Advise on how to report myself to social services.

[LargeGlassofRed]

Ok very long story, will try be brief.

My ex DH and I separated 3 years ago and were divorced 2 months ago.

From the minute he found I was pregnant with new partner he has been difficult to say the least, the babies are 4 months now and I thought things had calmed down but I received a letter from my solicitor today.

Basically he is dragging up things that happened to me in childhood that I told him about during our marriage.
I suffered some abuse from my father as a child, I told no one. I still have contact with my father.
Once or twice a year I see him as he comes to visit and we usually go out for lunch. I have never talked to my father about the abuse.
Earlier this year he threatened to tell my dp so I had to tell him, even though I didn't want to as it had caused so many problems with exdh.
Years earlier he had also told my mum about the abuse against my wishes.
During our marriage he would go into month long moods then say I didn't want sex with him because of my fathers abuse, which is balls I didn't want sex with me because he showed me no love or affection unless he was drunk.

Anyhow finding it hard to write all this down,
Since he found out I was pregnant he has started saying he wants a meeting to discuss my fathers abuse and how to tell our DC's with him and his partner,
who he left me for, and happens to be a local social worker.
I spoke to my solicitors and they have said has my father has only ever seen the dcs for a couple of hours twice a year, and are never left unsupervised they are not at risk.
But ex insisting he still wants this open meeting.

The letter I had today from his solicitor his saying if I don't agree to meet with him and his partner he will report the children as being at risk to social services.

So my thinking is to report it myself so he can't keep threatening me. There is no way I want to discuss this with him and his partner.
My big worry is that I will ring and his partner will answer. She has in the past stated that her job could be effected due to the abuse I suffered.

help

Am so sorry you are going through this.

My first thought was that he sounds like some of those cases in countries like Afghanistan where a woman who is raped can be lashed etc as a "punishment". Am not sure what he is doing to you is very different to that kind of attitude tbh....he is a low life of the lowest order.....

I agree with others you need to think about support for yourself in dealing with this. Counselling can be very good for dealing with childhood abuse although it may feel very hard as you get started with processing it all.....

Good luck and don't let him get to you.

Don't know why I've never discussed this on here before guess its all just to raw, really thought he had dropped the whole meeting thing as twice my solicitor has written to his to explain that I only see him very infrequently, and they are never left alone with him.

Can I just add that during our marriage Exdh would laugh and joke with my dad whenever he saw him and only came up with the risk stuff when I got pregnant.

I'm glad in a way its all through soliciotors letter, mine thinks exdh is a bully too, and has advised in his letter to me, to call my ex's bluff and let him inform social services, haven't had chance to speak to him about it yet though as dc's around.

Kristen, I know what your saying but having had everything twisted by my ex it makes me very nervous of discussing in again.

i understand. you confided in your husband at the time, who worked in social care and should have had an elementary understanding of the issues affecting survivors of childhood abuse. instead he has used it to bully and intimidate you.

but i think it would really help you to deal with this current situation and also to cope with still seeing your dad, if that's what you want

you could phone womens aid who will know about counselling in your area. i know its a HUGE thing, but you can take it one step at a time

your ex is very fortunate that you have not alleged that he abused your children. that's what some women would do in your situation. his contact would have to be supervised and it might affect his job.

Your ex is objecting to your father having access to your children - the man who abused you as a child.

Sorry, but he has a right and a reason to be concerned.

I'm sure you and your ex have your childrens' welfare as your priority, and you need to communicate.

Want to add my 'he is a total bullying wanker' to the other similar sentiments on here.

I dont know if this will help because its a bit off topic but re the solicitor's letter:

my DS's birth mother (OHs neice) regularly walks in to a solicitor's office when she is bored and get them to send us 'official' letters demanding things and telling us what she is going to do if we dont capitulate.
They are meaningless. She has no power, the solicitor is just doing what they are being paid to do (not by her btw by legal aid).

They know that DS is legally adopted and she has no legal rights but they send the letters anyway. The first few we got really upset us but I tend to ignore them now.

As for the comment that your traumatic history could affect a social worker who happens to be with your ex!!? What toss! Is she as egotistical as he is?

unavailable - you will see that the Grandfather does NOT have unsupervised access to the children

and the ex was not concerned at all until the Op became pg by her new partner

so i am a little suspicious about his motives

thankyou for all your replys I really do value them, It took a long time and a now loving relationship to realize that my ex is a bully, and no matter what I do or say he always will be.

