Is my daughter trans?

[IdentifyasTired]

My lovely 12 year old DD started secondary school last September.
She’s a very clever, academic but socially awkward and highly anxious person. She has always had female friends, girls who were her BFFs in primary school. She loved unicorns, My Little Pony and never had a problem with wearing dresses or skirts.
Last week after looking at her phone i discovered a message she sent to one of her female friends.
The message read:
What do you think of trans people?
Friend replied: I don’t mind. Everyone should just be themselves.
My DD: ‘oh well in that case I’m kinda trans lmao’

I asked her about it. She got very uncomfortable and very upset. I have since found out that her closest male friend has been encouraging her to download discord and telling her she’s a furry?! Part of the furry fandom? She said there’s a lot of LGBT in furry.

But when I spoke to her, it emerged:
She wants to be a boy but thinks she’s probably a girl.
She feels wrong.
She hates her body.
She hates having periods.
She feels constantly uncomfortable in herself.
She doesn’t want to grow up.
She doesn’t want her breasts to get bigger.
She doesn’t want men or boys to look at her sexually. She doesn’t know if she’s attracted to boys or girls.
Being a boy feels ‘safer’.
She wants to cut her hair and wear trousers for school.
She wants to use a boys name.
She doesn’t want to see a doctor or a therapist about any of this. Nor does she want the rest of the family or teachers at school to know.
She said she felt sure she was trans until I spoke to her and now she’s not so sure.

Her anxiety is through the roof at the moment.

I’m so worried and scared for her. And so confused. So is she.

Does it seem likely this is gender dysphoria? Or is something else going on?
Any advice, any help and I’d be so so grateful.

www.addvancedsolutions.co.uk/uploads/media/files/resources/AS%20Autism%20and%20Girls%202021.pdf

@Lambkin689

Please please read this article lacroicsz.substack.com/p/by-any-other-name?utm_source=url I think it will help you understand some of the things your daughter may have been exposed to online, including the fanpages, and the kind of people she may have been speaking with.

That link is terrifying. But thanks for posting it, it’s very important for parents to see the kinds of images and ideas their children have been viewing.

@IdentifyasTired

She’s very clever, taught herself to read before starting school. Struggled with friendships in primary school. Had friends but very much a follower not a leader. Was bullied by one other girl. But school did sort it in the end. Quite a narrow focus of interests. Obsessed with computer games from very early on. Can’t bear lots of noise, not spontaneous, prone to catastrophising, very nervous about travelling, holidays, going to new places. Finds social situations draining, can only manage a few hours with friends before wanting to come home. Though when she was littler, this wasn’t the case. Does this fit an autism profile?

I would say very much so yes. Look at Prof Tony Attwoods work.

@HollowTalk

I would take her offline immediately. That friend is terrible for her mental health and I'd do my best to stop that contact. She's obviously having a tough time with her hormones and I'd focus on exercise, eating well, lots of positivity, yoga, dancing and happy programmes on TV. She needs her childhood back. The internet is destroying it.

Agreed. Remove her internet use ASAP.

From what you’ve written I would agree with most of the advice you’ve been given so far- your daughter sounds like she may be possibly on the spectrum and this, combined with anxiety and online influences has brought her to this point.
We went through something with our teen DD last year - she was 16 then and a strange friendship she developed with an older girl caused us concern. My husband ended up looking at her texts (I still have a hard time with this) and we found out she was confused, hated her breasts in particular and was being encouraged to view herself as a boy and wear a binder. The friend ordered the binder to be delivered to her house so we wouldn’t know.
Whilst DD claimed to us to not want to be a boy, she’s clearly confused about her sexuality. Up until she was 15 I would have sworn she was straight- lots of interest in boys and dressing in regular teen girl clothing. Since then her clothing choices have gradually changed so that now she only wears male clothing. Last fall she asked to cut her hair short which was (surprisingly to me) extremely emotional for me and DH. At the end of the day it’s just hair so we agreed. Now she pretty much could pass for a teenage boy if you didn’t know she was female. In fact, at least twice now when we’ve been out, other people have referred to her as my son or he. That’s was extremely hard.
We’ve decided to support her with clothes/hair as at the end of the day they can change easily. So far, she hasn’t declared herself to be a boy or asked to change pronouns etc but, honestly, it’s always in the back of our minds and I dread that. It doesn’t help that she’s 18 later this year so, theoretically she could make those decisions on her own:(
In reality, we don’t live in the UK right now and where we live she wouldn’t have the money to do anything medical for a few years yet…
I just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone. The rise of social media influence is huge and I know where we are, most of the teens seem to identify as bi or gay and there are trans kids in their schools who are seemingly accepted. However, a small liberal community isn’t the big wide world, which can be far crueler than their more protected environment right now. It scares me so much the influences out there on teens who naturally struggle through these big physical and emotional changes:(
We are supporting but not affirming. Mumsnet has been a huge support because lots of parents are going through the same thing- we all love our children and want them to be happy but not by making decisions as teens that could permanently affect them. Good luck!

Oh bless her. So much pressure from everywhere. The fucking internet really is the enemy of children.
I think you sound like a great mum. I think it's wonderful that you're keeping her off-line as much as possible.
She needs to rely on you and DH who know her vulnerabilities, not strangers online who could have all kinds of motives. Or kids from school who've already been brainwashed themselves.
I really understand PPs' concern about your DD being pushed down the gender reassignment path.
Try not to panic just yet though.
It sounds to me that she's already pulling away from that. She's obviously a very sensitive, anxious, bewildered- and thus easily led child. She's all over the shop atm.
She clearly has strong anxiety and maybe there's autism in the mix. I certainly don't know enough to comment although i've read a lot about the connection, particularly in girls.
DH going to the GP as a first step could actually be a great idea as he can gauge your GP's opinions.
If DH comes back from the Dr with any concerns you can then by pass and research a private child psychologist who doesn't have any agenda to push.
But I really hope the GP is open and sensible and can steer you to professional, neutral help.

She hates her body - Pretty normal.

She hates having periods - Don't we all?

She feels constantly uncomfortable in herself - Still exploring the world, pretty normal.

She doesn’t want to grow up - Did any of us want to grow up?

She doesn’t want her breasts to get bigger - Makes sense if she is still exploring who she is, also, make sure she's not in pain, that can be a reason for some. I had friends at school who got really bad chest pain during puberty.

She doesn’t want men or boys to look at her sexually. She doesn’t know if she’s attracted to boys or girls - Sexuality can take time to develop, give her space, and make sure she feels safe at home to explore.

Being a boy feels ‘safer’. - Goes without saying sadly.

She wants to cut her hair and wear trousers for school. - Fits in with the above, but also, trousers for school is possibly something to make her feel safe at school.

She wants to use a boys name. - Okay, try it, no harm in trying a name around the house, if it doesn't feel right for her, then she'll learn more about herself!

She doesn’t want to see a doctor or a therapist about any of this. Nor does she want the rest of the family or teachers at school to know. - Well there's no need for anyone else to know she has therapy, but I feel it's very important that you get her to see a therapist, there's no shame in it, I have seen many over the years. If it bothers her when talking to friends, she could tell them it's a book club she goes to.

She said she felt sure she was trans until I spoke to her and now she’s not so sure. - Needs room to explore.

There are some things here that I would say need investigating by a trained professional. You're really going to have to press for the therapy.