Advise on how to report myself to social services.

[LargeGlassofRed]

Ok very long story, will try be brief.

My ex DH and I separated 3 years ago and were divorced 2 months ago.

From the minute he found I was pregnant with new partner he has been difficult to say the least, the babies are 4 months now and I thought things had calmed down but I received a letter from my solicitor today.

Basically he is dragging up things that happened to me in childhood that I told him about during our marriage.
I suffered some abuse from my father as a child, I told no one. I still have contact with my father.
Once or twice a year I see him as he comes to visit and we usually go out for lunch. I have never talked to my father about the abuse.
Earlier this year he threatened to tell my dp so I had to tell him, even though I didn't want to as it had caused so many problems with exdh.
Years earlier he had also told my mum about the abuse against my wishes.
During our marriage he would go into month long moods then say I didn't want sex with him because of my fathers abuse, which is balls I didn't want sex with me because he showed me no love or affection unless he was drunk.

Anyhow finding it hard to write all this down,
Since he found out I was pregnant he has started saying he wants a meeting to discuss my fathers abuse and how to tell our DC's with him and his partner,
who he left me for, and happens to be a local social worker.
I spoke to my solicitors and they have said has my father has only ever seen the dcs for a couple of hours twice a year, and are never left unsupervised they are not at risk.
But ex insisting he still wants this open meeting.

The letter I had today from his solicitor his saying if I don't agree to meet with him and his partner he will report the children as being at risk to social services.

So my thinking is to report it myself so he can't keep threatening me. There is no way I want to discuss this with him and his partner.
My big worry is that I will ring and his partner will answer. She has in the past stated that her job could be effected due to the abuse I suffered.

help

Oh bollocks! Why? Why should her registration be affected by your situation. It is not abusive or neglectful to withhold information re abuse from your children. The children are not being put in a position of danger by you.

So how is she affected at all? If she had serious concerns that your children were at risk she would be required to share this information. She has not. Therefore she is a)talking a load of bollocks or b) not fulfilling her obligation as a SW.

Either way does not require you to sit down and tell a room full of people and your kids what your father did to you.

Or am I missing something vital here?

Largeglassofred I'm outraged on your behalf, exd is being an arsewipe.

If you don't get a response by 11am on Monday if your alone and able to phone back I would call back and then call back every hour till you speak to someone who gives you confidence to talk to.

Personally I think it would be best to make an appointment for them to come and see you at home or you go to the offices just because you can show them the letters etc..

It sounds like you have worked your way through what has happened to you and your trying to get on wiht your life. I don't even know that social services need all the details of the abuse that took place just an idea of the type and how long and the fact that you stood up to him/have a relationship with your father now.

I assume exd & his gf work for the same council as your live in? In which case I would put a complaint in against their behaviour for abuse of position/threatening behaviour etc..They are both bullying you/harrassing you, not the sort of thing anyone needs and the best of times especially with a 4month old baby who is probably started to teeth etc.... Babies are stressful enough without this sort of crap being thrown your way.

He is obviously jealous of you and your new partner.

It is YOUR choice to tell your children about the abuse you suffered IF YOU want to, nobody has a right to make you or suggest you do. Its your decision, you may decide not to tell them and if thats what you decide that fine its your decision.

You've obviously told your exd when you trusted him and he is abusing that trust and should know better especially if he and his gf work in a social work environment!

I wish you the best of luck on Monday, I suspect that SS might wish to discuss the situation with you but unlikely to put your children on the at risk register.

Please update us and let us know how you get on best of luck xxx

No, thats exactly what I think chegirl

i am sure abused people see this thread in a slightly different light

parp

no offence largeglassofred and all the best sorting this out

'the situation may put 'gf' in a compromising situation in respect of her registration'

If this was a genuine issue -

• she could just tell her colleagues about it and let it be taken from there, or
• she could just stop going out with your XH.

Trying to shift that onus onto you proves that they haven't got a leg to stand on.

JCOSS - as an abused person myself, I wouldn't be so sure.

JCOSS-the OP is the abused person here.

Isn't this debate getting a bit clouded with this thing about the GF's registration as a sw. I think that is something of a red herring.

