I can't cope with the idea my son is transgender

[starfishsunrise]

I posted about this at New Year. Since then my 16 year old son has been quiet about it. I’m not sure if it’s the elephant in the room for him but it can be for me. I have occasionally broached the subject gently but he never wants to speak about it.
Surely if the urge to be something else was enough you wanted to change he’d have mentioned it?

He has 6th form coming up in September. He was is planning to go to all all male 6th form. He needs business wear. I left a catalogue in his room so he could look at some suits.
I found the catalogue on his desk with rings around what he wants. He wants dresses and to go an all girls 6th form with a new name, where they don’t offer his A levels so he’d compromise on subjects.
I feel sick.
I love him, I really do. But this isn’t right. There is no clue he is in unhappy. He has grown his hair but he still wears jeans and t shirts, he has a deep voice and shows no signs of being anything other than a grumpy teenager.
I suggested he start slowly and just dress in a more feminine way, start with flowery shirts, or pink shorts and t shirts. Anything! Build up. Maybe try something at home in front of us but not catch a bus into town from day one!
Of course I don’t want it to happen at all.

I still don’t believe him.
He is strong minded and stubborn. He fails to see its ludicrous. Words have failed me. I want to rationalise it all. If I had any clue before on how he felt I would deal with it better. Surely trans doesn’t just turn on?

I'd recommend therapy that isn't trans-specific as a starting point.

When I first started talking about wanting a sex change, I was sent (by the school) to see a general counselor. I latter had general group therapy. It was only after several years (mostly due to my age) that I was in specifically LGBTQ+ therapy.

The thing is, if he is dysphoric, a professional will help work whether there are other issues to deal with before any transitioning is considered and if he isn't then dealing with the issues that are causing the discomfort being connected to that will be important. The issue is, these days, the face to face time for figuring this out tends to be a lot shorter so I would encourage going in for general counseling rather than specifically for this if possible. It might be better in a rural, conservative area, but I think it's really important and sad how cultural and financial issues tend to cut the questioning space short. There are many things that could be causing the pain and a lot of people want a specific label...if that's what your kid wants, then I would if possible see what local therapists and/or therapy groups you have locally and make that a starting point rather than anything to do with clothes.

I'd also be very clear that without talking to someone, there isn't the possibility of transition, particularly medical transition,...and to get into the girls' school, they likely require a professional to sign off on that. I don't think those schools will just take a kid's word on it.

Starfish - you have my every sympathy, welcome to the club of scared parents. It is all very well people telling you to embrace and celebrate your new "daughter" but it is bloody scary. I have a female child who thinks she is male, she has since been diagnosed with autism. I believe her when she says this, but I don't think she has been born in the wrong body, and I don't sleep at night for worrying about her.

It is so different to your child telling you they are gay. They are telling you they are embarking on a lifetime of artificial hormones and surgery, for which there is no clear evidence of effectiveness. And like it or not, there is a massive social justice movement out there which is pretty cult-like at its core. Emotionally vulnerable individuals (for whatever reason) seem to be drawn in.

I second a referral to someone who isn't a gender therapist to help your child figure out what the problem is. I would suggest a clinical psychologist with experience of adolescent mental health.

If they are transgender and that is the best way to live their life, then surely any parent owes it to their child to do their utmost to make sure that the diagnosis is clear, and that this isn't the wrong answer to a different problem.

The adolescent brain doesn't stop developing until 25. There should be no irreversible changes until then. Changes of clothes, names and pronouns are OK in that they are reversible - but not if this makes the path to irreversible changes quicker.

Also - bear in mind that your child's generation are pretty relaxed about pronouns etc. Most of them won't turn a hair.

Just also make sure your child knows that you will love them, and always be there for them even if they make mistakes.

He comes out of his room to eat and is wired to the internet.
It seems to me that addressing this would help (but be painful).
If he's doing his exams it's a good time to limit Wifi use, and have a phone jail.
Does he actually need to use the Internet to revise?
If so then limited access to non-revision sites.

I'd recommend therapy that isn't trans-specific as a starting point.
Absolutely this. If he is struggling with other things these seriously need addressing.

@drspouse - from what the op has said, it's only girls only until year 11, then for years 12 & 13 (old 6th form) it's mixed - but in practice, very few boys go. (DH went to a boy's grammar that similarly let girls in for 6th form, while officially mixed for 6th form, only ever 2-3 go each year, and usually it's because they want to do particular subjects not taught at the school they were in up to that point).

