10 year old Dd says she's a lesbian.

[Freeasabird76]

My 10 year old Dd came to me this evening with her friend on a WhatsApp call saying her friend had something to tell me,as she passed me the phone she cuddled up to my side and looked scared,her also 10 year old friend said quite matter of factly,Dd is afraid to say it but wants you to know that shes a lesbian.
At this time my Dd broke down in tears,I told her friend thank you for telling me but I had to hang up now to comfort Dd.
I obviously comforted her and told her like I have before that she should never be afraid to tell me ANYTHING and like I've said in the past I love you no matter who you like,be it girls,boys or girls and boys or neither.
I asked her how long she'd wanted to tell me this and she said a long time.Now I honestly do not care one bit if she likes girls,all I care about is her happiness.
I have questions though,there's been a lot of talk in Dds class this year about girls being lesbian boys being gay etc,obviously different generations so I dont have any experience of this,when I was a child this didnt come up until we were at least say 15.How sure can you be at 10 about your sexuality? I dont recollect being so self aware at that age.

Why is that?

10 yr olds have always thought about this stuff! Jesus my 6 yr old never shuts up about boys and kissing (she doesn’t do it, is just fascinated when she sees it on tv) and marriage. I remember wanting to kiss a boy I liked as he passed me when it was 8.

so you are being completely ridiculous that kids suddenly ‘have to’ think about fancying people.

OH! Maybe when you say ‘this stuff’ you are indicating that liking the same sex is abnormal or a kink or ‘advanced sex stuff’ or something? We’ll it isn’t. It’s still totally innocent to be a 10 yr old girl and fancy a girl as it is to fancy a boy.

I was born in the 80s. I was always told (by family, friends, teachers, advertising, sex education etc) either directly or indirectly, that boys marry girls and when I grew up I’d marry a man and make a baby.

Whilst I had liberal parents, a flamboyant and loving father, an open minded mum, I still had some homophobic teachers (one was our deputy head). I heard friend’s parents volunteering at school events making homophobic comments. Family acquaintances and strangers made it very clear that gay people are not ‘normal’ and definitely not equal. My grandmother said, “I don’t care what my grandchildren become, as long as they’re not gay.” Not only did everyday media exclude gay people but it actively and legally discriminated- I watched a Sandals couple’s holiday resort TV advert, that had a notice at the bottom of the screen stating ‘no same sex couples permitted’. Gay people couldn’t get married. Gay people couldn’t adopt. You get the gist.

So whilst you’re satisfied with simply knowing you liked horses at age 10, that’s not the case for everyone.

Some people still don’t have the privilege of ‘not having to think about it’. Some people were (and in some contexts still are) told over and over again, from a ridiculously young age, that certain sexual orientations are wrong and shameful.

Therefore, regardless of whether they realised they were gay at 59 or 8… they were profoundly affected by the assumption and clear expectation that they will be heterosexual and that being gay is essentially a bad choice.

The issue is homophobia.

When people stop assuming everyone is going to be heterosexual, children won’t have to freak out about how they do or don’t or will or won’t or might feel.

If kids felt safe and secure, trusting that their family, friends and wider communities would accept them no matter what their sexuality turned out to be (early on for some, or way off in the future for others), then they wouldn’t have to worry or give it a second thought. It wouldn’t be an issue. And we’d all have the privilege of yawning and talking about ponies instead.

Read your post again.

Now imagine there’s a scared and vulnerable child standing in front of you, terrified that the way they feel simply doesn’t match up with the heterosexual norms they’ve been exposed to since before they could even speak. Every day culture, education, media, society and daily interactions told them all about heterosexual people, all about mummies and daddies, boys and girls, heterosexual marriage, straight parents. But they were far too young to think about any of those fundamental things through anything but a heterosexual lens… They were too young to know about gay people. Giving the impression that gay people are not normal people with equal rights and aspirations, as if all they are is gay and all they do is think about gay sex and talk about having gay sex and spend all day and night having gay sex.

This child is afraid and anxious because if they are gay, it’s going to be a big deal.

And you, in all your wisdom, say to them, “I liked horses when I was your age.”

How is that relevant? How is that an appropriate response!?

How can you justify that?

Wow. You realise people don’t choose their sexuality?

“Okay darling I want plenty more time before I have to hear how you feel and listen to your complex questions. When I was 9 I didn’t have a card in the world. Why can’t you be the same? If your experience is different to mine, I don’t want to know, because you’re just choosing to have these feelings and I’m not equipped to deal with that.”

You really think the age of consent will get lowered if kids question their sexual orientation?

You realise that the age of consent has historically been higher for gay people than their heterosexual peers?

And you, in all your wisdom, say to them, “I liked horses when I was your age.”

How is that relevant? How is that an appropriate response!?

How can you justify that?

Bloody hell, she isn’t saying it to a ten year old, neither has she said she would! She’s saying it on a thread on Mumsnet to a group of other adult posters! Get a grip.

I didn’t know I was a lesbian until later in my teens. Equally a child identifying as a lesbian at ten could be bisexual (most of this whole thread has ignored the existence of bisexuality). Or she might be lesbian later in life or might not.

It doesn’t help eradicate homophobia to box children into little labels before they even know what those actually mean. It’s perfectly possible to be accepting and still not make a big deal out of sexual orientation to children. Ten is not thirteen or fifteen. Most ten year olds are only just getting to grips with the idea of what any kind of sex involves!

Are you suggesting that we abandon all labels?

