Is my daughter trans?

[IdentifyasTired]

My lovely 12 year old DD started secondary school last September.
She’s a very clever, academic but socially awkward and highly anxious person. She has always had female friends, girls who were her BFFs in primary school. She loved unicorns, My Little Pony and never had a problem with wearing dresses or skirts.
Last week after looking at her phone i discovered a message she sent to one of her female friends.
The message read:
What do you think of trans people?
Friend replied: I don’t mind. Everyone should just be themselves.
My DD: ‘oh well in that case I’m kinda trans lmao’

I asked her about it. She got very uncomfortable and very upset. I have since found out that her closest male friend has been encouraging her to download discord and telling her she’s a furry?! Part of the furry fandom? She said there’s a lot of LGBT in furry.

But when I spoke to her, it emerged:
She wants to be a boy but thinks she’s probably a girl.
She feels wrong.
She hates her body.
She hates having periods.
She feels constantly uncomfortable in herself.
She doesn’t want to grow up.
She doesn’t want her breasts to get bigger.
She doesn’t want men or boys to look at her sexually. She doesn’t know if she’s attracted to boys or girls.
Being a boy feels ‘safer’.
She wants to cut her hair and wear trousers for school.
She wants to use a boys name.
She doesn’t want to see a doctor or a therapist about any of this. Nor does she want the rest of the family or teachers at school to know.
She said she felt sure she was trans until I spoke to her and now she’s not so sure.

Her anxiety is through the roof at the moment.

I’m so worried and scared for her. And so confused. So is she.

Does it seem likely this is gender dysphoria? Or is something else going on?
Any advice, any help and I’d be so so grateful.

Here is an article about the former Tavistock Marcus Evans, who resigned because of what's going on over GIDS - ending a 35 year association with the Tavistock.

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/governor-quits-blinkered-tavistock-clinic-82db7wzq8

Sorry, that should say former Tavistock governor (and consultant psychotherapist) Marcus Evans.

The criteria for gender dysphoria are on the NHS website. Have a read. The NHS pages say that anxiety, distress, loneliness and so on are actually symptoms of it. Don't think the doctor is going to say "no, she's just autistic/anxious/whatever". The doctor is likely going to refer to this guidance and refer her on to the "experts". Also, the kids know how to follow the script. They can read this stuff as well as we can. If she gets deeper into all this, she will say whatever the doctor needs to hear. I'm sure the likelihood is it won't get that far and I don't want to panic you - but just please don't think the doctor is going to confidently dismiss the gender stuff.

Here is an open letter from Clinical Psychologist Dr Kirsty Entwhistle which she wrote to GIDS director when she resigned, whistleblowing her grave concerns that clinicians at GIDS are not being able to do their job properly because of the culture at GIDS and the ideology - clinicians like her are accused of transphobia if they suggest children may not be trans.

I think there are others, like me, who went to work at GIDS expecting to do complex assessments and differential diagnosis but the reality is that you run the risk of being called transphobic if you propose that, say, a child might have Body Dysmorphia rather than Gender Dysphoria.

medium.com/@kirstyentwistle/an-open-letter-to-dr-polly-carmichael-from-a-former-gids-clinician-53c541276b8d

Here's an article on five further, anonymous clinicians who resigned from GIDS: www.thetimes.co.uk/article/calls-to-end-transgender-experiment-on-children-k792rfj7d

The Times has spoken to five clinicians who resigned from the service because of concerns over the treatment of vulnerable children who come to the clinic presenting as transgender.

They believe that some gay children struggling with their sexuality are being wrongly diagnosed as “transgender” by the Gender Identity Development Service (GIDS) clinic.

All five former staff were responsible for deciding which trans-identifying youngsters should be given hormone blockers to halt their sexual development. The vast majority of those who begin blockers go on to irreversible cross-sex hormones once they reach 16.

The NHS specialists warned that vulnerable children and teenagers had been sent down the path towards transition before experts had time to assess the causes of their gender confusion.

An Oxford professor has also raised concerns about the safety of drug therapies used by the clinic, saying the treatments were “supported by low-quality evidence, or in many cases no evidence at all”.

The number of young people referred to the clinic in north London has soared. In 2010 there were 94 referrals. By last year there were 2,519. The youngest was aged three. The five clinicians are among at least 18 clinical staff who have resigned over the past three years.

In an internal review, seen by The Times, the GIDS admitted it needed to improve its referral system and the way it obtained and recorded informed consent before young people were sent for life-changing medical intervention.

“I felt for the last two years what kept me in the job was the sense there was a huge number of children in danger. I was there to protect children from being damaged,” one clinician said.

