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Original poster

Baby Removed at Birth Support

478 replies

Mumtobe799 · 04/12/2024 00:07

Hello

This is extremely controversial and I feel embarrassed posting but I’m looking for a bit of help. I am due to give birth within the next few weeks and after Social Services involvement throughout my pregnancy, I have been told they will be removing my baby at birth. Baby will be placed with their Dad under an interim court order whilst assessments are ongoing.

Does anybody know what removal at birth actually means? My baby and I will need to stay in hospital for a few days, is it likely I will be able to stay with them or will they likely split us up? These are questions I have asked Social Services but they will not give me an answer.

I would like to breast feed; is this something Social Services have to support as it is in the best interest of baby. My baby is being removed due to mental health concerns, no issues around substance or alcohol abuse so that being in breast milk isn’t a worry.

If anyone with any legal experience or people who may have gone through or know someone who has gone through something similar can help I would really appreciate it. Thank you.

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 04/12/2024 13:14

Plastictrees · 04/12/2024 12:25

@beAsensible1 ’Trustful engagement’ goes both ways and actually the onus on providing a psychologically safe environment is on service providers. It helps if they adhere to the principles of trauma-informed care, and operate with openness and transparency, being mindful of the inherent power imbalances that exist in mental health teams between patients and professionals. Cultural competence is also part of this. The OP’s feelings and concerns seem valid to me. She is hardly going to ‘maintain equilibrium’ during this highly uncertain, stressful and uncertain time. She needs psychological support and she is not even getting that.

Edited

OP has had no sleep is 10 days away from labour with a history of self-harm and experiencing PPP.

encouraging distrust of her team or those around her isn't helpful. encouraging her to speak to family as they will be more knowledgeable of the situation.

Cultural competence is fine, however OP is fixating on BF etc, but babies father is jewish and will be with baby so baby will be adequately provided for regarding culture and religion and hopefully still observant in ways that matter to family.

However right now the most important thing is for her to sleep and liaise with her loved ones, not over think on an online forum thats she's been on since last night.

So yes striving for equilibrium and calmness so she can get some sleep is best.

Original poster
Mumtobe799 · 04/12/2024 13:15

TheShellBeach · 04/12/2024 12:50

I don't think the OP is allowed to go to his house.
Contact with her older child is facilitated by her parents at their house, and must be supervised, even five years later.

Show quote history

I was going to my children’s Dad’s house. Not to be crude but how do you think I fell pregnant?!

My eldest is not yet 5 and I’ve had lots of supervised and unsupervised time at my home, my parents home, children’s dad’s home.

OP posts:
TheSilkWorm · 04/12/2024 13:17

Mamabearsmile · 04/12/2024 12:54

Specifically how does she do that? Yours sounds like really good advice to OP. But it may be she doesn't know even how to do it. OP speak to your doctors, get help from citizens advice as to where to go for legal advice. They have a legal section. If you give your general area we can help you find the addresses you need. Speak to your obstetric team, they can provide you with advocacy and social work input as can your midwife. Perhaps this contributer will message you with specific ways to help. I'm not going to judge you at all as to the why they are doing it because we know nothing of the circumstances. In my experience the SS do either way too much or not enough. Clearly here it's not enough support for OP. Otherwise she'd know the answers to these questions. There's support here always but no judging, your contributions to help OP are not supposed to be judgemental or rude or upsetting for her.

It's important to establish why they want to remove your baby from you at birth. Especially if you want to breastfeed. Why do you think this is happening? Who supports you now? GP? Midwife? Any family relative?

It's harder to help without the specific answers to those questions but you must be feeling awfully apprehensive right now. Try to stay calm and hopefully we'll get you some help. If you don't want to share of course it's your choice but I hope you take at least the advice to get legal help and share with your midwife.

Can you try to tell us where you feel you need support?

You need to quote a post if you're replying to someone. Most of the questions you've asked have been answered by OP through the thread already.

ChickpeaPie · 04/12/2024 13:17

Not sure if anyone has mentioned it, but breastfeeding on aripipazole isn't always possible as it may suppress lactation.

TheSilkWorm · 04/12/2024 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What seems like an ai?!

Binglebargo · 04/12/2024 13:19

TheSilkWorm · 04/12/2024 13:18

What seems like an ai?!

