I can't cope with the idea my son is transgender

[starfishsunrise]

I posted about this at New Year. Since then my 16 year old son has been quiet about it. I’m not sure if it’s the elephant in the room for him but it can be for me. I have occasionally broached the subject gently but he never wants to speak about it.
Surely if the urge to be something else was enough you wanted to change he’d have mentioned it?

He has 6th form coming up in September. He was is planning to go to all all male 6th form. He needs business wear. I left a catalogue in his room so he could look at some suits.
I found the catalogue on his desk with rings around what he wants. He wants dresses and to go an all girls 6th form with a new name, where they don’t offer his A levels so he’d compromise on subjects.
I feel sick.
I love him, I really do. But this isn’t right. There is no clue he is in unhappy. He has grown his hair but he still wears jeans and t shirts, he has a deep voice and shows no signs of being anything other than a grumpy teenager.
I suggested he start slowly and just dress in a more feminine way, start with flowery shirts, or pink shorts and t shirts. Anything! Build up. Maybe try something at home in front of us but not catch a bus into town from day one!
Of course I don’t want it to happen at all.

I still don’t believe him.
He is strong minded and stubborn. He fails to see its ludicrous. Words have failed me. I want to rationalise it all. If I had any clue before on how he felt I would deal with it better. Surely trans doesn’t just turn on?

If he wants to try this out I would like him to find more feminine clothes to try at home, to stay in the boys school but begin to dress differently and then when he leaves for University he can make a new start.

Err, what?

If he's 16, he should be dressing himself, surely?

He's your son, OP, not your doll.

Long I did say for him to find clothes. Not for me to hand him stuff I’d chosen from C and A!

I have had a son for 16 years and I think some people are missing the point that I’m bloody shocked! It may not be the politically correct thing but I am not just going think differently.
I don’t know how many people commenting have actually faced this either for themselves or their child.
Being gay is nothing like being transgender. Hormones? Operations? It’s a much bigger issue.

Way to insult the gay people on this thread.

He's still your child, and the same person. I was amazed at how laid back I was when DS emailed me. I mostly feel sorry for him, he has 2 illnesses, had a third for a while, and just in case that wasn't enough to contend with, he's transgender as well.

I just think that whatever your son is going through, your reaction appears, on this thread at least, to be all about you as opposed to how you could better support and understand your son.

One of the great things about having an anonymous forum like this is that it's great for venting when you feel like saying something but know you can't IRL. But from what you've said, it seems that your need to be honest with your son about your own feelings is possibly pushing him away.

I know you want him to choose the feminine clothes himself, but I can't imagine any teenager being told what look to go for by their mum - it just seems so odd to say you want him to look more masculine in one environment and more feminine in another. Why can't he be free to express himself and his style however he wants like other teens?

And I agree with you - no 16 year old should be forced to wear C&A...ever.

Yes, Long It is more about me because the title said I can’t cope. I don’t want to have to think about it because I would rather it was not happening.

It’s not my intention to insult anyone, gay, straight or transgender. And I’m sorry if anyone is reading something into my words that I do not intend. But I think being transgender is more complicated than being gay.

I don’t know anyone transgender in real life. I don’t know any parents who have had this thrown at them. I came to MN to ask opinions. I love my son.

You have every good reason to find this difficult OP. We are living in an environment where it is considered a GOOD THING for young people who don't conform to stereotypes to take artificial hormones and be surgically altered.

It's like eugenics and parents are criticised for being appalled?

Those giving the OP a hard time - we would say "I can handle my teen studying engineering at university but they've decided to do a dance degree and want to become a professional dancer and I know that's a hard road".
That's not prejudiced against people who are dancers, it's just acknowledging that some things are harder in life than others.
It's also not saying that as a parent either one would require different input from them but of course you worry about your child's future.

This isn't like your child deciding they are gay - coming out as gay is about accepting who you are. Coming out as trans is about rejecting who you are - name, body, whole lot - the majority of parents feel their child is pretty fabulous, of course it can be hard to see your child decide they don't want to be this fabulous person.

