Male friend wants to leave his wife but thinks she will 'poison DCs minds against him'...

[fortyplus]

That's it, really...

Their relationship has apparently gone from bad to worse in the past few years. Constant rows and his wife tells him at least once a week she'd leave if they could afford it.

They have teenagers plus an 'accident' who is still only 7. So the youngest child is the main concern.

Friend thinks it's time to split but he'd end up financing everything, living in a flat and never seeing his kids.

He's a fantastic affectionate, hands-on dad who does loads with his children. One of his main concerns is that his wife isn't interested in any of the more humdrum aspects of parenting - taking their son to swimming lessons etc.

Now - obviously I'm only hearing his side of the story and I'm sure he has his faults - but is there any way this bleak scenario could happen?

wildfish - thanks

I find that people confide in me quite a lot. I think it's because I try to give a balanced view without taking sides.

I tend to think that most people believe that their actions are justified and reasonable. So where there's a dispute it's often the case that if each side can see why the other is acting in the way that they are then compromise is easier.

In fact the couple who split amicably said that I made a better counsellor than the one from Relate!

dittany - he works full time so I can't imagine so, though I know he often walks the youngest child to school before work.

His wife is self employed and works from home.

One of his main concerns is that his wife isn't interested in any of the more humdrum aspects of parenting - taking their son to swimming lessons etc.

And thats one of his main concerns ? That his wife isnt interested in taking their son to swimming lessons ? It could be worse, she could be slagging him off to a male freind claiming hes going to poisen the childrens minds against him.

I barely know his wife so it wouldn't make any difference to her what I thought.

You might find that actually what you think does make a differance , she might not like you supporting her husband in his horrible accusations , she might object to being discussed like this by you two , and she might well ask you what your position is here and to get your face out of her marriage.

You state hes a fantastic dad yet he slags the childrens mother off and makes ridiculous comments about her. I think your on dodgy ground here, whatever your position is.

Nobody has counselling over a long period of time over swimming lessons ffs , maybe he has affairs, maybe hes a drunk, you really dont know, but i do know this, i too am divorced and i never ever worried that my ex would poisen my childrens minds or that i wouldnt be able to see them , maybe he isnt the great dad he claims he is.

on the topic of the teenager, unfortunately you're not wrong that its too late to poison his mind against his father.

i know of a couple who divorced with three teenage children, oldest of which was 18. mother told children a load of lies about dad and was very emotionally needy and emotionally blackmailed them so they had absolutely no contact with dad for nearly 3 years (not even via phone/email). things are better now, but thats a worst case scenario.

scorned ex wives can have a lot of power over their children, no matter their ages!

I know quite a bit, actually, but I was asking for people's experiences of this situation, not a character assassination...

I've seen him with his kids over an extended period, which is how I know he's a great dad.

It's totally ridiculous that some of you are making such negative judgements about someone you've never met.

Sadly I think he's right to be worried.

dittany - no - I've met her a few times.

fortyplus, the fear of one parent turning the children away from the other parent is a common one when families split up. But such a fear, while understandable, doesn't mean that it will necessarily happen. And either way, that fear is not a reason to stay in a relationship that's dead and with no hope of reconcilliation.

If they're both wanting to end the relationship then maybe a family mediator could help them thrash out a basic agreement regarding contact with the children. Such agreements are not legally binding in the way that a court order is but it's worth a try and is less confrontational than a court case is.

I'd recommend your friend has a realistic think about how he'd like residency/contact to look and, in particular, what would be in the best interests of the children. Then I'd strongly recommend you refer your friend to Families Need Fathers. They're a good bunch.

Thanks - that's really helpful

I know quite a bit, actually, but I was asking for people's experiences of this situation, not a character assassination...

My experience is that it is extremeley unpleasant to have a husband talk about his wife in this way to a person outside his marriage.
My experience is that it is also unpleasant to have a person make judgements about what goes on in your family based on your husbands lies.

Im not saying hes lying or that hes a rotton dad, but it is extremeley disrespectfull of him to be discussing these things with you. Presumably she is still cooking for him and washing his clothes, probably still having sex, while hes complaining to you.

I am so with you dignified - he is being very disrespectful to his dw and his children. It is a shame he does not spend his time constructively. A great father should not moan about his wife in this manner - he should do something positive!!

"A great father should not moan about his wife in this manner"

Erm, have you not seen the Relationships topic on MN? It's chock full of wives moaning about their husbands in this manner, if not worse.

Honestly - he doesn't go around constantly moaning about his wife!

I could have told you that in fact she's very overweight and the times that I've met her she just sits down and doesn't seem to interact with the children at all - but that wasn't relevant to the question I was asking.

He's a really nice, gentle, considerate bloke who spends a fair bit of time voluntarily helping disadvantaged teenagers but according to you lot he's an alcoholic, abusive wife-beating wanker.

Perhaps you should examine your own attitude to men!

And thank you Snorbs and others who have tried to be rather more constructive!

People in bad relationships are allowed to talk to friends about their fears/feelings/anxieties, surely?

Unfortunately, his fears may not be groundless, in that women can, and do, block contact out of spite and tell children lies about it. If he's going to split he needs to be prepared and clued up on how not to end up in the sort of position he describes.

Firstly, he needs to stop rowing with his wife - what is the point if he's decided it's over? He also needs to be calm and as others have said, sort out mediation so that more sensible discussions can take place. And he shouldn't move out of the family home until the child care arrangements have been agreed on, although clearly some element of separate living arrangements would be ideal, within the house.

Joining Families need Fathers is an excellent suggestion.

Finally, if things do go pearshaped and he does end up having to go to court, make sure he asks for an interim contact order to maintain the relationship with the children whilst the longer-term solution is sorted out.

If it is as bad as he says, can he not get his wife to leave the marital home had he get custody of the children??

How would he do that?

Ooh - I missed the slagging off of her- whereabouts is that?

Well if she will not get the children swimming, then why won't he?

Tanga did you miss the word 'some' before women in your post?

Pinkfizzle - you know, I wondered whether to put a qualifier in but thought people might quibble about numbers/evidence etc. I thought it would be clear enough that I didn't mean 'all women', but that it is possible that OP's friends wife could do what he's worried about.

Anyway, I think the implication is that he already does take the child swimming and he's worried that contact might be reduced in the future because he can't. I could be wrong, of course.