10 year old Dd says she's a lesbian.

[Freeasabird76]

My 10 year old Dd came to me this evening with her friend on a WhatsApp call saying her friend had something to tell me,as she passed me the phone she cuddled up to my side and looked scared,her also 10 year old friend said quite matter of factly,Dd is afraid to say it but wants you to know that shes a lesbian.
At this time my Dd broke down in tears,I told her friend thank you for telling me but I had to hang up now to comfort Dd.
I obviously comforted her and told her like I have before that she should never be afraid to tell me ANYTHING and like I've said in the past I love you no matter who you like,be it girls,boys or girls and boys or neither.
I asked her how long she'd wanted to tell me this and she said a long time.Now I honestly do not care one bit if she likes girls,all I care about is her happiness.
I have questions though,there's been a lot of talk in Dds class this year about girls being lesbian boys being gay etc,obviously different generations so I dont have any experience of this,when I was a child this didnt come up until we were at least say 15.How sure can you be at 10 about your sexuality? I dont recollect being so self aware at that age.

Of course she did. She told you this at the time, when you sat together in class.
No?
Thought not.

SpiderinaWingMirror
My best mate (friends for 40 years) always knew she was gay, from like 5 years old.

Of course she did. She told you this at the time, when you sat together in class.
No?
Thought not.

I knew from a primary school age, as do many, but no I didn't mention it in class

@Riapia

Of course she did. She told you this at the time, when you sat together in class.No Thought not.

You're being so disingenuous here. That poster didn't say 'my friend announces she was gay at five in the classroom'. It's very obvious what she meant was that her friend has told her since that she knew she was gay at that age. Here it is again for you:

My best mate (friends for 40 years) always knew she was gay, from like 5 years old.

So now you understand that she didn't announce her sexuality at five, you're just flat out saying her friend, someone you don't know but that poster has known for 40 years, is lying as an adult when she says she knew at 5?

What about those of us who have shared that we know what age, looking back on ourselves as kids, we personally knew we fancied boys / girls / both?

Is there an arbitrary age that you believe us or do you not think that some people know from a younger age than you did and some people know from an older age than you did?

Or to put it more simply... do you accept that everyone is different and those who don't share your experience / expectation shouldn't be dismissed and disbelieved?

@Riapia
We met when we were 12, and have been close friends ever since, we are 55 now.
Being gay when we were young was difficult. You basically moved to London and lived a different and seperate life.
As I say, we have remained firm friends throughout life's trials, but yes, she told me certainly when we were 13/14 that she had always known , from a young age that she was gay.
Being gay in the 1980s was feckin difficult and I have always admired her.
But hey, think what you like.

UrsulaPandress · 03/07/2022 22:15
I liked horses at 10.
I still like horses.
It’s sad that 10 year olds are being forced to think about this. Or encouraged.

I agree entirely. My eldest GD is in the last year of junior school and tells me that some kids in her class are bisexual. For fuck's sake, they haven't even been taught about sex at all yet. It's ridiculous.

My DD announced she was gay when she was around 10/11. She's 19 now and has been in a relationship with a FtM trans guy (pre-op obv) since they were 13.

She's now confided in me that she thinks she's bi. Her and her partner are having issues and are "on a break" and she's starting to fall for a male friend.

When she was 10/11 I think I just said, "okay, love you. What do you want for dinner?"

I fancied both boys and girls by the time I was ten.

Didn't kiss anyone until I was 16 because I didn't like anyone enough.

Didn't lose my virginity until I was 18 and with a boyfriend I loved who I had a really lovely relationship with.

Sexuality isn't the same as having sex.

No. You're wrong. If this 10 yr old told her mum she liked a boy, I would say exactly the same thing. That's nice dear you have a new friend. Clue in the word - friend.

It's not totally bloody normal at all to have boyfriends at primary school. Not the type of primary schools I know of anyway!

