Can my ex stop me relocating 300 miles with our baby?

[TheZingyUser]

I dont even know where to start with its such a mess. I have a 8 and half month old. I start seeing her dad after my second marriage broke down to finding out my then husband had sa my older two daughters. Relationship with my babies dad was at first brilliant couldn't have asked for a better partner. When I was around 5 months pregnant thkngs began to slip. He would constantly bring my ex up who abused my girls saying yh he used to say you were like this or oh yh forgot he was a p*n star, you know where he is go to him etc. This would bring me into pure panic. Other things he would also start arguments all the time, he would go extremely moody if I turned him down for s . He would constantly complain about my older children not to them though just to me. Once baby was born it just got course. I felt extremely protective of her and was suffering with anxiety especially around anything happening to her or becoming ill. I would even have nightmares that my ex husband had come and taken her away it was awful. I had a mental health assessment and they said it was from the trauma of what had happen to my other daughters. Now given that babys dad knew this he would say things like if anything happens to her its your fault. When i was breastfeeding my daughter he would try to be sexual with me I told him to stop this was uncomfortable for me but then would try again. I would get things said like of course you are yours always sorting the baby out aren't you. He did not do any of the day to day care with her. He would keep me awake at night starting arguments called me all sorts of names in front of our baby and for my older children to hear. He was also drinking alot. After begging him on my occasions id finally had enough and told him I no longer wanted to continue the relationship. The police removed us from the house which was in his name being left homeless. We were put in a hotel. The abuse did not stop. In fact got a whole lot worse he threatened to hit my older sons myself and also said i should have aborted my daughter. Whilst we're im the hotel we were looking for places to live. Me and my older boys had a conversation around relocating to the area their father lives in. One of sons is autistic and needs alot of support and care and can be a struggle with now having the baby. Me and their dad have a good relationship. The only reason our relationship broke down was due to the life he lead at that time which was around drugs and drink. Their dad has now been completely clean for five years and works within recovery helping other addicts and has completely turned his life around and had been a good support to us since. We decided we would take which ever property we could first and if it wasnt in his area we would relocate later on. Anyway we got a property where we already were. The house needed work while this went on babys dad carried on abuse and refused to give me any of the childrens belongings so the police were called and they arrested him after seeing all of the evidence I had to back it up. I have never said he can not see his baby just that it needed to be supervised especially when it came out he had been using cocaine for 8 months behind my back and also the fact that he bad mouths his previous partner to his 8 year old also telling them thay they are ruining his life like their fat c*t of a mum. Hes family have had open access to her when ever they wanted. But bothered once. The older kids dad ended up taking time off work to help me sort the new house out. During this time we grew even closer and started a relationship with each other again. Baby still hadnt seen her dad no arranged contact. Fast forward to now. So he knows im in a relationship and is putting a pbs order in to prevent me moving when im ready. I have explained that its not straight away I feel like being in a new area will on a whole be better for the family support with my son I have started to build a strong support network there and I dont intend to move in with the kids dad we will live separately. I have explained that I want him to build a relationship with our baby and that every other weekend and school holidays would be ok and willing to facilitate transport also. Hes not interested in any of that. Also I find it hard to trust him as his other child's mother has no idea that he had been using cocaine whilst he son was in the house. I get he has a right to a relationship with his child and I really am not trying to prevent that and yes it is a 300 miles away. All im trying to do is make a better life for me and the children on a whole. I have no support network where I am whatso ever and dont like going out in fear I will bump into the ex that sa my girls or his family (court is still on going) its a very isolating and lonely life. I have employment opportunities also to the new location as I dont want to be on benefits my whole life. Has anyone been i a situation where their ex has manged to stop them moving

What a horrible comment to make!!!

Yes I know they are adults but three hundred miles is a lot of miles. It will cost about £100 to travel 300 miles and whoever is visiting will have to stay overnight. It’s something I would consider.

Presumably the one who does live with you has a job and a life of her own wherever you live now so what willl she do when you move 300 miles away?

Neither adult daughters live me, one would actually be closer to me if I moved

OP, your timeline is really confusing. Is the person you’re now in a relationship with your first ex-husband? If, as you say, the reason for moving there with your baby daughter is so that he can help with your shared son, why do you need to be in a relationship with him?

I honestly don’t understand why you can’t seem to stay single for more than 5 minutes or how you even have time for a relationship with all of this going on. Your daughter isn’t even a year old and you’re already in a new relationship since splitting with her dad. When did you leave him?

I don’t blame you for wanting to move away from this abusive prick, but if that’s what you plan to do, then you should speak to a lawyer and make sure any abuse is documented in case he does try to stop it. Also, don’t tell him anything; you’ll just give him more power to try and mess things up for you.

