Child rights with absent dad?

[whatcolourarepolarbears]

My ex walked out 9 years ago and last made an effort to see our daughter (13, ASD/ADHD) in 2016 - that was for 45 minutes. The last regular contact he had was the year before for a few days every other month. It was his choice - I've never withheld contact, but didn't reach out to him either. He's a grown man who was sadly distracted with other women, our daughter was low on his priority list. I stayed in that house for another 4 years, never changed my number/email/socials so he can still contact if he chooses. I believe he's changed his number, and I'm blocked on all his social media.

In 2017 I met my new partner - we took things slowly, and moved in together 2 years ago. He's amazing with her, she adores him and life is pretty good. Her autism means she fixates on things, and the latest is us dying - she's worried about what will happen to her.(I believe it's triggered in part from watching Annie and seeing the orphanages..)She stopped mentioning her dad months before his last visit, and hasn't ever spoke about him or asked. She introduces my partner as 'step-dad' without us bringing it up - she's come to that decision alone.

So - I want to put some legal protection in place - including granting parental responsibility to my partner, and appointing my dad as a 'guardian' in case anything happens to either of us. And immediately hit some snags! It seems I can't allocate parental responsibility unless we're married or in a civil partnership - and all the forms etc mention mediation is mandatory before you can apply for a Child Arrangement Order - but I don't know where he lives or how to contact him! I also don't really want to 'lift that rock' of contacting him in case he demands access - I don't think she would cope well at all after all this time. I'm waiting to hear back from some solicitors, but wondered if anyone else has dealt with anything similar?

If it meant the extra child benefit, probably.

the fact he is still paying maintenance monthly means he would be contacted.

And then if your partner manages to persuade him that he’s best placed to care for her, then great

if not, the sole living parent with PR and has paid CMS though out would be perfect let entitled to say… nope, she will be coming with me

but given what you outline, i would hazard a guess he’d be perfectly happy with new partner to take the reigns

Enrolled her in 3 schools since, never been asked.

he’s paying CMS

and child benefit wouldn’t remotely cover a teenager coming to live with him and would be very odd if he said yes for that reasoning

I know that adoption is a completely separate issue.

My main query is - has anyone else ever dealt with a similar issue with a non-traceable parent?

He's a very odd individual. And in addition to the CB, he'd see it as a savings exercise if he no longer had to pay CMS.

She also gets DLA for her autism/ADHD. He would totally fixate on the £££ and to hell with what's best for her.

I've never needed ds dad info to apply for schools.

He doesn't even have a uk birth certificate! (ds that is)

Op you can't legally do anything as you aren't married and dad had PR.

However, she's 13 and hasn't seen her dad since 2016 and has been raised by your DP for 5 years.

You can state a preference in your will and when they realise she doesn't know her bio father and asks to continue living with her step dad these things will be taken into account. The only thing is that he may fight it if he thinks he has to keep paying CMS. I'd look into that.

Sorry x posts

I thought that parental rights were lost when said parent hadn't seen the child for 7 years? Not sure if that's still how it works

If you can avoid the bus lane for the next couple of years op, she will be able to say precisely where and with whom she wishes to live

@itsgettingweird is right.

I know children who ended up living with a step-parent over their parents. However their step-parent had been married to their other parent at some point.

Nope it doesn't work like that.

Thank you x

I think I'll get my will reviewed just in case, make sure it's VERY clear what my wishes are and why. I'd even be happy just making my dad a legal guardian, and leaving my partner out of it if that was easier, but even that doesn't seem straightforward 🙁

Is this to satisfy her fears (which I thought from OP), or yours? (subsequent posts).
If it's hers, then I would tell her what your will states and while it's not binding it is very likely - given her age it is all likely a moot point.

If it's your fear, you will have to make more effort to contact him and resolve it.

It started as a way to reassure her, but the more I've looked into it, I've got spooked as well. Also seeing the media lately doesn't help - life is precious and fleeting - I owe it to her to make sure she's protected if something happens to me. Financially she's covered, but where and with who - not as simple!

OP If you ensure both your dad and your partner control the money to bring her up if you get hit by that bus, then I'm sure her father will decide that it is easier to let your partner look after her.

No, they never get revoked.

I hope so - but then that still means they cant make any decisions for her, such as authorising medical treatment, schooling etc.

indeed

not unless… you get married and civil partnership

is your partner still married to ex?

I bet the worry.

My ds hasn't seen his dad since he was 2. His dad didn't maintain the contact we agreed and I moved back to uk and him to his new wife's country.

Everything online about PR is scary.

But I've never had an issue (admittedly I'm currently still alive 😂 and didn't have a DP).

But I've never needed a letter to travel with him, I've made all medical decisions without being asked about another parents POV (ds is disabled and also has asd). There are rules. But the authorities also recognise that it's becoming more common for families to split and not see the other parent and also much more sensible when making decisions with the child's best interest at heart.

Nope. Neither of us are still married - both divorced many years ago.

It's hard. I want to be able to do the right thing for her - which is more important than ever as she technically only has me - but I'm hitting barriers everywhere!

She's 13. She's in her last necessary school where parental input is required.

Also at 13 provided she's hillock competent she can make her own decisions re medical treatment. It's only elective anyway. In an emergency they'll do what needs doing - they'd do that whether mum and dad lived next door to the hospital and had been married forever. If a child is bleeding profusely they aren't going to wait for permission to treat them they may not even have identified them before they operate!

Sorry if that sounds too graphic but I'm trying to illustrate that what's written down and the realities aren't completely married up!

Gillick (not sure why my iPad wanted to say hillock?!)