I can't cope with the idea my son is transgender

[starfishsunrise]

I posted about this at New Year. Since then my 16 year old son has been quiet about it. I’m not sure if it’s the elephant in the room for him but it can be for me. I have occasionally broached the subject gently but he never wants to speak about it.
Surely if the urge to be something else was enough you wanted to change he’d have mentioned it?

He has 6th form coming up in September. He was is planning to go to all all male 6th form. He needs business wear. I left a catalogue in his room so he could look at some suits.
I found the catalogue on his desk with rings around what he wants. He wants dresses and to go an all girls 6th form with a new name, where they don’t offer his A levels so he’d compromise on subjects.
I feel sick.
I love him, I really do. But this isn’t right. There is no clue he is in unhappy. He has grown his hair but he still wears jeans and t shirts, he has a deep voice and shows no signs of being anything other than a grumpy teenager.
I suggested he start slowly and just dress in a more feminine way, start with flowery shirts, or pink shorts and t shirts. Anything! Build up. Maybe try something at home in front of us but not catch a bus into town from day one!
Of course I don’t want it to happen at all.

I still don’t believe him.
He is strong minded and stubborn. He fails to see its ludicrous. Words have failed me. I want to rationalise it all. If I had any clue before on how he felt I would deal with it better. Surely trans doesn’t just turn on?

No you came on to an online forum asking for other people’s opinions. And that is mine. Go and spend some time getting to know how your son feels instead of talking shit on here

star

I have a friend going through similar with her child and i know she finds it incredibly difficult

Ive no useful advice im afraid

And yet again:
IT. HAS. A. MIXED. SIXTH. FORM.

Cancel the fucking cheque.

I haven’t read the whole thread, but I will soon.

He is your son, you need to accept him for who he is!! I don’t understand why you say you can’t cope with the idea, you’re going to have to cope, if this is what he wants support him!

I wouldn’t usually share this with people, but I am going to because I feel as if I need to.

And older friend of has a daughter who recently came out as lesbian, her family told her that they were very disappointed in her and that they don’t think they would be able to get used to the idea - a few days ago she took an overdose, she was found in the bath, there goes for the grace of god that she is ok.

Perfectly the mixed 6th form is not that mixed, don’t offer the same subjects etc and I still don’t think day being one thing and the next day being something else is the best way to go about this.

For anyone who hasn’t grasped yet: I love my child.

I make no apologies for not putting bunting up that he has claimed to be transgender. It’s a bloody big deal.

You don't need to put up bunting. But the fact that you're dismissing him and invalidating him is "a big deal".

Well said Grems. I think all I said to my DS was "that's great. What do you want me to bring to hospital." When your son shows up in a black velvet Edwardian riding jacket, a sleeveless top and black suede high-heeled boots, you kind of guess. 😂

A little understanding might not go amiss. It is a big deal.

Perfectly I had nothing to guess from and neither did anyone else. I said in my earlier post if I’d had any clue I would have said ‘oh it all makes sense’
Our whole household is stunned.

For those who think we are ostracising him or something we are not. We’ve had a family trip to the cinema and a meal out today. All our usual stuff. Still no clue.

To those who missed the point I made I did say change gently, slowly. Give others some time as well as yourself. I’ve never said anything that would give any doubt that we love him even if we don’t always agree.

I think it's the telling him that you hope it's a phase, that people are disagreeing with. You can think that, but you shouldn't say it. Stop telling him what to do, take his lead.

It might be a phase. It can be a phase. Just realised my post was ambiguous. I was suggesting giving the OP some understanding. It is a big deal. I would be concerned if a child in my family said this too, especially if they wanted surgery.

Yes, but if the OP says she hopes it's a phase, he'll be thinking, what if it's not?

I am trying to understand the OP, but I think she's being too honest about her feelings with her child.

boatass

I would be furious if a boy with long hair was at my dds single sex school proclaiming to be a girl.

?? Why would you be furious? I find this thread offensive - yes this is happening for young people (&older people) in the same way that being gay years ago was thought to be 'pervy' & 'unnatural'.
I don't honestly know why you'd have this attitude towards your DS wanting to choose his/her gender -for whatever reason. This is real to him/her & your job is to give your support.

Maybe try to understand this better by getting to know people who are TG or at least educate yourself before saying 'its a phase'. I could think of a lot worse that could be happening to a teen than wanting to be a girl. Even if it is a phase you still should be supporting him/her in an open & accepting way rather than imposing your own views. How do you expect him to explore other possibilities if you are refusing to accept his/her position in all this?

