I can't cope with the idea my son is transgender

[starfishsunrise]

I posted about this at New Year. Since then my 16 year old son has been quiet about it. I’m not sure if it’s the elephant in the room for him but it can be for me. I have occasionally broached the subject gently but he never wants to speak about it.
Surely if the urge to be something else was enough you wanted to change he’d have mentioned it?

He has 6th form coming up in September. He was is planning to go to all all male 6th form. He needs business wear. I left a catalogue in his room so he could look at some suits.
I found the catalogue on his desk with rings around what he wants. He wants dresses and to go an all girls 6th form with a new name, where they don’t offer his A levels so he’d compromise on subjects.
I feel sick.
I love him, I really do. But this isn’t right. There is no clue he is in unhappy. He has grown his hair but he still wears jeans and t shirts, he has a deep voice and shows no signs of being anything other than a grumpy teenager.
I suggested he start slowly and just dress in a more feminine way, start with flowery shirts, or pink shorts and t shirts. Anything! Build up. Maybe try something at home in front of us but not catch a bus into town from day one!
Of course I don’t want it to happen at all.

I still don’t believe him.
He is strong minded and stubborn. He fails to see its ludicrous. Words have failed me. I want to rationalise it all. If I had any clue before on how he felt I would deal with it better. Surely trans doesn’t just turn on?

Perfectly - it's good to hear your DS is coping through what sounds a difficult time.

Surely the aim of any treatment is to do the minimum intervention for optimal relief of symptoms.

But what young people are hearing is that denial of hormones is a path to despair. Surely what we should be doing first is helping people to cope with any incongruence and develop resilience as the best option?

And OP - that was good advice about talking to the GP and getting help for yourself.

I agree with that Starkstaring. DS is just an amazingly laid back person, I find it ironic that he wears a badge saying "Now panic and freak out", because he never does! I don't know how to help other people through this, because DS found his own way. I know he has many many online transgender friends, for 2 reasons, although we live in London, he can't walk very far, and he's an introvert, so finds being in company exhausting.

Perfectly - my point was more that the OP's child can be a 'girl' in this 6th form, it's not single sex, it's mixed, but in practice, it's still majority male and the 6th form at the girls school is also majority female (which kind of makes sense, why would you move your DC if they were happy up to year 11 for years 12 & 13, so most will stay were they are). But that's not enough for the OP's DC, they also want to move to a majority female environment and don't want to be in a school where girls are a tiny minority (and potentially depending on which subjects the new girls joining for 6th form study, the OP's DC might well be in entirely male classes).

If the OP's DC doesn't feel happy/comfortable/able to be themselves in a majority male environment, then a very male dominated career path might not be setting them up for a lifetime of happiness, regardless of how they eventually decide to identify.

Hmm that's a good point Coffee. starfish, has he even considered that engineering is very male dominated?

Hi, thanks to all those chipping in with opinions.

Coffee you have helped.
Perfectly- I mentioned this a while back. His answer was something like ‘So?’ ( implying It would be other people’s problem). Which I think is admirable but naive.

Even the girls name he mentioned he would change to ( months ago, so it may not be the same now) is non standard and will make him stand out even more. I actually didn’t mention this.

I broached looking for some clothes for around the house earlier but was brushed off.

I’m going to try to wait for his next move.

all those giving OP a hard time need to reflect on what a pp said, thay when a child comes out as gay they are celebrating who they really are, whereas a child who says they are trans is saying 'there's something wrong with me, I have the wrong body' and may be hankering after a lifetime of powerful drugs and surgery to endorse that idea. No wonder the woman who created that perfect little baby boy resists the idea there is something wrong with him.
My feeling would be to try and remove sticking points in his life, avoid confrontation, let him see that gender presentation is arbitrary, whereas sex is not. If the 6th form at the girsl school is mixed, let him go there, let him wear 'feminine' clothing of his choice, maybe feminise his name....but nothing irrevocable, so there is always a way back. I agree that being at a boys' school may have given him very rigid ideas about being a boy/man- let him meet men and boys who don't conform.
Somewhere (ask on FWR board) there is a blog by a woman whose daughter eventually de transitioned, you might find that helpful
Good luck to you both

Maybe that's why I didn't have a problem with it, my little baby boy never was perfect, once I accepted I was probably going to outlive him, nothing else, except the cancer last year, was important. And it's not that he's not your perfect little baby boy, you just might (or might not) have to swap "boy" for "girl".

He needs to grow up a bit and think more about the reality of being surrounded by men if he wants to go into engineering. I think 16's too young to be thinking about this.

perfectly

I appreciate what you are saying, but all our babies are perfect...thats a fact

I don't know, I'm self-psychoanalysing.

newtlover
Why do you think that being trans is someone saying there's something wrong with them? This is what used to be said about gay people... its your interpretation of being trans - there is now a whole spectrum of sexualities & trans is one of them. I don't think someone who is trans is necessarily saying there is something wrong with them at all. They are simply saying they are transgender- that they want to live as the opposite gender.
This is what is happening in our culture, in others like India, this has been going on for a very long time, just because its new here does not mean its wrong or that young or older people are expressing something wrong with them.
This is all about parental or in fact wider culture interpretation. Gender can be fluid, this is the message I'm getting, not that there's something wrong!