Blatent homophobia? Ok love. If it makes you feel better to say that, whatever. I will also direct you to gaysagainstgroomers - they're on instagram. Go and see what they have to say on this matter.

@CoastalWave

And no, for those asking, I didn't have any crushes or anything until I was about 13/14 and aware. In primary I was playing with dolls. As a 10 yr old child should be doing.

Do you not get the concept that just because you didn't have a crush on anyone until a particular age, it doesn't mean nobody else did and it doesn't mean that they are inherently wrong or somehow at fault to have done so?

You keep saying what children 'should' be doing. Who are you to say what they 'should' do?

How the fuck you come to the conclusion I'm the one with the problem is mind blowing. Will say it again. Gaslight all you like, but I'm not the one saying it's perfectly normal for 10 yr olds to announce they're lesbians. Because it clearly bloody well isn't and shouldn't be.

I'm not gaslighting you. I genuinely think you're equating sexuality with acting sexually when they aren't equal concepts.

Your repeated 'should' and 'shouldn't' shows a complete lack of respect for individual experiences that are different to yours.

No. You're wrong. If this 10 yr old told her mum she liked a boy, I would say exactly the same thing. That's nice dear you have a new friend. Clue in the word - friend.

And that would be fine IMO.

But you didn't just say that. You said, and I quote "And yes, I absolutely have said to my daughter, pack it in with that nonsense when she said some boy was her boyfriend! Along the lines of lovely dear, he sounds like a nice friend."

It was clearly the "I absolutely have said to my daughter, pack it in with that nonsense" that sounded dismissive and needlessly unkind if said to a child. And it was you who specifically said you "have said" that to your daughter.

It was a verbatim quote directly from you I think is dismissive and needlessly unkind if said to a child. Which you said it was. It's not gaslighting to quote you, in full, and share an opinion on that quote.

I have to say, we regularly hear from my DD’s primary teachers that if they hear of any “girlfriend/boyfriend” stuff taking root, they absolutely do tell them to “pack it in with that nonsense” pretty much verbatim — and additionally in terms a lot more robust that that! It absolutely is not thought of as somehow psychologically damaging!

The school is extremely keen to squash any of that stuff and will tell the kids outright to stop being so silly, whatever kind of crush or pretend relationship it is. There’s a lot less tolerance for pretend relationships in primary schools than you assume. It really isn’t at all normal for even year 6 kids to be having pretend boyfriend/girlfriend relationships.

(Have you been near a primary school or a 10 y o lately? “Dismissive and needlessly unkind” lol! You should hear what ten year olds tell you. Most of them need telling to “pack it in with that nonsense” several
times a day, for a variety of reasons!)

It really isn’t at all normal for even year 6 kids to be having pretend boyfriend/girlfriend relationships.

And yet

I have to say, we regularly hear from my DD’s primary teachers that if they hear of any “girlfriend/boyfriend” stuff...

Surely if you 'regularly hear' something then it is a 'normal' occurrence rather than an anomaly?

You seem to think this is something where kids are being repressed by meany adults. Nothing could be further from the truth. Schools are heavily onto this at the moment because a big OFSTED report, Everyone’s Invited, came out recently showing sky high levels of pupil on pupil sexual harassment and abuse in the school system, largely of girls by boys but nevertheless a huge systemic issue.

This is concentrated in secondary, but is already happening in some primaries. Kids are increasingly seeing inappropriately sexualised material online, as well as stuff like Tiktok etc. (DD’s school regularly has esafety warnings to both parents and kids about inappropriately sexual material - they already have some boys trying to touch girls inappropriately on occasion.) Some children will already potentially have been exposed to porn, too.

Good primary schools are taking this really seriously, and as part of good grounding in consent and sexual behaviour they really do crack down on the boyfriend/girlfriend pretend stuff. It isn’t all just some romantic idea of having sweet preteen crushes. It can also be heavily bound up with premature sexualisation of children into social and sexual roles that aren’t healthy and shouldn’t be normalised.