“This experimental treatment is being done on not only children, but very vulnerable children,” another said.

Here's an article about the Safeguarding Lead for GIDS suing her own trust over safeguarding concerns.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-58453250

As the child safeguarding lead at the trust, Ms Appleby's job meant protecting children at risk from maltreatment, and stopping impairment of children's health or development.

The tribunal heard that a number of staff brought concerns to Ms Appleby. The concerns included the high numbers of children being referred to Gids, and "a worry that some young children are being actively encouraged to be transgender without effective scrutiny of their circumstances".

Ms Appleby then reported these concerns to her line manager.

The Tavistock and Portman NHS Trust specialises in mental health, and the gender clinic is a service within it

It heard evidence that after this, instead of addressing the concerns, the trust management attempted to prevent her from carrying out her safeguarding role in what Ms Appleby described as a "full-blown organisational assault".

The tribunal concluded that Ms Appleby was subjected to "quasi disciplinary treatment" and there was "obvious unfairness" in the way she had been dealt with by the trust.

All of these serious, senior professionals are leaving their jobs and publicly whistleblowing (with the exception of Sonia Appleby, who's still there) in order to protect children like yours from a service where something is going very wrong indeed.

They have concerns that GIDS is damaging children - including a high number of autistic girls and gay or bi children - and not listening to staff members who are flagging concerns.

I was like this when I was about 14-15. For me, it was definitely being exposed to too much stuff on the internet. As previous posters have said, try reduce her social media time and replace it with a wholesome and social hobby, like drama group or something more niche (they have a kids filmmakers club where I live).

It all sounds really normal how she's feeling, and I think she sounds as if she feels pressured to put a label on why she feels different to the standard/popular girls at school.

Ok. Well maybe we will try to address the anxiety first since it is the thing that bothers her most. And we’ll take it from there.
I feel filled with a sense of dread about the whole thing. Surely not every kid who feels a bit confused and uncomfortable in themselves is diagnosed with gender dysphoria?!

How long has she been highly anxious? Many, many children who are already anxious in primary school have undiagnosed ASD.

@FrancescaContini

I’d say she’s spending too much time on Instagram and being brainwashed. I would switch off the Wi-Fi, get her outside for some brisk activities, get her into cooking/drama/sport, whatever. Discourage endless navel gazing, be brisk about negative comments about her body, distract. Read Irreversible Damage by Abigail Shrier. But get her off the Internet, pronto.

100%

She’s always been anxious. She was an anxious baby! She’s never been a happy go lucky kid.

Just to reiterate, her phone and laptop usage is now severely restricted. And used only under supervision.

@IdentifyasTired

Ok. Well maybe we will try to address the anxiety first since it is the thing that bothers her most. And we’ll take it from there. I feel filled with a sense of dread about the whole thing. Surely not every kid who feels a bit confused and uncomfortable in themselves is diagnosed with gender dysphoria?!

No, not every child. But children who are a bit confused and uncomfortable in themselves often self diagnose as trans after finding out about it online or hearing about it from friends or teachers. And then once they have decided they're trans, it's easy to find out what to say to doctors to get what you want.

Many professionals and parents are worried that this is the reason so many autistic DC are on the books at GIDS - they feel different, that they don't fit in. And then they read stuff about gender identity that gives them an answer, it says - you feel like you don't fit in because you're trans. And, more importantly, it offers a "cure". The stuff the kids are reading and watching promises them what they want. It tells them that if they transition, they will feel better. They will be their "true selves". There's stuff out there that's telling them that if they're thinking they might be trans, then that means they are trans.

This stuff is so persuasive. Add into the mix, kids who are prone to hyperfocus on topics of interest (e.g. ASD and ADHD kids) and then you have a whole bunch of kids who make trans their specialist subject, it becomes their obsession. (I have ADHD myself and ASD people in my immediate family so I understand well how this works in practice).

And, the clinicians who want to explore this stuff instead of affirmign kids as trans are being penalised at GIDS - or have quit.

Not all kids who are referred to GIDS are referred on for transition. You might be lucky and find your GP doesn't refer her to GIDS. Or, the counsellor you take her to for her anxiety may not also be a gender ideologue. But, the problem is, once you light the touch paper on involving gender ideologues, the situation is out of your control.

It might become obvious to you that your DD is being influenced by others, but you may find that the professionals dealing with her label you as a transphobe for doubting here and ignore you. GIDS won't ask your permission to give blockers to your child. Any counsellor you take her to for anxiety may latch onto the gender stuff and lead her down that path.

If it was my child, I'd start with contacting organisations like Bayswater and finding a counsellor who you know to be gender critical and who won't refer her to GIDS.