Honestly at sixteen he is too young to make such a final decision.

I would support his choices, and be there for him, but would ask that he waits until he is at least eighteen preferably twenty one before making permanent changes to himself, identity and names etc. He will have time to process and consider his options, and time to try out different things in privacy and in his own space.

It must be hard when you have given birth to the most precious baby to see them try to change everything about them, I understand this, but it is his body and his life, whatever he becomes in the future he/she is still your child, and always will be.

Be calm about this, be considerate and don't rush to any conclusion. Stand back allow him to explore his identity and make his own choice as an adult.

Indian transgenderism cannot be compared to the transgenderism here. In India the majority are intersex or have been castrated against their will (they don't have health and safety there so lots of opportunities for birth defects e.g. contanimated water etc).

flashnazia
Transgenderism has always been part of Indian culture and is shown in the mythology of Hindu culture and trans people were highly thought of at one time in India.. the prejudice there now is due in part to western attitudes towards gender and identity.

This idea that giving birth to a perfect child and finding it hard when they want to change everything around them, this is called growing up, young people have to become themselves. Honestly, I speak from experience, my son was born a girl, no I didn't think 'oh my god what will I do??' when he wanted to live as a man, its completely his choice, we as a family supported him throughout. And he is still perfect, he is still who I gave birth to, still the same beautiful person. Please do not judge all parents as people who resist this change.

And someone who is 16 would not be able to go through a full transition, this would be a huge waiting list (unless your DS is well off and can afford private treatment!). Even taking hormones you would need a full assessment, they don't hand them out like sweeties.

Why doesn't OP talk to her DS about this? I do find this aspect of the post a bit sad, that there is no communication about something her DS might well be struggling with. If OP can't do this for whatever reason, I would say make sure he has someone he can talk to.

Chicolate50 - why is it then that people whose gender identity differs from the stereotypical identity of their biological sex are the ones who have surgery and artificial hormones? What we should be doing is dismantling the stereotypes so that they can live comfortably as themselves without medical intervention. Why should they have to change when we should be celebrating them as they are. That's what I can't understand.

Starkstaring
I think because its about the person living comfortably, and celebrating themselves as who they feel they are. There is a place for the argument you give, but I think what is happening is that people are not expressing themselves as gender neutral - which would be the result of removing stereotypes (if I have understood you correctly) - they want to be the other gender, so gender neutral will not work for these people.
Its less about us celebrating them and more about them celebrating themselves in whatever way.
With the medical intervention - I'm not sure if its actually considered as this in these circumstances - it might be argued that it is essential to someone in this position. But really medical intervention is used daily even in young people - the birth control pill, anti depressants, anti anxiety drugs, at an alarming rate - and in adults so I don't know if its really new.
I think with surgery, as Ive said, its a huge step and there are many steps to take prior to this, if someone feels that this is essential - my DS didn't have surgery and doesn't feel the need although in every other respect lives as a man with the aid of hormones. So I guess its down to the individual.

What I'm trying to say is that if your DC feels that they want to live as the opposite sex, it is really important to hear that and love them whatever gender they are - they are still them

Chocolate thanks for that feedback. This is all pretty scary for most of us.

It is the long term, irreversible effects of hormones that scares me - especially when taken by someone whose brain has yet to develop fully.

And yes you are right that we need to love our kids unconditionally, whatever their perceived gender.

I think that transgender people say there is something wrong with them because they say things like 'I was born in the wrong body'- and then try to modify the (usually) healthy body they have. They have conflated gender with sex. They are unhappy with their ascribed gender role (perfectly understandable) but mistakenly link that role with their sex. Hence they want to try and change sex (which is impossible- but they try and acheive the appearance of a different sex by hormones or other damaging procedures).
I think draging the hijra into it is just cultural appropriation, we cannot understand their experiences in our terms. I heard a documentary about them once, and they are not under the illusion that they are 'really women' as trans activists here claim.
Nor is transgender analagous to homosexuality, that's just a clever stunt the activists pulled to guilt trip us. Sexuality is about what kind of bodies you find attractive, not whether or not you feel comfortable in the roles ascribed to you because of your sex. Hence, gay men may or may not conform to 'male' roles, likewise lesbians may be very feminine or not. Gay men and lesbians just want to get on with their lives and thankfully now have legal protection. They aren't asking us all to believe the impossible.
Sorry this doesn't help OP much. If it was me I would be repeatedly deriding gender stereotyping and exposing him to people who don't conform to gender roles.