ExH wants the house

[DreamyJasmine]

ExH and I's divorce was finalised a few months ago but no financial order is in place.

Married 20 years with 3 DC. He walked out unexpectedly just over a year ago which turned my world upside down and I am still adjusting to working FT and having DC apart from EOW.

I never thought he would come after anything financially, at the beginning of the breakup he said everything was mine.

However, he is now pressing for all marital assets to be fairly split (the house to be sold) after disclosing he has sought legal advice and attended mediation, which will be financially and emotionally devastating.

Before marriage, I had a mortgage on a small property and after DC bought a larger property, everything is in my name as well as the mortgage. EXH has very little pension, no property or savings and appears to now be in debt.

I am petrified of having to sell and split the house. This is my and DC's home, where we are building new memories. Will I be forced to sell?

I know I need to seek legal advice but I am desperate for some advice on what to expect.

her income and contributions will also be taken into account.

Why would her income be taken into account?

her income and contributions will also be taken into account.

So much bad advice on this thread and half-truths.

From an OW who has been in this situation - my income or contributions were not taken into consideration in any way shape or form.

When my div took place after 8 years of marriage without the exh contributing to the mortgage yet paying small bills.

I was told he was entitled 1/2 of equity. And if I couldn't afford to buy him out , they could put a charge on the house , so he then gets half of it when sold.

If you have children I think they're more likely to do that , that they can live in house until 18 and a charge is put on house .

I did buy his side out. Paying him lump sums over 3 years which he agreed to. I also didn't have children.

The GFs income is taken into account because the exH and GF are sharing housing costs.

Disclaimer, I am not a solicitor, however, I am currently helping someone through their divorce and the financial hearing, and the income and expenditure of the GF in this situation has been asked for and disclosed, along with discussions of housing needs.

I've sat in on the discussions with the solicitor about this and seen the paperwork from both sides. The solicitor and barristers for both parties agreed that the GFs income and expenditure was relevant for the hearing.

The situation sounds very similar to the OPs, so I'm just sharing my experience 🤷‍♀️

and the income and expenditure of the GF in this situation has been asked for and disclosed, along with discussions of housing needs.

They can ask all they like but there is no legal requirement for the GF to disclose her income or expenditure and I would have told them where to go if they'd asked. She is in no way part of their divorce or financial settlement.

So dc don't have a bedroom with your ex?
Surely this shows that ex can't afford to live and provide for his dc!? and that a house sell is the best interests for the children with both mum and dad.

Especially thinking about the huge difference in financial stability.. ex has debt, little pension, no property or savings and you are the opposite?

He might not get exactly half but I bet he gets a substantial amount in all the assets (very close to 50%)

If he is living with the girlfriend she should be put in as part of the financial settlement that's fairly standard its why they tell you not too until everything is sorted

The thing is that the gf had no official status and they could split at any time so surely no different than if he were living with parents/flatmates and sharing bills? Makes no sense to take her income into consideration

It seems like when it comes to will new partner's contribution be considered, the answer is maybe, maybe not.
https://www.sadlercross.co.uk/2021/09/23/will-a-new-partner-affect-my-divorce-settlement/

I was advised my solicitor not to remarry before the finances are settled (like so was going to!!!) presumably because then new DH’s finances could be considered partly mine?

If any consolation, you have held the purse and had the money. You can do it

I do not believe the OW has a large income due to studying and having a young DC of her own.

In regards to my DC not having bedrooms, I can not see how it is entirely my problem when my EXH should ensure he had adequate rooms available for his DC not just OW DC.

If OW's financial situation- income and expenditure are taken into account, does this mean her DC is too? Why should the martial assets be any part of the OW and her DC??

I think you're failing to understand that the very fact that he hasn't been able to "ensure your kids have a room in his house" is because he doesn't have money. So he needs some of the equity in the house in order to adequately house himself and his children.

I get that you're hurting and angry but the longer you bury your head in the sand, the worse it will get. He is definitely entitled to something. It's not your house and your pension. They are marital assets. you said it yourself that he took care of the kids and did school runs to support your career, so why should he leave empty handed?
stop fooling yourself thinking you can keep it all and start negotiating a split.

This. If he wants to get nasty, he can use the lack of bedrooms for the children, which he can argue was caused by your failure to cooperate with mediation, as evidence he should get more than 50% of family assets. If he gets really nasty and the children are young enough that their opinions aren’t fully taken into account (or they wouldn’t say they don’t want to live with him) and he can produce evidence he was the one doing the school runs etc. to facilitate your career, he could argue in court you are deliberately blocking his relationship with the children by withholding his share of the assets and that they should be living with him. Worst case scenario, you could end up with EOW (so paying substantial child support on top).

