10 year old Dd says she's a lesbian.

[Freeasabird76]

My 10 year old Dd came to me this evening with her friend on a WhatsApp call saying her friend had something to tell me,as she passed me the phone she cuddled up to my side and looked scared,her also 10 year old friend said quite matter of factly,Dd is afraid to say it but wants you to know that shes a lesbian.
At this time my Dd broke down in tears,I told her friend thank you for telling me but I had to hang up now to comfort Dd.
I obviously comforted her and told her like I have before that she should never be afraid to tell me ANYTHING and like I've said in the past I love you no matter who you like,be it girls,boys or girls and boys or neither.
I asked her how long she'd wanted to tell me this and she said a long time.Now I honestly do not care one bit if she likes girls,all I care about is her happiness.
I have questions though,there's been a lot of talk in Dds class this year about girls being lesbian boys being gay etc,obviously different generations so I dont have any experience of this,when I was a child this didnt come up until we were at least say 15.How sure can you be at 10 about your sexuality? I dont recollect being so self aware at that age.

My brother knew way way way before that age that he was gay. (Didn’t come out until he was 14, and even then said he was bi as he thought parents would be easier with that). I knew I liked boys from a lot younger age than your daughter. It’s just a shame that people need to have to say anything as to who they fancy. Just reassure her that it isn’t a big deal and you can love who you want, and don’t feel the need to bring it up again. Also, not sure how old you are, but at my school there were people having sex at 15, so I think that’s pretty late to talk about who you fancy.

Were you sure of your sexuality at 15? As in, if you told your parents you liked boys and they said, ‘are you completely sure you don’t like girls’, how would you have reacted then?

Just support her and give her the space to find herself. No point questioning or thinking so much into . Like you said it doesn't matter if she likes boys girls or aliens...she just needs love and support

Well I knew at 10 that I liked boys.
She may be a lesbian she may not be. I'd tell her she could change a lot between now and when she's a teenager/adult and you'll love her whoever she eventually becomes.

I liked horses at 10.

I still like horses.

It’s sad that 10 year olds are being forced to think about this. Or encouraged.

I would let her know that you love her no matter what but not worry about putting a label on herself so young.

At 10 I would have said I knew I liked boys. At 15 it started to dawn on me I might like girls too. At 25 I had a long term female partner as a lesbian.

Some people know early on; some don’t. Some people’s sexuality is apparent to them early on; others experience this more fluidly as something that changes over time. For your DD it could be either - she won’t know for a while!

At ten I think “that’s fine dear; we love you whatever” is all that’s needed. (And if pressed you could say that some people know their sexuality when they are ten; and some don’t and may change their minds about who they like later on, and either way is completely normal and okay.)

I would just let her be. She doesn't need to be one thing or another at her age (or any age!). My son told us he was gay at the same age, we basically said ok cool and left it at that. Atv14 he is now dating a girl and I'm pretty sure he's straight - I think at 10 he had a lot of very strong emotions around his male best friend and didn't know how to interpret them. Equally lots of gay people do say they knew from a very young age.

Either way it doesn't really matter as long as she's happy and feels loved and able to express herself.

Thank you all,that's what I said that I loved her no matter who she liked but also that she was too young to be thinking about girlfriends or boyfriends,but that it was nothing to be afraid of ashamed of.

She knows how she feels right now, she doesn't know how her whole dating life will turn out yet and that's ok. All she needs to know is that you accept her no matter what and that when she's ready she should date people who make her smile and treat her well. Regardless of their sex. Youngsters now do seem to spend a lot of time and energy exploring sexual and gender identity.

I do wonder whether with younger kids the simple messaging we give them eg 'Some girls love girls' can leave them confused as the only 'love' they know at 10 is platonic love and intense same sex friendships. Equally some kids clearly know they're gay from very early on.

Think your reaction is spot on and will hopefully encourage her to talk to you about feelings and relationships as she gets older.

Lots of us knew from quite early on that we liked girls/ boys/ both, and most of my asexual friends just thought they weren't ready (until they reached an age where it appeared apparent they just don't have attraction or desire like that).

I always knew how I identified, and also realised early on that I liked anyone regardless of gender or outward expression of gender identity. I didn't talk about any of it much, because there was so much stigma round it.

My eldest came out at seven, and just gets on with things. That was nearly eight years ago and nothing has changed, still queer af and happy as they are. Likes pride from far away because of sound sensitivity.

