Is my daughter trans?

[IdentifyasTired]

My lovely 12 year old DD started secondary school last September.
She’s a very clever, academic but socially awkward and highly anxious person. She has always had female friends, girls who were her BFFs in primary school. She loved unicorns, My Little Pony and never had a problem with wearing dresses or skirts.
Last week after looking at her phone i discovered a message she sent to one of her female friends.
The message read:
What do you think of trans people?
Friend replied: I don’t mind. Everyone should just be themselves.
My DD: ‘oh well in that case I’m kinda trans lmao’

I asked her about it. She got very uncomfortable and very upset. I have since found out that her closest male friend has been encouraging her to download discord and telling her she’s a furry?! Part of the furry fandom? She said there’s a lot of LGBT in furry.

But when I spoke to her, it emerged:
She wants to be a boy but thinks she’s probably a girl.
She feels wrong.
She hates her body.
She hates having periods.
She feels constantly uncomfortable in herself.
She doesn’t want to grow up.
She doesn’t want her breasts to get bigger.
She doesn’t want men or boys to look at her sexually. She doesn’t know if she’s attracted to boys or girls.
Being a boy feels ‘safer’.
She wants to cut her hair and wear trousers for school.
She wants to use a boys name.
She doesn’t want to see a doctor or a therapist about any of this. Nor does she want the rest of the family or teachers at school to know.
She said she felt sure she was trans until I spoke to her and now she’s not so sure.

Her anxiety is through the roof at the moment.

I’m so worried and scared for her. And so confused. So is she.

Does it seem likely this is gender dysphoria? Or is something else going on?
Any advice, any help and I’d be so so grateful.

She’s very clever, taught herself to read before starting school. Struggled with friendships in primary school. Had friends but very much a follower not a leader. Was bullied by one other girl. But school did sort it in the end. Quite a narrow focus of interests. Obsessed with computer games from very early on. Can’t bear lots of noise, not spontaneous, prone to catastrophising, very nervous about travelling, holidays, going to new places. Finds social situations draining, can only manage a few hours with friends before wanting to come home. Though when she was littler, this wasn’t the case.
Does this fit an autism profile?

The furries stuff has been stopped completely. A boy at school told her about it because she loves to draw animals with human characteristics. He told her she was a furry. That set her off with it. She downloaded discord and began talking to other ‘furries’. But that has been stopped, phone taken away and only used under supervision. She’s always been quite easily led. Has zero confidence in herself and has always wanted to fit in.

I think the narrow focus of interests does and the being overwhelmed by noise. Your description of her anxiety sounds a lot like I felt at her age and in adulthood. I don't have autism (afaik). Poor thing.

On a separate note...she wants to hide but wouldn't her becoming trans mean that she would stick out more? Especially at school. In puberty and adolescence, there's no escaping changes and difference and that feeling of everyone is looking at you, no matter who or what you are, sadly.

All these things she is feeling are not unusual or unexpected for girls entering puberty. It is an incredibly difficult time for so many young people, and working on building her self esteem & confidence as an individual, not having to fit in to societal gender stereotypes, will hopefully give her more confidence & help her understand & deal with her feelings.
She can present & express herself how she likes, without having to think she is trans.
I feel for her & you. Good luck x

I can't even begin to tell you how normal all of this is at the moment. It's almost like they need something to cling on to.

It reminds me of on 'The School that tried to end Racism' when the secondary children were asked to bring in and talk about something from,their culture. Some of the white British kids struggled to find anything to say. Now everything is about gender. Nobody wants to be the straight one. My dc was most perturbed when her announcement about her sexuality was almost ignored. We don't care who she is attracted to. We didn't intentionally downplay it. It just seemed unimportant really,

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing by cutting down on her internet access and getting her involved with other activities.

Counselling for her anxiety, privately. Gp referral.

She sounds like an anxious child with perfectly reasonable concerns about puberty and being a girl/woman. Talk to her about all of it.

Women do not love having periods, being stared at by random boys/men who feel threatening, getting bras fitted, etc ad nauseum. I reckon the vast majority of us have considered that life as a man would be a lot easier. These are perfectly normal things to feel and wonder.

