Advise on how to report myself to social services.

[LargeGlassofRed]

Ok very long story, will try be brief.

My ex DH and I separated 3 years ago and were divorced 2 months ago.

From the minute he found I was pregnant with new partner he has been difficult to say the least, the babies are 4 months now and I thought things had calmed down but I received a letter from my solicitor today.

Basically he is dragging up things that happened to me in childhood that I told him about during our marriage.
I suffered some abuse from my father as a child, I told no one. I still have contact with my father.
Once or twice a year I see him as he comes to visit and we usually go out for lunch. I have never talked to my father about the abuse.
Earlier this year he threatened to tell my dp so I had to tell him, even though I didn't want to as it had caused so many problems with exdh.
Years earlier he had also told my mum about the abuse against my wishes.
During our marriage he would go into month long moods then say I didn't want sex with him because of my fathers abuse, which is balls I didn't want sex with me because he showed me no love or affection unless he was drunk.

Anyhow finding it hard to write all this down,
Since he found out I was pregnant he has started saying he wants a meeting to discuss my fathers abuse and how to tell our DC's with him and his partner,
who he left me for, and happens to be a local social worker.
I spoke to my solicitors and they have said has my father has only ever seen the dcs for a couple of hours twice a year, and are never left unsupervised they are not at risk.
But ex insisting he still wants this open meeting.

The letter I had today from his solicitor his saying if I don't agree to meet with him and his partner he will report the children as being at risk to social services.

So my thinking is to report it myself so he can't keep threatening me. There is no way I want to discuss this with him and his partner.
My big worry is that I will ring and his partner will answer. She has in the past stated that her job could be effected due to the abuse I suffered.

help

LGofR - you must be absolutely shattered with 5 children and such young twins and can't imagine how this added stress is making you feel. You say that he twists everything you say and I sort of thought that may be the case which is why I suggested getting things down in writing. I don't think you should be involved in having to pay a solicitor to deal with this matter, which seems totally unfair.

Given that you don't want to engage with him and you of course know the history and why this is not going to resolve matters, then maybe the best policy is for you to advise SSD of his concerns and leave it at that. You may have to go into the SSD office and see a duty officer as I am almost sure no-one will be contacting you about this. If you show them the letter from your ex's solicitors and advise them that you have never allowed unsupervised contact between your children and your father, and do not intend to do so in the future, this can be recorded and kept on file. You could also add that you have suffered emotional abuse at the hands of your ex in the past and donot want to engage with him on this matter.

In a sense this will call his bluff as he is "threatening" to report you to SSD and you will have beaten him to it, so to speak.

Starlight - I am not insisting that the OP needs counselling (that is not my place, nor is it anyone else's because as you say, that is a matter for her and I made that point in a post after the OP had said that she didn't feel that was what she wanted/needed). I was simply giving advice - isnt that what everyone does on these threads. And it is a matter of fact that this is a "family secret" though there are secrets in many families and they are never discussed or brought out in the open. Of course it is not my place to say what should happen - I wouldn't be so arrogant, but I was merely pointing out that this is a secret in the family. Given that the OP's ex appears to be somewhat manipulative, he may well make all sorts of trouble in the future about what he knows and I just though it worth mentioning that's all.

I would take issue with you too, as you say "this is the very reason the ex is behaving in this way" - how can you possibly know why the ex is behaving in a particular way when all you have read is a few lines of a post. It amazes me how people on MN are so ready to jump to conclusions, decide that they know why someone is behaving in such a way and to be so certain of this. The Op certainly doens't know why he is behaving in such a way and she was married to him for 11 years! He may not even know why himself!

LGofRred - I really do hope that you can get this sorted out, especially as you must be tired out with young babies and could certainly do without all this stress.

nananina, it may seem that alot of posters "jump to conclusions" about the intentions of OP's exH but alot of posters on MN have been in relationships where this sort of manipulation and emotional abuse has occured and the posters recognise the similarities in this case. of course there may be a genuine concern from the exH but on the information given, it is quite clear that there is something else going on here other than conern for his children. most of the posters have the OP's best interests at heart when they post and would have no reason to 'jump' to any unnecessary conclusions about the exH.

Nananina yes totally shattered, but happy I have a wonderful dp and 5 gorgeous dc's.
I really think exdh doesn't like seeing me happy and that has allot to do with it.

Thanks vinegartits I think so too

I really do value every post, I have never posted about this before and it helps to vent.
I will ring ss on monday and ask to see them so I can get on record with them the precautions I'm taking and so ex can't use it as a threat over me.

mumtoem, youre right I think he will be livid I have contacted them myself.

