ExH wants the house

[DreamyJasmine]

ExH and I's divorce was finalised a few months ago but no financial order is in place.

Married 20 years with 3 DC. He walked out unexpectedly just over a year ago which turned my world upside down and I am still adjusting to working FT and having DC apart from EOW.

I never thought he would come after anything financially, at the beginning of the breakup he said everything was mine.

However, he is now pressing for all marital assets to be fairly split (the house to be sold) after disclosing he has sought legal advice and attended mediation, which will be financially and emotionally devastating.

Before marriage, I had a mortgage on a small property and after DC bought a larger property, everything is in my name as well as the mortgage. EXH has very little pension, no property or savings and appears to now be in debt.

I am petrified of having to sell and split the house. This is my and DC's home, where we are building new memories. Will I be forced to sell?

I know I need to seek legal advice but I am desperate for some advice on what to expect.

You definitely need a lawyer. My ex husband was entitled to a sizable share of the house and half my pension despite never contributing a penny during our 13 year marriage. My solicitor herself made it very clear that was irrelevant really how we managed our finances during the marriage. In the end he did agree not to take half my pension and I bought out his share of the house so me and the kids didn't have to move.

It doesn’t matter if he was or wasn’t. If he currently only has EOW, he can argue that’s because he has nowhere to house the children so he needs more than 50% due to his lesser earning capacity to get somewhere they can stay with him.

A Mesher order is very unlikely in this situation - they were originally designed for housewives who had never worked and had no earning power. The family courts these days tend to be keen on a clean break, particularly if otherwise one of the couple has insufficient funds to house himself.

Yes. Which is why not going to mediation was a serious mistake. If the OP had got him to agree to a smaller percentage while he was still feeling guilty, then if there had been mediation, the Family Court might well have signed off on it and finalised the financial split so he couldn’t come back for more later the way he has.

She probably couldn’t have got giving him nothing past the court but an agreed split heavily in her favour might have been acceptable.

As it is, 50/50 may be the best case scenario. Worst case, he could get more.

It's not for you to offer anything. It's for the law to decide.

For everyone else, never ever finalise your divorce without getting the financial order agreed.

Mediation will be a hell of a lot cheaper than a lengthy legal battle.

It will look bad if it gets to court and you refused mediation. You have to show willingness to engage. Get legal advice first but do at least one mediation session.

Read through this:
https://www.advicenow.org.uk/divorce-and-separation
Then get some legal advice, then do mediation.

Except if she’d done mediation while he was still feeling guilty, the law allows the settlement to be varied by agreement and the court might well have agreed to a split more in the OP’s favour if her ex was in agreement and there had been mediation / legal advice.

Happy to be corrected but I’m questioning the fact that the divorce was made absolute in the absence of any financial settlement, especially where there are dependent children to consider.

No, he wants part of the home that he lived in, contributed towards, that to all intents and purposes was his for the past 20 years.

If it was the woman in his situation everyone would be fuming and demanding that she takes her ExH to court for half and that's what she deserved.. Well it's no different for you.

As another few posters have said, 50/50 is the STARTING point. If he earns less than you and has lower pensions, I'd imagine he'll walk away with more.

Both women I know who divorced and kept the house via mesher orders had full-time jobs and two or three children in the family home. And the husbands had to pay maintenance for children too. It certainly wasn't 50/50 split of house in future, more like 60/40 or in one case 80/20, as the wife had contributed most of the money towards the purchase originally. This is ten twelve years ago they divorced and they are still in family home as youngest still only 16, the other lady did have to pay up for her share, which was a stressful time as you can imagine to then find that money with the rise in house values. But others would have at that point sold up, she didn't.

Yes you can attend mediation by yourself - I did.

And yes, he may well be entitled to 50% of the house, it's a marital asset and the marriage was long. It doesn't matter that it's in your sole name or who paid the mortgage.

You ask, is your ex able to take it to court before you seek legal advice? He can start the ball rolling but it isn't that fast. You both need to submit Form E listing ALL your assets and the solicitors will advise on a fair split. If either of you drags your heels significantly, or makes poor offers then a judge can make a ruling for you. This happened to me as my ex made ridiculous offers. If either of you is thought to be hiding savings, pensions or anything else, the solicitors can request paperwork & statements dating back 10yrs to trace assets.

Ending the marriage is part of divorce so assume you have Absolute? However unless there is a financial order which details what happens to the finances then each party can claim against each other - sometimes years down the line. Therefore a financial order (which is drawn up by a solicitor or mediator) and signed off my a judge is essential.
A mediator will help both parties to come to an agreement on finances. They usually start with facts & figure..such as length of marriage, children, your ages, employment status.
Then (with your information) they list the assets, this is house, pension, savings etc.Also what is the mortgage raising capabilities of each party.

Has your ex been working and paying into a pension? If so this will need to be valued (as will yours).

I think it's best to engage with the mediator because the alternative is court which is very expensive. Think 10-15k

10-15k is very low for fees

You can’t believe he’s after what he is fairly entitled to?
Flip this on its head and everyone would telling the OP to rinse the husband etc.

You were married, your stuff is join assets and now he wants to split it. I can’t see how any of this is ‘shocking’, it’s the most basic of marriage knowledge.

I suggest you find a good solicitor as it sounds like he’s already got the ball rolling - but the likelihood is half (or thereabouts) will go to him, including selling the house to fund it if you can’t afford to buy him out.