I have thought more about this, and realised that many of the single sex boys schools round here do seem to have a very "macho" culture, as the girls school 6th form is co-Ed, I would strongly recommend allowing him to go, but as a boy, dressing as feminine as the rules allow, if he's been presented with a very strongly masculine way of being a man or anything slightly feminine being for girls, being a boy in a predominately female and feminine environment might help him find a different way to be a man he's happy with.

As female students are also allowed to join his boys school for 6th form, but he still doesn't feel comfortable being more feminine in this environment, let him move to the girls school 6th form, just as a non-gender conforming boy. As compromises go, it might be the best all round.

(And if he doesn't feel happy in a male dominated environment, a degree then career in engineering might not be for him anyway, so don't get too hung up on pushing him at 16 to make sure his choices can lead to that career.)

What is it that he can’t take st the girls’ school? Provided he can do maths, further maths and physics he should be ok

I would be furious if a boy with long hair was at my dds single sex school proclaiming to be a girl.

It's a mixed 6th form boatass. RTFT.

He shouldn’t be going to an all girls school. He’s a boy.
Get that idea out of his head

^This

See my above post.

I can understand where your concerns are coming from OP. I would be concerned too. I also see what you are trying to say about being able to cope with him being gay, but finding trans difficult. He has a lifetime of surgery, hormones, drugs etc inf ront of him if he is trans and wished to transition. You are worried about his physical and mental health. You have seen no signs previously about any of this, so it is a massive shock. If you had some clue, then I expect that you would not be reacting in this way.

I don't really know what advice to give, but I just wanted to try to tell you that I get it. You have been getting a hard time on the thread.

All together now: "it's only girls school until year 11, years 12 & 13 are mixed officially, however very few boys join for 6th form"

And therefore the op should let him go there if he would be happier. The question of if he should be allowed to change his name and insist on female pronouns before 18 is a trickier one.

Honestly there is nothing worse than your parents says i hope it's a phase when your trans it really fucks them up, if he is still trying to experiment why dont you offer him a makeover buy him one dress and a wig do his makeup and if it's meant to be he will love it! Even if deep down your hope it's not true try to be outwardly supportive

Exactly cheese. Poor kid.

If he spends all his time on the computer and socialising that way the majority of the time, I'd be wondering if the issue is more about loneliness than gender. Maybe he feels like becoming a woman would be a second chance at belonging? There's definitely a type of person in the online trans communities who seem to view transition as the magic solution. Suddenly they'll have friends, be attractive, be a social butterfly if only they can transition. The reality isn't like that.

I think that's why there is suggestions about links between trans and autism. Someone autistic (especially someone undiagnosed) is likely to be lonely or experience social problems and never quite feel they fit in and maybe not quite know why. Then they stumble across the trans stuff and think that might be the magic solution or the reason they don't fit in.

In your situation, I'd be having a closer look at autism/Aspergers and having a look at his friendships to see if maybe his real life relationships could be focused on and less time spent online.

OP if you do suspect ASD take a look at this:

Autism is a spectrum. Also the OP's son may or may not be autistic but may have some autistic features. One of those features is lacking a clear sense of identity which can manifest itself in late teens / early twenties alongside mental health difficulties such as anxiety and depression. Hence a susceptibility to difficulties with gender identity, or this can manifest itself in other ways such as anorexia. That is a million miles from having been born in the wrong body.

Your child is still your child whatever gender they are. Mine could die next week because he's ill. I don't give a flying fuck what gender he is. He's mostly happy, apart from his illnesses. That's enough for me.

I'm sorry it's so hard for you, and I'm trying very hard to understand why.

There are really strong links between gender dysphoria and autism. I'm autistic and also wanted to be a boy in childhood and thought men were much better than women into my 20s. I am not trans. I am also not straight. Took me a long time to figure it out.

Can you find some professional help that is neutral (not trying to push him one way or the other) and allow him to explore all the issues. There are huge waiting lists but the Tavistock is the best place in the country. Via your GP is the first step. Don't send him to an all girls school or make decisions that affects his academic future. That would really be very disruptive for him.