DS is transgender (ftm)16 and happy

[crazyhat]

He is ftm (female to male) and 16, he has been on Testosterone for 7 months and is getting top surgery (breast removal) at 17, over summer. I want to help people understand transgenderism, as I see a lot of casual transphobia on here. Feel free to ask any questions about transitioning, anything is okay to ask, I just want you to understand.

If you have a DC in a similar situation I can help.

And the OP has disappeared since she slipped up and showed us that her parenting is rooted in sexist stereotypes

My heart breaks for her confused daughter. And to put the responsibility on a child. There’s a reason we don’t let people do things like get a tattoo or buy cigarettes before they are 18, and brains aren’t fully developed until early 20s.

This child is giving up fertility, orgasms, chopping off healthy body parts and dramatically reducing their chances of finding a partner, just because she didn’t do “girlie things” as expected.

It’s sad if she has disappeared rather than engage. The surgery hasn’t happened yet and could be stopped.

“ just because she didn’t do “girlie things” as expected”

That’s not how I interpreted the OP at all. I hope they come back and answer my query. Curious that they don’t “agree” with non binary.

All those suggesting the child should have had therapy, can you please tell me where these therapists are who will help a child work out that they're not trans? Because I have a daughter who identifies as a boy and I cannot find any such therapist. They are all bound by their Codes of Practice to accept what the client is telling them about their gender. I know it's nonsense, and that if they were anorexic they would be helped to come to terms with their body dysmorphia, but it just doesn't seem to work like that with trans issues.

Again, if anyone knows of UK gender critical therapists that can really help these kids instead of affirming them, please do let me know!

WhisperingJesse - no idea but I'd like to find one for my son too.

Can a child really get life changing surgery like this at 17? In the UK? I'm 29, 2 kids and when I mentioned sterilisation to my gp i was told i was too young to make the decision.....but i could choose to get my breasts chopped off?? When I was 16 I decided to get a side fringe and get my hair dyed red and black stripes.... glad that decision wasn't for life.

I genuinely do not see posts here as hatred or transphobia.

OP, if someone you loved had BID and believed that the only way they could be happy was to have a limb amputated or to be made blind, would you support medical intervention to achieve this?

If someone you loved who was anorexic and believed their emaciated body was overweight, would you agree and support them restricting their food intake or increase exercise? Because losing weight made them feel happy?

I'm pretty sure I'd want intensive therapeutic intervention to try and help my loved one feel happy with the healthy body they were born with.

1)I did not "disappear" it's the evening and I like to spend time with my DF away from my phone.
2)I was not saying that he's male because he doesn't like girly things, that was just a sign during childhood. Since puberty, he has felt very uncomfortable with his body, more than uncomfortable. It's not the sort of thing where you can tell someone that they're perfect the way they are, because he doesn't feel his body's perfect because he knows he should be male. It's nothing to do with dysmorphia, it's gender dysphoria.

WhisperingJesse 8starfishsunrise* it is frightening that not only are mental health services so limited in number, they even more limited in action

Also just as a reminder, there are many people who transitioned (or would have) transitioned at a younger age and don't regret it, the media pushes the few stories of detransitioners and suggests that it is the majority. He has had standard counciling in 2016 and then more recently he had specific gender counciling to be sure of the decisions he was making.

Op your child is too young for this.

My child is not too young for this, emotionally, physically or legally. He is however, too young to feel the depression he used to feel before transitioning.

I mentioned earlier why i never talk about my trans DC on Mumsnet. Someone immediately told me I should and that people would be supportive.

@JulietakaIris

I don't think you'd get a negative response though. There's no hate or transphobic on spite of popular opinion. I think you'd get some real help and comfort if you felt able to talk about it here

Thank you. I'm glad I didn't post though. Somewhere along the line parents have been called child abusers

When I read these things my heart fucking aches. A real physical pain. Do posters realise how heartbreaking the conflict is? Some people seem to be suggesting you can simply say to a 16yo 'yeah sorry but no, you can't be that' and they just crack on with their day as before.

