Wrongfully being accused by brother and wife

[ForJoyousDog]

I don't know what to do! My brother has POA for finances for my mother, which he has actioned and now deals with her banking. He and his wife are doing an audit of mum's spending since dad died in 2019. Mum became a recluse after his death, the mobility car had to be returned. I live 750 miles from mum, my brother 12 miles but to help mum I did her grocery shopping online using her debit card. This turned into birthday cards, gifts, hobby materials etc but everything with her authority to use her account and card. My brother and his wife have said that now my brother "has unrestricted access to mum's account and are working closely with the bank as there are suspicious payments that have come out of her account". I have done nothing wrong, certainly not used my mothers bank account as my own but the accusation has been going on since January, the messages I get are hateful, they are relishing trying to destroy me, my husband won't support me because he told me this would happen and he is angry as to how this makes him look. My mother has told my brother that I had authority to do any shopping etc using her card, but it is still going on. I'm not eating, sleeping and my relationship is suffering. What can I do to make this stop does anyone have any ideas please?

Since your mother has capacity to take her own decisions about spending, I would be wondering why POA was considered necessary and why your brother has it. What does he plan for your mother? If I were her, I would be looking to revoke this for a start.

Old people aren’t dc.
Good heavens if my dm spent £500 on rubbish it would not be my business if it was her own decision.

My mother has said she is writing to her bank confirming that all purchases made on her behalf she had authorised. She is getting it witnessed. Apparently my brother told her "I will get her when she least expects it". I just hope the letter helps.

Jesus, he sounds awful. Sounds like she was forced into making them POA, can you speak with her to get it removed from him?

Well if all the spending you did was prior to the POA being active and you had your Mother’s permission, then I don’t see what the problem is.

Of course it would be different if it was active and she had no capacity as she simply wouldn’t be able to give you permission and you would be abusing our position but from what you have said, this isn’t the case.

I don’t know why you are worried, just ignore them.

I can't understand the OP's angst over this. Just collate the details of what the purchases were & who they went to (e.g. if grocery shopping then surely this was delivered to mum's address?).

I think the OP was naive - whenever I bought something that mum needed e.g. toiletries/clothing etc, I used my own money/card, got the receipt, informed my brother who had financial POA, sent the receipt(s) off to him, (scanned & email) and then was reimbursed. If it was a small purchase, such as a card, then I bought it myself and mum signed it and I sent it off.

It can be very useful if the person becomes ill/housebound or in hospital for a time.

Bills still need paying which can be a problem if not everything is on DD.

If your mum still has capacity perhaps she needs a rethink or to take back control herself!

I can see how with your brother being closer he was named & it does seem as if naming you both wouldn't have worked.

Presumably this audit is with Mum's permission/at her request?

Yep. You’ve got a problem. You absolutely should not have been doing this.

How has the POA been activated if your mum still has capacity??

I think you should ask your mother to get in touch with the solicitor who helped put the POA in place and get her to explain to the solicitor that all of this was done at her request. If your mother still has full mental capacity then that should be the end of it

Print up a list of the orders you made from amazon/moonpig/supermarket shops and note down who they were for. If they were birthdays that should be pretty easy. Then send it to him. Supermarket shop is straightforward as they would have been delivered to her house.

None of those things are methods of payment. How did you pay for the stuff from Amazon etc?

Your brother doesn’t need to continue having POA. Tbf we did have a family member use a vulnerable member of the family’s personal account as a piggy bank. It does happen. Only realised after she passed away unfortunately.

That’s been explained upthread

I do have to wonder if your mother is telling you one thing & your brother something else as none of this makes sense.

The finance part of a POA is active immediately and can be used when the person still has capacity with their authority. I just signed my own POA a few days ago and that was what we were told. The welfare part only comes into play if we lose capacity but we can get our DDs to act for us with our finances at any time.

I think there's an element of that too.

Even the mother repeating what the son has supposedly said 'I'll get her when she least expects it' seems quite shit-stirry and not in OPs best interest to be told that, so why tell her?

There's something odd here.

Bombard him with receipts and email confirmations.

What exactly does he mean by that? "I will get her when she least expects it?"

He sounds so vindictive.

Pull your phone records for the past five years. You can show that you were in communication with your mother.

Were the purchases made on your own accounts using her card? Pull of the history that you can.

Were any of the gifts extravagant or out of the ordinary for your mother to purchase?

Ò@ForJoyousDog The poster above is right IMO. By all means send a letter to the bank, but she should also be speaking to the lawyer who wrote the POA and giving him a copy of the witnessed letter too. Your Brother is wayyy overstepping his authority as a POA for your Mum

Your Brother is wayyy overstepping his authority as a POA for your Mum

Unless she has asked him?

Your Brother is wayyy overstepping his authority as a POA for your Mum

Not necessarily. He’s looking into suspicious payments which means that potentially there are things which don’t look right - he’s duty bound to do this if he has poa and from what the OP says, her DM is aware he’s doing this. The OP and their mum should be able to demonstrate that everything was approved and that should be the end of it. If there are payments which the DM didn’t know about as happens if someone is being scammed then that will be flagged up to the bank and rightly so.

Why are people still asking this?

A financial LPA can be used at any time, with the permission of the person who still has capacity. It doesn't have to be activated as such.
My mum was paralysed by her stroke, so unable to do any of her own shopping. However she had full capacity and was perfectly able to make her own decisions. My brother and I used it to pay her bills, and bought birthday and Christmas presents on her behalf online.

The health and welfare LPA, on the other hand, can only be used when the donor loses capacity to make their own decision