LargeGlass - sorry to stillbe asking questions, but is that seriously what your ex wants, i.e. to sit in a room with you and your children (how old are they by the way) and his GF and tell the children about your abuse? If so then yes I agree with all the posters who are saying this is totally unacceptable and quite ridiculous and could cause emotional harm to your children. Whether you ever tell them is a matter for you and no-one else. If he is truly concerned about his children's welfare, then what he is proposing (if I now have it right) is NOT going to protect them. They are going to be protected by your being absolutely determined that they are never left alone with your father, even for a very short time.

If the GF is a sw I cannot really believe that she thinks this is the way forward to ensure that the children are protected.

Was your ex content for the children to have twice yearly contact with their grandfather during the years that you were married. If so, what has changed now? If he is just trying to be difficult then he is not being very clever about it, because anyone (social worker, solicitor or whoever) would clearly see that his proposals are unacceptable and are not going to do anything to protect the children, which really is his only legitimate concern.

SSD are under incredible pressure with work and will be unlikely to see this as a priority and at the end of it all, so long as you are willing to give an undertaking that you will not allow any kind of unsupervised contact between the children and your father, there the matter should end.

Does the ex have contact with the children. If so, is he likely to tell them himself?

Sorry to appear thick but something is just not stacking up here unless I am missing something, but it's late now so it might be me.

nananina,

My ex wants to have a meeting about the abuse with him his gf.
He also wants the dc's told who are 11,9,6. not sure if he wants this as part of the same meeting?

He had no issues with the contact during our marriage or when he left me, it was only when I told him about my pregnancy with dp that the letters started.

Look, it's blindingly obvious that what the X wants is to degrade and humiliate the OP in the guise of 'helping' her. LGOR you actually need to get your solicitor to write to him and say this meeting will not be happening because your life is NONE OF HIS BUSINESS. And that if he continues to pressure you in this way you will have him charged with harassment. You might also suggest that if he tells the DC you will stop him contacting them as you consider his behaviour abusive (by telling them things that may harm them, against your wishes). Basically this man needs a good kicking standing up to very firmly. He is WRONG in everything he is asking and ABUSIVE himself.

thanks SGB, I am going to see my solicitor to sort out letter back next week after I have talked to ss.

He is has the dc's today but my mum is dropping them off thank god.

LGofR - do you know what your ex anticipates would be the purpose of such a meeting. On the face of it, it seems wholly unreasonable. It is also unreasonable of him to want you to tell your "joint" children - again what purpose would this serve?

If he had no concerns about any contact between your children and your father whilst you were married, then it is unclear as to why he is now concerned. OR is it that his concern is now centred on the potential risk to your babies from your father, given that this has all started since the birth of the babies. This is not really his concern though it somehow seems to be tied up with this business of his GF's registration as a sw. Incidentally what is your present partner's view of the situation.

As I said before if a sw has evidence that children are being significantly harmed or likely to be significantly harmed and does nothing about it, then it is not beyond the realms of possibility that there could be consequences, though hardly likely to result in de-registration. Many years ago when I was a sw in a l.a. SSD one of my s.w. colleagues confided in me that she suspected her partner was abusing their daughter. She was afraid of her partner and was refusing to do anything about it. I did tell my colleague (and she was a friend too) that if she continued to "stick her head in the sand" I would report the matter to our Area Manager and then it would be a matter for him to decide what to do. In the end this is the action that I took and he initiated an investigation. This was a child of 4 years and the partner was caring for her on a full time basis. I won't go into what happened because that isn't relevant.

IF your Ex's GF has EVIDENCE that any of the children in this family are suffering significant harm or likely to suffer significant harm, then she should report the matter to one of her managers. However from what you say she does not have any such evidence.

I think it's time to ask your Ex some Qs. to try to unravel what he is actually wanting and for what reason, e.g.

1. What exactly is the nature of your concerns related to my past abuse.

1. Which children are you concerned about, our children, my children or all the children.

1. Do you have any reason to believe that our children are at potential risk from my father. If so please give details of your concerns in this respect.

1. Do you have any reason to believe that my newly born babies are at any risk from my father. If so please give details of your concerns in this respect.