They do not mean she's trans.

You should seek support for her for the anxiety. Take her to the GP, even if she is not keen.

But on the trans question - just lots of loving listening from you and dh, talking to her openly and honestly about anything she brings up.

I'd say she sounds very likely to be autistic but none of us can diagnose over the internet but a lot of your posts suggest common features of autism in girls:

self taught early reader, struggles with friendships, under the radar as very academic, doesn't feel she fits in, easily led, highly anxious, puberty and coping with change causing trauma, family history of autism.

A lot of the features are right there.

To me this sounds like a perfectly normal way for a 12 year old to feel. It is standard to dislike your body at that age, and now they are under huge pressure to slap labels on themselves and define their sexuality at an age when many of them simply don't yet have those feelings. The images of women they are bombarded with are all pouting lips, giant breasts and excessive contouring, and they look at that and think that is womanhood!

Reassure her that how she feels is normal and that it will pass. Tell her that real women do not look like sex dolls and that there are lots of ways to be a woman, and that being a woman is great. Monitor her internet use - Instagram makes girls feel terrible about themselves in particular- and don't let her go on Reddit; it is a cesspit. Get her outside doing physical things and using her body, so she feels connected to it.

Agree with get her outside doing physical things. Emphasise how great her body is because it can do things, not because of how it looks.

Nature is great for any mental health difficulties, woodland walks by rivers or go to the beach. Get her out of her head and away from tech/internet.

I know that might make me seem like awful but I’m terrified of the prospect of hormone treatments and surgeries on my precious girl.

That doesn't make you awful, that means your mother instincts are working and you are hearing them. Listen to them, don't doubt yourself.

You are seeing what, sadly, many adults and children who are caught up in the hype cannot. Hormone treatment, surgeries (and puberty blockers) are damaging and extremely dangerous. You need to arm yourself with the facts to help your DD see through the propaganda, and she will be getting a load of it.

Visit the feminism section here, it really is the best place on the internet to start researching this stuff. Search for posts by CharleyParley and Datun. Loads of knowledgeable women on here, those two are a mine of information in particular.

Also research autism.

Find out what your school's policy on kids who say there are trans is, your DD is at risk of being socially transed at school. They may change her gender on the register and not even feel they need to tell you.

Your DD will be being bombarded by dangerous propaganda. You need to arm yourself with facts and give her support to help navigate this.

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2021/nov/19/diagnosis-women-autism-later-life

thegirlwiththecurlyhair.co.uk/

autisticgirlsnetwork.org/. She sounds more autistic and there is definitely a link between autism and gender dysphoria.

bayswatersupport.org.uk/resources-autism/

@IdentifyasTired

She’s very clever, taught herself to read before starting school. Struggled with friendships in primary school. Had friends but very much a follower not a leader. Was bullied by one other girl. But school did sort it in the end. Quite a narrow focus of interests. Obsessed with computer games from very early on. Can’t bear lots of noise, not spontaneous, prone to catastrophising, very nervous about travelling, holidays, going to new places. Finds social situations draining, can only manage a few hours with friends before wanting to come home. Though when she was littler, this wasn’t the case. Does this fit an autism profile?

She sounds exactly like me and I'm autistic. Teaching yourself to read is a big clue, it's called hyperlexia and is so common in autistic children.

Your first step is to contact your GP and ask for an assessment.

Get in touch with the Bayswater Support group, they're not pro medical transitioning like some groups are. Don't go anywhere near Mermaids as they will push chemical and medical transitioning ASAP. What your dd needs is time and space to explore her identity which is hard for any teen to do without all the added difficulties.

Hyperlexia is extremely common in autistic children. I'm autistic and did the same. She sounds very much like I was at that age, afraid of growing up, easily led, a follower of others as I tried so hard to fit in.

I totally agree with the previous posts and I'm so sorry she's feeling like this. Can I suggest horse riding as an excellent way to relax and build confidence. Not trying to suggest it's some silver bullet but I thought it might be a good way to take her out of herself a bit.

