My dd just told me she is gay and I'm really not sure I handled it well.

[shakinstevenslovechild]

She is 9 and told me that she has feelings for one of her friends, I (stupidly) assumed it was a boy and then she started crying and told me it was a girl.

We hugged and I told her it didn't matter if she had feelings for boys or girls or both and I was proud and pleased that she could speak to me about it and all I ever want is for her to be happy and I would always love and support her etc.

But then I started telling her about different kinds of love, love for friends and love for partners and I upset her all over again and she, once again told me it was girlfriend feelings she has, not friend feelings.

We chatted a bit more about it all and she went to bed quite happy and she said she was relieved to have told me but I feel like I have been totally dismissive of her feelings and messed it all up now by a) assuming it was a boy she had feelings for when she told me and b) going on about loving friends when she blatently told me that it wasn't like that.

Can anyone tell me how I can salvage the open and honest relationship I have with her, and maybe recommend a book or some other way to help her deal with her feelings. She seems to be struggling a bit at the moment, although my 13yo son came in when we were talking and she told him and he said 'I don't care who you love, you will always be stinky to me' and gave her a hug and that seemed to ease her a bit (can't believe he handled it better than I did) she seems to be a bit ashamed just now

[LittleBabyPigsus]

What about groups for gay parents? I realise it's the other way around for you, but it would be child friendly and it would show your DD that being gay is normal. Even if your local one doesn't have a policy on gay children attending, I'm sure if you explained the situation they would be sympathetic.

[LittleBabyPigsus]

Also, maybe show her this post showing 150 years of ordinary lesbians and other women who love other women in pictures? That should show that it's normal if nothing else There are some bare breasts in pictures of protests, but nothing in a sexual context.

[CouthyMow]

My 23yo DBro came out to me last night. Our mother is a raging homophobe. It's been so hard for him, and I just wish he had a mother like you!

[shakinstevenslovechild]

Couthy has he told your Mother yet? I can't imagine how difficult it would be to be brought up by a homophobic parent and then realise you are gay. Thankfully he has you there for support

Little Thank you so much for that link, how great are those photos? Especially the very early ones, how amazing that back in the 1800s some women felt confident enough to be themselves, especially considering how all women were seen back then, I will show dd after school today, she will love those pictures.

Dd and I had another chat last night and, with her agreement, I went to the school today to speak with her HT to see how best both I, and the school, can support her.

He was bloody great. He admitted that this was a new challenge for him, but very quickly came up with a plan, he is going to get the pupil guidance teacher to have a sort of informal chat with dd and then she will have a better idea of her particular needs, they will keep me informed/ask my advice/ support dd any way they can.

And then just as a general thing he is going to take some advice and see how he can make the school a little more diverse, maybe introduce some different books, talk about various things in assemblies, lessons etc, he isn't sure yet but I have another meeting next week to see what he has come up with.

He said it wasn't something he had particularly thought of before now, but this is a bit of a push for them so it's all good, and it isn't aimed at dd in particular but will have the benefit of making her feelings feel more valid to her, maybe give some of the pupils a different perspective than they may have and may even help some other children along the way.

I think poor dd has recovered from my initial crapness and I feel a lot better now too. I can't thank you all enough for your advice and for sharing your experiences, you have all made this so much easier for me and definitely easier for my dd.

[momb]

My DD was convinced that she was gay and had a girlfriend (whose mother was mortified!) when she was 8. A year on she tells me that isn't gay after all and has a crush on one of her friends who is a boy but doesn't love her back.
At 9 everything is a realisation of new feelings, and they spill out everywhere.
You did and said the right things I think. It's difficult to gauge how intensely they are feeling things form one day to the next, so a general comment made one day might be just the right tone, whereas it may feel dismissive the next. Your son sounds lovely. It's sad that she feels different or ashamed of something which should be an exciting time in her life, but the school certainly seem up for minimizing this for her, which must be a great relief.

[anchovies]

What a great headteacher (and what a great mum :))

[HowAboutNo]

I think your DD is very brave and that you must be a pretty awesome Mom if she was able to have that conversation with you.

[CouthyMow]

No, he's not told my mother yet. And probably never will. She is likely to physically attack him if he comes out to her, so it's not exactly a wise idea...

