Threatened with court

[BeCleverShark]

My children don't want to stay at their dads anymore on a 5050 basis following emotional distress at his property. My daughter flatly refuses and my son is slowly building up his nights based on his own wishes (3 nights in 6 weeks). My ex is blaming me and saying the kids have an issue with him having a girlfriend. They don't want to meet the girlfriend but the issue was when he was shouting at them, backing my daughter into a corner, swearing, refusing to feed them and eventually shut them out of his house as he knew I was on my way for them). He is now threatening legal action as I have gone through CMS. My kids are 11 and 14. Has anyone else gone through this? I don't understand why he would do this when the kids are the ones saying directly to him (especially my daughter) that they don't want to see him or spend 5050 with him.
When he does talk to them, he always brings up the girlfriend as if that's the issue and not the way he has treated them whilst they're in his care.

have you posted about this before?

Let him take it to court. He’s threatening at this point. He hasn’t done it yet.

Ignore his threats. If it actually gets to court the 14 year old won't be made to go if she doesn't want to and the 11 year old will be listened to

No I've not posted before. I'm so upset that he'll put the kids through a cafcass meeting just to prove a point. I am encouraging my son to see him and supporting my daughter's wishes that she doesn't want to.
I am protecting my kids and am being child led in this and he won't drop the fact he thinks I'm witholding them. I have screenshots of them refusing to go

Has anyone been to court with a similar situation? How did it turn out?

Let him take you to court. Your daughter is 14. They will absolutely take her feelings into consideration.

Threats like this are usually just that, threats. Simply to make you change your actions. As PP said, if it ever did go to court, your 14 year olds opinion would be taken into consideration. Given his actions, I doubt he wants his failings aired in court.

Your dd is plenty old enough for her to tell the relevant people that he is aggressive and seriously nasty towards her and her brother.

I'm thinking because you claimed through CMS this is what has motivated the court process. This happened to me, though my children are younger cafcass would still be involved but their views would certainly be considered. I can completely understand why you want to avoid the process, my ex said it was alienation etc went on for over a year and it was so upsetting. Usually the family courts would recommend mediation first if no domestic abuse allegations have been made. Is this something you have looked at?

He has got a miam certificate and has told me they'll contact me. I'll tell them why this has come about but I don't want mediation with him because this is not me stopping him, its the kids that don't want to go. I did mediation with him for the divorce and it was horrible. He spikes my anxiety massively. Would the actions that he has displayed class as DA? I know I can avoid it if it is classed as that. Thank you for all your replies by the way. I appreciate it

It takes months for family court cases to be heard most of the time. Even if your ex follows through, the case isn't likely to be heard any time soon and by then will your son be 12? He will be listened to.

Saying that there are cases I have read on here where fathers have manipulated family court against the mother by claiming alienation, so do be careful to evidence everything and ensure you are squeaky clean and can be seen to be the caring, sensible parent.

If your children can report the emotional abuse to school that would help too.

You're right though, this is all because I went through CMS. He hadn't seen them for a month and I was struggling to pay everything. He tells me he has no money but I know what he was earning 3 years ago and his job has advanced.
We have done everything privately up until now and he has lowballed me at every point.

My daughter is in regular contact with pastoral at school and nurture
I have saved all WhatsApp messages and refuse to speak on the phone. I am supporting my son to see him and am delivering clean uniform for him but am still getting the blame

I’d say refusing them food, locking them out and physically threatening behaviour would all be classed as child cruelty. It’s tempting to say “see you in court” with that behaviour from him.

You can request shuttle mediation. You and ex sit in different rooms and the mediators go from one room to the other.

Let him take you to court. No UK judge will force the 14 year old and the 11 year old will be listened to- especially if he’s 12 by the time that the case is heard.

Just out of interest, considering how awful ex was to dd, why are you encouraging overnights with ds? I’d be very concerned that ex could be grilling ds when they have contact and pressuring him to talk to dd etc If his behaviour towards ds is different because he’s a boy or something random then don’t discount him using ds to punish dd too.

I am supporting my son to see him and am delivering clean uniform for him but am still getting the blame

This is because you’re no longer under his full
control. You obviously deliver the uniform so that Ds can go to school as usual but he wants the old dynamic back where you, Ds and Dd are under his full and total control. Even if he had 50/50, he’d be blaming you and making you feel like shit.

Supporting dd is the right thing to do. Blaming the ex for poisoning the kids and not reflecting on his own behaviour is a classic deadbeat move.

Ds wants to see his dad but on ad hoc. Ex is trying to push for more nights but ds doesn't want that right now and he knows that if he tells me he doesn't want to, I won't force him. I want them both to have a relationship with their dad but I want them to feel safe. His actions are what is keeping DD from seeing him and I'm respecting her view. She is calmer and happier here and is doing better at school etc.
Ex had a baby and told us in August last year. Baby was born in October and he now doesn't see baby. This caused a lot of upset with DD and was the start. The shouting and aggression were the tin lid for her. Ds still wants a relationship with him.

Yes, very, very similar. I will DM you.

I’ve been through very similar. All the threats of going to court because he wanted more time and DC didn’t want to spend any nights at all - aged 11 at the time. Had mediation and we were then referred to family counselling before court. Took 10 sessions and in the end he had no choice but to back down. During the whole time he refused to increase his CMS payment and even when he did, it was never backdated and he never willingly gave me a penny for the 7 months I should have had full time payment. Now he never sees his child and has a sad, lonely life. You really should try mediation as they can involve the children at this age and will listen to what they want.

He'll be laughed out of court @BeCleverShark social services will be all over him like a rash I'm sure. I imagine the children will be and should be heard.
He must have lots of money to even attempt it.
Be kind to yourself and your young children.
Good luck with it all. Be strong, he sounds very unpleasant xx

We had a court order...exh actually had more time than me with the dc and he made it very difficult for me to see them ..at 12 and 14 they went nc with him. I expected him to go nuts..but in fact he didn't even text me.
I assume your ex wanted 50/50 to avoid cms...

Social services are unlikely to be involved at all here. Cafcass will complete a report and recommendations to court. They don't involve social services as a rule. Sadly he won't be laughed out of court however he won't get what he wants due to their ages.

Insist on child inclusive mediation before any court action
be careful to keep all communication civil and factual
dont rise to any provocation
keep your stance that you have no agenda and are happy to facilitate contact but won’t force the children, especially now they are older
Look after yourself through this as much as you can and get breaks from the situation however you can
youre staying calm for your kids and doing all the parenting, it’s heavy
all the best xx

Thank you everyone. I have responded to the mediation invitation declining it and explained why. Apparently that's all I need to do to cover myself legally at this stage. I can't see him paying for court but if he does, I have everything screen shot and a notes app ready to burst. He will completely ruin his relationship with both kids at this rate. He's fuming that he has no control over this and I am completely child led

Does this mean the kids need to be present? I don't want mediation with him because I'm giving him a stage and I have tried so hard to explain the kids stand points to him but he's a bully hence pushing to force them into 5050 again.
My daughter especially doesn't want to take part in any mediation with him. She was offered it at a Dr appointment and she immediately started to panic at the thought