His lack of space and money to see his children is not necessarily a good thing for you when he can argue you caused it.

Do I think the above is true? No, I actually don’t. Do I think a good lawyer could convince a court it’s true? Quite possibly.

Your child maintenance claim will be affected if/when he declares he's living in a home with another child.

Definitely lawyer up OP. I divorced 15 years ago, 3 kids but only one dependent on me. 3 bedroom house with a small mortgage. No pensions, I was the lower earner and had to go full time very quickly (was always my Intention anyway)

I obtained a Mesher order and ended up with an 82/18 split when the house was finally sold upon one of the events being triggered. I was incredibly lucky and my case is the exception rather than the rule but unlikely this would happen now.

I have applied for a free initial consultation with a firm but I do not know how I am meant to fund ongoing legal advice.

My salary has been utterly stretched to the max since EXH left and apart from small personal savings (which may tide me over a few appointments), I will not be able to afford a Lawyer.

I am also wondering if my savings will be put into the pot and what would happen if I used it for legal advice so there is nothing left to negotiate.

I am 99% certain EXH will not be able to afford a solicitor either. I have had a bailiff at my house regarding his financial mess since he left.

I am exhausted and heartbroken it has come to this. My marriage ended and now the house could be split, which we would not have been able to afford if I did not already have my property before meeting EXH.

I am certain the DC do not want to stay at EXH any more than they are though I am sure it is different for him.

Been through similar a couple of years ago. Higher earner but had the kids full time. The split was 49/51 to me and I bought him out. Everything went into the pot, but not pensions, he was disinterested in that side of things. Not much weight goes to the responsibility for the children, that's been my experience and the experience of others I've spoken to in similar situations. There's an assumption that the measly amount of child maintenance they might pay is enough to cover that.

Ex claimed he needed the money to house his children, that was a load of bollocks (he doesn't) but the court doesn't really look that deeply into things, it's just a numbers exercise.

It's gut wrenching, I get it, to have ex want to chuck children out of their home so he could get a fat wad of cash to spend on himself but there's not much can be done about it.

I think you need to assume 50/50 of everything, including debts snd pensions. Figure out if you can buy him out. The rest is detail and you'll need to figure out how much you will spend for the chance that you could sway it by a few percent. I did most of the legal work myself so kept costs low but it took a lot of time and energy. And got a barrister at the end, I put the cost on my credit card, so he effectively paid half of my legal fees (remember, debts go in the pot too 😉) so that cheered me up somewhat, but might not be accepted in other cases.

I think you're failing to understand that the very fact that he hasn't been able to "ensure your kids have a room in his house" is because he doesn't have money. So he needs some of the equity in the house in order to adequately house himself and his children.

What if that means the OP, who has the kids most of the time, can no longer afford to house them? How does that then work?

Everything will be put in to the pot op, savings, house, pension, any other assets. It will be shared fairly between you.

That would be taken into account, but adequately housing could mean the kids sharing a room, and downsizing.

I'm afraid op, the reason he can't currently adequately house his children is because you have all the joint assets! He is absolutely as entitled as you are to the equity in the house.
You will get half the equity (ish) as a deposit on your next house, plus maybe your initial deposit will come back to you as yours alone.
I'm guessing he possibly wants his share of the equity to buy a larger house with his gf so that he can house his dc. Which is absolutely reasonable.
Most people have to downsize upon divorce.
It's what stops many people from divorcing.

No shit Sherlock. That wasn’t the point of my post.

This is a very good point about people not divorcing. I know numerous people who live separate lives but don’t live apart because it is not financially sustainable to have two residences.
A friend and her husband lived together separately in a two bedroom flat in an expensive area because their daughter attended a local school and no way could they have bought two residences locally. They were amicable but no sex since the daughter was born (she is now 15) and she had a long term FYB over those years and met they met at the FWB place.
Solution worked for them.
Another couple live in a large house with their adult two sons entirely separately but won’t divorce as one son has complex SN -again not financially it practically viable to find two residences. He has multiple ‘girlfriends’ who she turns a blind eye to as he visits them…She is a 56 and a very low earner who would find it impossible yo live on her income. Suits them both.
Very common scenario.

Thank you @arethereanyleftatall and @Coincidentally . The only two posters who have properly addressed the OP.

@DreamyJasmine - OP, I saw your thread on teh day you posted. I only had one question: Were you honestly unaware that if the 2 of you cannot independently afford to house the DC in 2 premises, that means 1) the house (assets) would have be shared 50/50 as a starting point ad 2) were you honestly unaware that there are countless spouses who remain in their shitty marriages simply because they cannot house their DC otherwise/ cannot afford 50/50 split of asserts?

If so, you madam live a sheltered life! Everyone in the UK is aware of the above. Everybody!