Updating my will with no next of kin or beneficiaries

[Searchingforananswer2023]

Hello, I find myself estranged from family, with no NOK and I need to update my will as my beneficiary has died.

I have a house which in a few years will be paid for
Contents of the house
Money in bank account/ISA etc

I have no children. A relative is due a small amount of money from the sale of the house which I plan to give them in cash before it is sold/I die.

I do not want my brother or his child to be a beneficiary (never met child and my brother is abusive)

I want to be clear on funeral arrangements and I wish for my ashes to go back to Ireland to be interred with my mother.

What should I do? How do I proceed without a NOK? How do I ensure brother/nephew do not inherit? How do I get my ashes to Ireland?

Any advice is welcome before I make an appointment with a solicitor.

I know exactly where you’re coming from. Are there things you enjoy doing so you could “live for the moment”, and use some of the money you’re potentially giving away on yourself now?

I've still got the mortgage to pay and modest savings. I'm not a mumsnet millionaire. In terms of living for the moment I'm not sure. I'm not bothered by travel. I just want to live a healthy, stress free and decent life. Sitting here now with Trump ready to nuke an entire country 30 years more is enough for me.

Sadly the notion of family today is not what it was. I have no family and the one person I want and need has gone. I hope over time and possibly through work or church that I will find someone to trust that will help me sort out my wishes in the end. But I need to make a will for the here and now otherwise my brother will get all that I have and put me in a skip.

Maybe in time as more of us emerge alone in this situation we can link up together. Perhaps I've stumbled upon an idea for a business.

Its sad. We don’t choose the family we are born into and not all of us are fortunate enough (or even want) to create the kind of family we want.

I have some good friends but quite frankly I’ve been ashamed to tell them I’m estranged from my family so I find it hard to ask them for any help as I’m sure they’ll be wondering why I don’t ask my family.

Maybe in time as more of us emerge alone in this situation we can link up together. Perhaps I've stumbled upon an idea for a business.

I think that’s already happening!

I don’t know if you’re on Instagram but there’s a few groups on there for single and childfree women and I saw one for people estranged from their family .

It’s my understanding you pay a monthly fee and get access to certain online groups and members directories. Not sure how good or useful they are though but I follow the Instagram pages anyway as I like the discussions on there about going through life being no-one’s priority and having very little support !

Posted before I meant to - I am sure you will find someone from the church in due course that will be able to step up for you when needed. Or at least I hope so.

And I don’t know if you’re open to dating/relationships, but if you are you may even meet someone.

Well all I can say is that I wish I had another 30 years until I was 70 instead of a mere three and a bit!

We bought a house 22 years ago and over the years have built a friendship with a neighbour who now has no kin.
We see him roughly once a week for a cup of tea. We feed his cats occasionally, he's looked after the kids and the dog during an emergency.
We've got to know his friends and his stories about his life.
I never realised 22 years ago that he would be such a lovely part of our life. His assets will go to various speciàl interest groups plus his friends real ale account.

I'm very sorry for your loss and that the future you had planned can no longer be. I hope that a different but rewarding future gradually becomes possible.

I have recently redone my will. The bulk is going to four charities that support causes that bring me joy (not national ones). I have no children. DH has enough if he outlives me.

40 years old
Average life expectancy for a woman is 83
You can’t be so sure that the decades that very likely lie ahead of you will be without a single close person on the horizon.

What about friends? Someone you trust implicitly? I have two very close girlfriends- I trust them implicitly.

Just to say there's no way I'd have taken on shared any responsibility for my neighbour twenty years ago but life does change, sometimes.very gradually and I think we trust and respect each other now so we are on some of his paperwork.
May be thinking of this set of paperwork as today's but keep in mind it may well change over the years, it's not forever.

I am both saddened and relieved to hear your story. Relieved because I feel I am in the same boat, and sad because life is sad.

Yes I have my parents but I am not extremely close with them and they wont be here forever. I also have an abusive brother i dont talk to. Another brother who is in a relationship with a narc and controls every aspect of his life...including communication with me.

I think narcissism runs in both sides of my family. My upbringing was very emotionally unstable and I think thats why I dont let anyone get close now.