If this is the case, that they allow boys in for 6th form, and girls can go to his 6th form, start again, if he goes to the "girls" school, he goes as a boy, and he accepts doing different A levels. Would he be prepared to start A Levels of his choice at his current school, see if girls joining for 6th form changes the culture a little, and if he still feels uncomfortable, you'll look at moving him.

Another thought, are the subjects he would do at the girls school less academic/tricky? Is the possibly fear that he won't get the GCSE grades to do the planned subjects to A level, so is looking for an excuse to go for easier subjects?

Thanks @CoffeeOrSleep. The girls school performs as well but the are less engineering based which is ultimate aim. His GCSE results should be ok for both schools.

Shutting the internet down is something I consider daily but it’s like putting a genie back in a bottle. He is using it to revise. As are his siblings and me for work. I also want him to feel happy at home so we don’t further complicate things.

He says his friends are supporting him but while he’s dressed in jeans and a t shirt that is way for them to say. He needs to talk to some real life adults

Try the more feminine suit option. If he wants a career in engineering, then perhaps accept that he's goign to be working in a majority male environment as an adult, so perhaps question why he wants to move to the girls school when girls will be at his current school in september anyway. (and the girls school is for both sexes in 6th form). Is it about it being easier to create a new persona with fellow students who don't know him already, or is there something about escaping from his current school that appeals?

You could gradually reduce/limit access to all but a few sites, and do the same for other siblings. Internet isn't all or nothing - some people/computers can have access, and some devices can see some sites while others don't. There are lots of options, never fear!

I would put it to him that he should be choosing the 6th form that will give him the best chances of progress in the field in which he/she wishes to go to Uni/work. Which would be the male 6th form school. And point out that 2 years of A levels in the overall scheme of things is nothing compared to the rest of his life, and that you wish him to have the very best chances of succeeding because not only will the girls school A level subject options give him less choice of progress in his field, ultimately he will find girls/women in STEM subjects can find it hard going to get into the courses/jobs they wish. I'd point out it is not the gender but the subjects at A level he should be thinking of when chosing his 6th form

Less is more here. Ignore the elephant and stick to the subject - what clothes am I to buy you, what have you done about 6th form choice, come spend some time with me. If any of these issues need more discussion let him come to you. Listen, don't question. And get dp to spend time with him too. Avoid argumentation or directly disagreeing. Make your relationship about him, not about this choice.

I really appreciate all your thoughts on this. Whether people have agreed or disagreed with my views. I have no RL support so MN to the rescue as usual.

Being jealous of the opposite gender does not make you that gender or mean it’s possible for you to become that gender. Lots of women are jealous of how males are treated in the workplace, get paid more, etc. It doesn’t mean they are able to become men.
Being jealsous of some things women can do/can do more easily are valid thoughts, so maybe support/acknowledge how he feels, discuss the ways you feel jealous of men.

Can you not buy him dresses, etc. There is no reason a male cant wear dresses. So if that’s what he wants to wear, let him, it won’t make him a woman though.

Gay I could handle I think this comment is quite telling. There is nothing to ‘handle’ about a child who is gay. Do you think he may be worried about your reaction/you being disappointed if he’s gay?

As pp have said, you can’t be ‘a bit autistic’. If you think he may be autistic though, I would get him assessed. It may help him feel more comfortable in himself, help him understand why he feels he doesn’t fit in, etc. A diagnosis can help reduce anxiety/depression as an adult. It would also help with support in 6th form (he may struggle more as the structure of School disappears). Support at uni and in the workplace can also make a massive difference.

Longtalljosie said it so much better:
*I think there are two discrete issues here.

One - whether or not he’s transgender. Two - getting the right A Levels.

In your shoes I would tell him I absolutely accept his right to adopt a new gender. But that his A levels are the thing that will determine his whole future and that while it’s shit the girls school doesn’t do the right A Levels, we are where we are and you strongly advise he hold off for two more years and go to university in his new identity, with the right A Levels, and make a new start among new people.*

IMO too it really is all about getting the right A levels to get him through to the right Uni to get the right job, whatever gender he is.