It's devastating. The reality of this is that my child is trans. I can't 'un-trans' them. It doesn't matter what people say, I have literally no choice but to support my child, because they are my child and I fucking love them.

Please be careful when throwing accusations of child abuse about. My kids are the most precious things in the entire world to me. I am broken hearted enough without this kind of comment.

I would do anything for things to be different. But there is literally not a thing I can do. Nothing.

And to the poster who asked OP if she had told her DC they were 'perfect as they are' do you really suppose parents don't? I have spent 16 years telling my child I love them, every single day/. I have told them how wonderfully perfect that are, how beautiful, how funny; how clever. Every. Single. Day. Oddly enough it didn't stop them coming to me and telling me they were trans. Funny that. It's almost as if I have no control over this

the media pushes the few stories of detransitioners and suggests that it is the majority

That is your opinion. My reading and viewing of "the media" especially mainstream BBC, gives me the opposite opinion.

mobile.twitter.com/sathananas/status/1188877443190403073

He has started talking testosterone before 18 and will also have surgery. The only way that can happen is with you. You have to take a large portion of the responsibility here.

I wonder what it was that stopped you from letting your child make this very big decision once they were an adult.

The age for giving medical consent in the UK is 16. It's not for a parent to give or withold consent for a 16 year old. Any treatment is between the patient and the Dr. The op has no more right to consent or refuse medical treatment for their child than your parents could for you right now.

he doesn't feel his body's perfect because he knows he should be male

Your child knows nothing of the sort.

Your job as a parent is to guide your child through the difficult years when their hormones are making them think all sorts of wrong things about their body. Not to tell them it’s good they want to have healthy body parts chopped off and become infertile.

Christ on a bike - I don’t know a single girl who didn’t hate and feel uncomfortable in her body during puberty, and many adult women who still do.

That isn’t proof that they’re “born in the wrong body”, which is impossible

runawaywithusthissummer
I'm sorry you don't feel that MN would be a supportive place to post because of the strength of feeling and posts suggesting parents are abusing their child etc.

I have found it an incredibly helpful forum, not because of direct support, but because in the past I felt like I was going mad in a woke world that was threatening my precious DD.

I didn't post, I read. And felt empowered and reassured that I was not evil or unloving.

Stop assuming my DS is still going through female puberty, he started at about 10, so he had about 6 and a half years after female puberty started, and at least 4 since the main affects were over. He knew it was wrong, I can't explain how he knows or how I know. But what I do know is he is indescribably happy since his voice dropped and since he has become more masculine physically.
Before, if someone asked what he wanted to do in the future he wouldn't really say anything, because the dark truth is he wanted to die.
Now when we discuss the future, he knows what sort of things he wants to do and he's excited for life. Seeing that sort of happiness in your DC is amazing. I wish you could see it too.

*Now when we discuss the future, he knows what sort of things he wants to do and he's excited for life.8

What sort of things is your child looking forward to that were not possible before?

OP, you raise an important distinction between body dysmorphia and dysphoria.

Dysmorphia is not seeing what your body is really like - an anorexic seeing their body as fat. No matter how much weight they lose they will never be satisfied.

Dysphoria is seeing what your body is really like, and it being distressing to you.

For someone suffering severely with dysphoria, I can understand why medical & surgical alteration of their body could bring relief. However, I still don’t believe that means that they have an ‘inner essence’ of the opposite sex. Not being a religious person, I don’t believe in souls - we are our bodies and our experiences.

My question is - what are your & your son’s beliefs around what makes us us, what makes us male or female? Our bodies and experiences, socialisation, a soul?

He did not want to speak because he knew his voice sounded like a girl. And although physically he's not really stopped by being female, it's just that he didn't want to imagine a future as a girl, he genuinely couldn't see that future.