Show quote history

The reply you were quoting

Plastictrees · 04/12/2024 13:20

beAsensible1 · 04/12/2024 13:14

OP has had no sleep is 10 days away from labour with a history of self-harm and experiencing PPP.

encouraging distrust of her team or those around her isn't helpful. encouraging her to speak to family as they will be more knowledgeable of the situation.

Cultural competence is fine, however OP is fixating on BF etc, but babies father is jewish and will be with baby so baby will be adequately provided for regarding culture and religion and hopefully still observant in ways that matter to family.

However right now the most important thing is for her to sleep and liaise with her loved ones, not over think on an online forum thats she's been on since last night.

So yes striving for equilibrium and calmness so she can get some sleep is best.

Show quote history

I find your language to be pathologising and infantilising of the OP. Her feelings are valid. I have addressed her sleep and support in my previous posts.

If her family are so knowledgeable they should be advocating for the OP and ensuring psychological support is in place, and also that she knows the different options which may happen after she gives birth. You cannot leave someone in the dark and expect them to ‘maintain equilibrium’.

oakleaffy · 04/12/2024 13:22

TheShellBeach · 04/12/2024 12:34

I honestly don’t know what I’d do if they tried to remove my baby directly after birth, I don’t even think I could get myself to hospital to have them as I’d be in such a state

OP you've made countless threads during this pregnancy, under lots of different user names.

But the one that concerned me the most was when you talked about moving to a different area and giving birth alone, having changed your name.
You were adamant that it would be the best thing for the baby.

You've also been clear that your pregnancy was not an accident, because you wanted to prove to social services that you were well enough to look after a baby. In some of your threads, you did not agree that the eventual removal of your first child had been in his best interests.

Clearly your boyfriend also bears some responsibility for not using contraception.

He will soon be a single father to four children. It's fortunate that he has stepped up, and agreed to have the new baby when she arrives.

I hope that you'll eventually be able to have contact with both your children. But you must cooperate with social services.

Completely agree- If this is pregnant by design to prove to SS that OP can “ cope” it’s going to fail spectacularly.
Four children is a lot for even a very mentally well parent to manage.

Don’t do a runner, as that will go massively against you.

( Plus be dangerous to an innocent baby)

OiFatArse · 04/12/2024 13:22

No advice sorry OP but just want to send you love and I hope things work out for you and your family ❤️

Blogswife · 04/12/2024 13:29

Im afraid that I can’t offer any advice but I just wanted to say that a close family member of mine was sectioned due to post partum psychosis . She was very poorly but made a full recovery and now has a wonderful bond with her DC
I wish you the very best of luck , a safe birth and a speedy recovery

Mamabearsmile · 04/12/2024 13:29

first things first, this is your child. I feel massively for you and hope you are able to breast feed. I would like to commend you on seeking to bond with your baby and share information to help other mothers. These two things show a caring nature inspite of your illness. That will go in your favour later on and toward contact. I wish there was a space for you to be with experts so you and your baby could be together. I wish we had more units so that could happen. Are you with people now who can explain and facillitate you're understanding of these things? Do you have advocacy through mind? They will be happy to support you. I am so sorry you're in this situation and feel so privileged that you are sharing here. I'm sure everyone will do what they can. I'm sure this won't happen but let's just say it does, do you and your team have a plan if the paternity is negative? Could your parents foster for you? Any sisters or cousins who could step in? Let's look forward, you will get well in time and you could be looking at a brighter future. Being aware of that fact and having a plan in place means a greater preparedness for you and less stressful crisis reactivity which can be so traumatic. Thank you for your updates, I appreciate that when you're so poorly. I hope we can get the information you need. I hope you feel supported today. I also hope that everything goes well and your team help you to breast feed. Sounds like you have a fantastic midwife. Enlist her help when ever you can. Please update us going forward I'm rooting for you here and I hope your recovery continues beyond the birth of your child and your own post partum period. Keep asking those questions, they are good questions.

Behindthethymes · 04/12/2024 13:30

Big hug @Mumtobe799

I suffered a relatively mild psychotic break and I completely understand the reluctance to remember what it was like. It feels like a dangerous black hole in my brain that could pull me right back in there, if I venture too close.

I cannot even fathom how incredibly strong you are. Having dc with sn, the lack of care and professional support doesn’t surprise me in the slightest. I’m so glad that you have your parents at least. But you deserve so much better.

