Is my daughter trans?

[IdentifyasTired]

My lovely 12 year old DD started secondary school last September.
She’s a very clever, academic but socially awkward and highly anxious person. She has always had female friends, girls who were her BFFs in primary school. She loved unicorns, My Little Pony and never had a problem with wearing dresses or skirts.
Last week after looking at her phone i discovered a message she sent to one of her female friends.
The message read:
What do you think of trans people?
Friend replied: I don’t mind. Everyone should just be themselves.
My DD: ‘oh well in that case I’m kinda trans lmao’

I asked her about it. She got very uncomfortable and very upset. I have since found out that her closest male friend has been encouraging her to download discord and telling her she’s a furry?! Part of the furry fandom? She said there’s a lot of LGBT in furry.

But when I spoke to her, it emerged:
She wants to be a boy but thinks she’s probably a girl.
She feels wrong.
She hates her body.
She hates having periods.
She feels constantly uncomfortable in herself.
She doesn’t want to grow up.
She doesn’t want her breasts to get bigger.
She doesn’t want men or boys to look at her sexually. She doesn’t know if she’s attracted to boys or girls.
Being a boy feels ‘safer’.
She wants to cut her hair and wear trousers for school.
She wants to use a boys name.
She doesn’t want to see a doctor or a therapist about any of this. Nor does she want the rest of the family or teachers at school to know.
She said she felt sure she was trans until I spoke to her and now she’s not so sure.

Her anxiety is through the roof at the moment.

I’m so worried and scared for her. And so confused. So is she.

Does it seem likely this is gender dysphoria? Or is something else going on?
Any advice, any help and I’d be so so grateful.

At this age hopefully just a phase she will get through. Very common with all the hormones and changes going on. Is she otherwise happy and stable?

The trans thing seems like an automatic escape route these days. Thank goodness she's talking to you. Maybe give her some time to work things out before making any long term decisions on her identity.

To me it just sounds like she’s getting used to her body and feelings changing. I think just wait and see and support her for the time being.

The thing jumping out is that she needs help with her anxiety.

She sounds exactly like me at that age. I was diagnosed with autism in my 40s. Read up on autism in girls - the symptoms are very different from how autism presents in boys.

Gender is the expectations of what society thinks we ought to be like based on whether we are a man or a woman. Sex is the biological reality of being a man or a woman. Nothing can affect the physical reality that your daughter is female but it is totally fine for her to reject everything about rhe gender expectations of society for what that means for her tastes, clothing, interests, hair etc. That doesn't need to be medicalised or labeled as "trans" anything, because the expectations of gender all just boil down to sexism anyway. She can just be herself.

I’d say she’s spending too much time on Instagram and being brainwashed. I would switch off the Wi-Fi, get her outside for some brisk activities, get her into cooking/drama/sport, whatever. Discourage endless navel gazing, be brisk about negative comments about her body, distract. Read Irreversible Damage by Abigail Shrier.
But get her off the Internet, pronto.

She's not trans
She's a girl who is nervous about growing up and being sexualised and has been exposed to some inappropriate stuff on the internet. Manage her internet use properly and focus on helping her develop good self esteem.

She feels wrong.
She hates her body.
She hates having periods.
She feels constantly uncomfortable in herself.
She doesn’t want to grow up.
She doesn’t want her breasts to get bigger.
She doesn’t want men or boys to look at her sexually. She doesn’t know if she’s attracted to boys or girls.
Being a boy feels ‘safer’

These all sound like the things that almost every girl of her age go through. It’s called puberty, and coming to terms with being seen as a sexual being now by the males around her.
She isn’t trans, she’s being influenced by her so called friend, and social media. Your job is to ensure she knows that she cannot change sex, but she can present to the world in any way she likes - so she can cut her hair and wear trousers to school but that doesn’t make a girl turn into a boy.

She doesn’t want men or boys to look at her sexually. She doesn’t know if she’s attracted to boys or girls. Being a boy feels ‘safer’
I see this so much atm. Being a boy seems safer. Girls struggling with puberty and wanting to be invincible. You need to reassure her this passes. Puberty can be hard now, but it passes. Do things with her to raise her confidence, what activities / pastimes does she love? Focus on those. Remove the screens for random browsing down rabbit holes. They are toxic.

I meant invisible

These girls want to be invisible.

I went through EXACTLY the same thing a few years ago, even down to the unicorns. Crazy.

My daughter is now 13 and says she is bi but has quit all the trans stuff.

I believe she was just a tomboy uncomfortable with her emerging body and being trans was a good way to avoid dealing with that.

It's very sad that a lot of girls feel this way and are swept away in the whole movement without the real issilues being touched on.

It's hard being a girl. It's hard being sexualised. Growing breasts. A hell of a lot of young girls (and lesbian girls) see trans as an easier path than dealing with the pressures of being a teen girl.

Luckily my DD realised this and is now much more comfortable in her body.

Please look on a site that's not Mumsnet to support your child. There is some great advice out there. The advise you get here will damage your child and inevitably ruin your relationship with them. Try harder than reaching out to Mumsnet, for your child's sake.

