Husband making custody demands after affair

[ROYGBIVain]

I’m looking for a bit of advice or guidance, or if anyone has experience of similar.

My husband told me a year ago he was having an affair. He moved out straight away, leaving me and our then 5 year old.

He’d been jobless for a while, but had just got a paying job. He paid minimally towards bills from his account (no joint bank account) and I paid for nearly everything, as well as the deposit for the house and the monthly mortgage payments. I supported him fully while he was unemployed and then while he worked on a long term internship for no wages to gain experience for the job he wanted, and eventually got, just before he left us.

He moved out and started living in a van because he wanted to save money on living costs. As far as I know he splits his time living in his van, staying at his affair partners house, and house sitting for her friends and other random people on holiday, with his affair partner. I work part time from home and have had minimal financial help from him, I pay the mortgage, gas, elec, internet, etc and he has continued paying the water bill (£30 per month), the council tax (c£100 per month), my phone bill (c£12 per month) and 2 extra curricular clubs for our child (c £40per month). He gives me nothing extra. He claims he’s generous because he ‘still pays what I used to pay before I left’ but that means nothing because what he paid before he left was based on him having no income, and I’d transfer him the money each month to cover these bills anyway. The bills were never fairly split.

He hasn’t helped with school runs at all this last year. He says he can’t because of his job. He doesn’t care that it affects my job too. Up until 3 months ago he’d visit our child on our home two evenings a week. This allowed me to go to evening classes.

He is continuing his relationship with the person he was having his affair with. It’s been a year since he told me and left, so now he wants to force me to allow him to take our child to the van or any of the random homes he stays in so he can spend time with our child and his affair partner together. Including overnight. (Perhaps including all 3 of them sleeping together in the van - he said this.) I am not ready for the affair partner to be in my child’s life and so I have refused. I’ve told him he’s always welcome to see our child and take them out, but not to his affair partner or the area she lives in.

He’s become angry about this, and has stopped visiting on evenings, saying he’ll only look after our child if he can take them to meet his affair partner. He is also saying that he will initiate divorce because that’s the only way he’ll get to be with our child and do what he wants where he wants with them.

He doesn’t do any of the day to day things like school runs, cooking. Managing the house work and house maintenance is difficult, along with looking after our child and working 4 days per week. I’m not entitled to benefits. Since he left I’m also massively in debt, due to covering the living costs and additional home maintenance (roof needed replacing for years, had to finally do it when the leaks got too much just after he left). I have nothing left of my wages each month and am using credit cards for general spending for the first time in my life.

If he gets his visits on his terms, I’ll still be left with all the hard work, school runs, parenting responsibilities and financial hardship. He’ll just get the fun days/nights out.

Yesterday he said he knows he ended our relationship in the worst possible way, but he has to continue being selfish for his own mental health. He doesn’t want to step foot inside our house he says. And that if I don’t go along with his demands, our child ‘might not have a dad much longer’.

I’ve been kind and decent to him this whole year, arguing and disagreements have been very minimal as I’ve just accepted what he’s doing and tried to get on with mine and my child’s life.

My questions -
Does this situation seem unfair?
Is he contributing fairly as a parent, or even just financially?
Would a divorce really give him the free access to our child he wants on his terms, occasional visits and sleepovers but no parenting duties (eg school runs), taking into account his living situation?
What would you do?

It is unfair but the law always support the weaker party, whether it is by necessity or laziness but better to cut ties with that lowlife.

you love a deadbeat who lives in a van and cheated on you? Can you get therapy for that? You really need to model better standards for your kid.
Sadly your kid has the night to a relationship with the deadbeat you picked, so get court ordered access and sort the finer details. Man with a vans latest fuck is not relevant to his CMS payments or contact.

Lives in a van? House sits? So what you mean is that he is HOMELESS .

Let him take you to court. It will cost him ££££ and NO sane judge would award overnight visitation to a man with no fixed abode. You aren't denying him access, you are protecting your kid. Has his "van" had things like a gas /electric safety check if it's heated? Does it have carbon monoxide detectors? Is it parked up legally in a council approved parking place or is it at risk of towing? All of these these things matter when you are considering the safety of your child.

And do not reconcile with this man. Not even if he is on his knees begging you. You need to build up your self respect and see that not only you, but your child is worth so much more.

If you are struggling with debt contact step change. They can help to freeze your interest and make affordable payments while still covering all of your necessary living costs.

Thank you all.

The van is just an A-Team style van (don’t know how else to describe it 😂) that he converted himself and has a bed. He parks up in a local country try park or at her house, with her, for nights.

Some of the bills are in his name, some in mine. He’s just walked away from all responsibilities and finances, and in his mind the house and all bills are mine to deal with (apart from the few he’s still paying).

