My dd just told me she is gay and I'm really not sure I handled it well.

[shakinstevenslovechild]

She is 9 and told me that she has feelings for one of her friends, I (stupidly) assumed it was a boy and then she started crying and told me it was a girl.

We hugged and I told her it didn't matter if she had feelings for boys or girls or both and I was proud and pleased that she could speak to me about it and all I ever want is for her to be happy and I would always love and support her etc.

But then I started telling her about different kinds of love, love for friends and love for partners and I upset her all over again and she, once again told me it was girlfriend feelings she has, not friend feelings.

We chatted a bit more about it all and she went to bed quite happy and she said she was relieved to have told me but I feel like I have been totally dismissive of her feelings and messed it all up now by a) assuming it was a boy she had feelings for when she told me and b) going on about loving friends when she blatently told me that it wasn't like that.

Can anyone tell me how I can salvage the open and honest relationship I have with her, and maybe recommend a book or some other way to help her deal with her feelings. She seems to be struggling a bit at the moment, although my 13yo son came in when we were talking and she told him and he said 'I don't care who you love, you will always be stinky to me' and gave her a hug and that seemed to ease her a bit (can't believe he handled it better than I did) she seems to be a bit ashamed just now

You sound like an absolutely phenomenal mum, your DD is a very lucky girl And the school sound fab!

In terms of books for the school, Letterbox Library are fab, I've found them very friendly and approachable and I'm sure would be happy to help the school find some suitable books.

Thanks Empress you really have helped me to help dd so much. I really can't thank you enough for taking the time to help me support her. Although I will never know exactly what she is going through you have helped me understand her so much better.

Thank you EduCated that link is great, I'm going to order some of those books too, my younger dds are 6 and 4 so I'm going to order some of the ones aimed at younger dc too so I don't make the same mistakes I have with my older dd and ds, and I have sent the link to the HT (who will be utterly fed up of emails from me by now ).

I think we had a bit of a breakthrough with dh last night, she gave him the letter she wrote in the morning, he apologised to her and said he would try and understand, then last night we were watching Take Me Out (don't judge me ) and we usually play along with it a bit. A guy came along and I said 'Beep, my light's off, he's about 20 years too young for me' then dd said 'Beep, my light is off, because, y'know, I'm a lesbian' and started laughing hysterically, which set me and dh off laughing too. It doesn't sound like much but it was the first time since this that she seems to have been genuinely comfortable, and she said it in front of dh, and he was comfortable too. I think we might be getting there with him, hopefully he just needed a day or two to stop being such a knob get his head around it.

You're more than welcome and that's brilliant about your DH!

That's great news OP

Hopefully for your DH it was a big shock, but something he will adjust to once he's had some thinking time

My parents took a few years to really come round, and I think, especially for my mum, it was not only because she was initially scared, but also because she needed to grieve for the child she thought she had and didn't have any more, before she could truly accept and fully support the daughter she really had. I hope that makes sense. As my mum, she pictured my life and future in a certain way, and me being straight was a pretty core part of that, since she knew and pictures that one day I would be married to a lovely man with some children. And then suddenly, I pulled the rug out out from under her and she was left scared and very very uncertain. She had no friends in the same situation. She lost the child she knew she was going to be helping get dressed on her wedding day, she thought she had lost the chance to ever have any grandchildren from me, and she thought i had lost the opportunity to ever have children and I would struggle through life being shunned. That whole future she just asumed would be, suddenly wasn't there any more, the daughter she thought she had wasn't really there any more. And she had no clue what would happen, and that uncertainty was really scary for her.

To my mind, she really did lose something big, and she needed to grieve that loss before she could accept the real me, and that took time. But with time, it was all right. Especially as societal attitudes changed. And I did give her grandchildren (by adoption) which was the most wonderful thing for her!

Maybe your DH will come to terms with it quickly, but maybe if he needs more time he's also feeling some feeling of loss and uncertainty as well.

Empress totally OT, but, Jasper Fforde fan? I'm re-reading The Eyre Affair now, forgotten how much damn fun this series is

Just finished One Of Our Thursdays Is Missing. Gutted that I only have one book to go....

Sorry about the tangent, Shakin. How are you?

Thanks Lilka that makes a lot of sense actually. Dh has 2 older sons as well as our son so when dd came along he did get all these visions of chasing off boyfriends and walking her down the aisle etc, so I guess he does feel like he has lost some of that now.

I can definitely understand the feeling of uncertainty too, I feel that way, mainly because, up until now, everything my dc have been through is something I have experience of, whereas this is completely new to me, and it is a bit scary. I just keep telling myself that however scary it is for me, it is 50 times worse for her.

Thanks for asking Empress things are actually great this week. Dh seems to have come around fairly quickly. He still doesn't believe that she is gay, but he is being as supportive as he can. I think the letter and him working away a lot at the moment has given him space to get his head around it.

Even better than that dd had found someone she can talk to. She does a lot of dancing, and adores her dance teacher. She was talking to her before class, and told her how she is feeling just now, and it turns out her dance teacher is a lesbian and has been living with her girlfriend for years.

