My dd just told me she is gay and I'm really not sure I handled it well.

[shakinstevenslovechild]

She is 9 and told me that she has feelings for one of her friends, I (stupidly) assumed it was a boy and then she started crying and told me it was a girl.

We hugged and I told her it didn't matter if she had feelings for boys or girls or both and I was proud and pleased that she could speak to me about it and all I ever want is for her to be happy and I would always love and support her etc.

But then I started telling her about different kinds of love, love for friends and love for partners and I upset her all over again and she, once again told me it was girlfriend feelings she has, not friend feelings.

We chatted a bit more about it all and she went to bed quite happy and she said she was relieved to have told me but I feel like I have been totally dismissive of her feelings and messed it all up now by a) assuming it was a boy she had feelings for when she told me and b) going on about loving friends when she blatently told me that it wasn't like that.

Can anyone tell me how I can salvage the open and honest relationship I have with her, and maybe recommend a book or some other way to help her deal with her feelings. She seems to be struggling a bit at the moment, although my 13yo son came in when we were talking and she told him and he said 'I don't care who you love, you will always be stinky to me' and gave her a hug and that seemed to ease her a bit (can't believe he handled it better than I did) she seems to be a bit ashamed just now

I'd just say something like "how are you feeling today?" and "I love you, you know" and leave it at that. She told you how she felt, up to a point and she felt relieved at having told you. The sky didn't fall in, her big brother was cool - she is probably feeling pretty secure about her family, even if she is confused about her feelings. I'd just keep a watch on it and see whether she seems to want to bring it up again. If she knows and speaks her mind as you say she'll probably bring it up again if she needs or wants to?

You obviously have a good relationship with your daughter as she was brave enough to tell you - dont beat yourself up. Your son is a star!!

If you want to read up more about young people coming out try emptyclosets.com. What you may find surprising is how many people say they have always known.

Try not to make it a big deal, but make it very clear you still love her and your are there on her side for her to discuss things when she wants to. Also, be very respectful of her privacy, dont be tempted to tell your friends or anyone else unless she wants you to. She may not be ready for that.

At nine in downplaying my ds and his talk of girlfriends - it's not like you would be ok with anything more than feelings, so why start buying books and making this a thing at nine?
She gets that you are okay with this, just let her grow up knowing whatever she feels will be okay with you. At nine, straight or gay, you aren't going to be encouraging much more than just liking people are you.

I had very strong crushes on boys from younger than 9. Of course she can know if she likes girls. She may like boys when she's older or she might not, but she can definitely know that she likes girls/a girl at age 9.

Some more great advice, thank you. I guess it will be easier for her to come to me and talk now that she has already said it so I won't mention it again unless I have to for her benefit.

I won't be telling anyone, it isn't mine to tell, and my son won't tell anyone either, the last thing she needs is anyone else knowing before she is ready.

I am not encouraging her to do anything with anyone, of course I'm not, but I want her to know her feelings are fine and normal, and she is struggling just now in a way I never have, although she can talk to me I can't really understand how she is feeling, so I think books that she can relate to will help her deal with what she is facing, and may continue to face in future if she is gay, I've just ordered 3 fiction books and will sneak them onto her bookshelf when they arrive so she can choose whether to read them without me making a big deal of it.

It sounds like you handled it very well actually OP. It's not like you freaked out or anything. The fact that she told you in the first place says a lot of positive things about your relationship.

Sorry no real advice for you but I think you are a better mum that you believe you are, OP.

I knew I that I am bisexual by that age but I didn't tell my mum until I was much older. I would have loved it if she had reacted as you have .

portofina I totally agree with you, I had feelings for a girl at 9 and was thrown into depression when she had another bestfriend, I was very intense, I could have probably told my mum they were GF feelings.

I would treat it very lightly and not mention the word gay, i just would not want to box and catagorise my DD at 9 years old and sexualise her. I would just want her to have some more years before sexuality came into it....

Is she going through puberty op? I went through puberty very early so had awareness of my sexual feelings earlier. I think people forget that kids sexuality develops at different ages.

I think sexuality is pretty fluid at any age. My dsis is gay, came out at19, but says she always knew, yet stil dabbled with men, so it can go either way. I think the right person is just the right person.
Sounds like your daughter is v lucky to have you and her brother to love her whatever. The fact you are worrying about it is testament to this.
You sound lovely and like a great mum

I'd just say something like "how are you feeling today?" and "I love you, you know"

What Verlaine said is good way to deal with tomorrow.
FWIW I think your reaction was fine, your explanation was fine, your reconfirmation/approval was supportive and your DS is a credit to you.

