I can't cope with the idea my son is transgender

[starfishsunrise]

I posted about this at New Year. Since then my 16 year old son has been quiet about it. I’m not sure if it’s the elephant in the room for him but it can be for me. I have occasionally broached the subject gently but he never wants to speak about it.
Surely if the urge to be something else was enough you wanted to change he’d have mentioned it?

He has 6th form coming up in September. He was is planning to go to all all male 6th form. He needs business wear. I left a catalogue in his room so he could look at some suits.
I found the catalogue on his desk with rings around what he wants. He wants dresses and to go an all girls 6th form with a new name, where they don’t offer his A levels so he’d compromise on subjects.
I feel sick.
I love him, I really do. But this isn’t right. There is no clue he is in unhappy. He has grown his hair but he still wears jeans and t shirts, he has a deep voice and shows no signs of being anything other than a grumpy teenager.
I suggested he start slowly and just dress in a more feminine way, start with flowery shirts, or pink shorts and t shirts. Anything! Build up. Maybe try something at home in front of us but not catch a bus into town from day one!
Of course I don’t want it to happen at all.

I still don’t believe him.
He is strong minded and stubborn. He fails to see its ludicrous. Words have failed me. I want to rationalise it all. If I had any clue before on how he felt I would deal with it better. Surely trans doesn’t just turn on?

We went through a period like this with our DD who said she was trans at exactly this age. She was convinced despite not having any 'signs' beforehand. It went on for about 18 months and then she just stopped talking about it. Now she thinks it was a phase - I think she's embarrassed about it all TBH. Several of her friends declared themselves trans at the same time.

I would move house to an area where your son can go to a mixed college or sixth form. Keep his options open.

The biggest issue for me - apart from not believeing Dsd - was that she would never pass as a man. I could see if she made this choice (And it was a choice) then she was going to have a world of pain ahead of her - but she couldn't see it. I'm so glad we didn't just accept her view of the world and let her run with it. Teenagers have a very loose grasp of how life works!

DS1 definitely didn't change his mind, he's 27. I still use male pronouns and the name we gave him because he's happy with that. The way he puts it is that he feels happier identifying as a "girl" (don't get me started on using "girl" for a 27 year old) in social situations.

I think you leave him to choose his own clothes and hair etc but if you don't have the options of other schools then he will have to go to the boys' one because he is a boy. Also once he's taken this step, assuming the girls' school let him in, then it will really push the issue forward to a point where he'll feel unable to call time on it.

Is there any way you might be able to arrange a mixed sixth form, at all?

Bloody stupid system, though, if you have to opt for a girls' school which offers one lot of subjects and a boys' school with another, and a mixed with very limited options.

My intention is not to offend anyone. Gay, straight, transgender or autistic or any other label.
In text it’s hard to express the nuances. He is rather unemotional. Single minded, stubborn, tends to slightly obsess about one thing, it used to Thomas The Tank Engine! Some sorts of traits I have read about as rather autistic.

If I believed he was transgender I would support him in a different way. I’d like to able for you all to talk to him and see what you think. Obviously I’m far too involved in it all to be objective. His elder brother thinks it’s nonsense. DH ( hippy tendencies, personal freedom etc) says it will pass but he can be what he wants.

I love him and want him to be happy. If that means him dressing up like bloody Batman - fine.
I am sure there are individuals out there who feel they are on the wrong body. But I just doubt my SON is one of them.

Have you considered that he may actually be gay and in denial? In some cultures, it’s more acceptable to be trans than gay, and certainly among present day teens, trans is seen as cool and trendy, whereas boys particularly can be very homophobic.
I ask because you mention you have gays in your family, and there is a statistically higher chance that he may be too.
Please persuade him to see the GP and be referred to a counsellor, to explore his sexuality and feelings. This is doubly important if he is autistic, since autistics can be very rigid and stubborn in their thinking, and if he fixates on the idea he is trans, it may be difficult to get him to consider the alternative explanations for his feelings.

Oh, and surgery and hormones are contraindicated to DS1's illness, so he's stuck in his male body. He takes it, as he takes everything, in his stride.

Terfs it's possible to be autistic and transgender. DS1 very probably has Asperger's, or whatever they call it now.

I think there are two discrete issues here.

One - whether or not he’s transgender. Two - getting the right A Levels.

In your shoes I would tell him I absolutely accept his right to adopt a new gender. But that his A levels are the thing that will determine his whole future and that while it’s shit the girls school doesn’t do the right A Levels, we are where we are and you strongly advise he hold off for two more years and go to university in his new identity, with the right A Levels, and make a new start among new people.

He won't be allowed to go to the girls school surely?

My intention is not to offend anyone. Gay, straight, transgender or autistic or any other label

Autism isn't a label FFS op. Feel sorry for your kid OP, I really do. Let them do what they want and just support them, maybe it is a phase, maybe it's not - but you saying to your kid "oh it's just a phase" is going to stop dead in its tracks any kind of communication you could have had.

This could be completely wrong as obviously I know nothing about you or where you or how you live your life but If you live somewhere where there are so few schools then it sounds quite rural. Could he be sheltered from 'different' people that he feels like as he doesn't feel as if he fits in then he's transgender. It's all,the rage and people,are talking about it so could he have latched on to this as an idea. Is he try to find something to belong to? I feel like I'm explaining it really badly but I know what I mean.

My instinct would be to show him other things so he knows that some people wear a monocle and top hat on the tube.

Def contact transgendertrend OP, I see someone’s already posted the link. They’ll support you. Also try the FWR board on here. Lots of knowledgeable posters on there who will be able to support you, including adult trans posters. Miranda Yardley posts there along with posters called curry and pidgeon off the top of my head. I agree with you the internet is probably involved. What support/other family do you have in RL?

