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Original poster

Step daughter preventing me from seeing my dad

65 replies

Warrior13 · 21/02/2025 00:43

My dad has recently passed away and his step daughter is preventing me from seeing him one last time. I have been estranged from him, but that doesn’t mean I hated him, just his treatment towards me.

The funeral directors have advised me to seek legal assistance because they must respect her wishes, even though I have legal rights being his biological daughter.

I’m in the process of getting in touch with solicitors but family law sols and civil law sols do not get back to me, and are unsure who can help me.

I need legal advice in regards to which solicitors do I need to seek help from? Under which law does this fall under? Any advise and guidance will be appreciated because it’s tough during this time.

Thank you.

OP posts:
neilyoungismyhero · 21/02/2025 01:10

I made an appointment to say a last goodbye to a friend/neighbour. I rang up and gave my name and that was that. Could you not just do the same maybe using another name? It's what I would do.

Original poster
Warrior13 · 21/02/2025 01:35

neilyoungismyhero · 21/02/2025 01:10

I made an appointment to say a last goodbye to a friend/neighbour. I rang up and gave my name and that was that. Could you not just do the same maybe using another name? It's what I would do.

I’m not sure, when I spoke to the funeral directors, they advised that they would need to inform her. So I could, but she would probably question it, and request to be contacted. This is what she did with me, and last thing she said to me is, she will need to think about it. I am now in process of seeking legal advice.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/02/2025 01:36

Is she his executor? Because I'm struggling to see how she has any control, depending on who is the next of kin.

lemmein · 21/02/2025 01:47

When my brother died I have no idea who went to see him in the funeral home, nor does my DM who was his NOK and arranged the funeral. I can't remember having to make an appt either, though maybe my DM did on my behalf.

I'd just turn up!

Sorry for your loss Flowers

purpleme12 · 21/02/2025 01:55

Just turn up OP

DurinsBane · 21/02/2025 01:56

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/02/2025 01:36

Is she his executor? Because I'm struggling to see how she has any control, depending on who is the next of kin.

Was wondering the same..

changeme4this · 21/02/2025 02:04

He might have been very specific with his wishes too. My Mum died a couple of weeks back and one or two extended family members were not happy there was not to be a funeral, but she didn't one.

Kristen07 · 21/02/2025 02:28

I'm so sorry for your loss I lost my Dad two years ago as hard as it was and still is I went to see him before his casket was closed I sang to him held his hand , I am now glad I did it helped me to see that he was at peace . You have every right to say goodbye no one can stop you

MissBattleaxe · 21/02/2025 02:34

Lots of people went to pay respects to my Dad before his funeral. Some asked, some didn't. They all loved him. I don't remember wanting or needing to pull rank. OP your step sister is being hugely insensitive.

PandaTime · 21/02/2025 02:38

Is there a relative or friend you can go with? I have no idea who all visited my mum. I don't get how anyone can stop you going anyway.

BreadInCaptivity · 21/02/2025 02:53

I'd ask the funeral home on what legal basis were they preventing you from saying a final goodbye.

It may be that your father has made his wishes clear in a will and given your estrangement if this is the case you should respect this.

Alternatively it may be she is paying the bills for the funeral and has made her (not your father's) wishes paramount.

In the case of the latter I think you have good reason to challenge.

BaMamma · 21/02/2025 03:28

I'm interested that you don't acknowledge her as your stepsister, only as his stepdaughter. Why is that?

purpleme12 · 21/02/2025 03:37

I'm guessing since she was estranged from her there's a lot of distance between her and her step sister too hence 'his step daughter'

steff13 · 21/02/2025 04:01

How long is someone at the funeral home? Here it's usually 3-4 days at most. This issue has to have a bit of a clock on it; I think I'd just show up at the funeral home during business hours and try to appeal to their better nature.

upifpmpyesmyypfie · 21/02/2025 05:47

If you want to go down the legal route you need to see a contentious probate solicitor. There are laws about dealing with a dead body and they can advise you on these.

movinghouse12 · 21/02/2025 06:16

BaMamma · 21/02/2025 03:28

I'm interested that you don't acknowledge her as your stepsister, only as his stepdaughter. Why is that?

DP doesn't acknowledge his mum's step children as step siblings. He was 30 when he met them and they were 40+. They've never lived together or in the same geographical area. The step sibling role never really happened.

GravyBoatWars · 21/02/2025 06:43

OP I’m going to assume you’re in England and tell you what I know applies.