DD was so excited, she has been at that dance school for years seeing such a great role model, and all the great things about her, and never knowing she is gay has boosted dd no end. She is beginning to understand that being gay (or not for that matter) is just a tiny part of who she is. And her teacher and I had a chat, and she is more than happy for dd to talk to her if she needs to.

I do feel a bit sad that it isn't me that can help her and I feel a bit like I have delegated my job to the school and now her dance teacher but dd is getting all the support she needs, and that is all I could ever have hoped for.

The books I ordered have arrived this week so they are on her bookshelf now, I have ordered a few aimed at younger children too so I won't make the same mistakes with my younger dds.

Thank you all again for taking the time to help me through this, I don't know where dd and I would have been without you all

Early days for me yet as my DD is only three, but we are making sure we prepare the ground so that (hopefully) she'll be comfortable to talk to us about boys or girls (or both) as and when she's interested.

Shakin you're doing great things for your daughter, and I'm really impressed by the school's approach. If it helps, I have nieces and nephews who range from 4-25 and none of the older ones (8+) are at all phased by the notion of any of their friends being gay.

Thanks Mrs I wish I could take the credit for my dd talking to me about it, but I really can't, if anything, I made things more difficult really. I truely wish I had put a bit more thought into various things when she was younger, as you are doing with your dd.

Although she has told a few adults now, and can speak openly about it with the people she has chosen to talk to I do think it will be a while before she will tell her classmates, hopefully they won't be phased either, but I know the school will be right on it if she does get picked on in any way, I'm hoping that when the school do the groundwork with some of the lessons etc dd will feel able to tell her friends and they won't care, but time will tell.

I really can't fault the school at all, they have been amazing, albeit a bit shocked and unprepared (like me). I'll pop back on Monday after my meeting there and let you all know what their plan is once they have taken advice, I have sent them links to the sites linked on here, and having had a look I imagine that some of the organisations will be the ones the school will turn to anyway. It's really great that they are learning alongside my dd and using it for the benefit of all their pupils, not just dd.

That's wonderful, Shakin. And she may have this great network now but she told you first, and you gave her the confidence and security to tell other people.

I know Empress on a purely selfish level it makes me a bit sad that I can't be the one to help her, this is the first time in 13 years of being a parent I haven't been able to 'fix' things for one of my dc and make it all better, but it is so great that in the space of 2 weeks she has so much support and people willing to help her and so many people she can talk to. She is a lucky girl indeed. And whatever happens in future she will always remember the support she has had throughout this time, and hopefully it will make her feel able to talk to me or another trusted adult about anything else in future (can you tell I'm looking forward to the difficult teenaged years ).

Shaking that sounds exactly like fixing it to me....

I mean you facilitated all this support for her, really, didn't you?

Exactly. Where do you think things would be now if you'd reacted negatively when she told you?

You are an excellent mum! I have always felt attracted to girls, as long as I've know I like boys I've known I like girls. I never spoke about it, never went out on the gay scene, never experimented. If I'd felt able to talk about it I would probably have explored that part of myself more. As it stands, I married and had kids, now separated and my new DP is a man. My kids are 4 and 2 and I will always be accepting of them and ensure they always know about variances in sexuality and that they are all ok.
I'm a bit at the posters who think a 9 year old cant know how she feels about who she is and who she's attracted to.

Hi again.

I'm so sorry I didn't notice that anyone else had replied, I can't get the 'threads I'm on' on the app, it just comes up blank so I can't see unless I'm on the computer, which I rarely am because it's about 100 years old and runs very slowly (like me most days).

Thank you Face and Empress I know you are right really, it's just a bit weird to be delegating my 'job' out to other people, but that's just my ego talking. I think it's better for dd to have a range of adults she can talk to and trust, and I guess I will get used to it sometime never

Meat thank you also for sharing your experience. I find it quite sad that you, and others on here, never felt able to talk to anyone about how you feel, although I can see why given some of the reactions from family members others have shared. The posters who said she doesn't know how she feels haven't got back to me with the magical age she should be taken seriously so I guess I will just have to accept that my daughter knows her own mind and is able to express her opinion about how she feels until someone tells me otherwise

I had a really great and very helpful email from Shawn at Inclusion For All over half term, and he is going to contact the school this week.

I had my meeting this morning, the school are going to continue with the project they are working on with dd, they have also requested new books for the library (they have to request the money from the PTA first) they have looked into the topics they do in class and are going to include changes in the law, discrimination, how people protest to get equal rights etc, where possible, they are still looking into how they can be inclusive as they will have a bit of work to do to change various things, and it won't be one big topic, just making sure that all forms of discrimination and changes in the law and the way people think are discussed in class throughout the school which is great. They have also requested some leaflets and posters which they are going to put alongside the others on their information boards throughout the school.

They are also there for dd whenever she needs it, if she wants to tell her friends at any point the school will support her in that and help her if she wants, she is able to speak to the guidance teacher whenever she needs to, she is going to have an hour out of class per week to work on her project which will also give her an opportunity to talk if she wants to, so a sort of informal counselling session really. They are also being careful not to 'label' her, and if she feels differently at any point then they are going to make it very easy for her to tell them, which is also great.

So all in all they have been, and continue to be, amazing and supportive.

I really couldn't be happier.

Thank you all again for your help throughout this, I really wouldn't be where I am now without your support and understanding