16yr old refusing to comply with CAO

[Stillstanding2024]

My DD is 16.5yrs old and has been under a 'live with order' since age 11. I am the non resident parent. The case history is complex with incidents of DV. DD has never been happy with the CAO citing the OP (resident parent) is controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive. DD has lived with this abusive behaviour for the last 5yrs. She's always had regular contact with me (non resident parent) and I'm the parent she has always felt safe with. Background: I am her mum and had full custody up until she was removed from my care at age 11. OP was successful at manipulating FC proceedings in 2018 and convinced the court that I had lied about previous allegations of DV and caused DD extreme emotional distress. At the time DD was too young to have her voice heard. Fast forward to now, she is 16.5yrs old and following months of difficulties with the OP she arrived at my home and has told OP she is not coming back because she can no longer live under the restraints of the CAO. DD is very mature and can articulate her reasons why continuing the CAO is not in her best interests and is affecting her mental health. I should note that the court has set the order to run until she's 18, which is in 18mths time. DD has tried to speak to OP but he has stoned walled her preferring to take legal action. I suspect because of OP hatred for me he will attempt to defame me again as he did in 2018 and have me brought before the court for breach of order? This is the first time DD has ever stood her ground and refused to comply. She has reached her breaking point and says she can't live under OP dictator style parenting. DD mental health has declined significantly since residency changed hands in 2018 and has been in therapy since 2022. To cover myself I have emailed OP 4 times asking him to please phone DD and try and resolve their ongoing problems. He has ignored all my attempts to communicate and refuses to speak with DD. OP has said if DD wants the CAO discharged then she needs to ask me to organise that. I have all the necessary paperwork and have an appointment with my solicitor to submit the C100 requesting a discharge of the order. I fully support DD but I'm aware as the non resident parent I need to be seen as neutral and trying to resolve this issue. I've done as much as I can to cover my back, so to speak but I'm extremely worried about what the OP can legally do to us while I have this order discharged. Can he successfully have me for breach of order? Could he succeed at getting an emergency enforcement order? Is there anything he can do to make DD return to him? She has made her wishes very clear and is adamant she wants to be free to move between both our homes as she pleases and see the OP on her terms. Despite the OP history of abuse DD still wants to have some sort of contact with him but is refusing to live with him. I have always supported her choice to see the OP despite my personal opinion because I work off the premise of, whatever makes my DD happy.

I'd be so grateful for advice on this matter. OP plays dirty and it's very vindictive so I'm really concerned about his next move.

Thank you for reading.

It really sounds awful . And heartbreaking to know you are the parent they should have been with .
I also think he probably hates the idea that after she is 18 she will be a lot closer to you . And you have the rest of your lives to create lovely memories. But with him she will probably always keep him at a certain distance due to his behaviour.
As it should be .
I have an awful uncle who treated his wife and kids so badly . Very abusive. And now he is an old man he is very bitter that once they turned 15/16 they had nothing to do with him . Although he is still adamant his ex wife was to blame for everything. No-one visits him

Dad will likely have spoken to a solicitor who will have advised that by the time CAFCASS report is complete and a date is through, she'll be close to 18 and the application to enforce the order is a waste of money hence him telling you to discharge him, ignore him if he wants to apply for enforcement let him pay dont waste your money discharging. A solicitor may be able to apply for legal aid for your daughter to apply herself and a free half hour consultation should help you find out if that is the case

To correct a number of posters, a lives with order applies until the child is 18. Everything else expires at age 16, but not this. However, at this age there is no way the courts will order her to return to her father against her will.

Your reply is if I wrote it myself, spot on. It's been 4 days since she told him she wasn't going back to live under a court order and he's refused all communication with her since. She's tried calling him to talk this through and he ignored her call. I've emailed him several times asking for his co operation and to put her before his hatred for me, he won't reply. Over these 4 days he's systematically cut off her pocket money, shut down her Netflix account and next will be her mobile access. Petty and childish behaviour all because she is using her voice and he can't control her. This is not love and it's incredibly sad watching her realise this. He blames me for everything, and just like your uncle, I can see him going down the same path. Thankyou for replying x

Thankyou to everyone who has replied and given me valuable advice and reassurance, particularly the few posters who have walked in my shoes and who could relate to the incidious coercive control and abuse. Thankyou x

I would get a PAC code for her phone now so she can keep her number (if she wants it) and then get a new SIM. You can get fairly cheap contracts. It is much easier to get a PAC code while the contract is still active.

She and you have been really brave in breaking away from him. I really doubt that a court will do anything. Are the school/ college involved and aware of her situation? Presumably he has convinced them that you might take her back to Australia.

I'm sorry your DP and OP have had this happen to you in family court. It's why some parents don't leave abusive relationship and why I don't like when posters are saying leave and DC won't have to see their abusive parent at all/much because there's always a chance that this will happen. The family court system is really hit or miss depending on the judge you get and it shouldn't be that way. Thankfully my abusive ex was more interested in bad mouthing and blaming me and didn't want to spend actual money fighting for more time with our DC.

It's been 4 days since she told him she wasn't going back to live under a court order and he's refused all communication with her since. She's tried calling him to talk this through and he ignored her call. It sounds like your DD is way more mature than her Dad. She sounds like she is being assertive and thoughtful in this not just reacting from a place of hurt. She sounds like a lovely young woman and I'd be proud she's been able to stand up for herself in an assertive way.

Best step now with these sort of people is to not contact him. He wants her to beg and then when he finally speaks to her she will be so relieved the abuse cycle starts again.
She could write him a letter setting out that she intends to live with you now and post it recorded delivery ( take a copy for your records).
The sort of man your ex is willl be enjoying the control and upset this is causing her.

My own daughter's dad is like this. He used to sit on the floor at hand over with his head in his hands so sympathy was instantly gained from my dds. Just dreadful behaviour. Your doing the right thing and she has every right to chose where to live now

It's likely that your ex will get similar advice.

In this context, what would an abusive man who was obsessed by controlling the situation do?

He's going to threaten to take to court, and perhaps even take to court to intimate and bully and try and scare you and your daughter to emotionally manipulate her into feeling she must move back with him.

Get legal advice to confirm the above that the court isnt going to do anything even though it's supposed to last until 18. Why? Because that's what your daughter needs to hear and she needs to understand what her father is likely to do in response. For her own sanity.

This isn't about protecting her legally. It's about protecting her emotionally too. It needs to come from a professional not just MN.

She needs to submit the relevant paperwork in her name. Not yours. Because this is her decision not yours.

Have a conversation about the concepts of consent and undue pressure generally. It's an important thing to learn. Frame it as about things more broadly. It's highly relevant to sexual relationships and feeling like you have to do certain things in bed to please a partner etc etc and totally age appropriate. Don't mention it in any way related to her Dad. Let the penny drop of its own accord.

Give her the information to enable her to make decisions independently.

He really can't see the big picture . He will lose her . It's nice she even wants to try have some sort of relationship with him.
It does sound like it's all about control. He probably thinks if he cuts her off financially and ignores her then she will run back to him .
It's not the behaviour of a good dad . And obviously none of it will be his fault . Quite narcissistic.