Child rights with absent dad?

[whatcolourarepolarbears]

My ex walked out 9 years ago and last made an effort to see our daughter (13, ASD/ADHD) in 2016 - that was for 45 minutes. The last regular contact he had was the year before for a few days every other month. It was his choice - I've never withheld contact, but didn't reach out to him either. He's a grown man who was sadly distracted with other women, our daughter was low on his priority list. I stayed in that house for another 4 years, never changed my number/email/socials so he can still contact if he chooses. I believe he's changed his number, and I'm blocked on all his social media.

In 2017 I met my new partner - we took things slowly, and moved in together 2 years ago. He's amazing with her, she adores him and life is pretty good. Her autism means she fixates on things, and the latest is us dying - she's worried about what will happen to her.(I believe it's triggered in part from watching Annie and seeing the orphanages..)She stopped mentioning her dad months before his last visit, and hasn't ever spoke about him or asked. She introduces my partner as 'step-dad' without us bringing it up - she's come to that decision alone.

So - I want to put some legal protection in place - including granting parental responsibility to my partner, and appointing my dad as a 'guardian' in case anything happens to either of us. And immediately hit some snags! It seems I can't allocate parental responsibility unless we're married or in a civil partnership - and all the forms etc mention mediation is mandatory before you can apply for a Child Arrangement Order - but I don't know where he lives or how to contact him! I also don't really want to 'lift that rock' of contacting him in case he demands access - I don't think she would cope well at all after all this time. I'm waiting to hear back from some solicitors, but wondered if anyone else has dealt with anything similar?

His family were always spread about, I’ve found a cousin but they havent heard from him for years either. He was working close to our home, i’ve discreetly reached out a few years ago and was told he’d left the job and the area - they obviously couldn’t give me his forwarding address and they were under the impression he’s been sofa surfing since we split with no long term address.

Same for friends - all the ones i knew lost touch with him when he left the area. They’ve told me his number changed and they have no idea either. I suspect it was motivated by a wish to avoid paying child maintenance, but they managed to track him down before he left his job.

I’ve already explained in a previous post. Plus, my main issue is awarding ANY relative PR - even a sibling or grandparent. I cannot do that without the ex’s permission - and i cant find him.

Yes, my older daughter is also an option - but she’s 26 and has her own life. My dad took early retirement, is super close to my daughter and understands her needs and issues. Yet i cannot add either of them as guardians or award PR without the ex’s consent - who i cant find.

he must have been working though if CMS are taking payment from him.

how long were you with him? never met his parents? siblings? friends?

but even if you found him and he granted consent

you still wouldn’t be able to unless your married or civil partnership

so if you’re not prepared to do that with your partner, there’s no point even trying to find the ex

And even if we DID marry or enter into a CP, i STILL have to apply for PR for him AND have the ex’s permission. So literally nothing has changed - marrying my partner will not find my ex.

She’s at an age where if your ex decided to pursue in the event of your sudden demise… she could easily vocalise her preference and she would be listened

no one can physically force a 14/5/16 year old to live with anytime they don’t want to

I did it without any problems. Absent father with no contact for four years now. I just applied as a lone parent and said whereabouts of father was unknown. Nobody batted an eyelid.

Exactly!! Which is why i wanted to ask if anyone else has dealt with a fully absent parent and how the courts etc approach things. I cannot even start a child arrangement order without attending mediation with the ex - who i cant find. I want to know are there any other routes i can explore, not just for my partner but also to give my dad / eldest daughter some authority

indeed.

no point looking for ex unless you’re willing to marry / civil partnership if you want your current DP to be able to take responsibility for her.

and as for your dad, as a teenager she says she wants to live with her grandparent rather than a man she hasn’t seen in years… this would have a great deal of weight to it in the eyes of the courts

Sorry - misread your post. If he was to agree, yes we can name anyone on a PR order. But it needs both parents permission plus mandatory mediation first.

in the age of google it’s really quite straightforward if you look harder enough

you don’t appear to have ever met a single member of his family? if i’m mistaken, then google them! get in contact with them!

and as for this cousin… this cousin will have family that know your ex. Ask his cousin for anyone who make have his details

you know his line of work

he won’t have changed his surname!

if you can’t do this, hire a PI and i reckon it will be an afternoon’s work!

given you think he’d be after the CB

given he has paid CMS throughout his absence

why do you think he’ll give consent to this?

She's 13

Some years ago a mother at my childrens infants school died (drugs I believe) her kids stayed living with her partner.

No idea what happened to their dad.

I suspect to be honest that as the saying goes possession is 9/10ths of the law.

If you get run over by the proverbial bus tomorrow, well nobody knows where her dad is to tell him. Who's going to track him down? Not your father or partner.

The docs say that your father is her guardian.

Unless a particularly officious social worker steps in, and there is no obvious reason why they should, given her age I suggest that in practice you dont have anything to worry about.

I have no way of knowing what he would do. He’s money driven and maintenance gets taken directly from his salary. He refused voluntary payments.

Already tried the family - the ones I’ve spoken with have no idea. He’s gone non-contact on them too.

He’s changed jobs/ careers. Was previously emergency services and left that a few years ago.

The last i did hear was that he was living with some woman and her kids - no idea who or where. If its anything like our relationship, everything was in my name - even his bank statements came to me for around a year after he left. Sofa surfers dont tend to have fixed addresses. I also suspect he has debts based on some bailiff letters i had. I suspect he’s quite happy living under the radar.

well at least you know he’s not sofa surfing anymore

He won’t be a sofa surfer if he is being paid via PAYE and CMS being deducted every month

means he has a steady job
a bank account
and permanent residence

He quite clearly doesn’t want to be found. Not by you. Not by family.

There is nothing to suggest he’d pursue this

He has paid his financial obligations despite having no involvement so i really can’t see a poxy CB meaning he wants to take on a teen girl

for the last time… your daughter at her age will pretty much be able to say where she wants to live and if that’s with her grandfather, there won’t be a problem (assuming of course the courts would have no issue with him per se)

I'm blocked on all his social media.

so he is on SM?

anyway i’ll bow out
it’s a non issue really gocen your daughter’s age

He was. Ive no idea now. Doesn’t show up on any public search - i’ve also had colleagues (who he wouldn’t know) check, no luck.

As i said, I’d imagine he’s quite happy not being found. Long story but he was called to an incident years ago and it was someone he knew. After the funeral he started spending time with old school friend who were drug users, and although I couldnt prove it, i suspect he began using due to his changes in behaviour - possible PTSD but wouldn’t seek help. Over the next year he got more involved with these people and i was told he owed them a lot of money. About this time i also caught him cheating, hence the split. I was led to understand that he failed a drugs/ fitness test and had to leave his job. If he’s still involved in that life, it makes perfect sense that that he prefers not to be found.

The is a lot of incorrect opinion on here. Get proper advice from a solicitor.

@whatcolourarepolarbears

My main query is how do you go about anything legal when you cannot find the other parent ??

Again I'm in the US so this may not apply. But here in the case of an absent parent (or unlocatable spouse in divorces) you do what searches you can (friends, family, jobs) and if you aren't able to find them, then there are notices published in your local paper and in the local paper of the last known address you have for him. You have to publish daily for a certain period of time (don't remember how long) but if there's no response you can file for court orders 'in absentia' and get an order 'by default'.

Above PP said to speak to a solicitor. I agree. That will get you your definitive answer.

Thats broadly the same advice I have been given in the UK

Yiou ask the Court for permission to serve papers by way of an advert/Social Media/Whatever