Put it this way... we have all been teenagers & its hard - I wouldn't want to do it again I know that for sure. On top of thus, imagine being confused about your gender and being uncomfortable in your body. Now imagjne your DP not accepting your feelings & conflicts. Thats a lot to deal with...

They don't do surgery on 16 year olds I'm sure of that. Hormones would only be given after a thorough assessment. The idea that you'd decide this then get surgery done straight away is rubbish.

Others other reason he detached himself so much is because he is living through the internet I know many trans kids watch a lot of other trans you-tubers online they give them hope and guidance I would recommend stef sanjati and Chloe Arden and Elle Bradford if they want any more

Sorry I meant to put "maybe the reason why" not others others

I don’t know anyone transgender in real life.
But you do OP, your own child - your refusal to respect his feelings about it is very likely to drive him away - please get help to come to terms with his right to decide for himself how he feels and presents to the world, and stop telling him you don't believe him.

yes this is happening for young people (&older people) in the same way that being gay years ago was thought to be 'pervy' & 'unnatural'.
This is so true - there are still old books around on how gay people can be re-educated, it's not long since it was a criminal offence to be gay, and considered absolutely 'wrong'. Almost all the negative comments made about trans people could have been made about gay people 70 years ago.
You don't need to think it's a great idea, or even understand why, you just need to respect the rights of others to express their identity as they see it.

OP can you imagine how hard it was for your DC to tell you this? Or how long they’ve been thinking about it and plucking up the courage to tell you? And you let them down. You made it all about you and your feelings.
Nobody wants their child to be gay, transgender, non-binary etc but if that’s how it turns out you have to be supportive or you will lose that child.

You're posting on here that you feel it's 'ludicrous', that you 'feel sick'. He must know that you feel that way, which could be the reason he's been cagey. I doubt it's sudden - only to you. Why not suggest he gets dressed up however he feels comfortable, make up too if he likes, with your help if he wants it, then go out to a trendy cafe to have a proper chat, with the emphasis on him talking and you listening / your post comes across more about your feelings than his.

But op - he can go to the girls school as a boy. That would be my compromise. He registers as a boy there, you allow him to wear a more feminine clothing.

It could well be that he feels like he doesn't fit in at his current all boys school - if it is very masculine/macho culture, it could be that he sees himself not being like them, being more like the girls he knows. Letting him explore how to be a man in a female dominated situation might be the best for him.

If the A Levels available at the girls school don't completely rule out his chosen career path (which is very male dominated industry so might not suit him if he doesn't like being in an all male environment), then just because the options at the boys school would be a bit better, still let him move.

Let him move schools in September - get him some counselling this summer as a condition of being allowed to move school. Make it seem you are meeting him part way.

He isn't happy, he's identified the problems as being in the wrong body and wrong school - changing school is an easy start.

Being gay does not lead to a lifetime of artificial hormones and surgical intervention. And there are worrying signs that being transgender can be an internalised way of denying homosexuality - instead of being a gay man you can be a heterosexual woman. That, to me, is the opposite of the tolerance and acceptance I want to see in our society.

OP, you've been bashed for wondering if your DS might be autistic and I wonder if this might seriously be contributing to his gender confusion. You say you've made an appointment with the doctor for after his GCSEs, but I wonder, could you go and speak to the doctor beforehand and tell him what issues are - prime him - if you like? Because I think, if I were you, I'd not only want to get a fuller understanding of his gender confusion (and whether this is just a phase or something more), I would want to have him assessed for autism. AFAIK autism and gender confusion can be complementary and therefore understanding your DS's personality and whether he has ASD could well be key to helping him.

As for the whole school issue, surely the most important thing is for him to go join the sixth form offering the subjects he wants to study at A level? Everything else is secondary. But I would encourage him to go dressed as a male and also to take his time with the gender stuff. If he's only 5'6" at age 16 then he's probably still growing and going through puberty, which is a time of hormonal turmoil for most teens.

Talking to the doctor about all this sounds like a good idea for YOU as well, as you clearly lack support IRL. So I would make an appointment to go and chat about this with the doctor not only as a prelude to the doctor meeting your DS, but for you own peace of mind.

CoffeeOrSleep my DS trained as an engineer too, coincidentally. Unfortunately, he's too ill to work, but just because he feels more comfortable identifying as female, that can't suppress his engineer's brain he's had since he was tiny. DD has a similar brain.

Starkstaring neither does being transgender necessarily. DS is contraindicated for hormones or surgery, so he's just learnt to live with it.

Oh, and starfish, being transgender is all about how you feel inside, he doesn't have to change the outside. As I said, DS spends most of his life in jeans and t-shirts, so do I. He did have very long hair, until he lost it all due to chemo.