I would 100% try and bring things back to the mediation process, and attend this with him; at least you'll be able to find out exactly what he is after, and try and find a compromise position.

Mediation is much much cheaper than going to court, and the fact that you didn't go won't be looked at favourably in court, if you do end up having to go there.

You also need to appoint a very good solicitor, very quickly.

Sorry this is happening to you OP. It sounds like very different circumstances to if the sexes were reversed, and I feel for you as it must be so worrying and stressful.

MY exH bought his house with wife number 1 12 years before I met him (when he had been divorced for 3 years). Wife number 1 received 1/2 of the equity and she and the 11 year and 6 year old moved out. She was not on the deeds, mortgage and never worked or paid anything.

10 years of being married to exH I found out he was having an affair and I was not on the deeds, mortgage and never paid towards mortgage or bills (just holidays and groceries).

My solicitor protected my interest by registering my interest in the property. Ex found out when he tried to remortgage a lot of the equity out as he only owed £32,000 at the point of divorce and due to my interest being registered, he was denied any new loan and unable to sell.

His solicitor tried to argue that I was not entitled to anything and at mediation, ex refused to discuss any settlement other than I received nothing of the assets. Mediators report was made part of case, including mediators opinions on how unreasonable ex was being towards settling the financials.

Final settlement was that I received 65% of the equity and he borrowed the cash from his parents and kept the house. The judge awarded me a higher percentage due to ex having higher earning potential.

I bought a house with the cash and am mortgage free while he still has mortgage payments and payments to his parents.

He was not happy with the settlement so decided to try to reverse the decision by representing himself to overturn the judgement. After 10 more months of court hearings, he lost, had to pay all my costs for travel, hotels and Barrister.

Before anyone feels sorry for him, when I refused to sign over my rights, he attacked me and broke 2 teeth, my wrist, 2 black eyes and the courts removed him initially for 12 months no contact and him and OW had to rent a flat and court ordered him to continue to pay mortgage, council tax and all bills until I received final settlement.

You need good legal advice as your ex will be entitled to a starting negotiation of 50/50 and if you can't mediate a settlement between you then it's in the courts hands to determine.

After you attend individual sessions with the mediator there is a session or sessions with both of you to try and reach an agreement outside court. If you didn't engage he can now apply to get financials sorted through court. He will have a claim whether that is 50% or not will depend on many things. Depending how and when and for what they were run up the debts may be considered to be marital debts and set against the equity. If you can't agree either of you can apply for a judge to decide. https://www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends/get-court-to-decide#:~:text=If%20you%20and%20your%20ex,how%20assets%20will%20be%20split.
You either need a consent order if you can agree or financial order through the court if you can't. Until one of these is done and the process correctly followed you are still financially tied together.
https://www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends

How long ago was the invite? If you didn't engage or refused mediation he can take the next step of court, which will be more expensive unless you self represent. If I was you I would contact the mediation service ask if you can still do mediation and ask if they can do something like a payment plan. To answer you're earlier question yes he can take you to court before you get legal advice, but the process isn't fast and unless you delay for ages you should have time to get advice. Being invited to mediation is really the heads up to get legal advice and engage in the process.

The best thing you can do on Monday is call mediation and book to see a lawyer. Take all the information you can to the lawyer's appointment, like amount of each asset and each debt, incomes for you both, child arrangements, maternity/paternity leave or going part time if applicable. When and how assets were funded, what debts were used for. Be honest because the advise from the lawyer won't be accurate if you dont include all the relevant details. A lot of those things will probably matter less as you're the higher earner and residential parent and its been a long marriage.

Not to add to your problems OP, but this isn't just the house. He's likely entitled to a good chunk of your pension too (and you to his but I assume that's minimal from what you've said). You really need legal advice asap.

There is nothing to question as it is entirely legal whether there are children or not.

Everyone is advised to get a (financial) consent order that is approved at the same time the divorce is finalised to stop their ex spouse going after them continually for money after the divorce.

Lots of people still don't get one even though there are high profile cases e.g. lottery winner, boss of ecotricity, of what happens decades later when you don't. Remember children are only children for 18 years.

Simple answer is yes, he is entitled to some division of the marital assets. In the same way if the man in the relationship is the higher earner, they don't get to keep the house and their pension if the woman earned less. You will need to see a lawyer, and attempt mediation, but you will most likely end up having to sell the house.

@DreamyJasmine i hope you’re ok.

You’ve had some really patronising and nasty replies re, ‘do you know what marriage is’ type comments when HE walked out and turned your lives upside down as if it was you who walked from the marriage.

Do seek legal advice, best of luck for the future.

Yeah, well, that's the marriage, I'm afraid 😣🤢

I was divorced before we sorted the financials. It didn't make any difference really.
If you never responded then you didn't refuse to go to mediation. Contact them now and make an appointment for your first session.
They always see you individually first and then together. It costs money - ours was £350ph - but fighting in court costs about £20k each.
You can't keep everything. You need a split that let's you both start again on an equal footing but takes into account the needs of the children. As they live with you, you'll get more. But the assets you came in to the marriage with are not just yours after 20 years.
Leaving the family home hurts. It's really emotional. But the world doesn't end. Starting afresh is a new beginning.
Don't bury your head in the sand

You really do need some legal advice

My situation was not dissimilar, and my ex got almost 50%.