Anonymous funky pigeon card

[Spuggz]

I’ve received a really horrible card from this company but it has no details of who sent it, it’s the second card sent because the wife of my friend received one in the same subject with my contact details on it? Is it a police matter? What can I do?

IMO sending anonymous communications of any kind should be a crime.

If someone has something to say then they should have the guts to say it. If they don’t then they keep their trap shut.

There is too much scope for malicious communication that way, added to which sending an anonymous letter to someone is as much emotional abuse as having an affair, because it creates doubt in someone’s mind not only about whether it’s true, but about who sent the communication, which friend or family member who will carry on as if nothing has happened. It’s pure gaslighting.

And before anyone says “but sometimes people need to be anonymous because they don’t want to be the messenger who is shot.” Tough shit. If you value someone as a person you will tell them the truth. If you can’t do that then it stops being your business.

@AcrossthePond55 it's not that I wouldn't talk to her if that's what it comes down to, in my eyes it's ( possibly) her that is suffering more from this than either of us, him and I know what we are and the friendship we have, There's never been any inclination of her suspecting anything before now, this has come completely out of the blue

Some of your points I agree with, it's a cowardly way to go about things,

They can send her my details but not theirs to confirm what they are stating is true or not!

I bet the wife sent it to you and one to herself to get the husbands sympathy.

@Spuggz I wouldn't rule out one of the kids. Many years ago an ex of mine was being rather too friendly, on the verge of harassment, and when he decided to send me an explicit texts I perhaps rather foolishly decided to send details to his girlfriend.
I subsequently had torrents of abuse from her grown up daughter, to the extent I reported her to the police. Don't underestimate the possible involvement of other family members.

It will be a woman that has sent these cards. There are three suspects.

Looking at it objectively -

The op herself sent the cards if she was having an affair and wanted to force his hand into telling his wife whilst making it look like it wasn't her. Op says she isn't having an affair so that rules her out.

The wife sent it because she suspects they are having an affair and wants to draw the husband out.

A malicious third party who would have been cheated on herself in order to have such vitriol. Or perhaps a disgruntled employee who hates the man and wants to cause him trouble. It has taken some time dow this person to organise these cards so it can only be someone with vested emotional interest in the man or you.

It's very strange. If you're pretty much ruling out anyone within the business, do the friend's children know much about you? Mind you, I can't imagine they'd want to hurt their mum.

Was it you OP?

You're in love with this guy, and want to break up the marriage.

Of course you wouldn't admit it if you were.

But it's as plausible an explanation as any.

Honestly this sounds both melodramatic and quite enmeshed. You ‘instantly’ became friends when he walked into the hotel you worked at? You were ‘obsessed’ with what he did for a living? And you don’t say ‘I ended up moving to work in his field’, or ‘he later offered me a job’, you say you ‘gave up my job to work for him’. And then you say you think you could have been compatible in a relationship in different circumstances? Hmm.

It’s hardly a police matter if no threats have been made, for instance. It’s fairly clear that one of three people sent the cards — his wife, him or you. Why is another matter.

Who else knows your address? And what is the address of the company at Companies House?

Yes, we both have grandkids, I'm 46

@FurzeNotGorse

He's the sort of person that people just get on with, loud and comical, he stayed at the hotel for 3 years on and off and our friendship stemmed from that.

His business is sports management, the players are from the PDC, I've been playing since I was 12 and go to most of the tournaments usually around the UK and Europe.

I definitely do not want a relationship with him and 100% didn't send a card that would cause so much heartache, I'm a grown ass woman with morals that would never in a lifetime be petty or childish to do such a thing.

@FurzeNotGorse I didn't leave my job because he offered me a position, I went back to uni for 3 years first, throughout this period I was helping with his accounts etc, it wasn't til he took more players on that he needed someone full time. I snatched it up, travelling everywhere and not having to pay for tickets all the time I would have been mental not to take it.

He's the sort of person that people just get on with, loud and comical, he stayed at the hotel for 3 years on and off and our friendship stemmed from that.

@Spuggz

Is he Alan Partridge and you Jill?!

If that was the case the police might do something about it! 🫤

I understand the speculation about who sent this, but honestly it's not the point. They only have as much power and attention as you give them.

To me the point is that the wife is likely in some level of distress. If you are not having an affair then reassuring her would be the focus and priority. That's primarily his job. But personally, I would send an immediate message through him, reassuring her and saying you hope she is ok- what a horrible thing to happen and make an instant, no pressure offer through him, to meet with her and talk through anything she wants to - both about your own relationship and that you have never, in thirteen years working together, seen the slightest sign of him straying with anybody.

Of course this may be tricky to do if you DO harbour feelings for him, but it's the obvious thing someone innocent would do I think?

I’ve always thought the darts world must be odd, and this suggests I wasn’t wrong…

OK, well, if you didn’t send the cards for whatever reason, I think 100% it was either your ‘loud, comical’ colleague or his wife. Apart from anything else, who else would be likely to know both addresses and the exact length of time you’d worked for him? If it was him, I assume he wants out of his marriage, or he’s having an affair and this is intended as some kind of misdirection to get his wife looking elsewhere?

I would never be a part of him even window shopping behind his wife's back, he knows how adamantly I feel about it following a previous situation, Obv I'm not with him every waking moment but I genuinely don't think he's like that.

@Spuggz what previous situation?

I disagree with this. The whole reason this issue has arisen is because they have overstepped boundaries. She is already too enmeshed with him personally. Inserting herself further into his marriage is pouring petrol on an already smouldering fire. She needs to back off from this bloke and reinstate professional boundaries. Because it sure sounds like he's not prepared to do that.

@FurzeNotGorse behind the scene there are some real bitchy people, a lot of the time it's actually the men! The women are just catty, their looks are usually enough to say it all.. 😂😂

A friend of mine went through hell when his wife did it, it tore him apart and he eventually took his own life...