In the letter regarding here Job, (which I will dig out in the morning as in the bedroom under the bed and dt's asleep in there)
It says her registration could be effected if she knows about a risk situation and doesn't report it, or something along those lines

I'd be worried about the people your X cares for, TBH. I think your X is a very dodgy man. It is not at all uncommon for abusive men to work in social care precisely so they can prey on vulnerable people - his treatment of you is textbook (the bullying of you over the abuse you suffered at someone else's hands because forcing you to disclose it turns him on, etc).
SO if his GF is a social worker, she is either a useless fucking numpty of one, or she is risking her job by sleeping with a dodgy predator.

"your ex is very fortunate that you have not alleged that he abused your children. that's what some women would do in your situation. his contact would have to be supervised and it might affect his job."

Kristina - please read back what you posted.

It surprises me that you seem so relaxed at the prospect of a proven child abuser having access to children and at the same time expressing the thoughts above.

Haven't read all of the thread but it sounds to me like your DH is more of a risk to the children than you.

I expect you are in a difficult place and I have not personal experience of what you are going through so this might be a terrible suggestion, but have you discussed this with anyone else? Could you deny it happened and just make your ex out to be mad?

even if he did report it SS aren't going to be that interested are they! They don't seem to be able to cope with children in suitations where they are at risk..

what I am trying to say is please don't let this worry you that they are going to take your children away or anything like that...

i do find this thread bizarre

whilst understanding the case we are all discussing - the underlying issue is ignored

It's not ignored, but it isn't what the OP is about and what it IS about is quite frankly disturbing enough.

There is a risk of abuse by the Grandfather to the children, that the OP is controlling, and there is a risk, and acutal abuse by the exdh that the OP is finding difficult to control and so has asked for help/support.

And the abuse of the OP by her father, whilst horrifying for most of us to imagine, is not the OP's most pressing or damaging issue!

unavailable - you said

" It surprises me that you seem so relaxed at the prospect of a proven child abuser having access to children "

when on earth did i say that??????

the Ops ex is not concerned about his children having supervised access to their grandfather. he is asking for a meeting where his ex will be forced to disclose to her own children about the abuse she suffered as a child, in front of her ex and his current partner. i don't see how that is appropriate

thanks PSM

Agree with KristinaM and others- what he is asking is barmy, and abusive in itself.

I also echo SGB's point about how people like this man seem drawn to careers which give them power over vulnerable people- I have personal experience of this with an ex also, and it is very stressful worrying that he is pulling professional rank purely to bully you. You are not alone in that regard. Good luck- some good advice here.

I would also add (to reinforce to the OP that her X is a bully and a freak) that what he is demanding is actually, potentially, very damaging to the DC. Because he is a sicko, no doubt about it, and he is going to insist on her giving details of the abuse, because this is basically how he gets his kicks. While the DC may well need to know something about what happened, for their own safety (ie why they aren't to be alone with Grandad) it needs to be dealt with carefully, not with the OP in distress and Mr Creep and his equally creepy-sounding GF sitting there smugly saying 'It's for your own good' and probably rubbing each other's thighs under the table.

What a pile of crap.

We foster a child. SS know that both of dh's fathers (step and biological) have abused children. They have not been reported for it.

Every six months they ask (as part of keeping the records up to date) "Has anyone in your family been convicted of abuse or neglect towards children"

and we say "not yet but we're still hopeful".

All SS care about is that we don't let foster dd go anywhere near dh's dads.

The man is an arsehole. I'm so mad at him for you.
I have no more advise other than to echo the good advice already given.
I hope you get it sorted soon.
Congrats on your new arrivals.

just a quickie juggling dts, spoke to my solicitor who agreed good idea to let social services now myself.

So called them this morning and someone will be calling back today,
will update when I've had the call.

largeglassofred i'm sending megastrength through the medium of MN for you.

you are holding together very well.

good luck.

do not be pressured into anything you dont want to do.

Unavailable if you think that someone who wants children to be told details of how their grandfather sexually abused their mother, cares about their welfare, then you have a very peculiar notion of what care for children entails.

FGS. It's v. obvious what this creep is about. If it were any other profession I'd say report the SW GF to her professional body but seeing as SW's have a very patchy record on professional propriety, I'm not sure that would be good advice.

Good luck with sorting it LargeRed