10 year old Dd says she's a lesbian.

[Freeasabird76]

My 10 year old Dd came to me this evening with her friend on a WhatsApp call saying her friend had something to tell me,as she passed me the phone she cuddled up to my side and looked scared,her also 10 year old friend said quite matter of factly,Dd is afraid to say it but wants you to know that shes a lesbian.
At this time my Dd broke down in tears,I told her friend thank you for telling me but I had to hang up now to comfort Dd.
I obviously comforted her and told her like I have before that she should never be afraid to tell me ANYTHING and like I've said in the past I love you no matter who you like,be it girls,boys or girls and boys or neither.
I asked her how long she'd wanted to tell me this and she said a long time.Now I honestly do not care one bit if she likes girls,all I care about is her happiness.
I have questions though,there's been a lot of talk in Dds class this year about girls being lesbian boys being gay etc,obviously different generations so I dont have any experience of this,when I was a child this didnt come up until we were at least say 15.How sure can you be at 10 about your sexuality? I dont recollect being so self aware at that age.

Section 28 looms large.

Of course there is something sexual about it!

Is there something sexual about a young girl saying she likes boys? Or is it just gay crushes you sexualise.

Eh?
I am responding to the assertion that there is nothing sexual about the word bisexual!

I also think 10 years old is too young to be having crushes on anyone whatever sex and they should all be too busy being children.

Why we , as a society are so keen for children to grow up early I have no idea.

I certainly had crushes when I was 10, so did many of my peers. Its hardly unusual.

I agree. If any of my DC had said this at 10, I'd have said, "that's nice, dear. What would you like for supper?"

It’s certainly true that it’s normal to have crushes at 10. However, what many posters seem not to appreciate is that there’s a big difference between a 10-year-old’s crush and even young teenage sexuality — and most certainly, preteen crushes and adult sexuality are different things.

When I was ten, my early romantic crushes on boys revolves around a feeling of butterflies and wanting to be their “special friend”. At 12 I had romantic crushes on girl friends, but I was horrified by the thought of anyone’s actual genitals 😂 At 14 or 15, I was just experiencing real sexual desire for the first time; but though I wanted to do a bit of kissing with boys I was attracted to, and I thought fervently about sex in the abstract, I was in no rush to actually have it, which I was a bit scared of, despite desiring it in the abstract. At 20 I had intense lesbian crushes and relationships, but relatively vanilla lesbian sex; in my thirties I really liked sleeping with men, and had very graphic sexual fantasies about penetration. I could go on, but you get the idea….! What I will firmly say is that nascent pre-teen crushes on either sex at 10 are not remotely the same as adult sexuality.

Somehow we used to know this, before sexuality became reimagined as an unchanging identity category. Yes, children have an emergent sexuality, but it isn’t adult sexuality. That’s why we protect children from actually having sex until they are near adults. Preteen attachments may in some people predict adult sexual preferences or orientation; in others it may not at all. And that’s fine, because pre-pubertal children aren’t adults; they aren’t even teenagers; and sexuality is a complex, fluid, multi-faceted thing that changes over the course of one’s life.

When I was ten, my early romantic crushes on boys revolves around a feeling of butterflies and wanting to be their “special friend”. At 12 I had romantic crushes on girl friends, but I was horrified by the thought of anyone’s actual genitals 😂
Why....why are you assuming that people who are lesbian or gay are thinking about genitals at 10,?! 😳
What, straight people have innocent early romantic feelings of butterflies but if you're gay/lesbian it must mean that they're thinking about what's inside someone's pants/having sex??!!
You do realise gay people are capable of butterflies too, , right? Or do you think that they're just non stop thinking about shagging?! Even at that age?!
WTAF if so stop bloody sexualising kids, totally grim!!

Preteen attachments may in some people predict adult sexual preferences or orientation; in others it may not at all.
Being gay or lesbian isn't an adult sexual preference ffs.
You just are.
Just like I'm straight, and knew I only fancied boys at 10.
Why do you think it's different for people who aren't straight?

When I was ten, my early romantic crushes on boys revolves around a feeling of butterflies and wanting to be their “special friend”. At 12 I had romantic crushes on girl friends, but I was horrified by the thought of anyone’s actual genitals

so straight kids have crushes and butterflies while gay or bi kids have crushes, butterflies and must think of 'actual genitals'?

Make it make sense!

You say that you think 10 years is too young to have crushes on anyone but you would not be concerned at all if it was a boy that the child claimed to have a crush on. I don’t think that children having innocent crushes means that they’re growing up too early, it’s quite normal to have crushes I believe and it’s no different whether they are straight or gay ones.

