My child has just come out as trans 😊

[happylittlefish]

My ds13 (was dd) has just told me they're transgender. He'd always been a very extreme 'tomboy' and has told me he's always felt like a boy and would like me to call him by a new name and use correct pronouns, which I am happy to oblige.

We're going to get his hair cut soon and have ordered a binder (very aware of how to use it).

I have a few questions though:

1. How is the best way to tell family/friends?
2. Should I inform school or wait a while? I'm scared he'll be bullied.
3. What actually lies ahead for ds?
4. What are the next steps?

Thank you for anyone who can help 😊

I'm not sure binders are harmless, my nephew has breast growth and the hospital will not supply or support the use of binders as they can cause damage.

Binders damage developing breast tissue Elsa. They're not 'perfectly safe' for a 13 year old.

Great that you're so supportive OP - your DS is lucky to have you. But please do try and dissuade him from damaging his body until he's gone through puberty. He can make a decision when he's an adult.

And please make it clear to him that being a butch lesbian is a perfectly valid choice (or just a gender-nonconforming heterosexual woman) is absolutely fine with you too.

Basically, don't shut any doors off.

" Binding for extended periods of time can lead to rashes or yeast infections under the breasts. Unsafe binding may lead to permanent deformation of the breasts, scarring, and lung constriction and long-term binding may adversely affect the outcome of a future mastectomy."

Binders 😱

Please do not bind your daughter's breasts or encourage her to do so. She is 13, 13 year old's get all kinds of ideas that seem utterly all-consuming at the time but when looked at through a lense of experience seem ludicrous in retrospect.

Listen to your daughter, be supportive, try and tell her there are many ways to be a woman. But don't set her down a path that may be irreversible before she has the real maturity to understand what she's doing.

I remember your other threads. Is this your child that is anorexic? I would be concerned that maybe there are reasons other than being transgender that they may dislike their body in that case and talk it through with a therapist.

I'm another one who is gently suggesting not to rush into anything too quickly.

A very close relative came out as trans at 14. At 17 she has decided that she is gender fluid. Had she gone down the binder route she was have damaged her body permanently.

13 is very young to make such a huge decision.

What do you mean by she's just come out? How does she know she's TG? I hope it's not just from reading stuff in the Internet (I would have a good look at her browsing history).

Please, think very long and hard about going down this route. To be TG is to be a patient for life. And if your child ihas been anorexic then this is surely all part of their struggle to deal with their changing body. You wouldn't treat anorexia by handing over the laxatives and ensuring that everyone else agrees with your child's vision of themselves, would you?

OK, I'm not usually into advanced search on posters but as a PP mentioned it, it does seem your DD has a long history of eating disorders. You need to think VERY carefully before taking her down the route you are.

Your daughter is too young and you will be doing a very bad thing encouraging this.

Read up more. Look at Netherlands. They are far more clued up than the UK and would not dream of doing the things you're proposing.

A large proportion grow out of it or finally settle of being attracted to the same sex.

Look up Blanchard.

I have very very personal experience of this and would tell you "let your child be a child and do not encourage extremes of gender characteristics"

Sorry to be an arse, but would this not count as child abuse?

Oh and it is now increasingly accepted that trans is in fact a subset of personality disorders and co-morbity with autism, anorexia etc etc etc.

You must NOT be tempted to follow the media and encourage this madness.

Also, and I don't mean to be harsh here, but your coy 'blush-smilies' emoticons on your post seem to suggest that you think you've found the magic bullet that will 'cure' her of whatever has been troubling her and leading to her anorexia.

If only life were that simple.

It is clear your DD is not happy with herself, but latching onto this I suspect will only cause much more trauma and upset for her down the line.

She is 13, tread very carefully.

From initial discussion to school being told and binders ordered has been what, three days?

So the child had a history of anorexia and you feel it's appropriate to bind their developing body?

I'm sorry OP. I don't want to hurt your feelings. But this is clearly not a gender issue.

Fuck me
You've a child with an eating disorder who suddenly tells you they are actually a boy and instead of questioning where this idea has come from for one tiny minute you're calling them he and buying breast binders
Are you clinging on to this as a possible explanation/cure for the anorexia and unhappiness? Or is there some other reason that you have joyfully accepted your 13 year old anorexic child's self diagnosis as transgender?

Be supportive of her. Don't be supportive of her hate of her own body. And definitely do not take her to a pro-trans therapist. Sorry, but if you go that route, it is very likely she will be put on this path with no way of escaping.

Cut her hair. Let her wear whatever clothes she likes. But don't encourage her in damaging her body.

Just read this text by a young man who transitioned and ... later on, thought that maybe was not the best idea ever: transywansy.wordpress.com/2016/07/15/transition-one-treatment-for-a-collection-of-conditions/
Quote: The NHS pathway I’ve been on, has included therapy which has been available to me every 6 weeks. Whilst in theory this is a great step, the truth is less helpful. The therapy is affirmative, it involves you raising questions, and being affirmed in your womanhood, there was no room for critical thinking

No room for critical thinking. Protect your child from that sort of thing. This young man was 17. Your child is only 13.

Perhaps go and speak to your GP before you consider doing anything potentially damaging. Don't try to manage this by yourself.

It's great that you're supporting your child in being gender non conforming.

But I think it's unhelpful to use binders on an individual with eating disorders, or encourage her in thinking she can magically change sex.

I'm sure you love your child and only want what's best, but as an objective outsider, from what you've described, I really really doubt it's this path.

A good parent does NOT order a binder for a girl who is very confused and does NOT go into school either!!!!

What the heck are you thinking of?

Is his dad as supportive OP? I agree with the other posters who urge a little caution with the binders. It's all very new.

You cannot change sex.

You can align with stereotypes of a a gender.

You can do things to your body to make your body look like those stereotypes of gender or to simulate a different sex.

However you cannot change sex.

Very sad.

You simply need to support your child. Please do not order the binder. Please do not encourage this in any way.

OP, I know it isn't usually ok to bring up your posting history but is this the DD who is only five stones but eats a lot? If so I don't see how you would even need Binders.
Your posting history is a bit all over the place with the ages and numbers of kids. (I change details myself so understand why you might not be consistent). It just seems a bit worrying to have these eating issues happening at the same time as this announcement. I presume your DC is getting professional help.