I hope the well wishes you’re receiving on this thread are even a tiny bit helpful.

tachetastic · 04/12/2024 13:36

Mumtobe799 · 04/12/2024 02:10

Sorry for the third update

Will I be able to name baby or is this something Dad and Social Services will do? I have a name picked out and I would like them to share my surname, potentially double-barrelled if the Dad requests this. With them going to Dad will he be the one to pick a name and surname?

Practically it will be the person who registers the birth that chooses the name at the point of registration.

However, if you are not married to the baby's dad then he can only register the birth if you have made a statutory declaration that he is the father, or he has a court order granting him the right to register the birth. I would speak to your solicitor on this and make your wishes known.

friendlyflicka · 04/12/2024 13:38

Cockerpooslave · 04/12/2024 07:49

Hi @Mumtobe799 . I appreciate this is a very upsetting and difficult process, but you do not seem to be taking responsibility which as your SW has said is a massive red flag. Trying to be gentle saying you don’t like her, refusing contact centres, blaming everyone else for what happened with your other child, and frankly getting pregnant by an ex with whom you don’t get on, all look like you are blaming others- and let’s be honest you did try to end your life, which would have killed your baby- so there is a risk there.
Please consider radical engagement, lean in to the process, do everything you can to see your baby and be well yourself, even if you think the SW is rubbish.

I second APP too, they are great at supporting so you will have another line of people standing behind you.

I very rarely comment but I think this is one of most ignorant posts I have ever read on the topic of mental illness. It adopts the same scolding tone found constantly in AIBU threads.

This woman has done nothing wrong. Perhaps leave others who have suffered from psychosis or who have some basic level of understanding to offer assistance on this thread.

@mumtobe799 I have bipolar disorder and untreated it results in psychosis. I can totally understand that a social worker or any other professional can be judgemental and incompatible. It has happened to me with psychiatrists often in my 45 year experience of services. I also am a single parent to 2 lovely daughters now 18 and 21 and although it has been a struggle and I have had to accept a level of medication heavier than I would ever have tolerated before motherhood, I think I have done a pretty good job.

I hope after the hormones settle, you will find the same. Just agree with others that you need to seek the greatest amount of advocacy you can find.

Mamabearsmile · 04/12/2024 13:46

Some of you posters, seem very flippant and unmindfull of the fact that this OP is very sick. TLC all round please. Gross lack of empathy and as for some of your user names? Says it all...I rest my case. If there is some thing we all should know please enlighten us? Otherwise go away and read, then uphold community standards. Continuing infringements will be reported, OP asked for support, this not an oiks chat room.

friendlyflicka · 04/12/2024 13:50

Plastictrees · 04/12/2024 12:25

@beAsensible1 ’Trustful engagement’ goes both ways and actually the onus on providing a psychologically safe environment is on service providers. It helps if they adhere to the principles of trauma-informed care, and operate with openness and transparency, being mindful of the inherent power imbalances that exist in mental health teams between patients and professionals. Cultural competence is also part of this. The OP’s feelings and concerns seem valid to me. She is hardly going to ‘maintain equilibrium’ during this highly uncertain, stressful and uncertain time. She needs psychological support and she is not even getting that.

Edited

Couldn't agree more

NasiDagang · 04/12/2024 13:54

What a horrible situation to be in OP! As a mother I deeply sympathise with you and sending you lots of love, best wishes to your future.

beAsensible1 · 04/12/2024 13:55

Plastictrees · 04/12/2024 13:20

I find your language to be pathologising and infantilising of the OP. Her feelings are valid. I have addressed her sleep and support in my previous posts.

If her family are so knowledgeable they should be advocating for the OP and ensuring psychological support is in place, and also that she knows the different options which may happen after she gives birth. You cannot leave someone in the dark and expect them to ‘maintain equilibrium’.

Edited
Show quote history

we have no idea about who attended or anything else other what she has told us.

It's fine for you to think that. but at the end of the day encouraging anger and distress for someone in this situation is irresponsible.

she has said she is staying with her parents for support so naturally that would imply they want to help her.

no-one has said her feelings aren't valid, however again SHE HAS HAD NO SLEEP for someone who is pregnant regardless of other contributing factors you don't rile them up. she is in distress she needs deep breaths and calm so she can continue to approach this in the manner she has been previously in an ordered calm way.

Even imagined calm and tricking yourself into calmness is helpful in moments of distress and helps you to think rationally.

Measured language isn't infantilising no matter how you see it. if you want to catastrophize feel free.

