ExH wants the house

[DreamyJasmine]

ExH and I's divorce was finalised a few months ago but no financial order is in place.

Married 20 years with 3 DC. He walked out unexpectedly just over a year ago which turned my world upside down and I am still adjusting to working FT and having DC apart from EOW.

I never thought he would come after anything financially, at the beginning of the breakup he said everything was mine.

However, he is now pressing for all marital assets to be fairly split (the house to be sold) after disclosing he has sought legal advice and attended mediation, which will be financially and emotionally devastating.

Before marriage, I had a mortgage on a small property and after DC bought a larger property, everything is in my name as well as the mortgage. EXH has very little pension, no property or savings and appears to now be in debt.

I am petrified of having to sell and split the house. This is my and DC's home, where we are building new memories. Will I be forced to sell?

I know I need to seek legal advice but I am desperate for some advice on what to expect.

He isn't automatically entitled to half at all. The needs of the children will be priority. As OP is housing them the majority of the time she is likely to get a lot more than half.

But she needs to negotiate, either direct, or via a solicitor, or through mediation.

DC 12-17
I have looked into the Mesher Order, that is v .helpful, thank you.

I do not understand what position this has left me in now that the divorce is finalised. Would the split of assets be more in my favour if we were still to be legally married? Not that it will make a difference now..

EXH pays CM but very little each month.

I have not offered him anything so far. He has only sent a handful of messages saying he wants assets shared fairly and then that he has sought legal advice.

Does anyone know what his mediation may have been about if I was invited for my own but did not respond?

Whilst 50/50 isn't necessarily the case, it won't be far off. It's no different if the woman is the lower earner. Your best option is a private agreement if he'll agree to a lower amount as I expect the court would order close to 50/50 on all joint assets. If he does agree, you need a consent order drawn up and to file it to the court, this will cost a few hundred rather than thousands to go to court to fight him which you will loose. When you marry assets are pooled - it's all horrible, been through divorce after a long marriage myself but the law is clear

OP you need to put your hurt feelings to one side and move fast before the kids are almost non dependants and think critically about the finances.

What do you think the asset split should be?

Very unlikely as OP is the resident parent, and he only has the children every other week.

I don’t understand how you thought he was ever actually going to just walk away without some form of splitting of assets after 20 years of marriage. What he said verbally at the time has been reflected on and he has realised he is defo owed some form of financial split of the marital assets. After 20 years, I would expect a 50/50 split - so you sell and split the profit, or you buy him out. It won’t matter who paid the mortgage. Pensions, and any other assets, both yours and his, will be taken into account too. Get legal advice asap op.

I have not offered him anything so far. He has only sent a handful of messages saying he wants assets shared fairly and then that he has sought legal advice.

Go and get paid for advice from a family solicitor. Or it may be better in your case to get an opinion directly from a barrister who deals with financial orders. (If you do you need to have your own paperwork in order so you need to know the value of everything you have in your name and most of what he has. )

There are some assets that are difficult to split if the actual divorce has been finalised.

Then go to mediation and offer him what your lawyer advised. Obviously start with the minimum and go up to the maximum.

You need to sort this out before your eldest child reaches 18 so this means avoiding court if possible.

Would the split of assets be more in my favour if we were still to be legally married? Not that it will make a difference now..

No, it wouldn't have made any difference.

I'm sorry but do people not realise that marriage is a legal contract that you enter into and check out the implications beforehand. It's not just a big party.

Of course he is entitled to a share of the house. There's countless threads of women who were SAHM and people telling them to fight for their share.
Ultimately doesn't matter whose names it was in, the matrimonial assets are pooled and divided fairly. This will take into account needs of children too. It doesn't need to be 50 50 but it does need to allow both parties a chance to live adequately afterwards

Don't worry about the house and memories. Memories are made with you. Not with stuff.

It’s very very unlikely that a financial order would be stamped by a judge giving you 100%

it’s much more likely that a %split should be agreed between the two of you - if not then you’ll need to go to court and let a judge decide. As you’re the higher earner and your ex has debt, I would like my chances

Is my EXH able to take it to court before I seek legal advice?

I have spent some time this evening online looking at likelihoods and general advice regarding financial orders and there is a Form A either one of us can submit to a court for the financial order to be resolved. However, only after mediation has been attended. Which I know he has attended one.

In regards to a split, I do not know where to start. I need to put my emotions to one side and feel incredibly hurt and angry by many of his actions. I will book in legal advice ASAP.

Depends what he contributed, he did not bear children and he paid towards utilities, that doesn’t sound like half.

Do you know the rough value of/equity in your house?

It is rare that a Mesher Order is granted, OP. It is very likely that you will have to sell. Believe me, I feel your pain and your plight.

Although the divorce has been finalised, it's not at all too late to protect your financial future by sorting out a financial order now (better now than never!) but you will need a solicitor at this point. And you need a financial order because this will give you what is called a 'clean break'. As long as there's no financial order in place, your ex can keep coming back and making financial claims. You definitely don't want that. So by all means, at this stage, put feelings aside, lawyer up and get a financial order.
Because you're at the end of the divorce, it shouldn't take too long. Are you in London? I'll give you the name of an excellent solicitor if you are in London. He's from a family of economists and he approaches divorce like one. That's what you want! Let me know if you'd like his details.

Doesn't work like that.

Marriage is a partnership.

The advantage the OP has at the moment is the children mainly reside with her. However once they reach 18 they don't count as dependents.

It works that way if she had received legal advice before and after marriage and had him sign

There are hundreds of threads on here about SAHM who have not worked or contributed financially to a marriage, and the advice is always to fight for a fair share - how is this different for the OP's EXH?

OP, I guess 50/50 is the starting point for negotiations. Can you buy EXH out of the house? Give him some of your pension? I would get good legal and financial advice to make an offer you are comfortable with.

Why didn't you attend mediation?

I didn't attend because it was going to cost me money (online states it could take numerous sessions) I do not have the spare money right now when I am paying for everything!
and in all honesty, I can not believe he would do this to me and the children.

He already left us. Now he wants our home and my pension.

Not based in London, but close to Bristol.

Now he wants our home and my pension.

Women on here who are separating/divorcing their husbands are always told to go after the pension and make sure they get at least half the house

Interesting, I always read on here about it being split to ensure that both parties can house themselves adequately. Presumably that will mean he has to be able to rent or buy somewhere capable of housing him and his children when they visit? With his future earning potential being significantly less, could that mean him getting a higher share?

Honestly if you think having a legal argument is cheaper than mediation then you are in for a shock. Your ex is in legal terms being very reasonable.

See a solicitor next week. And take the one that is realistic because in your case, and I am being kind, you might be easy prey for a slightly unscrupulous type who gets you to spend a lot before you settle (which means a lot of money wasted and you in debt).

Unfortunately a lawyer will cost you a lot more than mediation.

You're going to have to see a lawyer.
He is entitled to a share of marital assets.
Don't keep your head in the sand.

OP does not say he was a SAHF.