1. Why have your concerns arisen in the recent past when you had no such concerns during the 11years of our marriage.

1. Please explain in what way your GF should be involved in this matter. Please also explain on what basis you feel that your GF's registration as a sw. should be affected by my past abuse.

1. What exactly is the purpose of the meeting that you are proposing and who do you anticipate being present at this meeting. What exactly are your expecting to be the outcome of this meeting.

1. What exactly is the purpose of your wish that our children should be made aware of the details of my past abuse.

I just think there needs to be some clarity injected into this situation because you still seem to be unclear about what is wanting and why. Could you put something in writing to him with the above type of questions, which will actually put him on the spot to respond. Ask for the response in writing. Maybe you could put this request to his solicitor in response to the letter that you have received.

I think if you do this, you need to acknowledge that you appreciate he has a legitimate right to be concerned about HIS children. You could add that you are willing to give a written undertaking that none of your children will ever have unsupervised contact with your father, pointing out that you as their mother are totally committed to ensuring that your children are kept safe and are not ever going to put them in a position where they will be exposed to any potential abuse from your father or indeed from any other person.

If you do this, you will be perceived by sws/solicitors as a highly reasonable and responsible parent and if your ex is being malicious this will be highlighted. If you ask the type of Qs I suggest he will have to clarify his intentions/motivations etc.

LArgeglass,
So sorry you are going through this.
Its blindingly obvious that your ex is jealous and pissed off that you have moved on from him by going and having more children. His own life is shit and thats why he's obsessed with yours, hence these "concerns" beginning after you got pregnant.
your ex sounds like a horrible piece of work and you have got lots of good advice on here.
I have had lots of experience in dealing with people like your ex and the best advice I can give is to not enter their little fantasy world. Its really easy to start believing that their version of reality is the truth.(wtf has any of this to do with your ex's new GF, for example?) You have to keep stepping back, gaining perspective and realising that their threats and stories are just fantasies. Mumsnetting helps with this. Its hard because you get so wrapped up in their way of seeing things, but when you start speaking regularly to people like your solicitor or a social worker it will help a lot.

NanaNina - I can see you mean well, but why does largeglass need to engage with her X any more than she has? She's told him that her father doesn't see the kids alone - has already made written undertakings via solicitor and he was fine with that contact previously, but asking all those questions just gives him an opportunity to come back with more bullshit IMO. Fine if she wants her solicitor to do it though - as long as she doesn't have to read the replies herself .

Hoping LargeGlass has a large glass tonight and gets XH and his GF de-regged on Monday

I still think there is an element of confusion here and to be honest I think a lot of posters are "fuelling" this situation and making all sorts of comments about the ex which may or may not be true but which are not based on any evidence at all. Sakura's being a case in point. I really can't see how anyone can come to these conclusions on such scant information. FWIW I don't think all this righteous indignation expressed by the majority of MN posters on this thread is really helping the OP. The point is that she was abused as a child and whether we like it or not, there is a wealth of evidence that parents who abuse their children very very often go on to abuse their grandchildren. After 25 years in social work I am afraid I am too well aware of these predatory men who will stop at nothing sometimes to continue with their abusive behaviour. PLEASE note I am NOT saying that the OP's father is in this category but it is possible.

PerArdua - I must have missed the post where it says that the OP has already given written undertakings to the solicitor? FWIW I think LargeGlass is still confused herself about what her ex is wanting and is in something of a panic. I just feel that by unravelling what he is wanting will help clarify this matter once and for all. It is only by being clear about his motivation/intention/concern whatever can any decision be made about how (and if) to respond in any way. The thing is the OP and her ex have children together and I think they do need to communicate about any concerns that either of them have about matters related to the welfare of the children. I am in no sense saying that the ex's concerns are genuine or legitimate, but refusing to discuss his concerns is not going to move things on. I think the OP needs to be supported by her present partner as he is the father of the new babies. We don't know anything about his take on the matter

If his answers to the type of Qs I suggest are bullshit then this will be abundantly clear because they will be in writing.
If he can't/won't answer or the responses are bullshit this will expose him and there the matter should end.

