Chances of 50/50 custody ?

[Beebop669]

Hi all 😊

Seeking advice on the chances of 50/50 custody.

My ex parter was present for the beginning of the pregnancy but later decided that travelling was his main priority and left.

He has contributed nothing financially since leaving and I can’t see him doing so until after the baby is born as he has took unpaid leave to travel.

There has been minimal contact but he is insistent on 50/50 custody from birth.

I want him to be present in our child’s life but I do not wish to give 50/50 custody due to his absence and lack of contribution financially.

I do not believe that after the baby is born he will change his ways and I believe he will continue to prioritise drugs, drinking and partying and I do not wish for my child to experience this instability (to summarise my reasoning)

On a personal level the thought of giving 50/50 custody and missing out on time with my baby from birth breaks my heart. I’m confused and angry as to why he thinks he can just be absent, leaving me to pick up the pieces yet expect equal rights?

Has anyone been through something similar or can offer some advice on the chances of him getting 50/50 custody?

Please no questioning on why I’m having a baby with this man, it was unplanned and what’s done is done. It was a long term on and off relationship that has finally come to an end. I am very excited for my baby but my main concern is stability for my child and I don’t believe 50/50 custody would help.

I do not expect this. However, I do expect him to prepare for the child coming which he has yet to do.

Prepare in what way?

In buying the essentials needed or helping with the costs of these

Assume you're too far gone for a TOP? TBH I wouldn't contact him, give the baby your name, don't put him on the birth certificate. Wait for him to make the effort. He probably won't.

He doesn't have to pay maintenance before baby is born and if he isn't going to be having the baby overnight assuming you're going to BF he doesn't need a cot/ clothes/ pram etc. if you want him to have limited contact then don't expect him to have all that stuff at his house?

Why should he help with the cost of these things for your house when he will need to buy the same things for his house? As I presume you are going to let him have a decent level of contact as that’s what’s right for the child. Are you going to help him buy essentials for his house too?

Op, for the first few months, baby will (hopefully) sleep, eat and be awake for chatting, cuddling and play, and will initially need you as primary cater to bond with.

you may want and enjoy visitors, or you may not.

dont try and plan too much because it will all work around babies needs and those are to come. It’s fine for you to communicate that you will be main cater with baby, and it won’t be 50/50 for a baby. It will be what is best for baby. Contact and PR are not dependent on financial support being paid/meet child’s needs. Is he just wanting to not pay cm? If so, charming behaviour towards his baby….

agree with others, don’t be running to him, you need to look after yourself and growing baby then caring for baby. If he reaches out offering help, decide if there is anything that would be good, meal, someone to do some washing, sleep, break for you to bathe, have a walk, 10mins alone, adult to chat with. As baby grows things change, but it’s not going to be him demanding.
wishing you luck.

50/50 from birth just isn’t going to happen. But it might be something to work towards.

Current thought is contact that is little and often is best for a non-residential parent. That is several times a week for an hour or two at a time. And the primary caregiver might be present too. Overnights would need to be built up to slowly. There is a lot of psychological research into this.

So please don’t worry yourself too much on that score.

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On practical matters, you cannot put his name on the birth certificate. He must choose to go on it or the courts must put his name on it.

You can ask him to go with you to register the birth but I would strongly suggest that you register the baby’s birth by yourself. Why? Because it is easier and less stressful for you in the long term. Register the birth on your own and tell him that he needs to complete some forms to be added as father. Then the ball is in his court. Co sign the forms if asked as it won’t cost you anything. Forcing him to go through the courts to be added will only lose you good will.

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As to baby names - you sound sensible enough to give the child your surname. Read some other threads to see why nobody regrets giving their child their own surname but so many regret giving their child the father’s name. FYI - you can give your child any surname you want so you could give him the father’s surname without the father’s name on the birth certificate. But don’t. Only hyphenate if you feel you absolutely must.

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Child support - he is liable whether or not he is on the birth certificate. Claims are not back dated so make a claim as soon as the baby is born if you need the money.

If you don’t need the money, consider that many men say they will go for 50/50 purely to avoid paying child maintenance. You may decide not to pursue maintenance if you don’t need it which might mean that he won’t try for 50/50 custody.

Also, bear in mind that child maintenance is a pittance. You may do better with a private agreement with him.

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With regards to him buying things before the baby arrives, I can absolutely understand your point. But he has no obligations until the baby actually arrives. If you wanted him to be involved up to 50/50, I would suggest saving the receipts for everything you buy and then giving him a bill for half when the baby arrives. But you don’t want 50/50 so don’t do that. But you can make it clear that if he expects you to provide everything, he will also have to provide everything when he does have the baby which will mean an awful lot of duplication.