Tony Atwood has some very helpful material on girls with autism. It's often overlooked because girls are so good at masking. Even when that's causing them massive anxiety.

@IdentifyasTired

She’s very clever, taught herself to read before starting school. Struggled with friendships in primary school. Had friends but very much a follower not a leader. Was bullied by one other girl. But school did sort it in the end. Quite a narrow focus of interests. Obsessed with computer games from very early on. Can’t bear lots of noise, not spontaneous, prone to catastrophising, very nervous about travelling, holidays, going to new places. Finds social situations draining, can only manage a few hours with friends before wanting to come home. Though when she was littler, this wasn’t the case. Does this fit an autism profile?

She sounds extremely similar to my daughter- we are awaiting a formal diagnosis but we and the school are treating her with the assumption that she is on the spectrum. We try not to make a big deal of it but accommodations are made at home and school that help her cope and he anxiety has reduced in general. If she is out of her comfort zone it's much, much more obvious.

Her best friend at the moment is NB (they are 10!), and I am keeping an eye on things. We have already discussed sex and gender, and I took care to be factual and keep it light- but she knows and understands my GC views.

If someone started talking to her about furries I would kick off- I'd be talking to the school and the parents.

What thoughts and feelings has she had that a girl cannot have?

What interests and preferences does she have that a girl cannot have?

That's what I'd be asking her to think about. Nothing you've said about her is unlike a girl. Talk about stereotypes. Show her women who don't conform.

Thank you all. This has given me food for thought. I have often wondered about autism over the years but she never had trouble with eye contact, is very cuddly and likes physical contact (still holds my hand out and about) and I thought those things made autism unlikely. But perhaps not. We clearly have a long road to unpicking all of this. We were complacent. School love her, he teachers love her, her friends parents love her. She’s so hyper-compliant. Just never ever gets into trouble. Ever. Same at primary school. They loved her. She just was never any trouble.
Her friend gave her some clothes yesterday that she had grown out of. All girls’ clothes. My DD seemed really happy about it. Wore one item (a coat with a fur hood) all night. I didn’t say anything but was so confused as I would have expected if she felt like a boy she wouldn’t want to wear girl’s clothes.
She seems so mixed up. And worried. And scared all the time. I think I need to push the GP appointment even if she doesn’t want to go. My sister ended up leaving school during her exams as her mental health had completely collapsed (anorexia), I fear a similar road for my DD.

I have a friend who went through something very similar with her daughter. She was then diagnosed with autism. I was talking to my friend about it who is a child psychiatrist and she told me it's very common for autistic children to believe that they are trans because they feel so.out of place in the world and they put it down to being " the wrong sex". Have you ever looked at the possibility of asd?

She sounds so much like my daughter who is in year 8. She's autistic and hated the changes in her body as her periods started, but it has got better.
It's totally normal to be uncomfortable with your body at this age, it doesn't mean you are trans.
Sounds like you are supporting her well but I agree that she needs to get away from the inappropriate stuff on the internet and from these people telling her she is a furry

Op your daughter does sound autistic. I'd recommend you join some Facebook groups for parents of autistic girls and also post on the neurodiverse board here.

Help her to just feel like 'herself' OP, there really is very little truth to feeling like a girl or a boy, especially linked to clothing choice!
Find a way through together to help tackle the anxiety so she can grow up into the amazing adult she sounds like she has the potential to be.

Sorry you and your DD are dealing with this, OP. You might be interested in a read of the below essay. It's by a young woman who transitioned and detransitioned. It's an eye opener because it shows how little it has to do with wanting to wear boy's clothes (as per your last post). The social media trans influence came first (hey, you're lonely and awkward? Join our gang!), and the short hair and boy's clothes followed as an attempt to fit the new identity. I've seen this pattern in real life too. Parents utterly blindsided because their internet-obsessed daughter had never been remotely a tomboy. Be very, very wary of social media. And good luck, hope it all blows over

lacroicsz.substack.com/p/by-any-other-name?utm_campaign=post&utm_source=url