My dd just told me she is gay and I'm really not sure I handled it well.

[shakinstevenslovechild]

She is 9 and told me that she has feelings for one of her friends, I (stupidly) assumed it was a boy and then she started crying and told me it was a girl.

We hugged and I told her it didn't matter if she had feelings for boys or girls or both and I was proud and pleased that she could speak to me about it and all I ever want is for her to be happy and I would always love and support her etc.

But then I started telling her about different kinds of love, love for friends and love for partners and I upset her all over again and she, once again told me it was girlfriend feelings she has, not friend feelings.

We chatted a bit more about it all and she went to bed quite happy and she said she was relieved to have told me but I feel like I have been totally dismissive of her feelings and messed it all up now by a) assuming it was a boy she had feelings for when she told me and b) going on about loving friends when she blatently told me that it wasn't like that.

Can anyone tell me how I can salvage the open and honest relationship I have with her, and maybe recommend a book or some other way to help her deal with her feelings. She seems to be struggling a bit at the moment, although my 13yo son came in when we were talking and she told him and he said 'I don't care who you love, you will always be stinky to me' and gave her a hug and that seemed to ease her a bit (can't believe he handled it better than I did) she seems to be a bit ashamed just now

One called The Misfits, one called Alice on the Outside and another called Pinky and Rex and the Bully. The first two are about experiencing first crushes and the third is about being happy with who you are.

Thats good advice Annie, I will, in future, keep things gender neutral with all my children until they tell me one way or the other, it's not something I have ever thought about before but I will be super aware of from now on.

I think you handled brilliantly tbh. I don't know how you could have handled it better esp since you needed to think on the spot. How adorable is your son :)

Lovely family you have from what I can gather

I think it does have an impact if you read fiction that incidentally has gay or bisexual characters in it.

I enjoy reading some older childrens books, and as a gay woman I do really notice when a book breaks out of the 'boys are always with girls' norm. Off the top of my head, the Skulduggery Pleasant books are really good with this (especially the later ones), although I would say probably best for 11+ not 9+, and the latest Percy Jackson book has a character coming out as gay in it. I'll try and think of some others. It's a shame how few childrens books have coincidental LGBT characters in them.

I think that kind of thing would be picked up on by a 9 year old, and it would probably be a good thing

Just general normal fiction, not a book which has being gay as a strong theme in it, where LGBT characters are coincidental

Stupid question! Which Percy Jackson book? (My son is reading them and passing them to me when he is done. I must be lagging behind!)

You can definitely know you are gay/bisexual/queer/trans etc at 9. Many people know sooner than this. As PP said, our 'default' is straight - we assume everyone knows they are straight, but being LGBTQ is something you have to agonise over and find out. It needn't be like that.

I think you handled it very well OP.

Another one who thinks you did really well :)

And agreeing that really you can't tell what's happening in her head at this moment, I know someone who strongly felt they were gay from age 4, I know myself personally didn't know and did grow up to explore both genders before settling on being straight.

So very thoughtful of you to be open to a whole range of scenarios and keep in mind that the main thing is, she's 9. I'm sure she ll work it out in her own time at some point and it may take years, even decades, or maybe she just knows clearly now - but any of that's ok.

It's tricky to know quite how to address things like this, because although she's talking about something that seems to be 'grown up' sexuality, she's experiencing it right now as a child and so we adults have to be careful not to bring our adult perceptions into it, or societies baggage into it.

From what you've written, it sounds like there are two elements to what she shared, firstly that shes fancying/ loving (whatever the right word is) a girl, and secondly that she's having these really strong feelings. It sounds like you addressed both of these, and didn't get too hung up on either, and I think it's a good idea to carry on thinking of both bits - intense emotions can feel over wheeling and out of control, and reassuring her about these feelings without making too big a deal out of it is a good idea.

Re the books, I think it's great for her to have a range of family sets ups and situations in her reading, but I do wonder if it looks a too big gesture to give her them now? Maybe mix them in with others and make it a more general library update?

Wolfiefan It's the Heroes of Olympus series rather than the first Percy Jackson series. The book is House of Hades

But Heroes is basically an extension of Percy Jackson, it's all the old characters plus a host of new ones

Just tell her you will always love and support her and that you want her to be happy

You did fine. My Mum said I was 'attention seeking . I thought I was gay when I was about 10, although I didn't know what gay was. I was about 15 when I realised I was bi. fwiw, I found accepting my bisexual identity a whole lot harder.

Thank you again for all the wonderful advice.

With the books I buy her lots anyway and just add them to her bookshelf, I won't make a big deal about it I'll just treat them as I do the rest of the books I buy and put them on her shelf. It wasn't until last night that I realised that none of her books have gay characters in them at all, she has hundreds, which is quite shocking really so I will make more of an effort to buy books with all sorts of different families and situations in them from now on, for my younger dds too (thank you for the recommendations).

Not much wonder my poor dd found it hard to tell me, all of my actions seem to have perpetuated the idea that liking boys is normal and that's it I sat thinking last night I have even said things like 'oh your future husband.......' and every chat we have had about sex and babies has all been centred around men and women. I have told her about gay couples but from what I can remember it was in more of a 'some men love men and some women love women' type way and it wasn't even in my head that she might feel that way.

Although she feels she is gay at this time and may (or may not) change her mind this is a real learning curve for me. With my younger dds I will try and keep things more neutral and not make assumptions.