Now, realistically, he won’t be more than a visitor for quite some time. Therefore, you are going to be paying for everything. It sucks. Maybe giving him a bill for 50% isn’t such a bad idea after all?

Good luck with the birth. Please don’t worry about custody. This is going to be an amazing time for you, with or without your ex around.

What shit standards you must have, there’s LOADS the father could be doing right now. If it was me I would be keeping in contact and be communicating well with the pregnant mother. I’d be asking if I could assist in anyway, helping with any multivitamins and things she needs to stay healthy. Offering to transport her to appointments. Trying to involve myself in the scans so I could support her, plus bond with the baby. I’d be looking for secure employment so I could find suitable accommodation, and be putting money aside for future costs, plus buying in things that the baby will need. I’d be having gentle conversations with mum on parenting techniques, and how contact will likely look like. And yes, I’d rub her bloody feet if she asked me to too!
But you think it’s fine for him to stay jobless so he can go travelling round going on drug binges, only contacting the op to threaten her with court and taking her baby away from her? Nice 👍

😂😂😂 I’m the one who has shit standards when it’s OP who got up the duff by this useless man😂😂 She could have picked a better dad for her kid.

Honestly, your suggestions are fucking ridiculous. Get her multivitamins?! What is she ..3?! Is she unable to pick up a box in Tesco herself 😂 Should he spoon feed her breakfast while he’s at it. She’s a grown women and can take a multivitamin on her own and I’m sure she can get to her own midwife app as well.
He doesn’t need to play taxi.

You are essentially saying he should be running around after her for completely mundane things she’s more then capable of herself. Couldn’t come up with anything better then multivits and being a taxi😂

The OP already said he’s taking Unpaid leave at the moment which means he already has a job too.😬 missed that bit?

He’s also not taking her baby away from her. It’s their baby. They will both be parents. 👍🏻 She was clearly ok with his character before and thought he would be a suitable dad and If she didn’t want a man like this to be the father of her child then she should of put more effort into not getting pregnant by one.

Useless man ? Yet you’re the one saying he couldn’t be doing any more?

Theres no need to be so nasty about the situation.

Like I said, it was unplanned and I had left him before I found out I was pregnant. Failed birth control if you must know.

I was simply wondering what the chances were of him getting 50/50 custody and giving context on the situation.

It was my belief that if he was wishing for 50/50 custody and was willing to fight for it, which I believe he would be, his lack of preparation, contribution, interest and income should be considered.

I would struggle to hand my child over to someone who has not prioritised the needs of his child hence why I would be against 50/50 custody.

How could I send my child to his house for days knowing he couldn’t meet the child’s needs?

May I make two points.

Firstly how realistic would it be for your childs father to get 50% custody? Where does he live, what does he live in? What work does he do? How does it fit in with his current lifestyle?

These are all issues you need to get advice on.

Secondly what about his drink and drug use? Again get advice but do you have any evidence of this? Also testing hair can reveal drug use over a long period, would it be possible to ask for his hair to be tested for drugs ideally at short notice AND draw a negative inference if he refuses.

Again you need proper advice.

Finally will he actually go for it? Bear in mind that if he uses a Solicitor, they are bound by regulations to stop them playing the fool even if he isnt.

Do you really think he'll bother? Don't get in touch when baby is born and see how long it takes him to do anything.

This.

Agree re not putting him on the birth certificate - him having PR isn't a good idea if he is unstable.

Ok so limit contact it isn’t helping .

Where is he going to be having this baby if he is jobless and travelling .

Don’t mix up that dad you would like him to be vs the dad he will be .

b feeding will help ensure no overnights .

courts don’t care about what he has prepared or maintenance. The drugs are far more of a concern .

He may well have things for the baby ….he doesn’t need to provide you with things for YOU to use for the baby…..in reality in the early days he would only need a pram, crib, clothing and nappies and feeding stuff…..little babies don’t need much….later on he can get a high chair …..anyway the decision won’t be yours to make if he goes to court…..he certainly doesn’t have to contribute anything before the birth

There's no evidence that the father here will do any of that though. He sounds feckless rather than abusive.

The father should have a right to be on the birth certificate unless there is strong evidence of him posing a risk to the child. That's just not the case here and the mother is encouraging of him having a role in the child's life.

It's damaging to use leaving someone off hr birth certificate as a deliberate delaying tactic, because it will gradually increase suspicions and accusations of this behaviour in the family court even for those women who have genuine serious safeguarding concerns.

Not if that father doesn’t assume practical, emotional and financial responsibility.

Sadly you’re very naive. Some men will do anything not to pay the ex, then baby ends up looked after by his mum or new girlfriend. The motivation for 50/50 isn’t always love. Many of us have seen this play out so are quite jaded. Any man thinking a newborn away from mum from birth is best for the child is an idiot.