I feel so guilty after ex's arrest for Domestic Violence

[Bigredtrain]

Hi,

My ex partner (together for 13 years, have three children aged 10 and 8- twins) broke up around 18 months ago (his decision). Since then he has become extremely emotionally controlling and manipulative. I self referred to a local domestic abuse charity who have been supporting me Iver the last few months.

Anyway this morning he came to see the children in my house and was in (yet another) bad mood as his girlfriend may be breaking up with him. He generally resents me so much for the breakdown of our family despite the fact that he made the decision and wouldn't even consider couples therapy.

He was ranting and raving about how we need to close our joint bank account (which we only use for the insurance benefits equally) and how he wants his name off the Amazon Prime account (which I pay for). Completely ridiculous and bizarre conversation for 2 days before Christmas if you ask me. We got into an argument about this, he told me he was leaving despite the fact I've had no childcare for 2 weeks and needed to go Christmas shopping for the kids.

I followed him out of the room, he then turned around, picked me up and threw me across the room. When I got up I said I was calling the police, he then said I was the aggressor and he was 'defending himself' because I was angry so he was calling the police on me? I swiped the phone out of his hand (I literally did not touch his body). He responded by picking me up again and throwing me across the room then dragging me up by my clothes and throwing me again.

He then wrestled my phone from me and only gave it back when my poor 10 year old appeared at the door. I immediately left and went to my brothers, called DV worker and police. Tonight I visited the police station to talk about it, I hadn't decided yet whether to give a statement but they rang me back to say they were going to arrest him tonight.

I feel sick, I can't sleep as I feel so guilty. He told me afterwards that I was aggressive to him so he was 'defending himself'. He will probably lose his teaching job. He won't see the kids at all for Christmas. I feel like I'm in a living nightmare.

Help.

A man who can get that angry and have so little control should not be teaching children so I hope he does lose his job
You did exactly the right thing, he has to live with the consequences of his own actions.

All this said it is perfectly normal for you to feel shaky after everything you have been through. Do you have someone who can support you?

I’m sorry you are feeling this way but honestly the only person to blame is your ex. He is the one who has physically assaulted you, which is a crime and he needs to be held responsible for his behaviour.

Your husband is old enough to know that the police get involved when you throw someone against a wall. He’s a fully functioning adult. You can decide to be forgiving when you move forward with how you handle his involvement as a father, but the foundation you have set is that there will be zero tolerance for violence. You are setting a vital boundary that that will contribute to the safety of you and your children. Please don’t lose your courage

You have exactly nothing to feel guilty about - any feelings of guilt are probably a combination of you being a nice person and also from emotional abuse you’ve experienced from him as well as the physical.

An aggressive adult is not a safe person to be around children so hopefully he will lose his job.

Please seek support for yourself and accept any help on offer through your contact with the police.

Well done on your bravery thus far. Contact Women’s Aid.

Love and luck x

Shouldn’t have put his hands on you then should he!!!

You have done absolutely nothing wrong so please don’t feel guilty… he deserves everything he gets

Guilty?? Im go with your account being truth.
YOU are NEVER responsible for anyone s actions -other than your own. Do not fall down any kinda post-event rabbit hole where you talk self into thinking get Thrown across room,(twice) is acceptable.or Not same as punched,kickt. etc. irrelevant..all way to ...was how you landed that hurt.
Any sorta guilt is his to feel

His gaslighting has you feeling guilty when you have done nothing but stick up for yourself,he physically threw you across the room 3 times and your 10 year old was a witness to part of it.
Imagine how you'd be feeling if it was one of the children he had thrown around the room,you wouldn't be feeling guilty then.
He has only him self to blame and I certainly wouldn't want someone that volatile teaching my children.

I’m so sorry. It’s so normal to feel guilt. Especially if this is the first time it’s happened to you. Trust me though this isn’t the first time he’s felt this as the blaming you defence mechanism is firmly in place already. No shock on his part that he did it. You need to treat this clinically I’m afraid sort out childcare and organise a different looking Christmas for your children. Don’t look back. So sorry.

Do not feel guilty about this. This is his behaviour, not yours. You have done the right thing. He should have charges pressed. If he loses his teaching job and access to the children, those are the consequences of HIS actions, not yours. You did not make him pick you up and throw you across the room.

Serves the fucker right, he should have thought about that before he started throwing you round like a rag doll. You have nothing to feel guilty for. He, on the other hand, should be on his knees begging for forgiveness.

Please go through with reporting your ex. He gaslit you then continued to attack you. Picking you up off the floor to throw you again for me is the worst part as by this stage, he was completely out of control.

As others have said, he isn’t safe to be around children. And he needs anger management to be around another woman by the sound of it. Apart from this, your children are future adults and need to learn what is and isn’t appropriate in a relationship and society in general.

He's scum. Nail him. And hopefully he will be too scared to hurt you or anyone else ever again.

Give a statement. Not your fault.

Get an order to stop him from coming to your house.

He is not fit to teach and your children so no5 need violence in their lives
Well done for being brave

I hope you and your children are okay and safe.

I wouldn't want this man anywhere near my children so I hope he does lose his job.

You have done the best thing for you and your family and you have nothing to feel guilty for. He, on the there hand, should be on his knees begging for forgiveness.

The only person who should be feeling guilty is him. And how on earth is he a teacher?!

Would you feel guilty if some random thug beat you up in the street? Because that's what he is a thug and a coward claiming a much smaller woman attacked him.
He is a disgrace. And he doesn't deserve his teaching job. I don't want violent abusers teaching my kids thank you very much.
You've done yourself and society a favour.
I don't think it's guilt you really feel, it's fear.
I know, I've been there.
When you live around an aggressor you fear rocking the boat because you don't know what they will do.

I don't believe the first time was an error or self defense. The second and third time absolutely no chance. He meant to do it and if it affects his career that is entirely of his own making. Feel no guilt, you've done nothing wrong.

Are you sure your feelings are guilt? You'll have adrenaline and stuff running through your system after being assaulted, you're probably in shock. Did you get medical treatment? If not I'd be trying to see a doctor for a check, they might be able to give you something for the shock too.

You should not feel guilty AT ALL.

He needs to lose his job. Imagine if one of the children he teaches upset him and he threw them against a wall? He could easily kill them.

You reporting him has potentially saved a child's life (yours or someone else's) please remember that and know that you have done the right thing.

Blimey you’re not even I. A relationship with him and he’s seriously assaulted you. What would you do if a man on the street had done this? Please give a statement to the police. Your kids heard and possibly saw some of this, he’s a terrible example to them. You don’t want them growing up thinking this sort of behaviour is acceptable. Plus what if he loses his temper with one of them. Don’t feel sorry for him not seeing the kids…….you should be happy he can’t see them and they’re safe from him. They’re probably quite scared of him if he’s this volatile.

i have no idea though what the police will do if he says you were the aggressor and you say it was him and there were no witnesses. You’d like to think they’d believe you but logically I guess why should they? Do you have any injuries?

You didn't make him do anything he's a violent man who physically assaulted his child's mum in front of them.
He committed a violent act time for the fucker to face the consequences of his actions.

A man who can get that angry and have so little control should not be teaching children so I hope he does lose his job

1000%.

You should NOT be feeling guilty. He deserves everything coming to him, and more. Imagine if he did the same to your children? Stay strong. x