing up in all kinds of costumes.
I think this is the best way to tackle the situation right now.