I really don't think SSD will be at all keen to be involved in this matter unless they are being given concrete evidence that any of the children in this family are at risk of abuse from their grandfather. All SSDs are horrendously overworked and are struggling to cope with their statutory responsibilities, let alone getting involved with stuff like this.

I note LGofR is going to see her solicitor and yes maybe she/he can respond to the ex's solicitor, in the way I suggest. And yes of course the OP should look at the replies, so that she can make an informed decision about whether the ex has any legitimate concerns.
If she refuses to engage in the process she will look unreasonable and the ex will be able to complain further that she won't engage with his concerns.

I think if there is to be a meeting then it needs to be very carefully handled and the OP needs to ensure that she is well supported by her P or trusted friend/relative who is capable of keeping a clear head and remaining calm. But before proceeding with a meeting I think it reasonable to ask the sorts of Qs I was suggesting which would inform the OPs decision as to whether she is prepared to go ahead. She sounds afraid of her ex and needs to be supported.

Incidentally LargeGlass am I right in thinking that you have 5 children under 11, including twins of 4 months? If so, then I think you have an awful lot on your plate and need to get whatever support you can.

NanaNina, yes I have 5 children including 4 month old twins.

I have communicated him through solicitors for the last year, I have offered to talk through his concerns with just him. at first but he wouldn't agree to that.
Although wouldn't want to do that now.

I don't want to communicate other than by writing as he is very good at twisting things and turning round what I have said.

I have evidence of this when he threatened me on the phone when I was with my solicitor and later twisted it all around.

I don't want to discuss abuse with his girlfriend.

I have asked questions before and it usually fuels things even more, so after advise, I don't get into unnecessary dialog with him.

He does not have concerns for twins and neither does my dp.

Can I just point out again, my father has never been left with dc's and never would be. The 2 visits a year last for a couple of hours.

I do not understand, why ex is doing this as I don't understand allot of his behavior towards me.

I have very limited funds to keep doing solicitors letters.

Why did all this happen after i told him I was pregnant?

I fully expected it, he was generally awful when I was pregnant with my other dc's, I have no idea why, but me being pregnant always fueled his moods, drinking and emotional abuse

You will have to excuse by bullet point style of writing, sleep depravation and I'm juggling babies

phew! Just read whole thread... To be honest if you really think that your children are not at risk then why don't you just ignore your ex? Let him report you to social work if he wants to - what do you have to fear? I wouldn't waste any more money on solicitors letters re this

LGoR you are doing the right thing by refusing to engage in dialogue with him. by doing so would be giving him what he wants which is control over your emotions and actions. he has no right to this.

nananina, i do believe you have the best interests of all at heart with your advice but OP has stated several times that her children arent at risk. i think that for OP to gain control of her situation she must remain firm on the issue of not discussing it with her exH and also she has no need to clarify any of the points you mention. she knows his intentions and to enquire further would be to prolong her suffering, which it seems is what her exH is intent on.

LGOR you have had some very good advice on this thread (some not so helpful but..) i dont think there is any confusion here, your xh is a maniplulate bully and you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss with him OR his Gf (i mean wtf?) He has already had clarification from you that the dc are not at risk. That should be the end of it. He sounds like an utter wanker.

BTW your dc are just beautiful (been nosing at your profile)

I think some people are giving advice based on the assumption that "there are always 2 sides to every story" and "he must have a reason why he's concerned". Some people persist in trying to believe that everyone is reasonable and there is this middle way and compromise that can be arrived at, even when it is obvious that one party in the conflict is utterly beyond reason. It's understandable, we're all brought up to believe that most people are reasonable at base and if you just talk to them and address their concerns, they will start to act reasonably; but unfortunately in the real world, some people are simply unable to respond to reason and there's no point pretending they are.

LGOR, I think you have done the right thing going to SS yourself. Hopefully you will get somewhere with them on Monday.

If you exH says anything to you about it before you have a meeting with SS, you can just tell him thay you have already been in touch with SS and that they are aware of averything. That will probably scare your exH for 2 reasons. 1) it means it is not in his control and 2) he will be wondering exactly what has been said. Then sit beack and let him stew.