Threatened with court

[BeCleverShark]

My children don't want to stay at their dads anymore on a 5050 basis following emotional distress at his property. My daughter flatly refuses and my son is slowly building up his nights based on his own wishes (3 nights in 6 weeks). My ex is blaming me and saying the kids have an issue with him having a girlfriend. They don't want to meet the girlfriend but the issue was when he was shouting at them, backing my daughter into a corner, swearing, refusing to feed them and eventually shut them out of his house as he knew I was on my way for them). He is now threatening legal action as I have gone through CMS. My kids are 11 and 14. Has anyone else gone through this? I don't understand why he would do this when the kids are the ones saying directly to him (especially my daughter) that they don't want to see him or spend 5050 with him.
When he does talk to them, he always brings up the girlfriend as if that's the issue and not the way he has treated them whilst they're in his care.

Remember that he will use your fear of involving the children as a way to bully you and force you to do what he wants. I was also very scared of that and wanted to avoid it at all costs but in the end had to have an honest conversation with DC and say - this is what you want and you may have to go to court to fight for it. The only way to avoid it is to have mediation and counselling. It was horrible for all of us but it worked. One thing I’ve learned is that you can’t shield your children from being hurt by their father. You have to let it happen and teach them how to deal it with - otherwise they will never learn and will always be hurt. All the best of luck.

It's awful isn't it. My thoughts are to hold off on any mediation and wait and see if he takes me to court. Then cafcass will speak to the kids in their school day. My daughter won't do it in mediation and my son is already seeing him (just not 5050) so it wouldn't make sense to force him into anything. Both kids know about cafcass because I explained it to them when they came home and asked me to take their dad to court so they could be with me 100%. I laid everything out for them. My son is seeing his dad on his terms now, why would he risk that?

in my case I think it was a mixture of power - he wanted to win - and also appearances, he wanted to be seen as a good dad, and also about money as he didn’t want to give me any more money. The one thing he didn’t care about was his child’s feelings or wishes. But in the end that backfired and he is the one who lost out and now sees them for 10-15 min once in a blue moon.

Refusing mediation will not go in your favour in court. Go to mediation and see about doing child inclusive mediation. This will show you really care about your children's voice being heard.

I'm confused as to why you're refusing mediation. You can just attend and reiterate your views, no one is saying you must come to an agreement.

But refusing mediation - in a situation where there is no history of DV, coercive control, or anything similar - is not recommended at family court. It will not help your situation at all, and will reinforce his point that you are controlling your children.

[Edit to say: you also have very little to lose in this situation. At those age, I believe the children's choice are generally taken into account, certainly for the 14 yo. You are very likely to come out with a better arrangement than the current 50/50 schedule, which you are in breach of.]

The whole reason the kids are with me is because he was verbally aggressive to them and they were scared. There was no official 5050 agreement, nothing signed and if the kids don't want to go to their dads, I can't and won't make them. I'm not in breach of anything here. I am fully supporting my son rebuilding his relationship with his dad at his pace and my daughter who is anxious when she is around him therefore refuses. Mediation is a voluntary offer, he has done it to get the miam certificate so that he can begin the legal process. Him and I did mediation for our divorce but this isn't about me. It's about me acting in my children's best interests and him not believing a word I say. I would be making decisions on behalf of my kids and that isn't fair on them

My sons ex wife took my son to court to vary the cao and gain 50/50 access although their daughter did not want to see her mother. Their daughter was 14/15 at the time and she was adamant she didn't want to see her mother and had not done so for several months. The family court absolutely listened to her and my son has a lives with order and his daughter only sees her mum if she wants to and at my sons discretion.

@BeCleverShark i can only say what seems to be (tentatively) working for us and I guess each situation and the personalities are different in some ways.
My ex dragged me to court for his rights to contact, he wanted fortnightly contact and holidays and phone calls.
not too interested of the kids liked it or not, just wanted the rights and respect he felt was owed to him as father.
it got so awful with what was happening on contact and my eldest dd got so stressed she got ill and I was having to heavily push her for each contact to go.
younest was clinging to eldest and didn’t want to go without her.
there were 2 incidents that were the tipping point and I started saying whatever he threatened I was not going to force her. Eldest dd still wanted to see him but in more low key ways. He was having none of it and kept going for months that I had to do contact as per the court order.
I got advice that kids can be involved in mediation from age 10. My eldest actually wanted the chance to say what she wanted and wanted her dad to understand where she was coming from.
so I made sure to say in texts etc I am happy for mediation if it is child inclusive (it can be shuttle mediation where the kid doesn’t have to see the parent)
he messed about some more, tried to force me to do counselling with him about co parenting, sent threatening letters about court etc but eventually agreed to listen to what eldest dd was asking for and came down to her level a bit. Still early days with this but it’s progress.
i guess he was advised he can’t just drag me back to court to get me told off, as he has to consider mediation first.
if he manages it I can clearly say in court I have been trying to do mediation and am open to this. Also I’ve been doing my best to mediate between dad and kids and am not holding the kids away from him (like he is claiming).
I guess whatever works for you, I think as pp have said your kids ages will be in their side of it does go back to court. They will be listened to, they can’t just be forced into car seats at handovers any more.
all the best with it I find it exhausting xx