I think I’ve been hoping he’d realise what he lost and be back. But he hasn’t. I supported him for so many years and did all the childcare while he just sat and played computer games. And now that our child is 6 and easier to manage, he’ll swoop in as the fun dad with all of the benefits and still none of the responsibilities. This is so unfair, on top of my heartbreak.

Yeah, again, not seeing what’s loveable about this specimen, you miss him playing computer games and neglecting the kids? Get therapy, you need to be able to teach your kids what is acceptable behaviour in adults and relationships and your standards as they are, this won’t be possible.

You can't stop him involving the AP in your DCs life. You are bonkers to want this waste of space back.

But what you can do is insist he provides a proper space/home for your child for overnight contact. I think a court would deem a van inappropriate.

I’m going to break this down.

No, a van is not an appropriate place for a child to sleep with their father, let alone with a stranger. Court would not approve that, nor the random, different house sitting homes.

He needs to grow the fuck up.

Court won’t put a timeframe on when your child can meet OW, how often your child can see OW or where your ex takes the child.

My ex left me for OW, when our kids were toddlers. He introduced her a few weeks later, without my knowledge, on Christmas fucking Day of all days, cue two very confused 3 year olds.

He would ignore me for weeks/months at times, whilst living at his mothers, all but having his arse wiped for him, then randomly show up and demand to take them. Meanwhile I was struggling with, well, everything.

Fortunately, OW dumped his ass after 18 months, I had a long chat over coffee with ExMIL who told him to shape up or ship out.

You need to claim CMS and change the bills over.

You also need to apply for UC, because unless you’re a high earner, most single parents are entitled to something.

Sorry but you can’t dictate to him what he does where he goes and who he meets with his own child the same way he can’t to you. It’s been a year and I understand why you are bitter but you really need to move on, it’s perfectly reasonable for his new partner to meet the child a year down the line I think it’s quite decent actually he hasn’t asked before now, it obviously suited you for him to come to the home but in the kindest way possible this man has shown you he has no interest in you and he doesn’t want to go back and his child shouldn’t be used as leverage over him. You need to learn to separate the two issues the affair and child contact, there is little point fighting it as a court will deffo over rule you on this one. He might have been a shit partner but he obviously wants to be a dad and you’d be selfish to rob your child of that for your own personal feelings. I say all of this as the woman whos been in your shoes I know it hurts but you must find a way to move on for your own sake

Is the house owned in both names. You need to start divorce so you don't end up paying mortgage for years then having to give him half the value!

Yes you would be mad to have him back. He's cheated on you, left you, is a complete no-hoper who lives in a van and to top it off he's threatening to cut contact with his own child unless he can get his own way. Despicable.

If I were you I'd be seeking immediate legal advice to get divorce underway and cut myself loose from him. You're paying the mortgage and all maintenance costs on a house he has a stake in whilst he swans around with the OW without a care in the world. Get a divorce and make sure your earnings are building a future for you and your child, not him and his mistress.

On the custody issue, you obviously need to seek legal advice but I can't see that a court is going to grant him overnight contact when he hasn't got anywhere suitable to house the child. You can't dictate where he takes your child on his contact time so if you agree a pattern of daytime/after school visits then he is fully entitled to take his child to see his girlfriend if he wishes. I agree that it's utterly selfish and not in the child's best interests at this stage but that's outside of your control. You also can't force him to do school runs unfortunately. You can't actually force him to have any contact at all. But likewise he can't necessarily insist on having the pattern of contact that he wants. If you can't agree then you will need a court order, but the court isn't going to order him to have more contact than he wants.

No, but you have to realise that it's over. Do you really want to ve with a man who chears on you and doesn't care one iota about your happiness?

There must have been other factors there, a six year old sleeping in the same room as their parent ( of any sex) is not usually an issue.

Agree with all that’s been said here about this man except the massive judgement about the van!! I left my exh with my 11 year old daughter and I have 100% custody (her and his choice!) and we live on a boat. That doesn’t make me any less of a decent parent. I’m not the best but I’m doing my best. Van doesn’t automatically mean unsuitable/unsafe.

as a child I lived on a boat too, the amount of people who would automatically say “oh you live on a boat, isn’t it damp? Cold?” Makes me a bit sensitive to the pre-judgement now.

Typing this whilst cosy under my duvet in my damp free boat.

Please don’t have him back, like a bloody idiot I had the same issue. Had him back, six years later had triplets & off he went again with anything with a pulse, back to square one. Even had the audacity to ask to come back again numerous times. Thank goodness I grew up. Just remember if you divorce, he will also be entitled to half the house & assets. It’s about the child having a right to see their father whether he is a complete shit or not. I’m so sorry it hurts but it isn’t about you or him now it’s about your child & she could get to an age where she will resent you for no t encouraging the relationship between them.

I'm concerned that you have a mortgage. Is his name on that? I'd hate to think of him benefiting from it.

As they are married, it doesn't matter whose name is on the mortgage. The marital home will go into the pot to be divided between them along with all other assets.