False assault claim made about me

[i8gratedcheddar]

Summary: accidentally hit husband in the face when he told me of infidelity and he’s reported me to the police.

I hope someone has some advice which might help. Last week I found out my husband and been having an affair with someone I’ve suspected for a while but he’s always denied. We were sat in the car in a car park when he also admitted during the marriage he’s had a few one night stands and used sex workers.
I was very angry and I admit I went to hit him across the face. He grabbed my wrists before I was able to and whilst shaking my fists and writhing to get free, I did ‘punch’ him in the mouth. I admit I had originally tried to hit him and only didn’t as he stopped me, but when I did catch him, it was because I’d been trying to get free not because I was still trying to hit him.
His lip bled as in it produced blood, but it wasn’t dripping down his face and it stopped almost immediately when he dabbed it with a tissue. We stayed there and talked/argued for a couple of hours before leaving. His lip didn’t start bleeding again but he said a few times as he looked in the mirror he wondered whether it needed stitches. I told him to stop over egging it and it was fine. He had facial hair so nothing was visible, literally not a trace of any injury whatsoever, and he didn’t show me what he claimed was wrong with it, like “Look at how bad it is.”

Sorry I’m rambling, but want to give all the details.

I asked him to leave when we got home and he went willingly. That evening our DC (unaware of any issue and thought he was still at work) wanted to call him. I made the call to say DC wanted to speak to him and he told me he was at A&E to get his lip checked. I said that was a dramatic reaction as it wasn’t that bad. He said he was pretty sure his lip was split so he wanted someone to check it. He didn’t need any treatment and left. Exchanged messages with me later on saying how sorry he was about the situation.

Turns out he told the A&E nurse I punched him. Said he felt safe at home but was going elsewhere anyway and didn’t need them to do anything further.
He then called the police to log the incident but just told them he wanted it logged but didn’t want it to go any further. They asked if he wanted them to come and talk to me, but he said no.

When he told me what he’d done he said he immediately regretted it, although his thought at the time was that he didn’t want me to have all this stuff on him about what he’d done so he wanted something on me and was scared I’d try and stop him seeing DC

He said he’s sorry he did that and will call the police he spoke with tomorrow and say he made it up, but said they might not be able to do anything now it’s logged. He also said he’s worried that he will get in trouble for wasting police time and potentially get sacked from work.

Firstly, WTF?!

Secondly can someone just call and say you’ve done something but they don’t want it to go any further, but the person accused never find out that’s been said about them? They’ve not contacted me and said they won’t because he didn’t want them to.
What will the police do with this information about me if he doesn’t call them to withdraw what he alleged? Or even if he does update them that he made it up, what will be held on file for me?
Is that going to be on some kind of record for me for any amount of time? Could that effect my job?

Is it likely he would get in trouble for wasting police time? Mostly I don’t care if he does but then losing his job when we’re just about to go through what looks to be a messy divorce wouldn’t be ideal… it’d be awful in fact.

Can I call the police and discuss the case myself with the crime number to check he’s said what he’s said he will? Husband said they probably won’t talk to me as it was him who made the call.

Our GP has been informed by A&E and want a phone call with him next week. He said he will probably cancel it.
He said he told a solicitor he’s contacted for advice, but won’t use that solicitor going forward.
He said he’s taken pictures but not shown anyone. He said A&E and the police didn’t take any pictures nor ask for any to be sent to them.

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end and TIA for any advice.

He anticipated your reaction which is why he told you in the car.

He’s going to use this assault against you to get custody.

He has logged the assault with the hospital and with the Police. He knows exactly what he is doing.

You would be stupid to put anything in writing. You need to see a lawyer immediately. The marriage is over. He wants out.

This might be irrelevant, but are you sure it happened the way you described, given you must have been really fired up at the time. I’m just thinking that if he was holding your wrist and you were trying to pull your hand away, once he lost his grip it seems more likely that the force of you pulling away would have jerked your fist back towards you rather than towards him.

Or in the tousle, did he keep hold of your wrist and kept pulling it after you had stopped pulling back? In that moment of you relaxing the tension, he would’ve jerked your hand towards him, effectively punching himself in the face with your hand.

Of course you should not have lost your temper but maybe he caused his injury after any danger from you had passed.

It might be useful to go back to the car park and see if he’d parked the car within scope of CCTV that might have recorded what happened.

The police can still choose to press charges against you without his consent

True. Plus look at all the people who've replied saying a man did worse to them and nothing was done by the police. So it will probably be the same for the OP. Much as that would be disappointing for some posters

i am going against the grain here. You did not hit him. He assaulted you by holding your hands in that way and you were struggling to be free of him? Or am I completely misunderstanding?

You did assault him. It's not a false allegation.

Reverse the genders and people would be saying the man needs to face consequences for hitting his unfaithful wife.

You need legal advice.