As for bisexual and having a sexual meaning, I highly doubt that a child using this word means anything sexual at all by it, they mean that they like both girls and boys. And you know what they mean so I don’t understand why you’re being difficult about it. If a child said they were heterosexual would you worry so much? Probably not.

I'd be really shocked if my 10 year old ds had a crush on a boy or girl! Maybe I'm reading more strength of feeling into "crush" than some of you mean, or maybe my 10 year old just seems younger. I do remember being 10 and it was all about friendships for me, not crushes.
I've never done that whole "ooh do you have a girlfriend" stuff some parents seem to start with their small children though, whenever they play for two seconds with a girl.

Were you a bit pissed or something reading my post? You do realise that’s the very opposite of what I said? That no kids whoever they like at ten are thinking about genital sex at that age, whether they will later think of themselves as straight, bi or gay?

Lots of people experience sexuality not as inborn and fixed, but fluid and changeable. Me for one, but as a self-declared straight person, you are telling me how bi or gay people experience their sexuality? Nice.

lesbian here, had my first crush at 11 and it was on a girl. thought nothing of it and simply accepted that i was a lesbian. honestly, 10 is a fairly normal age to start your orientation journey. it's a common age to have a first crush, and while it's not usually 100% certain, it's still valid. if she changes later in life, that's valid. if she doesn't, that's also valid.

Thank you for the input everyone,apparently my daughter was being teased in class on wet play about liking a boy and she stood up and announced to the class that she couldn't like him as she was gay,she didn't tell me about it,one of her classmates mum is a friend.
I'm so proud that she feels comfortable enough to be open about who she is and as far as i know from subtly checking in,no bullying has occured over it.

I knew I liked girls aged 4, but was in denial until my early twenties. I wish I could have been out the whole time so I didn't waste time dicking around with boys as a cover.

You are a good mum and she will be grateful for your understanding. Whether she stays same sex attracted or not is anybody's guess - and it doesn't matter one way or the other, but I would gently enquire whether she's been made to feel under any pressure to decided such a big thing...

I knew that I was a lesbian from when I was about 6. I realised I wanted to spend all of my time around a particular girl who I hadn't previously been friends with. So something clicked in my head and I realised why I couldn't stop thinking about her.

I would just tell her that it's fine to be a lesbian and leave it at that - no asking her to come out as school but just making sure she feels confident to have boundaries as other children can be very keen on trying to shaming girls who are lesbians into dating boys. A few exes of mine regretted being bullied into trying anything with boys years later.

Hello OP

I can see this post is now slightly over a year old but I wanted to throw my 2p worth in!

I've seen a lot of folk mention "sexuality" but in my mind, at that age, it is so not that. I remember being that age (4 decades ago!!!) and sometimes being crazy about a person but all that meant was they felt like someone I really wanted to be around/hang about with.

I don't know (a year on) how things are, but I just wanted to say Go You!!! What an awesome Mum for being so accepting and non judgemental. And especially for not thinking school (hopefully being more inclusive) hadn't turned your DD gay 🙄

Hope life is good for you all xx

It's sad that in this dag and age there are still people who think that same sex couples don't feel real love.

As this is a year on OP, I was wondering if she does still think she is a lesbian?

At that age my feeling is it could be something or nothing. Or indeed it could be nothing of significance and she ends up being gay anyway, there aren't that many options for who to like. Say 50% of girls are at the same sex crush stage at 10, and 1/5 of those end up lesbian - well, all those 10% now think they knew at 10, even though 4/5 of those who thought they knew at 10 were actually wrong.

I doubt she'll be rushing back to update us.

Main thing is to reassure them it's no big deal either way. This is not criticising you OP because kids do get funny ideas in their heads, but I would be a bit disappointed if mine felt they needed a dramatic 'coming out'. I hope we've made it clear we're not assuming either way and there's no hurry to decide. At 11 and 14 they're still going with undecided.

It would be really great if, in the real world, it wasn't a big deal but unfortunately it still is.

She may or may not be gay, the main thing is you are there for her no matter what. If I could have told my mum at 10 my life would have been very different.

Currently I'm seeing the trend with friends desperately instagramming stage managed "dates". Their 10 year olds daughters in , what can only be described as, romantic poses with 10 year old "boyfriends ".

Let them be who they are, when they're ready.

I heard another young kid around 9 or 10 saying she was 'pan sexual'. She is not even sexual so she doesnt know or who she will be attracted to and probably doesnt know what pan sexual is - i dont.

Your daughter may or may not be a lesbian. She will find out when she is sexually mature I amagine.

At least you dont have to worry as long as her body stays in tact. Easy to confirm - with a pinch if salt.

Good luck

Just roll with it! Be supportive. I knew at that age that I wasn’t romantically interested in boys, though we didn’t have the language or culture for me to call myself a lesbian at that age, I was.