Child rights with absent dad?

[whatcolourarepolarbears]

My ex walked out 9 years ago and last made an effort to see our daughter (13, ASD/ADHD) in 2016 - that was for 45 minutes. The last regular contact he had was the year before for a few days every other month. It was his choice - I've never withheld contact, but didn't reach out to him either. He's a grown man who was sadly distracted with other women, our daughter was low on his priority list. I stayed in that house for another 4 years, never changed my number/email/socials so he can still contact if he chooses. I believe he's changed his number, and I'm blocked on all his social media.

In 2017 I met my new partner - we took things slowly, and moved in together 2 years ago. He's amazing with her, she adores him and life is pretty good. Her autism means she fixates on things, and the latest is us dying - she's worried about what will happen to her.(I believe it's triggered in part from watching Annie and seeing the orphanages..)She stopped mentioning her dad months before his last visit, and hasn't ever spoke about him or asked. She introduces my partner as 'step-dad' without us bringing it up - she's come to that decision alone.

So - I want to put some legal protection in place - including granting parental responsibility to my partner, and appointing my dad as a 'guardian' in case anything happens to either of us. And immediately hit some snags! It seems I can't allocate parental responsibility unless we're married or in a civil partnership - and all the forms etc mention mediation is mandatory before you can apply for a Child Arrangement Order - but I don't know where he lives or how to contact him! I also don't really want to 'lift that rock' of contacting him in case he demands access - I don't think she would cope well at all after all this time. I'm waiting to hear back from some solicitors, but wondered if anyone else has dealt with anything similar?

She's fully competent but obvs with autism there are complexities. She's high-functioning and very able to speak her mind, so I would hope that her wishes are also taken into account should anything happen!

@whatcolourarepolarbears

I'm in the US so this may not help you. Plus there's no 'child benefit' to entice an absent parent to suddenly want to be parent of the year for financial reasons.

The situation re a parent having priority is the same, though. And my BFF's exH was a drug using, greedy waste of space. So she made a will specifying that any/all inheritance for her DS be held in trust with me as the trustee with instructions that it be used for education and her son's direct needs. I was also named his co-guardian along with one of her brothers with the preference that he live with me/my family, but that wouldn't have been enforceable if her ex contested it. These were written up as two separate clauses in her will. And his absence from his child's life and the fact that he didn't pay child support were documented with the will.

So even if her ex had demanded custody (the US term) he would have had no access to any of her DS's inherited funds. Any/all requests would have had to go through me and he would have known that I would only release sums after airtight proof that it directly benefited the child. And that I would have paid the sums directly to the provider and not to him, if at all possible. She knew that he wouldn't burden himself with the child if it didn't include access to his inheritance.

Luckily, these 'instructions' were never needed. Hopefully your will won't be needed either. But if there's any money to be inherited, lock it down with a trustee who has your child's best interest at heart. It may remove an incentive for that man to demand residence if he knows he's going to have to actually support the child.

I was just about to write what @itsgettingweird has written.

OP just make it difficult for him to get any money that goes with your DD if you get hit by a bus. Also make sure you have a replacement trustee who you know will take the accounts properly in case your dad or your DP gets hit by one also.

Edited to say: I know adults who due to their disabilities had to have siblings as trustees who took their responsibilities seriously and had all money properly accounted for.

Kindly OP if you and your partner are in a position where marriage would be a “rush” then trying to give him parental responsibility over your child is very very premature.

Yeah, I've done all this when I re-did my will a few years ago. Partner also did his, leaving it all to us/her, with an allowance to be paid for his son for the rest of his life. Ex won't be able to get his hands on any of it - however, he may try and fight for it while the penny drops.

roche you don't need both parents for school applications. I've never added ex as we have zero contact.

The relationship is not a rush - I just don't want to get married. Neither does he. Both for very valid reasons - and I don't feel I should enter into a religious arrangement just to keep my daughter legally safe.

op don't add the stepdad though. That will get messy.

Marriage isn't a religious arrangement, or at least, it doesn't have to be, but it is a legal one. Which is why it's necessary under the
circumstances.

which is fair enough

but…. does mean you don’t stand a hope in hell of doing what you want for your daughter

Yeah, I've done all this when I re-did my will a few years ago. Partner also did his, leaving it all to us/her, with an allowance to be paid for his son for the rest of his life. Ex won't be able to get his hands on any of it - however, he may try and fight for it while the penny drops.

I don't think he will fight however he will try to get the money from your DD by foul means.

The reason he won't fight is that he will very quickly find out by a searching online that due to your divorce - as long you got a consent order - he has no rights of inheritance from you.

Therefore the only way he can get money is by convincing your DD to lend him some. If he then finds out that there are trustees who will not give her large sums of money but will buy her things instead as long as the trustee thinks she needs them he will eventually give up.

you don’t wanr to get married /civil partnership (which is not religious) more than you want to do this for your daughter

And there in lies the problem

Marriage isn’t just a religious arrangement though, it’s a legal one. And a legal one that would help you do exactly what you want to do.

Marriage is a legal arrangement, not a religious one.

what’s more important to you?

And if I DO get married and we die on the M25 the following week - she's in exactly the same situation. Which is why I also want to legally name my dad as a guardian.

and op doesn’t even need to get married

it could be a civil partnership

And if I DO get married and we die on the M25 the following week - she's in exactly the same situation.

and if only you die on the M25 she’s not 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's not the ONLY legal arrangement. As I said - if I DO marry and we both die on the M25 the following week - she's no better off.

courts much more likely
to listen to a young teens preference if the man in question was married to her mother!

You won’t legally tie yourself to him but want to legally tie your child to him... 🤔

The dad as guardian thing is a separate issue. As long as she has a remaining living parent with PR, that will be first port of call.

By marrying you at least give an extra person PR, one you’d be happy with having it, if the worst was to happen.

Every situation is unique. I know my partner and trust him with my - and her - life.

Leaving him totally out of it - I still cant even name my dad as a legal guardian.

However say next week you get a dreadful illness and have 3 months to live would you marry him then?

Therefore giving your DD the chance to say "No I'm living with my step-dad not you"

what’s you issue with civil partnership?

do you co own? rent?

damn good point