Without wishing to further offend anybody on this thread, I believe that there are links beginning to be made between undiagnosed ASD and trans, though I believe that was more with FtM’s? Again take a look at transgendertrend.

I'd sit him down, explain the girls school is single sex, not gender- so as he's biologically male, regardless of how he identifies, he is unable to go there (you better check they haven't already accepted self identifying transgirls).

So his options are the boys 6th form, or the mixed 6th form, doing a BTEC. Say if there was another mixed option, you'd support that, but he has to work within the options available, not he ones he wants to be available. He's 16, not 6. If it's the boys 6th form, then you can look together at what sort of "uniform" you can sort together he feels comfortable in. Many woman wear trousers suits, and if he would feel more comfortable in something that looks more cut for a woman, then you can explore that as an option.

Say it's only 2 years, and he should see it like a work uniform, what he chooses to wear outside of school is down to him.

I would also see if you can access some counselling.

Doesn't remotely offend me SameTerf. I have constant battles with my DM still about this and I'm 50. I'm undergoing autism assessment right now, and I think genderwise I sit somewhere in the middle. I'm not taking off my beard because I like it.

I also would definitely look for options like living with a relative in the week to attend a mixed 6th form in another town.

If you live somewhere very isolated, he might have had rather a sheltered life, meeting people from different walks of life might help settle him if he doesn't feel he fits in with the boys at his school.

op in your previous post (i just scrolled down the forum, haven't been searching) you said "The 6th form is mixed and non uniform" is there any chance you could clarify?

Iwish - you are right. In all the upset they do allow mixed genders in both the single sex 6th forms, and I had forgotten. There will be some girls about. But perhaps 10 % ? The boys school favours more technical subjects and while the girls School has excellent results for sciences, maths etc. There are some subjects that are only available in one school.

Crikey - yes, rural area and quite conservative. You are right no real exposure to alternatives. Although I think you could class us as a bit of a hippy family.

I wondered about the closet gay aspect too.

Shall I go and stick my head above the parapet on the feminism board?

If he wants to try this out I would like him to find more feminine clothes to try at home, to stay in the boys school but begin to dress differently and then when he leaves for University he can make a new start. He has younger siblings too so it would help them too.

Wait so both 6th forms are mixed- although in practice the school that was boys only is majority male and the girls school is majority female - which assume is mainly because it's just easier to carry on where you are?

In that case you are making the wrong choice. If he'd rather go to the 6th form at the girls school, support that, but tell him he has to go as his name, and not expect to be allowed in female only areas - he will have to use male toilets/changing rooms. I would argue the name thing on the hassle having GCSEs and A Levels in different names. It could be he is rejecting the very masculine culture of his school- being able to redefine what sort of man he will be in a female dominated environment might be the best for him.

It also might be worth discussing what degree and career he wants and how his A Level choices will effect that - remind him that with girls joining his current school for 6th form and some boys leaving, the culture may well change slightly. Could he do the first year and see if the courses he wants to do makes it worth staying put?

Yes, go to the feminist board. They will probably go for encouraging your son to dress/express himself how he likes but accepting he’s still Male, but that’s OK.

They will be very against telling your younger children that their brother has ‘changed sex’.

They will be in favour of whichever 6th form he goes to allowing him to dress how he wants (within uniform restrictions) but that under no circumstances should he be allowed to use ‘girls’ facilities ie toilets/changing.

Good Luck, lots of v knowledgeable posters there who will help

If he'd rather go to the 6th form at the girls school,
But then he won't get to do the A levels he needs.

being able to redefine what sort of man he will be in a female dominated environment might be the best for him.
But if the girls' school is for girls is it right for them?
I definitely wouldn't send my son to an all girls' school even if they made an exception/he decided he "felt" like a girl. The point of a girls' school is it is for biological females.
I am not sure if I'd send him if it was a mainly girls, with a few boys who are there for the specific subjects. Not if it was just a social move - if it was a very targeted A level subject move, that's fair enough.
But your son isn't moving for that reason, he would be better off academically at his current school and, as others have said, if the mix is changing (due to girls moving in to do the right subjects for them), he may well find it suits him more.
And YY to not telling your other DCs that he has/can/will change sex. Nobody can change sex. They can change their gender presentation and that is fine.

That’s right Coffee. I think in practice more girls go to the boys than the other way round.

I can’t see the wood for the trees.
He can do a trial day there soon. One of the phrases he used in his coming out letter was he was jealous of the opposite gender.

Thanks to everyone who took some time to comment so far. I’m going to see how things are on the scary feminist boards next.

I wondered if going to a girls 6 th form as a boy would just be playing into his hands?
There is definitely more of a fashion for girls to pass as boys. And in some ways that is a lot easier. If my son ends up as 6 feet tall like his dad, currently he’s 5feet 6 at 16 years ( same as me). I thought late growth might mean later puberty so his hormones may still be swirling?

You say he can't do the alevels he needs at the other school? Are you sure he is happy with the choice of a levels? GCSE is a very stressful time and he may be unhappy and stressed in lots of ways that probably need untangling. Possibly bullying. Lack of confidence. Possibly just exhausted.

Transgender can mean lots of different things also, so perhaps after the exams you can ask him to explain to you if he still wants the change of school , subjects, and name and why. Wearing women's clothes may have nothing to do with his concept of transgender.

If he is really struggling with his sense of identity, may need help beyond what can be provided online

I have a GP appointment lined up after his exams. But he doesn’t express and desire to talk. Hopefully he will open up to someone neutral.
I am not aware of stress, bullying etc. He comes out of his room to eat and is wired to the internet.