Op I have a child who is currently choosing to live as a different gender, so, believe me when I say I am 100% supportive and aware of what you are going through.
People have told me I am wrong to support my child, that at 16 they are capable of making that decision, we have had all sorts of hell thrown at us.
My child also began saying at 3 or 4 they didn't feel 'right' didn't feel like they fitted in, they felt as though they were 'different'.
I sat back, listened, and, like my other dc they were able chose their toys, clothes, hobbies, friends etc according to their taste,not according to stereotypes.
Still my child told me that they were unhappy.
So when my child turned 8 I decided to get some counselling (not gender counselling) to see what was going on.
The counsellor told me nothing new, my dc was unhappy and recommended specific gender counselling.
We went to the childrens mental health team where we are and they referred us over.
It was at this point I spoke to the school.
By this point we were coming onto 6 years of my child expressing these feelings.
So we went to family counselling, gender counselling and the school psychologist spoke to my dc too.
Together (about a year on from this) we decided what would be the harm in just referring to my dc as the gender they want, and allowing my dc to change their name.
Which is where we are at now.
My dc, currently, is NOT trangender, my dc has NOT transitioned.
We still attend counselling, and face challenges, and it is a long road ahead, regardless of whether my dc does eventually transition or not, and we are now years into my dc being referred to as their new name and gender.
There has been heartache, and sadness, nastiness, people we love have left our lives and my dc has grown up far beyond their years.
Maybe my dc will grow to be trangender, maybe they won't (actually the likelihood is they won't since something like 80+% of children who go through this don't go on to transition in adulthood) but just now I see it as a phase that I am supportive of, and actually, the way my dc talks about their body I wonder if it is a form of dysmorphia) but I won't be allowing my dc to take drugs (we have been offered) or do anything that can't be reversed.
Despite me having a relatively young child who identifies as the opposite sex currently, I really think what you are doing is far too much too soon.
You need to get professional help, for you, your children (all of them) especially your child who is having these feelings, your husband and maybe even your wider family.
You need to give it so much more time than you have and be very non committal about anything in these early days.
You need to get help BEFORE you make any choices regarding schools etc.
If your child is transgender then it is a journey that will last a lifetime, there is no hurry to start it at all. But, if your dc is trans then they have supportive parents and that is great, and so much morethan a lot of trans people have.
You also have to be very cautious of not giving it too much attention, children thrive on attention and will adapt their behaviour into what gets them the most. On a day to day, week to week or even month to month basis now it makes no odds to anything we do (aside from attending counselling) that my dc is living 'differently', it isn't mentioned often, I will have the odd meeting at school, but nothing about it is a big deal in front of my dc.
Finally I would like to say that this really is a growing trend, certain sites and forums I am on have had an influx of people recently saying their child is trans because they like pink/blue whatever and it is terrifying beyond belief. People with 2 and 3 year olds assigning genders to their babies based on childhood behaviours and being encouraged. I think we are heading for a huge backlash in years to come from children who have been coaxed into being trans rather than coming to that decision by themselves. I would really encourage people not to get help from these forums at the moment and seek help from professionals.
I know most on MN won't agree with the choices I have made, but I just wanted you to hear from someone who has been there, done that.
I hope you all get the help you need 