The funeral home’s client (the person who has the priority right to make decisions for the deceased and who has engaged the funeral home) has the right to specify no/restricted visitation and the funeral home must adhere to that. The logic of this is simple - some people don’t want their bodies or the bodies of their loved ones viewed by any or all and that is their right. There’s usually a box clients can check or similar on the forms saying no visits or no visits without approval from the client. If your step-sister has done this based on your father’s wishes or her own the funeral home has to follow that unless you’re able to get a court to intervene (see next paragraph). Funeral homes can only have a single individual client making decisions. They’ll counsel that client to try to resolve disputes with family members directly.

We don’t know how your step-sister became the client. If she was named as executrix in your father’s will that will give her priority over you or any other family member. The same goes if she was appointed administrator of his estate. If neither of these is the case and your father never adopted her you likely have legal priority over her and could potentially get the courts to intervene, but you would obviously need to move quickly. If he did adopt her then you (and any other children of his) are equal and you’d either have to agree amongst yourselves or get the courts to decide.

Funerals themselves are open to the public in most cases and you couldn’t be prevented from attending, but funeral homes are definitely not. If their client has restricted visiting the funeral home will not give you access and you can’t insist unless you’re able to get yourself placed in charge of your father’s arrangements instead of her either via the courts or getting her to step aside.

GravyBoatWars · 21/02/2025 06:45

Here’s a breakdown of the hierarchy when it comes to who has priority rights to be the decision maker if that is disputed.

https://www.nafd.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/NAFD_Funeral_Arrangements_Entitlement_Leaflet_A5_ENG_WALES_DIGITAL.pdf

If you choose to consult a solicitor you’ll be looking for one who specializes in probate law. This isn’t handled by family law.

Autumn38 · 21/02/2025 06:48

To be fair though. The thought of someone who wouldn’t speak to me/acknowledge me in my lifetime going to see my dead body gives me the creeps. Are you sure your father would want you to go and see his body if you wouldn’t see him when he was alive?

BilboBlaggin · 21/02/2025 06:51

I'm a funeral arranger and what GravyBoatWars is correct. We don't always agree with what our client directs, and in some cases I have had a discussion with the client when a close family member wants to see the deceased, but ultimately, whoever is the client and is arranging the funeral is the one who gets to call the shots.

Missionimprobable · 21/02/2025 07:06

BilboBlaggin · 21/02/2025 06:51

I'm a funeral arranger and what GravyBoatWars is correct. We don't always agree with what our client directs, and in some cases I have had a discussion with the client when a close family member wants to see the deceased, but ultimately, whoever is the client and is arranging the funeral is the one who gets to call the shots.

Great explanation.
When dm passed, my dsis was first on the scene and called the funeral directors, I was abroad and flew back that night.
I was executor and I paid the deposit to FD (out of my own funds).
When I rang to go see dm they said I needed dsis permission as she was technically the client even though I was paying and was executor.
It all ended amicably.
If you were estranged, maybe your ddad had left instructions that your step sister is carrying out.
My dm would have hated the family trooping through the funeral home for a last look/to say goodbye, she certainly wouldn't have wanted someone she was estranged from going.

Missionimprobable · 21/02/2025 07:06

BilboBlaggin · 21/02/2025 06:51

I'm a funeral arranger and what GravyBoatWars is correct. We don't always agree with what our client directs, and in some cases I have had a discussion with the client when a close family member wants to see the deceased, but ultimately, whoever is the client and is arranging the funeral is the one who gets to call the shots.

Great explanation.
When dm passed, my dsis was first on the scene and called the funeral directors, I was abroad and flew back that night.
I was executor and I paid the deposit to FD (out of my own funds).
When I rang to go see dm they said I needed dsis permission as she was technically the client even though I was paying and was executor.
It all ended amicably.
If you were estranged, maybe your ddad had left instructions that your step sister is carrying out.
My dm would have hated the family trooping through the funeral home for a last look/to say goodbye, she certainly wouldn't have wanted someone she was estranged from going.

justanothercrapbedtime · 21/02/2025 07:16

I never really understand why estranged family members come out of the woodwork at or after death. To assuage conscious maybe? You didn't have contact with him in life so leave it be now he is dead. What would it really give you to see him at the funeral home? Visit his grave post burial she can't keep you away from there

harriethoyle · 21/02/2025 07:51

I wouldn’t be surprised if your dad was very hurt by your estrangement and has left instructions that you aren’t to be involved. When DM was dying, she left very specific instructions about her funeral and wake and who was invited to the latter. I have a brother from whom I’m estranged and if he comes out of the woodwork when I pop off, I’ll be haunting anyone who lets him be involved…

Hedgerow2 · 21/02/2025 07:57

Not sure why his step-daughter's wishes should trump his daughter's?

Given time constraints maybe just turn up at the funeral home and say you'll take legal action if they don't let you in.