I'm Irish too and living in Ireland. The church has been my lifeline. The only thing that has gotten me through.

Lots of people in my local church..in a similar situation to myself. I see they dont have family.

I would be careful with the church you frequent. Some are very welcoming and meet you where you're at with the most generous people. I have found some churches to be dangerous as you've got narcs there too so you need to tread carefully.

I also want to say Op that even though we are alone we are also safe in some ways.

I am aware of people in relationships and family dynamics that are slowly being killed.

It sounds like your recent bereavement has affected you greatly and understandably made you take stock of your life. I will kindly suggest a couple of things - make a Will and leave your estate to a local charity of your choosing, but leave a token amount to your brother. That way if he decided to contest the Will he’d be highly unlikely to get anything. I also suggest that you look at having some bereavement counselling in order to help you come to terms with your loss. I wish you well x

The solicitor will be very used to drafting Wills for people who are estranged from their family so please don't worry about detailing that to them. It is actually very common.

You've had good advice here. I would suggest also putting in your letter of wishes something along the lines of "I am estranged from all surviving family members and do not wish them to benefit from my estate." that way if anyone were to challenge it that would add some weight against their challenge.

That’s great that the church has been a life line to you. I would also recommend leaving some to another charity that would really piss your brother off - some sort of sibling abuse one of they exist.

You could also leave letters to your brother and his DC explaining your decision.

Ask your solicitor/will writer about how to write it so if you wanted to amend the charity beneficiaries in the future it will straight forward.

im not clear… has he asked you to be his executor?

I think you maybe need to think more widely than you have. If you don't have trusted family, who will make sure that you get the care you would want and need in the event that you lost capacity? Who would make sure that your funds were spent in your best interests?

If you are in a good church, it might be worth identifying someone you trust and asking them to have Lasting Power of Attorney for you. LPAs are for finances and for health and welfare - you'd need to do both. I have LPA for a member of our church, alongside another member of the church. We've discussed the future wishes of our church sister and know what she would like to happen in various scenarios. We have it all documented and I checked with her only yesterday that things haven't changed in recent months.

Then, your will. You can direct what happens to any physical assets. What happens to money. You can share it amongst individuals. You can gift it to the church. Charities. Schools.

If it's likely to be a substantial amount, you could discuss with the church if there is any particular cause or project that you'd like your money to help.

Before all this, are you connected with good people? Having no blood family connections shouldn't result in loneliness. I hope your church family is looking after you.

Thank you I am having counselling at present. It has given me the clarity that I need to make these decisions.

There is no guarantee that I will get the care I want and need but I will just have to appoint a solicitor to have LPA, outline my wishes and hope for the best.

You’d trust a solicitor with your health care?

With a clear letter of wishes, what else can I do? Any better suggestions are welcomed, hence my initial post

You don't need a next of kin, it has no legal standing anyway. You need an executor which can be a solicitor and someone who can have LPOA. This could be someone from your church.

My dad was recently executor (and previously had LPOA) for an elderly lady who had no family apart from a nephew who she didn't get on with. She had been friends with my dad's mum which is how come she asked him.

At no point was her nephew or anyone else consulted on anything from her hospital admissions to when she went into a care home. My dad was automatically the one. Is there a friend or priest who would be willing to do this for you?

Do you have any close friends?

One thing you might want to check now is the burial policy of the place where you want your ashes to go. If its a case of ashes being interred into the grave where a loved one is already buried that is usually allowed so it will probably be fine but its worth checking as each church usually has their own policy of who can be buried or have their ashes interred in their graveyard.

Exactly - what can you do?

Honestly many relatives/friends don’t even do a good job of ensuring care is adequate, sometimes - as per my previous post - you don't know how useless or uncaring someone is until there’s an emergency.

My late friend had her daughters friends mother and her brother as emergency contacts. The kids friends mum ended up being much better, and had to really push to get her brother to help out towards the end.

OK, it’s not ideal to use a solicitor but then none of this ideal. This is the situation OP has found herself in. It’s fine to use the solicitor for now and then update later if necessary.

Priests come and go so that's not an option.

I need to find a friend in time to do this.