Dd was fine this morning, we had a cuddle and she didn't mention it at all and is off at her clubs for most of the day now so hopefully I haven't messed up as much as I thought I did last night.

Thank you for all your replies and for sharing your experiences

Another lesbian here and I think you handled it perfectly. The books are a great idea. I agree about not mentioning it again unless she does and then letting her take the lead. Trust your instincts, they seem to be pretty good ones!

Thank you very much, I think last night with the shock of her telling me at such a young age I felt like I was a bit dismissive in some respects so its great to know that you think I did alright. I feel like I'm a bit more prepared for the next chat, if there is one, now.

I think you handled it well too.

Just wanted to pick up on something from a post upthread, you don't decide to be gay. You realise that you are.

Although, I tend to think of sexuality as being a continuum and our position on it is/can be moveable.

There is a lesbian couple in Doctor Who as well although I don't know if they will be in the new series.

I think it's good to ensure that children have a variety of relationships, etc, modelled in the fiction that they have access to. It's a shame that she feels she can't discuss her crushes etc with her classmates - hopefully in a few years this will be the case.

I think you handled it great.

As a by the by, most of my gay friends both male and female said they knew at the very least they were different (their words not mine) from a very young age, some as young as 4to5.

One said she remembered playing houses with a friend, friend was talking about 'her' husband and friend said that sound wrong when she though/tried to say it. She couldn't say why or what was wrong just that it wasn't right for her.

It's sounds to me that the message your daughter got was it doesn't matter who she loves/fancys, you and her family love her.

Thank you again for your thoughts and experiences.

I'll have a look at Doctor Who, and I have also been looking at anything else which has gay characters in it without the focus on their sexuality if that makes sense. There isn't much at all which is really disappointing.

This has all been a real eye opener for me that's for sure.

I'm bisexual. You handled this brilliantly. I would never tell my mother about being bi, she's EXTREMELY homophobic.

I on the other hand, always when one of my DC's talk about a crush, use "what is THEIR name", leaving the gender open.

I knew at 5yo that I was bi. I had 'those' feelings for both boys and girls at that age.

So I guess I always knew...

Judy Blume books are very good for learning about feelings, preteen angst and such.

I can't remember if any characters are gay but they're still a good choice and you can re-read them too because they're fecking awesome.

I too think you did better than you realise.
Your son is a treasure.

You and your son have both handled it absolutely beautifully, don't beat yourself up! It's so great that she feels she can talk to you, just relax, have some books around the house and let her come to you, just as she already is

Thank you everyone. I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

We had a little chat this morning about it again (she came to me) and this time it went a little better (thanks to you all helping me prepare). She still has a feeling of shame though, mainly because she feels different from her school friends, is this a normal way to react when you realise that you are gay?

The last thing I want is her feeling ashamed for her perfectly natural feelings so, if she agrees, should I look into counselling or something to help her come to terms with it, the only groups in our area seem to be for ages 13 and over so that won't be an option for a few years yet, although the phonelines to the group are open on Tuesday so I'm going to give them a phone for some advice anyway.

Or should I just leave things for now and keep talking to her and hope that she realises it's nothing to be ashamed of? Sorry to keep asking things but, as I say, this is totally new to me and I don't want to do the wrong thing.

There is a charity called Schools Out which deals with homphobic bullying in schools - now it doesn't sound like this is an issue for your DD but I am pretty sure they work in primary schools as well as secondary schools, so maybe phone them up and ask if they know of any age-suitable groups/resources? Ringing up the local group you mentioned also sounds like a good plan, they will know of local things that are suitable if there are any.

I'm not sure I would go down the counselling route - I think it might reinforce any idea that it's something 'wrong' that needs curing or dealing with. Much better would be activities where she can meet other children like her and see that it's normal. There is also a group called PFLAG for parents and families of LGB people but it seemed to be aimed at parents of adult gay children - you might still find it helpful though. Be aware that a lot of groups focus on gay men and lesbians and ignore bisexual people either somewhat or totally, but that being bisexual or pansexual is totally part of the LGBTQ community and it's important not to ignore that your daughter may well be bisexual/pansexual and not a lesbian.

This thread is making for interesting reading. I am bi, I only realised about 4 years ago when I'd been with my now DH for a while. I'd recognised the feelings for awhile, but never felt able to give it a name.

Thinking about it, I knew I had feelings for girls at primary school (interestingly, one of whom has since come out as a lesbian), but didn't know it had a name. I just knew I enjoyed 'experimenting' and tried to get other friends to do it too.

I would never have told my mum, and won't as an adult (especially now I'm married to a man). I think children know so much more so much younger that it is entirely possible she is able to put a name to feelings we couldn't have at that age. I think you handled it brilliantly, and I can't help but think that if I'd known about being bi at an earlier age I might have felt more able to pursue relationships with women and seen it as more 'normal'. Part of me still wishes I'd been able to experience that part of myself before I settled down.

Thank you Little I just had a quick look at those sites and they look like they will be a great source of information for me.

I see what you are saying about the counselling, I'm really unsure myself about it, it's this feeling of being ashamed that is worrying me and I am just scared I will do or say the wrong thing and make this harder for her but I'll hold off on even thinking about it until I can see if there are groups or anything in my area, that would be so much better for her really I think her age may be a bit of a problem unfortunately but I'll see what they say on tuesday.

Thank you Retro for sharing your experience too, its been a real eye opener for me to realise thanks to this thread that quite a lot of people realise they are gay or bisexual in primary school.