My child has just come out as trans 😊

[happylittlefish]

My ds13 (was dd) has just told me they're transgender. He'd always been a very extreme 'tomboy' and has told me he's always felt like a boy and would like me to call him by a new name and use correct pronouns, which I am happy to oblige.

We're going to get his hair cut soon and have ordered a binder (very aware of how to use it).

I have a few questions though:

1. How is the best way to tell family/friends?
2. Should I inform school or wait a while? I'm scared he'll be bullied.
3. What actually lies ahead for ds?
4. What are the next steps?

Thank you for anyone who can help 😊

But this is clearly not a gender issue.

This IS a gender issue. Anorexia is a gender issue. Girls seek to escape oppression in patriarchy by making their body vanish. At the same time, patriarchal beauty ideals nowadays encourage girls to diet and damage their health.
It has everything to do with gender.

(And since many people don't know what gender actually means in feminist discourse, here's an article that might help: aeon.co/essays/the-idea-that-gender-is-a-spectrum-is-a-new-gender-prison)

That's not a good thing, though. And it does not mean that buying a binder will solve any problems.

My business partner has three girls. The middle one is six. Her best friend in the world has now decided she identifies as a boy. Age six. Her parents are fighting with the council to change her name. She is wearing these binders. My friend has been shot down in flames for saying this is ridiculous. The child is six years old,

From your past posts OP, it seems that you too have an ED, so I would say, in the kindest way possible that unless you have truly dealt with your own issues you may not be the best person to guide your daughter at the moment.

How does your partner feel about this, you say he is supportive, is he supportive? How does this manifest itself?

A 6 year old is wearing breast binders? Are you sure?

Yes marley, I am sure. I have personal experience via him and professional experience via social work type involvement in my professional life. I attended yet another meeting last week about this exact thing.

6 year olds don't have breasts though. Why would they wear a binder? I'm not saying you're lying, just don't understand. I'm guessing the parents got it and they are driving the agenda because a 6 year old wouldn't know about binders or really be aware of the effects of puberty on her chest in any tangible way

Please don't do anything permanent, binders included.

Your child needs a psych consult, not binders.

Anorexia is a gender issue

Yeah, because no man has ever had it have they... What a load of bollocks.

Absolutely. I agree entirely, they do not understand and I only had knowledge of it initially via my discussions with him. He has been labelled ignorant for refusing to agree with what they are doing. Child says they identify as male. They are now embracing that. Is what they are saying.

Op if your child has an eating disorder and also feels trans, it might be worth reading up about aspergers in particular aspergers in girls to see if you feel it might be relevant

"I" do not understand

Setting aside the other issues (even though they are clearly both significant and very concerning) why would anyone put a grinning emoticon next to a statement that their child has said they are trans?

Someone who truly has gender dysphoria has a very hard path ahead of them. Medication for life with a very uncertain outcome. A high chance of being very unhappy with very worrying suicide rates. Likely never to be able to have children, which may not be an issue for them, but infertility is a massive issue for many. Issues around acceptance, finding romantic partners etc.

A cause for concern, however wonderful and supportive you may be. Not a cause for celebration.

MN isn't always the best place to get advice on trans issues as there are some very strong views on both sides that aren't always helpful. I think take things slowly, if DS wants to change pronouns, name etc there is no reason not to. Make sure he understands it is always an option to change those back again if he feels differently further down the line. In terms of physical interventions (binder, hormones etc) posters are right to advise caution but you need to balance it out in terms of DS' mental health too. If physical interventions are the only thing to keep him sane, it may be the right option in this situation. It requires thought though, and patience.

vashta

So are you saying that it could be damaging to the mental health of a child with an eating disorder not to indulge their desire to change the appearance of their body?

Is the child with the eating disorder really the right person to be making that decision?

It can be extremely damaging to the mental health of a child to pander to the current media frenzy and huge rise in children claiming to identify as the opposite sex to their biology.

I would be extremely cautious of many staff in the UK gender re-assignment clinics too.

Remember less than 10% of people who admit gender dysphoria ever go on to physical surgery and the small studies done conclude that 20% of that 10% then go on to regret their gender reassignment and seek to change back to the biological selves.

The prognosis for gender dysphorics is poor. The effects on their families is just shit absolute shit, life ends up revolving around the gender dysphoric and it is no wonder so many are diagnosed with narcisstic personality / borderline personality / ADD / adult aspergers. Suicide rates amongst relatives are if anything higher than the dysphorics, as it is those relatives who have to pander to their whims and they get no support systems in the NHS. They do not make good publicity, don't expect any help whatsoever in the road ahead.

You are best to never see it is something to celebrate. The minds of dysphorics are subject to extremes.

I don't know the OP's child and whether the eating disorder is still present or relevant. As I said before, a cautious and supportive approach is best. And yes, of course sometimes intervention is best if it stops suicide. There are many many trans adults who can testify to that. This thread is getting predictably silly now. Read widely OP, talk to others, and just try to do the best for your child. Good luck!

As the partner of a nonbinary person can I just thank and congrate you on being supportive and understanding your child. Thank you so much.

Christ.

Your child has a very serious life-threatening mental health condition in anorexia. Now is not the time to make ANY life decisions.

I was just coming on to say what Bombadier has said but was trying to think how to word it so as not to be leapt on .

From the description you give OP, I too, would be considering seeking assessment for a spectrum condition before buying a binder . Eating disorders are very common in girls with autism and there is increasing evidence to suggest that gender dysphoria is often an issue too.

It is indeed very interesting that such a high percentage of female children who then say they want to become male are also diagnosed on the autistic spectrum. And interesting that such a high percentage of male children saying they want to be male have rather "attached" relationships with their mothers and their birth order is so conforming. It's the ones who don't conform to these groups who are the interesting ones.

Also, and I don't mean to be harsh here, but your coy 'blush-smilies' emoticons on your post seem to suggest that you think you've found the magic bullet that will 'cure' her of whatever has been troubling her and leading to her anorexia

Funny how we interpret things differently: I thought it was a self-congratulatory smug face as the OP is delighted to publicly declare what a right-on zeitgeist-embracing modern parent they are.

"Anorexia is a gender issue

Yeah, because no man has ever had it have they... What a load of bollocks."

Something is a gender issue if it disproportionately affects one gender. Anorexia is one of those issues; of course it happens to males too, but nowhere near the numbers and scale that it affects females. Same with rape. Same with lots of gender issues. HTH.

OP, did you support your dd to diet when she thought she was too fat? Did you validate her delusions then? As parents, I don't think we should be supporting our children's delusions. You may find these sites helpful, they will put you in touch with parents who are in the same position as you, who will not railroad your DD into doing something that she may in the future, deeply regret.

youthtranscriticalprofessionals.org/
4thwavenow.com/
gendercriticaldad.blogspot.co.uk/

FWIW most kids who think they're the other sex, either grow out of it, or grow up to be gay. You may do your DD far more good by making it clear that you are supportive of lesbianism.