ExH wants the house

[DreamyJasmine]

ExH and I's divorce was finalised a few months ago but no financial order is in place.

Married 20 years with 3 DC. He walked out unexpectedly just over a year ago which turned my world upside down and I am still adjusting to working FT and having DC apart from EOW.

I never thought he would come after anything financially, at the beginning of the breakup he said everything was mine.

However, he is now pressing for all marital assets to be fairly split (the house to be sold) after disclosing he has sought legal advice and attended mediation, which will be financially and emotionally devastating.

Before marriage, I had a mortgage on a small property and after DC bought a larger property, everything is in my name as well as the mortgage. EXH has very little pension, no property or savings and appears to now be in debt.

I am petrified of having to sell and split the house. This is my and DC's home, where we are building new memories. Will I be forced to sell?

I know I need to seek legal advice but I am desperate for some advice on what to expect.

Marriage is at its heart the sharing of financial assets. Always has been.
You can't expect him to walk away from a 20 year marriage with nothing OP! Would you have been happy to?!

Those who say don’t get divorced till you have a financial order don’t realise now that that can happen without your consent.
My ex initiated the divorce online, and even though my solicitor wrote twice to his to ask not to get the final order before the financial agreement, he just did anyway. So we are now coming up to our second court hearing and I’ve spent 80k so far -but no choice as he wouldn’t mediate.

You’re married so it dues y matter whose name the house ( or other assets are I ) or who paid what. They will be considered joint marital
assets after such a long marriage

he will be entitled to a fair share / which could be 50-% or more or less and will depend on multiple factors

No one e here can tell you

you should take legal advice from a solicitor

Legally that's irrelevant though. It doesn't matter to the courts that he left her.
Nobody should be pretending to her that he won't get half because he probably will and that's because they were married for 20 years.

This. The OP posted in legal not divorce and separation (which has posters that are more likely to offer emotional support as well as legal advice).

Pretending to the OP that him leaving her will matter to the court won’t help her in any way.

Doesn't the fact that the 3 children live with OP count for anything?

Many years ago my in laws split and the court said the house didn't have to be sold until the youngest had left education.

If not too late, see if you can now have your individual intial mediation session then go to a joint one,
his individual session should just have been about the background and what the issues are the mediator would not not have advised him as such but might have said what a court would be likely to view as fair.

I know it seems galling as he left you and the kids but the law around it doesn’t take into account who left who.

Don’t be scared of mediation, they should be independent and not take sides.

also we got £500 towards the cost of ours because we were also discussing kids to some extent, I think it’s a government scheme.

He will have a claim, he won’t automatically be entitled to half.

Court will want everyone housed. OP is responsible (mainly) for 3 DC - she will likely be entitled to more of the house for that reason.

To be blunt
you refused mediation and he wants his share of the joint assets. Mediation would have made that all clear and helped come to a solution if one was possible.

it’s not your home and pension, it’s all a marital asset. I can’t say what a fair split would be, but you need to stop thinking of joint things as just yours I’m afraid

If you divorce, it is split 50/50 ? If you stay married, the one who goes first leaves everything ( no matter how much ) to the surviving spouse

How did you get divorced without a financial order? What did your solicitor advise? Whatever you need a good solicitor now. Don't rely on Google or online forums.

Mesher orders (which are what the orders like this are called) have massively fallen out of favour with the courts as they keep divorcing couples financially tied. The courts generally prefer a clean break.

They are still made occasionally but not nearly as often as they used to be.

@DreamyJasmine this will all sound harsh, I mean it kindly, but I'm not going to sugar coat in the hope it shakes you out of your current mindset.

You are "shocked" that marital assets need to be split between the two married people. All because he once said "just keep it ".

You both once said you'd stay together until death do us part. Forget what "people said." It's irrelevant to a court.

Now. You're the higher earner, which would lend a split going in his favour. But you have the kids, which would lend to things going in your favour. How old are kids? They only count, so to speak, until the age of 18.

You are in a tizz all because he said you could just stay in the house last year. He can't afford to live. He's in debt. It's both your house. Why should he get nothing in your eyes? Genuine question. Why do you think it's ok for him to gift you his entire share of the house and live with nothing?

It doesn't work that way and unless you have been living on Mars you would know person is not going to hand over half a house

Also isn't a Mesher pretty rubbish because you sell at the point when the children leave and then the split is 50:50? A clean break is often better because you can get on with your life.

You can get divorced without a consent order and without a solicitor.

Why on earth would you not expect him to take anything from the marriage? I'm shocked you're shocked. He's entitled to as much as you are (doesn't mean he'll get it but on paper...) that's what marriage is.

I'm not shocked the OP hopes for better than 5050 given she is providing the children with a home.

Interesting point about the mesher order @CandidHedgehog thanks.

This is true but if he claims the only reason he hasn’t sought 50-50 residence previously is because of lack of anywhere appropriate to take the children (and I’ve known men to make that argument just to get out of child support far less claim a bigger chunk of family assets), that argument may fall away.

I do appreciate all the replies I have gotten so far.

Some have been harder to look at than others but all helpful for me to start navigating this situation.

ExH left me I discovered he had been having an affair. He had initially said he no longer loves me, that I no longer am a wife in his eyes (intimacy was very far and few between) amongst other things.

I know he was living with friends initially after leaving and now is renting with the OW. I did not want to share these details at first due to someone recognising the situation.
I know it is unlikely but does this change anything either. I do not know the full financial situation of the OW, it appears her family are relatively wealthy but she is in a Masters's programme at the University alongside employment I do not know about. (Adding salt to the wound, she is 13 years younger than me)

So, emotionally I have been quite driven by my ExH behaviour in not dealing with this.

ExH work during the marriage was flexible around my long hours and higher paid salary so he did majority of school runs/after school and pre school care.

That house was his home too. He contributed to the household just like you. Why should he not be entitled to a share?

Marriage is a partnership

For you OP, it's actually good that he's living with the OW.

The court will take his needs into consideration as well as yours and as his gf is paying half the bills and rent etc (presumably) his needs will be considerably less than yours and her income and contributions will also be taken into account.

Therefore you (especially as you're housing the kids the bulk of the time) should get more out of the equity of the family home.

However, do get a clean break order or he can keep coming after you for money.

It would make sense to sell the house and make a clean split. I don’t know why you think he wouldn’t be entitled to anything? You were married and have a house and children together.

EXH and OW current living situation means there is not room for all the DC. Eldest DC does not do overnights- their own decision. But visits EXH in own time between a weekend job and friends. OW has 1 DC.

Youngest DC do EOW but the living area is converted into a part-time bedroom for them to share.

Perhaps this changes the portion of equity?

I have enquired legal advice this morning so hopefully have an appointment soon. I am grateful for all the words of advice and the not sugar-coating posts too. I need to know what I am facing and I can not be the only woman who has experienced this.