Advise on how to report myself to social services.

[LargeGlassofRed]

Ok very long story, will try be brief.

My ex DH and I separated 3 years ago and were divorced 2 months ago.

From the minute he found I was pregnant with new partner he has been difficult to say the least, the babies are 4 months now and I thought things had calmed down but I received a letter from my solicitor today.

Basically he is dragging up things that happened to me in childhood that I told him about during our marriage.
I suffered some abuse from my father as a child, I told no one. I still have contact with my father.
Once or twice a year I see him as he comes to visit and we usually go out for lunch. I have never talked to my father about the abuse.
Earlier this year he threatened to tell my dp so I had to tell him, even though I didn't want to as it had caused so many problems with exdh.
Years earlier he had also told my mum about the abuse against my wishes.
During our marriage he would go into month long moods then say I didn't want sex with him because of my fathers abuse, which is balls I didn't want sex with me because he showed me no love or affection unless he was drunk.

Anyhow finding it hard to write all this down,
Since he found out I was pregnant he has started saying he wants a meeting to discuss my fathers abuse and how to tell our DC's with him and his partner,
who he left me for, and happens to be a local social worker.
I spoke to my solicitors and they have said has my father has only ever seen the dcs for a couple of hours twice a year, and are never left unsupervised they are not at risk.
But ex insisting he still wants this open meeting.

The letter I had today from his solicitor his saying if I don't agree to meet with him and his partner he will report the children as being at risk to social services.

So my thinking is to report it myself so he can't keep threatening me. There is no way I want to discuss this with him and his partner.
My big worry is that I will ring and his partner will answer. She has in the past stated that her job could be effected due to the abuse I suffered.

help

How did it go, LargeGlassofRed?

Flipping heck! He is completely out of order. There is no need for your children to know what happened to you as a child and your ex is being a complete bully to try and force you.

I would get a solicitor on board as he is being so out of line.

I am so for you.

and so you are divorced from this prick.

unavailable wtf are you on about?

The giveaway is that if he genuinely considered the allegations to be serious enough to report to social services, he would not be hesitating to do so.

I hope the call went ok LargeGlass.

Good for you and what a lot of strength that must have taken on your part.

Call his bluff and pull him and his odious GF out into the open.

I am sorry you are being forced to bring this all up. His intention all along but at least its more on your terms this way.

Any chance of a strong letter from your solicitor re harrassment and threats?

Good luck.

Hoping phone call went well and LargeGlass is feeling less stressed...

Thanks all, they didn't call back, was waiting on tenderhooks all day
Will call again Monday, they were very nice on the phone this morning and asked if I would talk it through with a social worker, which I said I have no problem doing just don't want to do it with ex and gf.

I explained to the lady on the phone I was worried about confidentiality as gf social worker, so she was very reassuring an said my case would be kept confidential.

It appears that I am the only person who is confused about the OP.

I have noted the posts of "unavailable" and "Kristina" who are disagreeing,but am confused.

Does the OP and her ex have children together?

If so, then I think the ex is reasonable in having some concern that his children may be having contact with a known abuser. Not sure what his partner has to do with it. Is it the ex or the partner who is a sw. Whoever it is, it is right to say that if any sw has evidence of a situation where children are at risk and does not report it, there could be consequences. NB I am NOT saying that these children are at risk, I am simply stating the case as I understand it.

If the OP and her ex don't have children together then it is clearly not his business to interfere in any way with the OP's children. At best he is genuinely concerned about the children possibly being exposed to risk of abuse by their grandfather, and at worst is being mailicious.

I do sympathise with you Largeglassofred, but I have tobe honest and say that I find it difficult to understand how you can remain on good terms with your father, and have never challenged him about the abuse you suffered. Also (and I'm sorry to say this as I know it is not necessarily the case) but I have known grandparents who have gone on to abuse their grandchildren in the way that they abused their children. In order to protect your children you would have to ensure that they were never allowed any unsupervised contact with their grandfather, and this could present problems in the future.