For you it might be a nice memory of a sweet crush on a friend. For another 10 year old girl today, it might be being repeatedly pursued and inappropriately touched by a much bigger boy who’s already been shown porn by his older brother, even though she doesn’t have any sexual feelings as yet and just feels uncomfortable and unhappy.

Schools (and parents) are in the business of trying to help children navigate the world in a way that is matter of fact, consent based and age-appropriate, but also doesn’t prematurely sexualise them into adulthood — something that they will be in any case spending their whole teenage years grappling with. So yes, they do take a “pack in that nonsense” approach and yes there is a lot of discussion around this at the moment (I’m a school governor so I hear it more than most, but all primaries had an obligation to survey parents on these issues - among others - as part of the introduction of the new statutory PSHE curriculum).

Taking a quick look at the report and some of the recommendations should really disabuse anyone of the idea that online media isn’t hugely problematic for this generation, too:

www.gov.uk/government/publications/review-of-sexual-abuse-in-schools-and-colleges/review-of-sexual-abuse-in-schools-and-colleges

So when parents are worried about 10 year olds labelling themselves, that’s in a context where there genuinely is a concern about a lot of damaging social pressures to sexualise children early. This isn’t incompatible with supporting children’s nascent identities or possible future sexual orientations. But there are good reasons why posters (and schools) are reluctant to encourage kids that age in “romantic” attachments and role-play, because it involves all sorts of considerations about maturity and consent that that age group are not yet equipped to understand.

Not saying she’s not lesbian - she very well may be.

But I remember around that age I had a gal crush on a random girl at school and thought I was a lesbian. Now early 30s I can categorically say I am not a lesbian 🤣

The thought of being sexual with a women makes me want to physically recoil (not in a homophonic way - am sure lesbians feel similarly about the idea of male company).

So I am not sure what I was thinking then - probably nothing sexual at age 10 so it was probably something else entirely.

Not sure there’s a conclusion or meaning in any of that - just sharing my experiences.

Depends on the child. My cousin knew he was trans by 5

That's fine. Don't get hung up on it, she's ten. Tomorrow she could suddenly develop a crush on a boy, then a week later a girl. Ten year olds have big feelings and can swayed or influenced by many things. Show her support but don't push the matter. You want her to be confident in sticking by or changing her decision. Right now she's dipping her toes into a big world that will take her many years to fully understand - off to a good start with her being open with you so early on. ♥️

Don't worry, it sounds like you've responded to her in a very kind and supportive way. I would have loved to have had a parent who I trusted enough to tell something like that when I was young.

This. It’s so common these days. My DD10 is still emotionally very young and she is getting more and more exposed to conversations about sexual orientation. She’s still playing with dolls for goodness sake. It makes me cranky that other parents think it’s ok to over sexualise their children.

This! A million times, this!

It's so sad to see so many homophobic remarks on here. Thank goodness for a few voices of reason (I'm also looking at you, @MrsTerryPratchett - wise as always!)

FWIW, I'm a gay woman and I definitely had inklings at 10 that I might like girls. Just like many girls at 10 might have inklings that they like boys. Nothing sexual about it. I wasn't being groomed, and my media consumption was mainly watching Live and Kicking, Art Attack and reading Sweet Valley Twins and The Saddle Club like there was no tomorrow!

So @Lanareyrey , if your 10 year old expressed that one day she might like to marry a man, would you that as 'sexual'? If barbie lives with Ken in her game, would that be a sign that she had been 'exposed' to something inappropriate?! Of course not! It's just total heteronormativity. Reverse what you're saying and you'll hopefully see it isn't 'sexual' at all - just knowing/wondering about parts of your identity.

And this might totally blow your mind - I played with dolls at 10. I'm also a lesbian!

@BritInAus No. That is not what I am saying at all.

So what are you saying?

@BritInAus