False assault claim made about me

[i8gratedcheddar]

Summary: accidentally hit husband in the face when he told me of infidelity and he’s reported me to the police.

I hope someone has some advice which might help. Last week I found out my husband and been having an affair with someone I’ve suspected for a while but he’s always denied. We were sat in the car in a car park when he also admitted during the marriage he’s had a few one night stands and used sex workers.
I was very angry and I admit I went to hit him across the face. He grabbed my wrists before I was able to and whilst shaking my fists and writhing to get free, I did ‘punch’ him in the mouth. I admit I had originally tried to hit him and only didn’t as he stopped me, but when I did catch him, it was because I’d been trying to get free not because I was still trying to hit him.
His lip bled as in it produced blood, but it wasn’t dripping down his face and it stopped almost immediately when he dabbed it with a tissue. We stayed there and talked/argued for a couple of hours before leaving. His lip didn’t start bleeding again but he said a few times as he looked in the mirror he wondered whether it needed stitches. I told him to stop over egging it and it was fine. He had facial hair so nothing was visible, literally not a trace of any injury whatsoever, and he didn’t show me what he claimed was wrong with it, like “Look at how bad it is.”

Sorry I’m rambling, but want to give all the details.

I asked him to leave when we got home and he went willingly. That evening our DC (unaware of any issue and thought he was still at work) wanted to call him. I made the call to say DC wanted to speak to him and he told me he was at A&E to get his lip checked. I said that was a dramatic reaction as it wasn’t that bad. He said he was pretty sure his lip was split so he wanted someone to check it. He didn’t need any treatment and left. Exchanged messages with me later on saying how sorry he was about the situation.

Turns out he told the A&E nurse I punched him. Said he felt safe at home but was going elsewhere anyway and didn’t need them to do anything further.
He then called the police to log the incident but just told them he wanted it logged but didn’t want it to go any further. They asked if he wanted them to come and talk to me, but he said no.

When he told me what he’d done he said he immediately regretted it, although his thought at the time was that he didn’t want me to have all this stuff on him about what he’d done so he wanted something on me and was scared I’d try and stop him seeing DC

He said he’s sorry he did that and will call the police he spoke with tomorrow and say he made it up, but said they might not be able to do anything now it’s logged. He also said he’s worried that he will get in trouble for wasting police time and potentially get sacked from work.

Firstly, WTF?!

Secondly can someone just call and say you’ve done something but they don’t want it to go any further, but the person accused never find out that’s been said about them? They’ve not contacted me and said they won’t because he didn’t want them to.
What will the police do with this information about me if he doesn’t call them to withdraw what he alleged? Or even if he does update them that he made it up, what will be held on file for me?
Is that going to be on some kind of record for me for any amount of time? Could that effect my job?

Is it likely he would get in trouble for wasting police time? Mostly I don’t care if he does but then losing his job when we’re just about to go through what looks to be a messy divorce wouldn’t be ideal… it’d be awful in fact.

Can I call the police and discuss the case myself with the crime number to check he’s said what he’s said he will? Husband said they probably won’t talk to me as it was him who made the call.

Our GP has been informed by A&E and want a phone call with him next week. He said he will probably cancel it.
He said he told a solicitor he’s contacted for advice, but won’t use that solicitor going forward.
He said he’s taken pictures but not shown anyone. He said A&E and the police didn’t take any pictures nor ask for any to be sent to them.

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end and TIA for any advice.

If it goes further, you perhaps need to tell a lawyer that he told you about affairs AND prostitutes. You did hit him and I dont know how the law works, but if you say you were shocked, and to be honest probably a bit traumatised, about sex workers and maybe shocked about potential diseases etc etc then maybe, just maybe, that could help you in some way. After all, uding sex workers is a poyential abuse to your body, so you hit out in anger and, frankly, a kind of defense to yourself.

I’m sorry, but seriously, in a situation like this, a woman hitting a man in the face with her hand is not the same as a man doing it with his. She has a 4th of the strength and everyone knows he was not in danger of being seriously harmed because he is much stronger than she is. He grabbed her arms and immobilized her!

my toddler hurt me worse with headbutts. I find OP’s husband manipulating and a real asshole. He’s prostituted women and cheated on her and they have children. How pathetic of him to go to emergency medical. They sent him home with zero treatment.

the history of the world is full of men assaulting women so badly they are disabled and killed. This is not one hair width in comparison and the harshness on OP is astounding to me. She shouldn’t have tried to hit him but she didn’t scare him or put him at risk. Instead he chooses to see her reaction as an opportunity for him. He’s the despicable one. Not OP.