[shakinstevenslovechild]

Thank you all again. I certainly didn't feel like a great Mum at all the other day when she told me, but I think I have turned it around now thanks to the amazing advice and support on here.

I showed dd that link and she found it really interesting. She noticed how people seemed more comfortable in the later pictures as the world began to accept homosexuality, the last ones were from mid 90s so we had a chat about how things have moved forward even since then.

I also told her about the conversation with her HT and that we are all on a bit of a learning curve but we all want to do our best by her and help her however we can.

She seems to be coming around a bit now, the more we talk and the more I show her on the internet the more she accepts that she is completely normal.

It may well be a phase she is going through, it may not, but either way she needs (and now has) support while she figures this out which is the best I could hope for.

She is one tough little cookie that's for sure, the way she is dealing with this, and especially at her age is just amazing.

Couthy I'm so sorry to hear that. Nobody should ever have to live a lie, least of all to their own parent. Thank goodness he could come to you and has your support

[Timetoask]

Forgive me if this come out wrong, but at 9 years old she is still just a child. It is possible that at that age kids are confused about their feelings. Are you sure she understands what she is saying?

[shakinstevenslovechild]

She 100% understands what she is saying. We have talked at great length about kinds of feelings, about whether her feelings are based on just one girl, which they aren't, about where she sees herself in years to come, how long she has felt this way, you name it, we have talked about it.

From what she says she has felt this way for a long time, as long as she can remember really, and at this point its more of a feeling of being different to her classmates rather than wanting to do anything about it.

My initial though was about her age and how can she know, but, I think I said upthread, I knew at her age that I like guys, really I don't see how it's any different for her. Even if she is confused about her feelings, she needs help to work through them just now so the school and I are going to work together to help her while she figures this out.

[Lilka]

What a great headteacher

No child could do better than to have a mum like you who will do their utmost to support them when they are struggling with their feelings

[EmpressOfTheWellOfLostPlots]

Best head I've ever heard of. And this is EXACTLY why they needed to ban section 28!

Your DD is really lucky to have you and her DB.

[MrsDavidBowie]

Shaun Dellenty, openly gay deputy head, runs Inclusion for All....gives fantastic training and support for lots of bodies, including primary schools. I'd recommend your head googling him and maybe arranging to go to one of his training days or at least access his website.
Part of Ofsted is that schools are assessed on how they deal with homophobic bullying.

[StickEmUpBigStyle]

I had feelings at the age of 9, i told my friend i was gay at 10, however i had a boyfriend first, then lots of gfs, i came out then about 16

Then by accident i met a bloke, fell in love, got married and today its been 13 years.

I guess the label now is bisexual. Although as i am married i don't plan on going with anyone else but if he ... Left under any circumstance id be straight back out on the gay scene.

All my gay friends came to my wedding

[BertieBottsJustGotMarried]

And, plus, if she feels different to her classmates then it's worth trying to support her with that anyway never mind if it is a phase.

I don't believe that you can "encourage" or "make" someone gay, they either are or aren't, so even if she realises later that she's actually straight and was confusing strong feelings of friendship and a later development than her peers of "crush" feelings as being gay, it's still positive for her to have had the support with it at the time that she did.

[manicinsomniac]

wow, I think you handled it brilliantly. Better than I would have handled my daughter telling me she had feelings for anyone at all at 9!

My 6 year old is much more outgoing and 'aware' than either I or my 11 year old were at that age so maybe I should get prepared!

You sound like a great family

[shakinstevenslovechild]

I cannot fault the HT at all, I really thought I would be laughed out of there today but he was just brilliant. He fully admitted that this is all new to him and he isn't exactly sure what to do but he is taking her feelings seriously and I know that by the time I have this next meeting (a week on Monday, not next week at as I said upthread, I got my dates mixed up) he will have done some research and will know how to proceed from here, aside from what he has already outlined.

MrsDavid I am going to email that link to the HT, that is just the kind of thing we discussed today so thank you very much for that. There are some great ideas and links on that site and it will be very useful for the school (and me).

Thank you as well everyone who said I did well with this, I feel a bit like I messed up, then got some good advice and managed to pull it together a bit and am now just kind of muddling my way through this as best I can. DS did far better than I did that's for sure. I am so grateful for your support though, it is really appreciated, and unexpected.