I think you handled it very well

If she went to bed feeling much happier, then clearly you succeeded

Also, don't be worried about your son just seeming to find the right words and you not finding them straight away. He's grown up in a different society than you grew up in with different attitudes and it's not in any way, shape or form something you should be beating yourself up over, that you did automatically assume she fancied a boy. You didn't do anything wrong. You don't always realise how much your thoughts are influenced by what messages you absorbed unconsciously many years ago, but they are, and it's absolutely not something you should be guilt tripping yourself over. It's different for your son. Also because he's her sibling, not her parent, and finding a good response as a sibling is different from as a parent

If you want to read more, then by all means do, excellent suggestions above

Sexuality can be very fluid (or set in stone very young), totally depends on the person. If she has a mum who loves and supports her no matter how she feels, that's what matters. And clearly she does, your DD felt she could talk to you about something she seems to be struggling a little bit with (judging by her being upset), so well done mum

rain, quite. I think is fair to realise that children may have awareness, but I believe sexuality is quite fluid anyway and that also you can have strong feelings that are not necessarily sexual in any way. It is far to early to categorise them.

What a lovely mum and what lovely kids! You don't sound like you dismissed it. It sounds like you said there are all sorts of love and they are all fine. You accepted what she said and said yes people do love other people. It's normal.
Good on you!

I am a lesbian, although not 'out' and engaged to be married to a man. I didn't know this at 9; it's only relatively recently in fact. Might be because I've never 'allowed' myself to be gay, though. I do think she knows she can talk to you and that's fine.

Looking back, I had my first crush at 8 and it was on a girl. Next one was aged 10 and on a boy. I had no idea that bisexuality was a thing at that point, I wasn't able to articulate that to myself until my teens. Once I did start looking at it head on, though, a lot of feelings from my pre-teen years starting making sense.

I agree with not putting her in a box - any box. Don't assume she's gay, don't assume it's a phase or an intense friendship, don't assume anything or make a big deal of it. Just let her know you love her and she can talk to you any time, about anything. The books sound great. You did good, OP. :)

Thank you all so much you have all been so kind to me.

I think my plan is to just to continue to reassure her every day that she is loved. Be there if she needs to talk and remember not to be dismissive of her feelings if she comes to me about this again. To make sure that some of the books I buy her (she loves reading so goes through lots of books) have gay characters in them, I have ordered her 3 already but I will get more because having just had a look at her bookshelves all the stories that have any sort of a relationship in them are all boy/girl relationships and the ones that aren't about relationships all seem to have straight characters which I never noticed before now.

She is going through puberty just now, yes, I was the same I was 9 when my periods started and my hormones went crazy, although she isn't as far on as I was at her age she is certainly further along than most of the other girls in her class which may also be a factor I guess.

Agree with not making an issue of it. Wouldn't be buying books on the subject either as too young to be categorising sexuality at 9. She's too young to know what she definitely 'is' or 'is not' in this regard imo. Buying books and raising the subject put pressure on her to choose her sexuality and it's just way too young for her to have to try make sense of how or what she feels. You sound great and all she needs to feel that she is loved and accepted for herself.

I think you handled it well as did you're ds, it's amazing how accepting children are!

My DS came out as being bisexual last year (13) and told me she had a girlfriend, she did this by text, thin it was easier for her that way. I just told her that it makes no difference whether she has a gf or bf as long as she was happy and that they treated her well. He dad on the other hand went down the whole, why? Are you serious? route, did not go down well at all.

I would maybe just say something about you loving her no matter who she fancies so that she at least knows she can approach you again, although she's young it doesn't mean she doesn't know what she likes.

Don't beat yourself up about your assumption, assuming and disliking something are completely different.

I really don't see the problem with getting her some books. It's not forcing her to choose her sexuality now, it's just offering examples of same sex relationships to go alongside the examples of hetero relationships that she's already been given. Talking about it, normalising it, so that when she does reach a sexual identity (which can change and change again throughout a lifetime anyway), she's got lots of different models she can relate to.

My dd asked me recently how gay couples had babies. From what we have talked about and what she hears at school it sounds like your average 9 yo is more aware of these things than I would have been at 9.

The books I ordered are just fictional books with gay characters in them, they may be something that she can relate to, if not they are just some more books for her to read like the rest of the books she has. I'll save getting the non fiction books for a few years time if she still feels this way and she feels like they would help her.

I just need to watch that I don't make a big deal about not making a big deal about it, which I have a tendency to do.

Does anyone have any advice on what I should do if she does talk to me again about this. I totally understand the not pushing her sexuality at this age comments, and I totally agree with not labelling her as anything, but if, for example, she tells me she has a crush on someone again should I now assume that its a girl she is talking about or how do I deal with it?

What books did you order? I am a bit bemused about what fiction is available for 9 year olds that worries about this stuff. Indeed there are books that involve 2 mums or 2 dads....

You say "that's nice" and don't make a big deal of it.

Another one who thinks you did fine. My DD1 is 8, so only a year younger than yours, and to be honest, I wouldn't take her very seriously no matter who she said she fancied at this age, so no wonder you were taken by surprise.

As for future advice, I would suggest being very casual about it all, just as if it were a boy, and not assume anything about her future crushes either - some people are very secure in their sexuality as young as this (be that gay or straight) while some people take a bit longer to work it out - I suppose it depends where on the spectrum of sexuality a person lies (and I firmly believe it's a spectrum).

Maybe next time she mentions someone she fancies, just say, "Oh, lovely. What's their name?" and leave the gender totally open. I suppose this is something we should all do until we're sure of our children's sexuality.