Child rights with absent dad?

[whatcolourarepolarbears]

My ex walked out 9 years ago and last made an effort to see our daughter (13, ASD/ADHD) in 2016 - that was for 45 minutes. The last regular contact he had was the year before for a few days every other month. It was his choice - I've never withheld contact, but didn't reach out to him either. He's a grown man who was sadly distracted with other women, our daughter was low on his priority list. I stayed in that house for another 4 years, never changed my number/email/socials so he can still contact if he chooses. I believe he's changed his number, and I'm blocked on all his social media.

In 2017 I met my new partner - we took things slowly, and moved in together 2 years ago. He's amazing with her, she adores him and life is pretty good. Her autism means she fixates on things, and the latest is us dying - she's worried about what will happen to her.(I believe it's triggered in part from watching Annie and seeing the orphanages..)She stopped mentioning her dad months before his last visit, and hasn't ever spoke about him or asked. She introduces my partner as 'step-dad' without us bringing it up - she's come to that decision alone.

So - I want to put some legal protection in place - including granting parental responsibility to my partner, and appointing my dad as a 'guardian' in case anything happens to either of us. And immediately hit some snags! It seems I can't allocate parental responsibility unless we're married or in a civil partnership - and all the forms etc mention mediation is mandatory before you can apply for a Child Arrangement Order - but I don't know where he lives or how to contact him! I also don't really want to 'lift that rock' of contacting him in case he demands access - I don't think she would cope well at all after all this time. I'm waiting to hear back from some solicitors, but wondered if anyone else has dealt with anything similar?

yes Op, You trust him

but from a courts perspective, they just see a boyfriend.

Your hands are tied with regards to naming your dad as guardian for as long as she has a dad who has PR.

Your only options are to either marry and give someone else PR (your partner) which gives another option if something happened to you, or ask her dad to legally give up PR and then name your dad guardian without marrying.

Your legal options are pretty limited but she's 13. If the worst happened her views would be taken into account.

No court would send a teenager to live with a father she doesn't know over her preferences to remain with step dad / grandparent.

not a step dad

in eyes of court

mother’s boyfriend

It's not very easy to give up PR as remember it is the child's right to know and have their biological parent in their lives, not the person who wants to parent them.

They've been together 7 years.

@rochenut

Thanks for the pedantry 😳

I've never had any trouble getting my ds into a school without dh around!

bugger all to do with pedantry

the distinction is relevant to the crux of the thread

but sure… make it about yourself 😆

@rochenut

Thanks for the telling off 😳🤣

Quite all right 😆

Marrying your partner may give him more clout in court if needed to argue that your daughter remain with him. But it certainly does not give him PR as has been suggested here.

Thanks for all the responses - much to think about. To clear up a few questions -

Re civil partnership - we already have the property and finances sorted out, wills, life insurance, pensions etc - so no real benefit to US. However, in the absence of marriage, it is something I'll have to consider.

Re marriage - I had a horrendous first marriage/divorce - so did he. Too much to get into, and largely irrelevant for this thread - suffice to say, I never want to do it again. Plus - he's pretty religious and I'm not at all - he wouldn't want to make vows like that unless it's in a religious setting and he knows I'm not a believer - so he also knows they'd be meaningless on my part. Not the best start. We agreed very early on that neither of us wanted marriage again - and we haven't changed our minds. It's not for everyone.

Everything else in our lives has been sorted legally to protect both sides, but also provide in the event of something happening. I (naively, perhaps) thought this would be a similar thing to sort - clearly not. I'm going to get a solicitor to review my will to make it as watertight as possible, and explicitly state that they are to take her wishes into account. If the worst happened tomorrow, my dad and partner would share care (dad's retired), I also have an older daughter (26) who would help.

I just want to prevent any interference from the ex who would only show up if he suspected there would be £££. He's also the type to show up crying, saying I've always kept them apart, and he's missed his 'ickle girl', making a fuss and generally making it all about him (typical narcissist behaviour). The last time he showed up at the door in 2016, she didn't even recognise him - had to ask me who it was.

(Not meaning to drip feed info at all, but a recent cancer scare on my part hasn't helped much either. Luckily it was all clear, but it certainly sharpens the focus on things like this).

so no real benefit to US.

aside from making everyone’s lives a little easier in the event that you die prematurely

Maybe they can incorporate that into the vows 😏

🤷
you can’t change this op (and it’s a good thing anyway)

So, you’ll just have to put this to bed, because even if too do make contact with your ex and happy to do whatever, if your dp remains your boyfriend, now’t that can be done

Having a dc with someone and giving them PRR by co- registering the birth with them is the biggest commitment you can make to another person.

It's almost unbreakable.

Even dads who rape their dc don't lose their PRR!

There's nothing you can fo apart from campaigning to your mp to change the law.

Im not looking to remove his PR, just add on someone additional due to the fact i have no idea where he is

this is odd

You want to do something for your daughter desperately

but one of the two things necessary to progress this (the other being to get you ex’s agreement) you are steadfastly unwilling to do.

I dont think its odd at all. Marriage is a legal process - parental responsibility allocated to a grandparent or a partner in the event something happens to me is another legal process. I honestly don't see why i should go through some sham (to me) religious procedure to achieve this. Me marrying someone automatically grants them PR, however unsuitable. This is a conscious, planned decision with the full support of all involved.

If i had any siblings, it would be the same as me naming them in a will as guardian. Its a preference on my part rather than any legal guarantee. They wouldn’t be able to make decisions on her health, schooling or even take her on holiday abroad.

i feel like this whole thread as sort of missed its target - if PR isn’t a thing, i’ll sort something else. My main query is how do you go about anything legal when you cannot find the other parent ??

you have been advised quite a few times that you have the option of a civil partnership

which is not religuous in any sense

indeed you could choose to get married in a registry office but a registrar if you selected marriage

but what’s your issue with a civil partnership?

without his contact details, nothing at all

but if you know his name, perhaps area where he lives, his profession, any previous friends, any family member etc

then pretty sure you could locate him

do you not know a single member of his family?

Have you contacted a solicitor about this? We've had dealings with one when it came to a bereavement and were told they can track people down as long as you have a name and date of birth.

For what it's worth, my now husband was granted parental responsibility for my children before we were married (we were cohabiting but wedding was put off due to COVID restrictions at the time). The circumstances were different as my ex (their dad) had died so we didn't need another parent to consent but being married was not a condition for being grated parental responsibility for us.

But also, you are misunderstanding a few points.

1. marriage is not a religious contract. It is a legal contract.

2. marriage does not give the other adult automatic parental rights over any children involved. This is a separate and very expensive process. About 6k as both you and your partner will need separate legal representation. There will be an interview with your daughter etc. Your boyfriend would have to take you to court to apply for PR and you then formally agree to it. Plus the biological parent needs to agree if alive. The whole process takes around a year if uncomplicated.

@coffeenootropics has raised a good point as he's on your DD's birth certificate then you should know his name and his profession. Then it's a case of either trying to find him yourself using things like social media or hiring someone to do it for you.

BTW as you have an older adult daughter would she be willing to the kinship carer of your younger daughter, her sister, until your younger daughter is 18 if you dropped dead? I know my parents planned this and other people do rather than use a relative who is older or the same age as them. I have also known children whose legal guardians, due to the death of their parents, where their older adult siblings but the people who were their day-to-day carers were other relatives.