There’s no such thing as ‘logging an incident’. If an assault is reported they have an obligation to take action. It’s called ‘positive action’. If he says he wants to withdraw from the case it shouldn’t make any difference because it’s not him that is prosecuting it. However, if he didn’t do a statement or says he’s not supporting they may decide not to go forward because there just won’t be enough evidence to charge. Either way they should speak to you before deciding that. Not all police officers/ forces do what they are supposed though, so they could not bother speaking to you.

This will definitely stay on their system. Even incidents registered as ’non crime domestics’ are kept as intelligence

If someone went to punch you in the face and you grabbed their hand/s in an attempt to stop them, do you believe you would be the one who has committed assault?

He is a manipulative, abusive, sly twat. And this reporting to the police is all to take the focus off what a piece of shit he is. Affairs, one night stands and sex workers? Vile. And I would bet my mortgage he didn’t tell the nurse what he’d done (would have made no difference to her reporting it, but he is trying to shape the narrative so he becomes the victim)
I am absolutely not surprised you lost your shit. Should you have? Obviously not but I think that was extreme provocation.
You need to get rid of him asap. Personally, if I was you, I’d take some legal advice, both on this “assault” and on how quickly you can get a divorce from this arsehole.
And I’d tell him to bring it on. I’d rather face issues with the police than pander to such a dickhead for a single minute more.

OP regardless of how you try to put this, you intended to hit him. You can’t say whether you would have tried again. There’s no minimising this, you assaulted your husband. If this post was reversed and a man came here asking these questions would he get the same response? I doubt it. Your husband phoning to ask the police to basically forget about it will only make them more concerned that he is at risk. You phoning will add plenty more red flags, as it should do. You’ve minimised your actions, your intent, and the impact on your husband. I would advise you to get a very good solicitor who can advise you on the best way forward because when this comes out - and I highly suspect it will despite your efforts to wipe it from existence - you are going to need to present yourself from the best light possible in the circumstances.

Having an affair does not mean someone's assault on them is considered false, the victim is not to blame because you assaulted them what is false about it?

All I can tell you is what happened to my parents when my mum had a similar reaction to finding out my dad had an affair. She smashed the house up and then stabbed my dad in the leg with a knife. Stab wound was not serious and iirc did not need stitches. Obviously my mother should never have done it and I was horrified. The police were told, I can't remember if dad told them or if he went to a&e.

But the first I knew of it was the police ringing me up the next day (I know this sounds really bizarre) and telling me to keep my mum in check! They rang me on my mobile, I was at a christening and was totally mortified! It was a police inspector. I think they must have spoken to my mum at some point but they certainly didn't press charges.

I can't imagine the police will do anything against you. Yes the police do sometimes prosecute domestic violence against the victim's wishes but normally that is for more serious or repeated attacks.

I suspect down the line your dh may throw this up in your face again if he thinks that will benefit him in any way.

yep okay fair enough. I was trying to look at it from another angle but point taken.

i agree with this wholeheartedly. Trying to hit him is terrible of course, but i can deffo understand the red mist in the heat of the moment with him. I suppose he was gloating and being a goady fucker about his conquests. I expect he will now be the professional victim. This has played right into his hands.

So when a man comes up for excuses for hitting a woman that is ok 'i saw a red mist/it was her fault/she made me do it' why is this any different?

no of course not. He did not make her do anything.

Your thread title is wrong, it wasn't false, you did assault him.

I’m amazed the police and hospital are taking his injuries so seriously, since it didn’t need any medical treatment. Women usually have to be much more badly hurt before the police will listen to them 🙄🙄

It sounds like he is manipulating the situation. I’d get legal advice if you can afford it.

This.

Just tell them that you absolutely lost self control when he told you he was a piece of shit, sleeping around and paying for prostitutes.
A&E for a split lip??? Ffs.

In order of chronology, and not playing down violence...but didn't he grab you first on your wrist, and you struggled to get free, during which he was stuck. Is that the chain of events?

I d talk to a lawyer before the police or anyone.

Urgh. It’s like he set you a trap and you walked right into it.

Your title is misleading. It isn't a false assault claim. You need to take legal advice and don't admit to anything - it will be used against you. Keep completely silent on it, don't apologise and don't admit to anyone that you did it. In fact, delete this thread. You need to deal with everything strategically and confessing and hoping to be let off is simply never going to happen if you are a woman. It will be used against you at every stage of the divorce. Get advice now and get a very decent divorce lawyer it is going to be a long road.

A lot of those men who killed the women started by punching them once, perhaps as an “accident”, perhaps because it was “their fault” for making him so angry he lost control of his actions.

One day, a woman who’s just been punched for the first time by her husband is going to read this thread, and he’s probably justified it all the ways OP has, and she might read your comment and think that she shouldn’t report it or leave him, or it’s not that bad, because it’s not like he tried to kill her.

Is that the conclusion you want her to come to?

And if not, why should OP’s partner be given any different advice.