Whichever way you look at this, there is a big family secret here that has never been addressed and this is a potentially difficult situation for you. I don't think this is a matter for SSD at all but I do think that you need to consider whether you should may re-visit what happened to you (painful as it will be) via counselling, as these things that have lain dormant for many years can cause immense problems years down the line.

I'm not sure if your twins(?) are your first children or whether you have children with your Ex but now that you are a mother yourself, it may be even more important to get help and support from a good counsellor.

I do hope that you will accept my post in the spirit in which it is written. I am certainly not trying to apportion blame on you in any way shape or form, but just posting my honest thoughts on the matter.

Nananina: while it may be that the OP would benefit from some counselling over what happened to her, the more pressing problem right now is her abusive XP who is trying to force her to disclose her past to her DC because he gets a thrill out of it (which is obvious from the way he has a) told other people about it against her wishes and b) used the fact of it to bully her in the past.

Nananina,

Yes my ex and I have 3 children together and were married 11 years.
The Dc's do not and have never had unsupervised visits with my father. He lives along distance away and he only visits once or twice a year for a couple of hours, he also sends birthday and christmas money to dc's.

I did not say I remain on good terms with him, it is very difficult to explain the abuse was a part of my childhood yes, but also a big part of my childhood was happy and loving and I have found memories of holidays, christmas etc.

I don't think I need to let out the 'big family secret' he is old it was a long time ago, and its almost like picking at a scab that has healed.

It did effect me as a teen and young adult but I feel I found my way through that.

God I'm rambling, very tired.
Just don't feel I should have to talk it through or go through counciling just want to be left alone to get on with my life. and not have ex keep bringing it up.

SGB - sorry but I don't think any of us are in a position to decide that the Ex "gets a thrill out of it" from the little that we have heard about this situation. I am always amazed at how quickly some MNs are able to jump to such conclusions and be so categoric in their posts. I am quite ready to believe that the Ex is motivated by something quite malicious or unpleasant but I think it going a step too far to talk of him "getting thrills" etc.

AND sorry but I am still confused. Is the ex wanting the OP to tell the 4 month old babies about the abuse?! Not only would they not understand but if this is the case, then this is clearly not his business. BUT do the couple have children together and if so how old are they and what exactly is the ex wanting - is he wanting to protect his children (which would be reasonable) or is he wanting the OP to tell these children about the abuse she suffered (which would be wholly unreasonable)

Largeglassofred - sorry but I do think the children's father has a right to be concerned that his children might be at risk of abuse from your father. You say you have been separated for 3 years so I don't understand why these concerns have just arisen, but may there is a reason. I would have thought that he would have been concerned from the time you separated. Maybe that is a reasonable question to ask of him. I don't think it reasonable that your children should be told of the abuse, but that they are protected from suffering the same fate.

It is clearly a matter for you as to whether you have counselling or not and it is certainly not for me (or anyone else) to say more on the matter.

If I have understood this:

The OP is telling us that her ex is demanding she discloses her father's abuse of her, in a meeting whilst children, ex, social services and GF are present.

He and his GF are concerned that the abuse of the OP will affect their careers in social care.

The OP has stated several times that she does not allow unsupervised access with her father and children. He is not a regular visitor and does not appear to be a danger to the children under these circumstances.

The problem appears to be her EX demanding the OP discloses abuse that happened a long time ago. His demands seem to be prompted by her being pg by her new partner.

Its hardly uncommon for abusive men to become more so when a present or ex partner becomes pg.

Its not uncommon for adults abused as children to maintain relationships with their abusers, particularly if they are close family members.

We spend our lives trying to make our relationships with our parents perfect, even when there is little hope.

It is up to the OP if she wished to disclose. Why on earth should she be forced to do so. Its also up to her if she wants to relive this abuse through counselling. She appears to have worked her own way through this horror. She is cetainly strong enough to stand up to her wanker of an ex.