I’m actually crying I’m so relieved at your responses. I know that might make me seem like awful but I’m terrified of the prospect of hormone treatments and surgeries on my precious girl.

She is not a happy go lucky child. Never was. Her anxiety is very bad at the moment and we are doing everything you guys have already suggested. Her internet time is under supervision only (the stuff she was looking at on discord seemed horrendous) and we’re prioritising other activities especially sports.
She is fearful of everything. Everything. She can’t bear to hear about Russia/Ukraine as she finds it terrifying. She went to a friends house yesterday afternoon and was a nervous wreck before hand. Day before we went to the cinema and she told me she knew something terrible would happen. It didn’t. She’s scared of her own shadow. I made an appt at the GP to discuss it but she doesn’t want to go.
She’s chronically anxious. I’ve bought books, rescue remedy stuff, oils, I’ve got her on vitamin supplements, literally anything I can think of to help her.
This trans stuff came out of the blue but I have sometimes wondered about autism. She was bullied in primary school. She’s always been socially awkward.

OP this sounds exactly like how i felt as a teenager. I even said "I want to be a boy" on occasion - because i hated puberty / body changes!
Im so glad when i was a teen trans wasn't pushed / the internet just had dancing hamsters on it. I was bullied horrendously for not being a stereotypical girl & "being like a boy". I am not trans & came to terms with how my body changed after a couple of years.
Still hate periods though!

Yes, she said just that. She wants to hide.

Handscreen where should I look?

@HandScreen

Please look on a site that's not Mumsnet to support your child. There is some great advice out there. The advise you get here will damage your child and inevitably ruin your relationship with them. Try harder than reaching out to Mumsnet, for your child's sake.

In what way will the advice given so far “damage” her child?

Please can you provide examples?

Poor thing. She’s navigating puberty and struggling to get comfortable with her changing body.

Short answer- no she’s probably not trans. She just sounds uncomfortable with what she thinks is expected of her and her changing body. She is living in a hyper sexualised society. No wonder she’s anxious. Is she supposed to look sexy, want sex? This boy discussing kink will be heightening her anxiety too.

What to do…
Firstly what not to do - do not give your DD a label. It won’t help. It will entrench her natural normal teenage worries into a fixed mindset.

1. help her pace herself- she’s still a child. She’s 12. Yes, there are some 12 year olds who rush to embrace adulthood. But it is okay and developmentally normal for others to still sometimes want to play with dolls and like fairy tales. Even for teenagers.

1. Reassure her that there are lots of ways to be a woman. Introduce her to different role models who are famous for what they do and not for what they look like or who they sleep with. Perhaps seek out women role models who don’t look or behave traditionally feminine eg weightlifting champions, explorers, para-athletes, professors, inventors

1. Be aware that some schools encourage children to choose a gender. And this may be a source of her distress.

1. I’d also be looking at her social media and her friendship group, and seeing where she can be steered in a more healthy direction.

1. And as pp said. Prioritise supporting her with her anxiety.

Good luck.

@IdentifyasTired I think Handscreen probably thinks that Mumsnet is full of transphobes. In reality most people here are not. The advice you’ve received is lovely.

My daughter is in a similar place and I have been trying to talk about this in terms of body dysphoria rather than gender dysphoria. I'm really worried she may get stuck on the idea of 'changing sex' instead of learning to inhabit the body she has. It's such a dead end. All the best to you, it's difficult.

I'm sorry she's feeling so anxious, they've had an awful time. Apart from the level of anxiety, I think her feelings are normal. It's hard going through puberty and under the male gaze. It's not normal being bombarded by all the talk about being trans. Put a stop to that influence. We are our bodies, we cannot be born in the wrong body, we cannot change sex. She needs some strong female role models. If that was my child I'd be getting them back out there in the world with me to show them how life is OK and there is nothing to be scared of. I'd take her to bowling, cafes, shopping, walks in the countryside, trips away. Get her reconnected to the world after covid.

All your messages are so lovely and supportive. Thank you so much for being so kind.
Our family does have a pretty shocking mental health history on both sides.
Major Depression
Anxiety disorder
Anorexia
Religious mania

And my DH is on the spectrum.

@HandScreen

Please look on a site that's not Mumsnet to support your child. There is some great advice out there. The advise you get here will damage your child and inevitably ruin your relationship with them. Try harder than reaching out to Mumsnet, for your child's sake.

Please point out the damaging advice?

Her dad is on the AS spectrum - is there any chance she is?

I’ve read about autism in girls but can’t see a huge similarity. But then it’s hard to know where to find reputable info.
Does anyone have any links to something concrete and reliable? TIA

It's tempting to try lots of "interventions" and some of these things might work, good diet, sleep, exercise etc. but the most important thing is to be a calm presence without jumping to different solutions to help her to emotionally regulate. My DD was very anxious about the same age, though no gender stuff, and she said the most useful thing was me just spending time with her and helping her to interpret what was going on in her body and brain.

Also a word of warning about "furries" - this is an adult fetish and completely inappropriate for children to be involved with.