Honestly, it will make no difference. My ex was vile. The only thing that made a difference was actual video footage of him approaching my car swearing at me and threatening to attack me. I rang 999 immediately and also recorded it. He'd also told my kids he was going to slit my throat. Still took nearly 4 days for police to act. At this point I had a restraining order as he had assaulted me many times in the past. It took multiple real properties physical battering to get that and multiple breaches for the police to take it seriously. I wouldn't worry about your incident. It's awful but realistically no one will do anything about it.

I do wonder though if the police never get in touch with me about the report he made, then isn’t that like hypothetically I can call the police and make a similar claim against anyone I like and say they’ve done something to me but I just want it logged and to be taken no further? That person would unknowingly have this allegation made against them recorded somewhere and would be completely unaware.
I never would by the way, it just seemed strange/worrying that something be logged about me that I might otherwise not be aware of and I never get to say my side because I’m completely unaware it exists.

No they always come and talk to you about it or ring you. You'd know if a report was made.

Even though (apparently) he said he didn’t want to take it any further and when they asked if he wanted them to come and talk to me, he said no?

This isn't true. My husband was attacked by his ex when he went to collect his son many years ago. He rang the police and the person on the phone gave him options and he was worried about what would happen if he go the police out so they just logged the matter and told him if anything happened again then that call had been logged and connected to the address. His ex was never contacted

Yeah they'll still investigate it but probably not do much. They have to investigate all domestic violence cases and will ask the victim if they want to prosecute. Even if the victim says no they will if they think there's a case. Based on what you've said it will just be filed away and no action just ignored

Correct

that is the point of intelligence databases. They record allegations, police decide whether to take it further.

social services do the same - if someone reports a concern it is logged and investigated.

in both cases the concerns or allegations are recorded. It does not follow from this that social workers or police officers assume they are true. Both are used to working in a situation where the truth is to be established.

I agree with this.

It’s just not the same and I do feel that cheating is a violent and abusive act in itself , so he has an nerve to be milking this split second reaction from OP - although to be clear I’m not suggesting she acted perfectly or took the right course of action.

But in my view she is still clearly the victim in this although not the “perfect victim”.

@i8gratedcheddar as pp have said no, I don’t think anything will come of this. Unfortunately there are incidents like this up and down the country daily and nothing gets done.

And have you been tested for STDs?

Not excusing the OPs action at all, but it is pretty minor in the scheme of the DV that the police deal with.

How many years ago?in the fairly recent past theyve changed the law so that victims of domestic violence dont have to prosecute and the police will do it anyway. But if they've had contact with both parties and spoken to them and it seems like a minor issue they won't do anything though it's just a tick box experience

Thank you and yes I have. He also has. All clear thankfully.

good - glad to hear that @i8gratedcheddar

This was around 10 years ago now so I guess things may have changed

Is it the same understandable red mist that men are overcome by when they are violent to women?

Honestly I’d delete this thread and deny it completely. He said, she said. There will be no further action. He will use this against you. Deny it happened and don’t admit it to anyone

That's not the case. We reported a neighbour a few years back for making threats, and we asked it to be logged but for him to not be contacted. The police called us to take the report, but didn't talk to him. He had no idea he'd been reported. But if he came near us again, then it was an automatic arrest.

It will be kept on file, It still is assault even if unintentional. I would be surprised if they did contact you though.

If theee is no evidence then no problem. It will get dropped.

They’ll keep it on the system so if someone makes a Claire’s Law request on you in the future (a partner or someone on behalf of that partner) the police might choose to disclose that there was a previous allegation of dv.

They don’t pay much mind to people calling and saying they made it up. Often people who have been abused call the police in the moment and then try to backtrack to protect their partner. The police don’t need him to support a prosecution but often they don’t proceed with one if they don’t think there’s a realistic prospect of success.

I think you are minimising your actions by saying that it only happened because he had hold of your wrists. You attempted to punch him, he restrained you in an act of self defence, and you made contact with his face nonetheless. None of that would have happened had you not been actively trying to attack him.

Bear in mind that a referral might be made to SS as there are children in the home. If you get back together they might become involved to safeguard the children from witnessing any abuse (which is considered as abuse to the child themselves).

I’m sorry he cheated on you, that is thoroughly shit. Don’t communicate with him about the incident in writing and seek legal advice if you are contacted by the police. If you are read a police caution do not say a word about it until you have spoken with a solicitor.

He has taken steps to preserve evidence of the assault so take anything he says about his intentions with a pinch of salt.

There is evidence though. He sought medical attention, made a disclosure to a medical professional and the police, photographed his injuries and exchanged messages with the OP about it.

What there is sadly no evidence of is the assault that her DH carried out on her 12 years ago.

It’s not a false assault claim though.

he’s done exactly what he should have done, legally.

What and steal his phone and delete the messages, scrub his medical records too?

I agree. She did assault him. She’s undermining her behaviour.

It seems he deliberately told her in the car because he anticipated her reaction.