[DogsDontFly]

I think the books are a great idea op. You don't have to necessarily give them to her, but have them somewhere they are easily accessible for when she may want to read them. Perhaps let both your kids know they are there and leave it at that. I knew I liked girls from a much younger age than your DD. I wish I had a mum that I could have approached like you. I too hit puberty very early and was way ahead of my peers with emotions feelings etc. keep doing what your doing. like you say you're not going to put her in either box. she feels comfortable approaching you and that is great. Your DS sounds fantastic too.

The idea from other posters, that she thinks boys are annoying and likes her friends is quite dismissive. It sounds very much like 'oh no dear your not gay, you like boys really'. I hope they don't have kids who want to come out one day. It will be a hard experience for those kids, I know from my own family. it caused me a lot of trouble growing up trying to fit the 'expected'. far better to have open arms and acceptance for your children. just because as a parent your not ready for your child to progress into the area of sexuality and relationships, shouldn't mean they should hide who they are.

[shakinstevenslovechild]

Thank you so much Dog

I must say I wasn't ready for this at all, I thought there would be a few more years, if ever, before there would be any chats like this, but here we are It's so interesting to read that you, and many others, knew from a much younger age than dd that you are gay. I don't think I know anyone who told anyone until they were in their 20s, I have no idea when they actually realised, I will make a point of finding out if/when dd is comfortable with me discussing it with people we know.

She is like a changed child this morning, she has walked into school with her head up, her shoulders back and an air of confidence about her today. She isn't ready to tell her classmates yet, but I think the fact that some of the teachers knew yesterday and treated her exactly the same, and the pictures I showed her from the link upthread and the talk we had about them have all made her realise that it isn't just me and ds who accept her for exactly who she is, the world at large will accept her too, and if anyone doesn't then they are in the wrong, not her.

I really can't thank you all enough for helping me deal with this in the best way for dd. I dread to think what I would have done if left to my own devices

[DogsDontFly]

You must feel really proud to see DD so confident today. It's wonderful for her and says a great deal about your relationship. There is no better feeling than the support of a loving parent / family.

[shakinstevenslovechild]

I literally couldn't be prouder of her, she is utterly amazing and I am astounded that a socially awkward, bumbling idiot like me has raised this strong, confident, brilliant little girl (and her equally amazing siblings).

The school came up with a bit of a plan today and asked dd her thoughts on it (after phoning me to check it was ok). They asked of she would like to work on a project, just for her, where she writes down her feelings, maybe makes posters or a comic, whatever she wants, so she can express her feelings and have it all there so she can see how her confidence has risen, and just generally express herself.

However my wonderful dd has said to the school that she would like to turn it into a project that other pupils can use if they need to (without using her name obviously) which the school are very happy about. They have asked me for some input, and they are going to contact various local groups and national charities too and put together something general to use as a teaching tool where appropriate in class, and something more in depth for the next pupil who feels as she does.

She is thrilled that she is helping, the school are thrilled that this will help both dd, and any other pupils who come along with the same feelings, and I am eternally grateful to the school for being so brilliant and for all the advice I got on here.

The school are still looking into other resources and other ways to make the school more diverse and if there is any other support for dd too, but really they have already done so much more than I could ever have hoped for.

[EmpressOfTheWellOfLostPlots]

Your fantastic head might also be interested in this - Stonewall's Primary a School Champions Programme.

[BertieBottsJustGotMarried]

The school sound amazing - considering that I read a thread a year or two ago on here where a child had asked their teacher a fairly innocuous, hypothetical, not personal question about homosexuality and the teacher told them that that was something they'd have to ask their parents as she wasn't allowed to talk about it

The head sounds really switched on and brilliant, for all the kids.

[shakinstevenslovechild]

Thank you for that link Empress I shall email that to the school too, I hadn't found a lot on the internet aimed at primary schools so that looks perfect. I'm not sure who they are planning to contact for advice but Stonewall look like a great place to start

Bertie I don't even know how to respond to that apart from to pull --> this face. I cannot imagine what would have happened if I went to the HT of that school, I probably would have been laughed out of the place.