You might not like to hear it, and some posters might think I’m being cruel, but I honestly can’t understand why after finding out your daughters were sexually abused by your husband, your first thought is to get into another relationship, move them into his house and get pregnant.

I would advise that once you move, you need to seek some counselling, and please do not get into another relationship.

Yeah I'm the horrible one 🙄 repeatedly putting men ahead of your children for years causing children trauma and still years later bringing more children into the world just to suffer more abuse and trauma

Goodness gracious op. Your poor kids. Can't you just remain single?
Prioritise them and stop jumping from relationship to relationship with men who clearly have issues.

You keep sticking up for child abusers il keep sticking up for innocent children

Am I right in thinking he hasn't bothered to see his baby? That won't go well for him in terms of his claim. Do you have anyone else in the new area apart from the Dad of your older kids? What if it all goes wrong?

I completely agree. It’s honestly so frustrating and infuriating to read yet another post on mumsnet from a woman who can’t remain single for 5 fucking minutes and is so desperate for a man that her kids end up subjected to these abusers.

What kind of example do people think it’s setting to her daughters who will now potentially repeat the pattern because they’ve never been taught differently and whose mother continues this pattern when they’re adults themselves?

But we’ve all just to “be kind.” 🙄

His excuse is no one would help him have supervised contact with her but suddenly his sister is helping. I have made a good support network of friends of my own in the area which I currently dont have where I am. I actually dont have a support network at all

This sounds like a horrendously chaotic environment you are exposing at least 5 children to!! Why do you keep having babies with drug addicted sex offenders?! Surely you should be prioritising your older daughters’ mental health rather than taking up with a new boyfriend and immediately procreating, you can hardly be surprised the “relationship” has failed?!

Stop putting your dating life ahead of stability for your children!

I left the relationships because they were abusers. I dont think anyone gets in a relationship thinking their going end up being abused. I left because I didnt want my baby being brought up in that toxic environment

How have you made these friends within such a short space of time given you don't currently live there?

But they can, if the baby’s father applies to court that the child cannot be removed from the jurisdiction, then either OP stays with the baby. Or the baby stays on their own with the father.

OP can you be clearer. How often is he seeing the baby right now? You’ve mentioned his sister facilitating? What’s actually happening day to day or week by week?

Funnily enough I didnt know he was ssx offender or the other an addict

Will be the first time next week in months ans months. No one has mentioned how often as his sister works full time and is also a social worker

@TheZingyUser Is there any places you where you plan to move you can get professional support with your son? Obviously I don’t know how much care he needs but you need help. You’ve been through so much. Have you ever done any programs or therapy after the abuse you and your children have endured? I hope someone comes along with decent legal advice for you. But please look when you do move for places that will help you get some kind of understanding on what’s happened so you can prevent it from happening again. All the luck in the world for your family x

Maybe not OP but so far you have had 5 children with a drink and drugs addict, a pedophile and a violent abusive drug addict.

You have bad form and you need to own it. Moving to be near the first guy doesn’t do you any favours whatsoever. You look like an idiot with no control, no independence and no ability to stand on her own two feet and support the children properly that you chose to have.

Do you work? Where’s your income
coming from?

I do spend alot of time down there, I wanted to get fimilar with area and obviously see if I like it

It would be a lot of bother and effort for him to prevent you moving. Move, don’t tell him, let him do the work if he’s got a problem. By the sounds of it he won’t be bothered to do so. You sound like you’ve been through a lot but that you also need to make some better decisions for your family. Let this be one of them.

So the op moves. How do the courts enforce her moving back? I’m genuinely interested because I can’t imagine how they would do this.

Currently having counselling, im also waiting for a support worker with a da charity. I have also signed up to do a online college course in safeguarding.

So, your solution to that was to get into a relationship with a former addict before she’s even one year old?

Make it make sense.

Look, I’m not trying to kick you when you’re down, but you’re showing very little accountability for this situation, and you really need to understand that this isn’t a normal way to behave, bouncing from one toxic relationship to the next.

Of course no one knowingly gets into a relationship with an abuser, but equally, once you’ve managed to get away from that situation, your last thought should be getting into any kind of romantic relationship.

You’re going to keep repeating the same unhealthy relationship patterns for your baby daughter to grow up seeing, and you don’t seem to understand or see the problem there. Please remain single and focus on yourself and your children. I promise you, there’s nothing wrong with it.

How are you supporting all of these children practically? Do you work? I mean, they obviously aren’t emotionally safe! Why can’t you just be single for a while?!