YouveGotAFastCar · 04/12/2024 14:04

And this is where the thread gets dangerous.

Nobody wants to think about a mother being separated from her newborn, but OP came for support. She has done the fighting. There may be more to do down the line, but at the moment, the plan is that the baby will be removed at birth and looked after by the father.

Furthermore, OP is on medication that may affect birth and parenting options. Aripiprazole lowers prolactin levels, which can seriously impact on the ability to breastfeed, even when you are with your baby all the time. Balancing that drop with also not having the baby nearby to stimulate a hormonal response is a big, big undertaking, and OP is going to be processing the trauma of her baby's removal, alongside the psychosis.

Encouraging someone with psychosis to distrust more of her team or believe there's another way is not responsible anyway.

OP has been awake for most of the night. That won't help either. She needs to rest.

BillStickersIsInnocent · 04/12/2024 14:06

@Mumtobe799 I may have missed this but I’m assuming your perinatal MH team have completed a pre-birth plan with you and all professionals involved in your care? This should set out what will happen before the birth, during labour and then postnatally. I understand your perinatal team aren’t commissioned to support mums who aren’t directly caring for a baby, but the plan should include how the transition to adult services will work in this really vulnerable period. In our area we have a maternal mental health service for mums who are no longer caring for their baby, for whatever reason.

I’m sending you all good wishes.

Baguettesandcheeseforever · 04/12/2024 14:08

OP, I have nothing to offer in the way of advice or answers but I just wanted to wish you well and say I’m hoping for an outcome to this that is the best it can be for both you and the baby. Mental illness is not your fault and this must be so difficult for you. Take care.

CherryDrops89 · 04/12/2024 14:10

Mamabearsmile · 04/12/2024 13:29

first things first, this is your child. I feel massively for you and hope you are able to breast feed. I would like to commend you on seeking to bond with your baby and share information to help other mothers. These two things show a caring nature inspite of your illness. That will go in your favour later on and toward contact. I wish there was a space for you to be with experts so you and your baby could be together. I wish we had more units so that could happen. Are you with people now who can explain and facillitate you're understanding of these things? Do you have advocacy through mind? They will be happy to support you. I am so sorry you're in this situation and feel so privileged that you are sharing here. I'm sure everyone will do what they can. I'm sure this won't happen but let's just say it does, do you and your team have a plan if the paternity is negative? Could your parents foster for you? Any sisters or cousins who could step in? Let's look forward, you will get well in time and you could be looking at a brighter future. Being aware of that fact and having a plan in place means a greater preparedness for you and less stressful crisis reactivity which can be so traumatic. Thank you for your updates, I appreciate that when you're so poorly. I hope we can get the information you need. I hope you feel supported today. I also hope that everything goes well and your team help you to breast feed. Sounds like you have a fantastic midwife. Enlist her help when ever you can. Please update us going forward I'm rooting for you here and I hope your recovery continues beyond the birth of your child and your own post partum period. Keep asking those questions, they are good questions.

OP I hope you've had some rest and are OK. I think you have some great questions and should pass these to your social worker, solicitor and midwife. They will be able to look at your personal situation and advise what route you will all be taking. Be kind to yourself, you clearly love your children and want to get better. Keep talking to people!

CherryDrops89 · 04/12/2024 14:11

@Mamabearsmile sorry, misquote

Mamabearsmile · 04/12/2024 14:12

You dont owe any one on here explanations but I'm glad you shared this. Just be mindful of your needs to rest. And remember that what ever the unmindfuls come up with, you are a worthwhile and loveable person, worthy of unconditional positive regard no matter what. All day long. Every day :).

Sugarcoldturkey · 04/12/2024 14:15

Mumtobe799 · 04/12/2024 02:15

Thank you for your kind words!

I have a lot of meetings over the next week so I’m going to update this thread regularly just in case another woman is going through this.

I understand a lot of people probably don’t think I’m deserving of my child or being a Mum to them but I am really trying.

Show quote history

I am quite a judgemental person (definitely judge people's parenting at times!) but I would never dream of judging you for the sad situation you're in. Post-partum depression can happen to any of us, it's really not your fault.

I think it's wonderful that you're trying to access help and advice, and very brave if you to be facing this situation head on. I can imagine I might be sticking my head in the sand in your place, in denial about the whole thing. You're very clearly a strong person.

My very best wishes for the future.