Male friend wants to leave his wife but thinks she will 'poison DCs minds against him'...

[fortyplus]

That's it, really...

Their relationship has apparently gone from bad to worse in the past few years. Constant rows and his wife tells him at least once a week she'd leave if they could afford it.

They have teenagers plus an 'accident' who is still only 7. So the youngest child is the main concern.

Friend thinks it's time to split but he'd end up financing everything, living in a flat and never seeing his kids.

He's a fantastic affectionate, hands-on dad who does loads with his children. One of his main concerns is that his wife isn't interested in any of the more humdrum aspects of parenting - taking their son to swimming lessons etc.

Now - obviously I'm only hearing his side of the story and I'm sure he has his faults - but is there any way this bleak scenario could happen?

I said it earlier and was ignored. This is legal not AIBU or relationships. Do people on here really think that women are always in the right and men are wrong? There are always two sides to a story and I'm sure he's not perfect but just reading these threads can people really tell who is right or wrong? If he wants to split up he needs to keep it as amicable as possible and to get both of them to put the needs of the children fiirst.

I can see what your saying Pithy, i think its because personal comments were made about the wife , instead of " my freinds splitting up and is worried about ect."

"I don't see my friend's comments in a new light, but I do now realise that there are a whole load of women who have the time to dwell on other people's personal lives to the extent that they post over 500 comments a month on Mumsnet..." What is this?

"Firstly thank you to those who have tried to uphold a sensible view ........ To attempt to satisfy those with over active imaginations.." And this?

Snide and defensive, imo.

I don't feel defensive at all actually because I know exactly what has been said, when and how.

The wife in this scenario has worked from home in a professional role whilst bringing up her family and has enormous creative and artistic talent.

To portray her as some kind of hapless victim is a gross insult to her intelligence.

Portraying her as someone who is fat and willing to let someone else entertain her child is not exactly complimentary to her, though.

From earlier comments about her "I played frisbee with her son while she sat down eating a burger and there's nothing wrong with that. All I'm saying is that I haven't seen anything that would make me think he was talking a load of crap....when I met her she was happy to let other people entertain her youngest." You seem quite judgemental here based on one encounter with her you can't see anything to indicate that what the H says about her being a less than capable parent and capable of poisoning the children's minds against him might be stretching things a bit.

And just because a woman is intelligent, creative, talented, capable of running a business from home and doing well professionally, doesn't mean she can't become the victim of a vindictive man who wants to spread ugly speculation about her among his associates for his own reasons. There are plenty of intelligent women among the ranks of the abused (and battered) in society, many who hold down responsible jobs and return home to an environment that is far from ideal. Many a "hapless victim" of abuse is intelligent, capable and professional. that you seem to imply that anyone who is capable, talented, creative and professional could not possibly be a victim of abuse or ugly behaviour by a spouse.

Well I'm sorry if it came across that way.

The bbq was about a year ago anyway - when I would have assumed that they were happily married because he hadn't said anything to the contrary.

The words he used were 'She doesn't seem to have the energy or inclination for parenting any more'.

Over the time I've known the husband he's always seemed considerate to his wife. No one could have been more surprised than me when he said they didn't have a good relationship.

It's possible that her approach to parenting is different now from how it was when her oldest two were young. This happens sometimes when you have both older and younger children. You move on from the stage where your life revolves around the young children and their needs. 'Surprise' children with older siblings, and children at the end of larger families often experience a different style of parenting from that experienced by the older children. There's sometimes less energy, and sometimes more perspective that age and the experience with the older children brings, that contribute to the difference. And the stress of a relationship going sour can have an impact on every aspect of your life, including parenting, with the best will and the best inclinations in the world.

You can have all the inclination for parenting, but you can do things differently when you have a surprise child long after your previous DCs. This particular woman is also running a business from home, which she may or may not have done when she had her older two. I wonder why she decided to work from home, and if it was so that she could be there for the youngest child? A lot of mums who have older teenage children return to work outside the home, never to look back. Did this woman give that up in order to be home for her youngest? (A woman I know who is my age had a baby two weeks ago neither one of us will ever see 40 again and is contemplating leaving her profession completely and taking up something else, as she will never get back on track after taking what she considers a necessary leave of about three years. She stayed home for her oldest two and feels she owes her little son the same.)

I think this man was quite inconsiderate to leave his wife and son to fend for themselves at the bbq, but that is the only episode of his behaviour I have to go on so no generalisation can be made. I also think that to be telling others your thoughts about your wife's parenting quality/ inclinations, and indulging in speculation about her potential to be vindictive after a possible split is inconsiderate.

I don't think being judgmental or speculating about either party's behaviour is very helpful. There is a tendency to relate someone else's situation to one's own but each case is different. People can believe what they like but without hearing the particular facts from both sides the truth is simply unverifiable.

In my experience families interact in a circular fashion so that when there is empathy and understanding between family members and good communication any problems are resolved constructively improving empathy and understanding. When there is lack of empathy and understanding communication becomes distorted, there are blatant overreactions, difficulties aren't resolved constructively leading to less empathy and understanding etc etc. More often than not no single family member is to blame, rather everyone is implicated in this negative cycle.

Are you really talking about families, STIDW, or the wider 'family' of MNetters on this thread?

Tanga, of course she was referring to the wider " family " of MNetters on this thread.