The other thing it's important to know about GIDS is that they can't help with any other issues, like anxiety or autism. Once it's been decided gender identity is the issue, DC can end up on a waiting list for GIDS for ages with none of their other issues being resolved while they wait or when they get there. During this time, they can become convinced that their ongoing anxiety or feelings of not fitting in or whatever the problems are, are down to gender and that transition will be the solution.

But, there is no evidence that transition does solve these problems and may well make them worse (along with all the side affects). So, pursuing diagnosis for gender dysphoria can mean other issues go untreated. And if you read detransitioners stories, they often talk about having to realise and come to terms with the fact that transition didn't solve the underlying issues, after they've caused immeasurable damage to their bodies.

I feel filled with a sense of dread about the whole thing

I don't blame you on bit. It is overwhelming and we shouldn't have to negotiate this absurd and terrifying nonsense when we're trying to support our kids through difficult times.

My eldest isn't at all taken in by gender ideology, thankfully, but my youngest isn't old enough to understand it yet, I would be terrified if she got caught up in this when she was older.

Sending unmumenstty (((hugs))) to you.

It's great your DD is talking to you about this.

If she says she's feeling unsafe as a girl, I'd really want to explore what it is that's making her feel unsafe - where she is when she feels like this.

I wonder if she's been exposed to porn? The average age for kids to see porn these days is 11 . Even if they don't look it up themselves, other kids can get it on their phones and shove it in other kids faces to tease them.

And, I don't know if you've seen porn in the last decade, but it's horribly violent and misogynistic. What we used to call "hard core porn" is the mainstream now. There is also a concern that girls may be wanting to escape womanhood as this is what they think it's about.

My DS was shown hardcore porn within 3 weeks of starting secondary. Luckily we were able to have a very open conversation about how exploitative it is and how it's not real, that it's not what adults actually do in bed - the women are being exploited etc. And he seemed to really get it.

Also, I wonder if she's getting hassle from men in the streets? Men started hassling me when I grew breasts, so from about 12. Perhaps she's had some bad experiences - from grown men or from boys in her school? I used to dress like a boy as a teenager (baggy hoodie to hide my long hair and boys cut jeans) partly to deflect the hassle I got from men in the streets.

I think this is where I'd - gently - start a conversation with my DD if she said she felt safer as a boy.

If she's feeling bad about her periods, I highly recommend this book. It teaches girls about not only their periods but their whole cycle and it's full of positive messages.

www.amazon.co.uk/My-Period-Find-period-positive/dp/1526363372?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

There is s correlation crossover between autism and trans I’d get her a referral for autism first and help with anxiety
Just let her know you support her no matter what

@Soontobe60

*She feels wrong. She hates her body. She hates having periods. She feels constantly uncomfortable in herself. She doesn’t want to grow up. She doesn’t want her breasts to get bigger. She doesn’t want men or boys to look at her sexually. She doesn’t know if she’s attracted to boys or girls. Being a boy feels ‘safer’*

These all sound like the things that almost every girl of her age go through. It’s called puberty, and coming to terms with being seen as a sexual being now by the males around her.
She isn’t trans, she’s being influenced by her so called friend, and social media. Your job is to ensure she knows that she cannot change sex, but she can present to the world in any way she likes - so she can cut her hair and wear trousers to school but that doesn’t make a girl turn into a boy.

My thoughts exactly. I remember hating my changing body and feeling so uncomfortable.

I feel social media has got an answer for and young teens are seeking a reason for these feelings and landing on trans rather than just going through what most girls go through at that age.

*social media has got a lot to answer for

Please please read this article lacroicsz.substack.com/p/by-any-other-name?utm_source=url
I think it will help you understand some of the things your daughter may have been exposed to online, including the fanpages, and the kind of people she may have been speaking with.

I think all you can do right now is be there for her.

Tell her that whoever she is/ wants to be/ becomes you will be there for her and love her no matter what.

Keep the lines of communication open with her. You sound like a lovely mum x

The hormonal upheaval at that age is huge... I had many of the feelings that your daughter had, 30 years ago, when I was becoming a teenager. Before trans was even a thing. It’s so easy for that issue to get in the mix with puberty. It’s good that you can talk about it with her. Just being there for her is reassuring, you’re doing a great job.

I would take her offline immediately. That friend is terrible for her mental health and I'd do my best to stop that contact. She's obviously having a tough time with her hormones and I'd focus on exercise, eating well, lots of positivity, yoga, dancing and happy programmes on TV. She needs her childhood back. The internet is destroying it.

She’s not trans but very possibly autistic. She’s trying to ‘fit in’. Sorry to be blunt but this is what is jumping out at me from your original message.