LGofRed - Glad that you seem to have arrived at a decision (a very good one I think) as to how to put an end to this matter. I do realise that time is at a premium for you with your 5 children, but it might help if you can just type the details of this matter (just a sheet of A4 maybe) not a long script, just giving brief background details and outlining your ex's concerns and stating your intentions related to your father and your children, to hand to SSD so that at least you know what is recorded is factual. It would also save the sws time as Starlight is so right - they just won't have the time or the inclination to get involved in this matter.

A minor point but I wouldn't go to the office tomorrow - Mondays are horrendous in duty offices because there is the stuff that happened over the weekend to deal with as well as new work coming in.

I have just had a thought that it might not be possible to visit and see a duty officer because a lot of SSD offices have stopped this procedure where members of the public can call in to the duty office. I know the one I worked for no longer does this. SO it might be best to phone them and ask what is the best way for you to see a sw to enable you to get this matter discussed and recorded on file. They may advise that you just write to them (or even e mail with your notes as suggested) as an attachment. I am sure they save records on computers now and not on file.

Booyhoo - I take your point and I am amazed at just how many MN are suffering in abusive r/ships. FWIW I too suffered from physical and emotional abuse from a H many years ago. I have also worked for many years with women in violent and abusive r/ships - sorry I'm not trying to score points here as I am sure everyone on here is trying to help and support the OP. It's just that I still think that it isn't helpful to make categoric statements about these abusive men, as each case is bound to be different, though I do accept that there are many traits that have similarity. Incidentally I don't this tendency to jump to conclusions and make categoric statements and even to "diagnose" people's emotional states are just in relation to abusive men. I have noticed it in relation to all sorts of other relationship problems, especially MILS!!(another story) I was once "diagnosed" with Narcissistic Personality Disorder on here by an irate MNetter.

LGofR - I'm sure we'll all be interested to know how you get on (I know I will) and that this matter is finally resolved.

Yes do let us know how you get when you ring SS tomorrow, and keep us posted about cunting xh too

Sounds like you are doing a wonderful job raising your dc, and you sound like a very loving caring mother

thank-you all again, will update when I've called tomorrow.

Nosey supportive bump for update - hope it went well.

very quick update will update more when dc's in bed

SW rang this afternoon and she is happy with the steps I already take, she didn't ask me anything else, but interestingly knew all about the case as exdh already informed them!

she was really nice and said there was no reason whatsoever to meet with ex and gf. (thank god)

Have made a solicitors appointment to write the letter back on Friday.

Oh what a wanker he sounds but you have completely called his bluff LGoR :D

Do enjoy a LGoR this evening :D You deserve one!

Did she say that she'd make sure the GF didn't have access to your records? And did she say anything about the abuse of power? So many questions...

Good for you taking the wind out of his sails

Per, the sw didn't say much about gf I said I was worried about confidentiality and she asked the name again and said she didn't work for that department so hopefully confidentiality shouldn't be an issue.

Although does make me suspicious that I received letter thursday from ex's solicitor and rang Friday and by Monday they knew all about it from him

Anyway the social worker was lovely on the phone, and she said if I have any further problems to call her, she said she was satisfied that I'd done every thing needed and told me not to worry.

You cannot imagine the feeling of relief, Its one more issue that ex can't keep hitting me with.

weblette, I am enjoying a small glass of wine and a huge bar of chocolate as still feeding dt's.

Enjoy your wine and chocolate

oh won't he be furious that he's lost control.

Well done you, glad your mind has been put at rest

Yes he will be livid,
just hope he leaves me alone after this.

Could I help you word the letter to your Ex??

I was thinking "fuck off" would suffice?

would certainly cut the solicitors bill down

I wouldn't spend the money replying via the solicitor you don't have to.

Just ignore him, that will probably wind him up even more

pleased for you glad all turned out well but still report her for abuse of power

I am appalled at how badly this man and his new OH have behaved, and I am filled with admiration at how well you have handled this, LargeGlassofRed. I am also very glad that the social worker you spoke to today was supportive and helpful.

Thanks all, good point about the solicitors letter maybe I shouldn't reply ?

LGR - am also glad you are getting this resolved. What about a very short letter to solicitor, to the effect that you have discussed this matter with SSD and have been assured that they have no cause for concern and you therefore anticipate that this is an end to the matter.

Hello LGR, I've just read your thread and am amazed by your ex's actions.

You must be one very special lady for him to put so much effort into still trying to control you all these years later! Vile, detestible little man that he is.

I wouldn't bother engaging with him anymore. Keep any letters he sends (as evidence if need be), but you don't need to reply, or even read them.

I hope you can put all this behind you now, knowing that you have no moral obligation whatsoever to indulge his "concerns"

Have a chocolate Wispa on me (addicted)