So the whole world stops assuming children will grow up to be heterosexual or gay or anything in between?

So we ought to stop assuming and labelling children as heterosexual?

How will we do this? Make sure children are steered away from the concept of straight marriage?

If they say they will have a relationship or get married when they grow up… do we need to ensure a little girl is not encouraged to think about marrying a man?

What if she says she thinks she’s straight? and wants to marry a boy and have a family when she grows up? What on earth are we going to do then?

This is pretty controversial.

Oh the hyperbole. No, suggesting that TEN year olds shouldn’t be fixated on labels about gender and sexual orientation is not equivalent to “abandoning all labels”. Please do learn to respond to what was actually written, and not some random pseudo-debating point plucked out of the air.

A parent might respond to a thirteen year old or fourteen year old saying they were gay, rather differently to a ten year old saying the same thing. Ten year olds are very different to young teenagers.

In any case, despite all the fulminating on this thread, it isn’t thirty years ago, and saying “that’s fine dear, I love you whatever, and you may grow up to be gay but you might also decide you’re straight or bisexual in the future and that’s okay too, we’ll love you whatever sexuality you are”, is not a statement of oppressive homophobia. Whilst some people know their sexuality early in life, lots also do not. It’s not homophobia to acknowledge that!

I was responding to a poster who said, “its important for children and young people not to label themselves or be labelled.”

That sounds like abandoning all labels, no?

How are we meant to support kids to express themselves and talk about their feelings when certain words are off limits and labels can’t be discussed?

I told my mum I was a lesbian when I was 10, 35 years later and I've only ever had relationships with men. Unfortunately.

@theclangersarecoming

I agree with you- a parent might respond to a thirteen/ fourteen year old saying they were gay, rather differently to a ten year old saying the same thing.

I agree with you- Ten year olds are very different to young teenagers.

The poster I quoted doesn’t agree with you.

They said young people shouldn’t be labelled or label themselves.

They are not saying it to a ten year old. They are saying it on Mumsnet, yes.

But they are very clear opinions.

Opinions tend to influence how we behave and what we do or say.

I was trying to say that I found the post really dismissive and if the OP were to take the same stance with her 10 year old daughter, I would feel sorry for the ten year old.

You seem to lack empathy for the hurt that a lot of gay people have felt when trying to navigate their feelings in a society that historically, hasn’t been particularly supportive.

The young to mid teenage girls I know are more often in relationships with girls than boys (I only know one that’s had a relationship with a boy). If there isn’t fluidity then the next generation won’t be so marginalised as a minority so hopefully that is a happier place to be.

Between her and older DD, I currently know of far more teenager girls having relationships with girls than I do having relationships with boys. Whether it’s a “phase” for any of these kids or not who would know but them but at least they feel free to work out their own feelings.

I loved my cousin's response to this in his teens. He said, "all the girls I know are lesbians <sigh> well you can't blame them when you see what most boys are like".

I mean on a very practical level, if anyone is going to go through a 'phase' it's vastly more likely to be a lesbian dating boys, just because of heteronormativity. The converse is much less worrisome as it's not going to result in teenage pregnancy or rape, probably the things we want least for our girls.

I do agree that there is far too much sexualisation of girls early on. But most if it is straight.

OP — your post seems to have been highjacked and derailed.
I think you handled the situation very well and showed your daughter appropriate support. I am left wondering what she thinks “being a lesbian” means for her — does she mean she has a girlfriend? (if so, what does a ten year old mean by saying she has a girlfriend?) or that she is theoretically attracted to girls? (if so, what does that concept mean to a ten year old?) What expectations do her classmates have of anyone who declares his or her sexuality?
At ten, she should be focussed on friendships and activities and school and family life and just being a child. I hope she isn’t coming under any pressure to embark on “relationships” before she is emotionally ready.
good luck! Your daughter is lucky to have a very supportive mother!

I had crushes on boys from the age of 10
(I'm straight)
You know whether you're attracted to girls or boys at that age.
Of course she can know she's attracted to other girls at that age!

I’m gay. I had suspicions I was ‘different’ from around 7, knew what it was by 10 but didn’t tell anyone until I was 15.

Many gay people know from a young age and the fact that back in my generation it wasn’t spoken about until teens is nothing to do with teens realising at that age but it taking that long to build up the courage to tell someone.

Be pleased that she felt able to tell you, albeit through a friend and reassure her you love her regardless. That’s all you need to do right now.

Sexuality is a preference
It's not really though, is it?
Saying it's a preference infers it's a choice, that you're choosing to be.

It's not
You either are or you aren't.
I don't choose to be straight, I just am.

Thank you @Inamuddle36 .

lol preference, like its his you take your tea

Maybe she is?

My 10 year old daughter has a female school friend who claims to be gay and has talked about them going out together. We believe the other girls feelings are intense even at the age of 10.

Is gay love not real to you? Why did you feel the need to put that into apostrophes. No one is talking about anything sexual, we are talking about childhood crushes. Which is normal, no?

I don't see anyone on this thread being 'sex positive' in regards to this topic, just you sexualising it. Ask yourself why you feel the need to sexualise this topic? Are you incapable of talking about the existence of gay crushes and people without it being in a sexual context?

You do realise that someone saying they're 'bisexual' just means that they like boys and girls, and does not mean anything sexual at all especially in the context of a child. Why are you sexualising it? Did you not have crushes on men at a young age? Why do you think that some people should not know they like the same sex from a young age?