Kardashian - as I said earlier I don’t mean to cause any offence by using words like ‘label’ etc. It’s hard to get everything across in writing and no one can be expected to pick up the subtleties of my approach.

I don’t think he particularly cares how I react. To a degree he will do what he wants whether the rest of us like it or not. I don’t think he has the life experience to know that the world isn’t all accepting.
Which is where my ‘ gay I can handle’ expression came from
There will always be people who dislike others for a stupid reason, too fat, too thin, wears glasses., wrong colour skin or religion. Previously gay people faced less social acceptance than they do now.
I like to think my division of people is are they nice or not. If they are nice then I like them. I hopefully don’t judge people on hair colour, skin, ethnicity, sexually etc. I’m sure I have unconscious prejudices but I try not to.
If someone is a nice person I would not judge them on being transgender
I just don’t think my son is as it’s very sudden and since he mentioned it he has not actively done a thing about it. It was my pressing him to get clothes that prompted all this.

I've texted DS1 to ask him what he'd do, no reply yet, which isn't that surprising.

Do you expect him to dress like Grayson Perry?

If you said you ‘could handle’ it if your DS married someone who is black, would you think this was ok?
Most people would say they have no issues or it wouldn’t bother them if their DC was gay. ‘Can handle’ implies it’s something not ideal but you would manage to cope with it.

I don’t think he particularly cares how I react I would guess this isn’t true, he may not show it but your reaction probably means a great deal to him.

Could you not buy him the dresses and tell him ‘of course men/boys can wear dresses if they want to, anyone can wear anything they want’.

Do you think he’s circled the dresses to get into an argument of sorts with you? So, you’ve told him to choose some nice suits or whatever and he’s being deliberately defiant by saying no, he wants dresses?

If you think there is a possibility he may have ASD, get him assessed. As pp have said, it may be tied in with the transgender thing.

Kardashian It’s just a turn of phrase. What makes you assume I am white? I’m afraid you are reading too much into my choice of words.

Perfectly no, I don’t want him to look like Grayson Perry. But that’s because it’s not an aesthetically pleasing look to me.

I’m happy for people to express themselves. My DH does not look like the average middle aged man.

The bottom line for me is that I’m stunned. Where are the signs?

It doesn't matter what's an aesthetically pleasing look for you, what does matter is what's an aesthetically pleasing look for him. I don't spend every day in dresses and full make up, because it's not practical. When DS1 goes into hospital or is lounging around the house, he wears jeans and t-shirts. If he comes out with us, he glams up.

I have told him outright I don’t think it’s true. I hope it’s a phase etc. I can’t lie. But I repeat how much I love him. And that I want to understand
This is why he isn't chatting to you about how he feels then! Donyoubalways tell people exactly how you feel, even if it completely invalidates everything THEY think on the topic? It doesn't leave much room for him to open up, does it!
I think you should seek some sort of counselor for yourself, separately from him, where you can get all your negative comments said, discuss them with someone impartial, and try to come to terms with his pov enough to be able to support him in finding out who he wants to be.
Make a start by getting what you say to him from now on, he's your child, and vulnerable - some of your personal feelings aren't appropriate to share, and as a parent you need to work them out away from him.

Getting should have been 'vetting'

Do you think he may have "not done a thing about it" because he can tell you're against it?

I hid my sexuality for years. Because I knew it would not be well received. He's probably aware you aren't thrilled and may be anxious to continue his transition.

It’s an odd choice of words though. I don’t understand what there would be ‘to handle’ if he was gay?!
I’m not particularly reading into your words, it just jumped out at me and I was wondering if your DS has maybe ‘read into your choice of words’ about people/him being gay and is speaking about transgender as he doesn’t want to tell you he is gay. Just a possibility, as are lots of suggestions on the thread.
Choice of words can have a big impact on people (as shown by people on the thread being offended by your choice of words in relation to ASD - which I know you have apologised for). Just something to bear in mind though when discussing things with your DS.

If you’re happy for people to express themselves, why not just buy him the dresses. Don’t make it into a bigger deal than it needs to be. If he goes through a phases of wearing dresses, it doesn’t really matter.

Cannock yy.

Honestly, Grems, I'm not sure what he's supposed to have done about it.

I've only just got DS1's taste, he likes flowery hairslides and things. Although he appreciated the skeletal hand hairslides I bought him last Halloween! 😂