My youngest is 11 and came out at ten, as bi. But it's just one part of who she is as a whole. Sometimes I notice she has pictures of cute girls up on the wall, but it's just not something to bat an eyelid at.

A lesbian friend of mine hadn't ever even looked at a guy, til she was nearly thirty and met her now long term boyfriend. Always had relationships with women, thought she was lesbian. Others dated guys off and on but never got serious, til they came out as lesbian and dated women.

She (your dd) might know, she might think she knows, it doesn't matter. As long as we are accepting, no huge fuss has to happen. And she can continue to like dolls or horses or painting or whatever she enjoys. Most of us don't ever grow out of our passions either :)

@Cranberryclover sorry for confusion,I meant nobody was coming out when I was young until we were about 15,I knew I liked boys definitely by 11.
I think I'm confused about whether this is down to her or because of all the discussions about it with friends classmates at such a young age.

Ridiculous comment. Many people are aware from a young age what sex they're attracted to, I had crushes from as far back as 9 that I can remember.

I would be supportive but would also be cutting off any unsupervised internet access and would be talking to her teacher about what is happening in school.

My best mate (friends for 40 years) always knew she was gay, from like 5 years old.

I knew I liked girls in primary school so about aged 9/10 I guess. I thought I was in love with my best female friend- obviously too young to be actually in love. I remember getting a feeling of panic one day in assembly as I would stare at teachers boobs- I guess like boys would do and I didn't even know what a lesbian was. I genuinally thought there was something seriously wrong with me.
Anyway I didn't tell anyone until I was 18 and I never received the support I hoped for. I'm 32 now and fully comfortable with myself. Just realised I've never fully shared that story before 😅
With regards to your daughter you are doing the right thing supporting her. As she grows up she will find herself fully. I have had moments of doubting myself- I think because of pressure from family(not much support received) and social pressure really.
As long as she's got that space to find herself free of judgement she will be ok.

@NippyWoowoo

Well that just shows that we are all different.

And all entitled to express an opinion.

Jog on chuck.

Everyone has an intense female friendship crush at around that age. Everyone I've asked anyway. Usually fizzles out. I wouldn't see it as settled or encourage it either way.

Would you also do that if a ten year old girl was aware the she liked boys/a ten year old boy was aware that he likes girls?

I think you're doing exactly the right things.

I don't think it matters whether she 'knows'. Maybe she does - wouldn't be unusual. But maybe she doesn't - and we've all been there. Plenty of people much older than her get married thinking it's 'the one' and find they were wrong! There's no reason to hold her to a higher standard of accuracy just because she's saying she's gay. If she were saying she liked a boy, you wouldn't be assuming that was a statement about the rest of her life, would you?

So I'd just say you keep telling her she's doing fine. She obviously feels comfortable and secure and you've made her feel that way.

My eight and ten year old DDs are both currently identifying as lesbians. DD1 has a crush on her best friend. DD2 has a “girl friend” though they break up about everyday.
My DDs were spending a lot of time with an older girl who had come out and has a girlfriend. I (jokingly) say that they have “caught gay” from her. Essentially kids are exposed to the concepts of sexuality, gender identity etc much younger and attitudes have done a complete 180 from when I was at school and being accused of being a lesbian was the worst thing that could happen to you and social death!
I’m just rolling with it. Being supportive but not making a big thing out of it either.

@Spudina tell me about it. A girl caught me staring at her in high school and she shouted round the whole class I'm a lesbian. I cried quietly in the corner mortified!
My generation wasn't exposed to talks of sexuality either and I think it would of made it easier if it was discussed tbh.
You sound like a supportive mum

I knew at 10 that I fancied both girls and boys.

I don't think it's that unusual.

But at 10 I think a 'it's ok to feel that way now and it's ok if it changes too. You can always talk to me about anything worrying you or anything you feel is important to you. Love you lots" feels fine.

“That’s totally fine sweetheart! You don’t need to make any definite decisions right now though, just keep being you and see where it takes you”. Seriously, why oh why are kids under this pressure? It’s no wonder mental health is in massive decline!!…Mainstream media demands drama for every situation and young kids mirror this behaviour. When will society realise how buggered up it is?! Help her calm down and realise it’s a non issue.

My daughter tolde she was attracted to girls when she was around 13 or so. She is now in her 20s.
She just knew and was certain. 10 is young but she may just know.
Just tell her that's fine and please don't focus on the fact she may still change her mind.
You would not suggest that is she had a crush on a boy.