Sorry - large appear to be taking over

Good luck for Monday. This is your bloody story, not your dickhead ex's or his deluded GF's.

Do you know what you need to do - you need to get your solicitor to report them for abusing their positions within social services to bully you!

Nananina- OP has already said that her father never is left alone with teh children on the rare times that he does see them

yes she has children with her ex.

her ex has requested that she sits these children down with her, the ex and the ex's girlfriend and tells the children that she was abused as a child by her father.

the ex has threatened to tell ss that the children are at risk of being abused bt the grandfather if OP doesnt comply with his wishes.

xpost chegirl

his 'concern' only started when I became pregnant with dt's the first solicitors letter was a week after I told him.

I understand concern too but through the solicitors he has been told about access many times. But he still wants me to meet with him and his GF to discuss the abuse, which is what I don't want to do.

i think we can safely say that the ex's priority is not that the children will be abused. if it were then he would not be waiting for OP to tell the children of the abuse, he would already have told SS.

FGS. ~It is bloody obvious that the OP's ex has no regard whatsoever for the welfare of his children.

Nobody with any sense in their head believes that it is right for a child to be told that their mother was sexually abused by their grandfather. Nobody. And that is what the OP's ex is demanding, is that not clear to those of you blathering about his justified concern? Why are some people determined to see what is not there? Is it really not obvious that this man is willing to abuse his children (because that's what it would be to tell them - emotional abuse) in order to punish his ex-wife for not being under his control?

I still dont understand why his GF thinks this has anything to do with her. What is going on in her head? Bizarre.

Booyhoo dont be .

sorry crossed posts,
yes thats right chegirl thanks for sumerising.

How DARE he demand that a victim of abuse discuss that abuse with her enemies.

FGS those of you blathering on about his concern - are you really so blind?

I just can't believe this, Glassofred I'm outraged on your behalf.

LargeGlass

Coming at it from a slightly different angle. In some ways you could be my mum (no offence meant ) - she (and her siblings) were abused by my grandfather when they were growing up. She has never had councelling and only told my brother and I when we were in our mid to late teens. Why? because we were going up to stop in the holiday cottage next door (only 2 beds, with 2 adults, 2 girls and 1 boy) and my grandparents had offered to let my brother stay with them. As my grandfather had abused both daughters and son, mum wasnt too happy with the idea but she told us what had happened and let my brother make his own mind up as to where he would sleep (on couch in holiday cottage, if you are wondering). Up until then I had no idea, and mostly adored my grandfather (he has a beastly temper at times, hence mostly). Looking back, we were never allowed to stay with them if both my parents were going out, unlike with my other grandparents, and in fact were almost never left alone, if we were it was for minutes. As with you, we live a good distance away and so only saw him/them a couple of times a year maximum.

I suppose what I am trying to do is give a grandchilds point of view from the same situation. We were never in any danger, in fact the one time my grandfather and uncle stayed over at our house, my mum stayed awake all night to ensure nothing happened. Mum, as I have said, has never had any councelling, and has a working relationship with her father, in fact she is power of attorney for him and executor of the will (I believe), the one child who actually stood up to him all those years ago (and ever since). I don't think you should tell your children until such a time as they need to know, and even then not give all the details, I am certain that mum gave us the minimum she had to in order for us to understand (and had a large helping of dutch courage to support her at the time). Also tell them each when is appropriate for that child. Although mum told my brother and I at the same time (2 year age gap) she didnt tell my sister until many years later, as there is an 8 year age gap between my sister and I and it was not appropriate for her at that time.

I hope everything goes alright for you with SS, I will keep checking back because if you do everything to ensure he does not have unsupervised visits, AFAI am concerned there is no reason for them to feel your children are at risk, and will hopefully be able to tell your delightful ex and his gf where to go.

i still dont understand why its anything to do with either of them.

I found the letter today about it affecting her Job

it says
' the situation may put 'gf' in a compromising situation in respect of her registration'